Today was the best day of my life. Not only did I have sex with my brother for the first time (he is BIG! — don’t worry, we used birth control), but I also made the perfect grilled cheese sandwich!
- Firstly, use one sheet of superfine sandpaper to scrub your non-stick frying pan until there is plenty of loose Teflon. This, my friends, is secret ingredient #1.
- Melt an entire stick of butter in the frying pan. Pour in one liter of corn oil. We are gonna deep fry that cheesy bitch.
- Secret ingredient #2, gasoline. Just a dash, for color.
- Let frying pan soak in the sunlight for five hours, while you surf internet porn in the other room. This will work up your appetite and get your pan ‘sun-kissed’.
- Go to the store and buy a loaf of gluten-free bread. If they don’t have any, make a huge scene breaking things and screaming: “This would never happen in Seattle!”
- Throw that solar preheated pan in your pottery kiln, set the temp to: “Vase”
- When you see the pan begin to melt, add loaf of bread. Let bake for 2 seconds. Remove pan and repeat step 4. This time, save watery ejaculate in a measuring beaker. This is obviously secret ingredient number #3.
- In microwave, nuke String Cheese Incident vinyl records on top of loaf. Top with toe jam.
