Satan made herpes, whiskey, dancing, masturbation, Halloween, and –by extension — candy.
To celebrate this year, I read some really spooky books to get me in the mood: “Howl-a-day Inn”, “The Celery Stalks at Midnight”, and “Halloween Mad-Libs 8th Edition” which was scary even before I filled in the blank ‘verb’ and ‘adjective’ slots.
So my friend Jared threw a party last Saturday. I was really excited because parties are where I really shine. People always tell me that I am the life of the party!
And when I say “people” I mean “my mom”. And when I say they “always tell me I’m the life of the party”, I mean “one time when I was six and I had a kindergarten graduation party at Chuck E. Cheese’s”.
So me and the guys get all geared up in some awesome costumes and head over to the big Halloween bash at Jared and Mike’s apartment. I was dressed as Homestar Runner dressed as “Catwoman” from the original Batman TV series. Derek was dressed as Sigourney Weaver from “Aliens”, and Ben was dressed as the Biblical character Deborah from the book of Judges.
There was about 5 people there and the party was bumpin’! They were playing the “Best of The Eagles” album really loud and that really got us all in the party mood. I met this guy named Scott in the kitchenette and I quickly tried to get an assessment on the beautiful ladies at the party:
“Who’s that chick in the clown costume?”
“My girlfriend.”
“Cool. That’s cool. Who’s that girl in the baby costume?”
“My sister.”
“That’s a great costume she’s got on. The three dots on her cheeks and the bonnet really sells it.”
“Yeah.”
“Great party.”
Jared had invited a girl who works at the “TCBY” across from the “China Palace” he works at in the mall. Apparently, he’s been trying to flirt with her for like seven months now and this was his first excuse to see her outside of the food court. Her name is Rikki and she came as a cat, so our costumes kind of matched, which was embarrassing. She also is a devout Jehovah Witness so she doesn’t celebrate holidays. She made Jared promise that it wouldn’t be a “Halloween” party. It needed to be billed as “a gathering of friends”. I told Jared that that was weird and he reminded me: “Prince is a Jehovah Witness. It can’t be that weird.”
Some of us were standing in the kitchen chatting, and waiting for the pumpkin bread to finish baking when all of a sudden I got stuck alone with Rikki. I tried to make some light conversation:
“So what is the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you, Rikki?”
“Being diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease.”
“…that pumpkin bread smells great, doesn’t it?”
It was getting close to the ‘witching hour’ and the party was starting to wind down so Derek, Ben, and I took off so that we could get a good night’s sleep.
We got home around 11:30 but we had eaten so much candy that we couldn’t fall asleep! We ended up telling each other spooky stories into the wee hours of the night.
To Ben, Derek, Jared, Mike and all the others: Thanks for making this Halloween so special. I love you all.
To Satan: I hope you take into consideration how much I celebrated your Birthday every year when I show up in hell.
And To Mom: Thanks for sending the cookies. They were great.
Ryan McGivern
