Last week the Cosco Busan freighter ship hit the Oakland Bay bridge hammering another nail into the coffin of Mother Nature’s pert apple shaped bottom.
Said a local environmentalist: “After aggravating humanity with wasps and mosquitoes, not to mention ‘hoof and mouth’ for so long, its only right to give her a taste of her bitter medicine.”
Hitting the bridge support and ripping a 90 foot gash in the hull, the freighter dumped 58,000 gallons of fuel into the shark filled Bay waters.
“Take that!” said one activist to a passing oil drenched shark.
The shark, while slowed by oil clogging its disgusting and deadly gills, gnashed its teeth in response, sending a shower of bloody diving equipment ashore.
Initial reports about the spill were confused due to possible drug use by the ship’s crew, the Coast Guard, and Barbara Boxer. Said Boxer at a press release,
“We’re gonna get to the bottom of this….whatcha call it…..catatastrophe. Did I just
say catatastrophe? Oh my god I’m wasted.”
Representatives of R.J. Reynolds rushed to the scene in a show of concern.
“Dear Bay Area residents. This oil coated duck here is crying out. It is crying out not to be judged. You see, this oil coated duck has almost as much tar content as one of our delicious Camel, Doral, Kool, or Salem cigarettes. Are you not going to love this duck because of some tar? Of course not. You’re going to love it. Sure, it might quack once in a while. That’s what ducks do. Don’t turn your backs in anger towards a duck whose entire body is sopped in flammable oily tar, America. We might also mention that nothing brings you rich satisfying flavor like a good ol’ American made cigarette. Isn’t it time to love ducks and cigarettes again, America? God bless America.”
In other news, Steven Jethram was fined 300 dollars this week for washing his car in his driveway.
“See that soapy water?” said Alameda Police Officer Susan Kim, “that’s headed straight for the bay. Give a hoot. Don’t pollute.”
Ryan McGivern
