On October 31, 2007, PETA announced they received enough signatures to get on ballots in every State in the 2008 US Federal election. They fielded 100 candidates for Senate and 532 for the House. PETA — who had been secretly drilling for oil in Alaska and had enough money to cover the Statue of Liberty in 1000 dollar bills — hired a top notch campaign staff, composed of such notables as Karl Rove, Rupert Murdock, Pat Sajak, Barry Bonds and Noam Chomsky.

This PETA campaign staff utilized fear tactics:

  • exclaiming the evils of eating meat as murderous, environmentally unsustainable, and cancerous
  • posting campaign signs with photographs of giraffes nibbling on human babies wearing Republican and Democrat diapers
  • stating in a national press conference that the obvious, logical step and ultimate dogmatic goal of Neocons and the Democrat National Committee is cannibalism.

PETA did well in these elections, beating Democrats and Republicans for 58 Senate seats and 293 House seats.

Over the next four years, the new political majority proceeded to enact laws that banned meat eating in America. Soon after, a worldwide ban was enacted by the United Nations.

20 years later.

In a Rapid City middle school history class, underweight eleven year old Sharon Nyes learned that humans used to eat meat. It was listed under the heading, “Evils of World History”, ranking second place between Christianity and the World Bank [see the movie Zeitgeist], ahead of Nazism and capitalism.

Sharon had never heard of eating meat. She knew she was supposed to be terrified, but for some reason her mouth began to water. On her way home, she slumped to the ground, victimized by the recurring images of that day’s lesson and the hungry growling in her stomach.
“What am I becoming? My God, what am I becoming?” she wept.

A week later, she was crouched over a flying electric car air-road killed condor, looking at the bright colors of entrails.

Her palms clammy, and her mouth watering.

As she ellipsed her mouth for a bite, the thought police — who embed microchips in all humans brains during the second trimester — arrested her on the spot. She was executed ten minutes later at 6:42am, March 18th, 2028.

That afternoon, PETA officials — who had succumbed to the scrumptious pleasures of unadulterated power — enjoyed a Thai delicacy that evening: coconut curried fresh girl with basil and pine nuts.