People keep telling me: “I wouldn’t eat that. That’s Franken-food.” I had originally thought that meant Jewish food.
And while it turns out that ‘Franken-food’ is a brand of Matzoh ball soup distributed out of Akron Ohio, (its really good and is available in low sodium too) it also means food that’s been genetically modified.
“That’s got chemicals in it!” I heard someone say to me in a screaming motherly voice (it was my mother screaming at me) while I was in line at Popeye’s buying a tub of chicken things.
“Well,” says I, “Chemicals were the primordial soup that gave birth to life on Earth. If they’re good enough to spontaneously create life in a warm ocean, they’re good enough for me to pound into my wide, gaping, love-starved, snack hole.”
By the way: Do you think comparing my lunch to Frankenstein’s Monster will keep me away? Have you ever seen the movie Frankenstein? That undead Monster is frickin’ awesome! He’s a tall, darkly handsome, charismatic, and memorable figure.
He’s like Barack Obama, for Chrissakes!
(For the record, I’m voting for Hilary because I’m chivalrous.)
I think that Frankenstein’s Monster has got a bad rap.
He can’t help it that he dislikes fire.
I dislike fire. Are you gonna hate me for that? Not only do I hate fire, I hate it when campfire smoke makes my hair stink for days after my camping trip. Are you gonna chase me into a windmill with pitchforks because of it? You probably would. Fascist.
I remember when they cloned Dolly the sheep and everybody was all up in arms about it. And then when I broke into the lab and bestiality-ed Dolly to death everybody got all up on their high horses. You just can’t have your cake and eat it too, world!
I’m no genius, and I don’t know much about genetics, but I do know that mine gave me a predisposition for gambling and warts. So all you ‘organic and natural’ hippies can help yourselves to your ‘mulch pile grown celery’ and your ‘MSG free tofu beef jerky’ all you want. Just leave me and my glowing, throbbing third arm alone.
Ryan McGivern
