I fought traffic on the 405 for an hour and a half to go the Encino Sperm Bank this morning.
I had the worst ‘donation’ ever.
First off, the collection room I went into had only one Cheri magazine (old), one Hustler, and two Penthouse. I knew right off the bat this was gonna be a tough one.
I also had the strangest thoughts (of the non-debauched kind) racing through my head. I thought about the MSN video of a National Geographic television show about ‘real life’ vampires I had just watched. To all the ‘real life’ vampires out there: Shopping at Hot Topic and drinking blood does not make you a vampire. I knew a kid in high school who also had no friends and hung out in a basement. He didn’t call himself a vampire, and we respected him for it.
I also thought about the MSN video (also a Nat’l Geographic show) about heroin addicts. They had some interviews with REAL heroin addicts. I couldn’t believe it! I thought that they were figments of my imagination, or just some cultural legend. I guess not. I mean, you see movies about them, but you never think: “Maybe…..Nah….Well….Maybe..they are real…..” Well, lemme tell you. They’re real. And they’re walking among us.
I also thought about some strange things I’ve seen lately. (all this thinking was getting me late. I usually like to wrap things up at the Sperm Bank within 15 minutes) I had seen yesterday a can of Del Monte Peach Halves.
Sounds normal so far, right?
Wrong.
In proud, bold lettering, the label announced — “Raspberry Flavored!” This seemed like some weird flaunting of science.
Its like artificial insemination. Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should. George W. is gonna start cracking down on both of these Frankensteinian, God blaspheming technologies in his next term.
(Oh, and you think he won’t win again? Huh. I’ve got one word for you, hippy: Diebold.)
Well, finally I wrapped things up and pantingly and sweatily gave my sperm donation.
“Thanks, Ryan,”said the pleasant nurse/sperm wrangler.
“You’re very, very welcome. I put a lot of hard work into this one,” I said.
“You could almost call it my seminal work.”
I waited for her to laugh but instead she turned and went back into the lab.
Its not easy being a writer, comedian, actor in Hollywood. Its even harder being a sperm donor.
