I wanna get in good with folks who are incarcerated. Prison, lock up, home arrest, drunk tank, juvie, loveless marriages, I want to befriend them all.
Why? Well, with recidivism rates so high, I want to assure that the next time that I get held up by someone on their ‘second strike’ that they’ll know me from the Blogosphere.
“Gimme your milk!”
“It’s old and sour, you really wouldn’t….”
“Listen, you Irish rat bastard. Gimme the milk.”
“…..I’m Ryan McGivern!”
“The guy who donates his sperm and blogs about it?”
“That’s right, baby.”
“OMG! I tattooed ‘Mindflowers’ on my cellmates face!”
“Small world, amigo. Small world.”
I’ve never been to prison, but I’ve driven by one. You know those signs that say
“Correctional Facility. Do not pick up hitchikers!”
Well, they’re there for good reason. Turns out not everybody in a bloodstained guard’s uniform that’s too small for them is a fast growing guard with a nose bleed who’s fogotten where they parked.
So this being the first outreach to my peeps in the clink, I will write about what every inmate and lonely, poverty stricken, barely employed Irishman loves: Solitaire.
It is the “Game of Gangly Kings”, it is “The Dregs of America’s Pastime”, it is simply put: One Level Up From Watching Your Skin Age.
I borrowed my roommate Ben’s iPod the other day to play Solitaire in the bathroom and I’ve got a message for you Steve Jobs: Don’t Quit Your Day Job.
I finally, after 13 attempts and 45 minutes on the toilet, won the game. I’ve never seen such crappy cards in Solitaire before. It’s like the tightest slots in Vegas! (Which can be found at the Golden Nugget. The waitresses, not the slotmachines, that is.)
Anywho, I finally won the gosh darned thing and the most pitiful and ironic message comes up on the iPod screen:
“We’ve got a winner!”
Well, if you can call a guy who’s been drinking PBR and playing iPod Solitaire on the toilet for 45 minutes a “winner”, this is a world I don’t want to live in.
But then again, I’ve felt that way since Cavemen was cancelled.
Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon
www.goldennugget.com
www.apple.com/itunes
www.abc.com/Player
