[This post is written entirely in a South African accent]
Have you ever seen an ostrich in action? This early morning, before you were awake, I had the modest pleasure of watching my miniature brother ride one through Johannesburg! My brother had a seatbelt, of course, because as you must know, ostriches aren’t known as traffic law abiding citizens, and any good insurance agent will tell you ostriches are sixty times more likely to get in a car wreck than a bumper car. And those birds can run like my nose in the wind, even when hauling an 80 pound diminutive man licking his giant lollipop.
Watching my brother, my competitive side got a stronghold on me, shoving me back about three yards until I tripped over a drunk foreign exchange student and fell face first on my buttocks. I needed to beat my brother and I needed a cheetah on which to do it. We would race, a boy on his ostrich and a pudgy grown man on his cheetah. But where on earth could I find my cheetah?
I put my skull cap on to get some quality thinking done.
It hit me: the most natural residence of a cheetah, or any land loving fast paced feline would be certainly somewhere near water. My divining rod in hand, I made for the nearest community swimming pool.
Fifteen minutes later, Nathaniel, my dwarfish younger brother and I were at the starting line. I had just had a pound of ham, so my “fighting weight” was a bit over, but my shaved head and scrotum stood to help make up any lost time. A nearby policeman shot a black man who was voting in a “Pepsi Challenge” and our animals took off like a pair of NASA rockets. Only instead of the moon as their destination, they were apparently headed towards a sprained ankle (Nate’s ostrich) and a distended colon (my cheetah).
Thusly, we switched animals; the ostrich rode me and Nathaniel served as horse to the cheetah back to your house. Now we are all taking a bubble bath together. Would you like to join us, Athena?
Of course you would, you sassy amputee! I see that plastic ear of yours wagging under your wig. I remember when we first met, you and I. It was right here in this very tub was it not? Only you were pregnant then with the twins before the double abortion, and I was still uncircumcised. If my memory serves me right, Nathaniel was here and we were nursing an emu and a puma back to health. History has a habit of repeating itself doesn’t it? Link
