Let’s have a mind and raise flowers.

(presented in non-chronological order):

3. The lady with the window seat drank four vodka tonics and passed out. I’m the nearly sober one who spilled my fucking tomato juice all over my her Hustler magazine. Who the fuck buys porn in an airport, btw?

4.There should be a “New Passenger Orientation” so experienced travelers don’t have to learn about how to buckle their seatbelt for the trillionth time.

9. Middle seat = claustrophobia. Window seat = carnival ride in the clouds.

2. George W. Bush probably reads USA Today.

6. Airplane seats go back all of three inches. Why is this comfortable (it is)? And why is it such a danger for seats to be slightly tilted during takeoff and landing?

7. Flight Attendant is such the party lifestyle (a different city every night which means few consequences for debaucherous behavior) and pilots are notoriously unfaithful to their wives.

1. Airports are a lot like purgatory, and most people are sleepwalking. I witnessed a guy waddle into a bathroom, squinty red beady eyes, probably seconds from REM sleep. After about thirty seconds and a few blood curdling screams later he lunged out of the womens’ restroom, very awakened.

10. During 9/11, passengers allegedly used their cell phones during flight. Conspiracy theorists doubt this point. I tested this several times during my plane rides. I never received even one bar.

8. The Detroit airport is badass with their half a mile tunnel stretch of surrealist mood lighting and experimental music. It is amazing how many people still don’t pay attention:

So I like to think about the difference between this video:

which is ultimately what I prefer my relationships to be like.

And this video:

which is ultimately more what my relationships are like.

Yeah.

If the Religious Right wants to gets nuts about anything, they should focus their pious attention to the lifeless zombie monster that has taken over the gaunt body of Nicole Kidman.

If Harry Potter was to watch this movie (which he wouldn’t, because he’s a good Catholic) he’d scream: “Accio Axe!” and then Cho Chang would walk by crying about Cedric Diggory and the horrible editing.

If Marmaduke were to watch it, he’d slobber all over a Christmas tree and his miserable owner would say to his wife: “I’d love to crap in his caved in skull, but Santa may be watching.”

When I saw the movie poster for this film by the bus stop, I was attracted first to the “Star Wars-eque” layout, and secondly to Daniel Craig’s cute James Bond face. Let’s all hope that he keeps his face out of any sequels that this butthole on the body of cinema may spawn.

I saw this movie with a friend who disliked immensely. We sat in front of folks who we, via eavesdropping, determined to have read the book and their response to the film was that of kids who had to listen to their mom being humped by their new stepdad all night…roughly and hitting all the right spots, doing things to her that their real dad could never do.

Here’s some highlights from “The Golden Compass”:

• A score that sounds like it came from a Nintendo 64 videogame.
• A narrative flow that is as smooth as the colon compacting poop concretions of a dehydrated Whitney Houston.
• Filled with the same amount of erudition as the underwear worn on one of Britney’s FAS anus babies, sitting in the corner drinking an Americano and watching his mom eat raw cookie dough.
• A shameless sequel-begging ending that gets you as excited as the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston being wrapped around your “rifle”.

This movie should make atheists protest it, not Baby Jesus Fanboys. You’d think they’d want to be associated with a cooler movie, like: “The Hills Have Eyes” or something.

Bottom Line: You can’t spell ‘compass’ without ‘ass’ and you can’t spell ‘this movie sucks’ without ’sucks’.

Ryan McGivern

G F# E C G
Thanksgiving passes out through the esophagus
Now head downtown cause you need to buy more stuff
Buying more stuff is the stuff that makes the world go round
Starbucks coffee pour it on the bum on the ground

D C G
Christmas trees, blood diamond, plastic bags
Electric staple guns, gasoline and porno mags

D C G
Buy more stuff is the stuff that makes the world go round
Buy more stuff is the stuff that makes the world go round

Buying stuff is how you prove your love
Need more space where you can put your love
Extension to the house, a third garage out back
Got more stuff than Santa’s got in his sack

Reebok Pumps, Air Jordans and orange Crocs
Sonic toothbrush, pantyhose and cookoo clocks
Prostitutes, Pert Plus, disposable batteries
Gen four ipod but you still have the first three
Left-handed scissors, tarot cars and flat screen tvs
Wrapping paper, parking tickets, aroma therapy

Buy more stuff is the stuff that makes the world go round
Buy more stuff is the stuff that makes the world go round

Link: buymorestuff.org

Dear Rudolph,

Let me begin by saying I love so much and I never want to lose you.

I have no idea why I am lactating. I’ve never been pregnant and I swear to the Virgin Mary I am not sleeping around. We could either view this negatively or kinkily. I mean, now we have an entirely new fluid to fool around with, right? Some creamy deliciousness to top off your morning coffee, or I could spray all over your hard chest and lick it off. Nutritious foreplay!

mmmmmmh love,

Allison

The future president of the United States of The U.S. of A. recently set the record straight once and for all about God.  Mitt Romney has put America’s heart to rest and as his wonderful speech below clearly evidences, God is totally cool with Mormons.

Mitt Romney’s God Talk
“Freedom requires religion just as religion requires being totally awesome. Freedom opens the windows of the soul like the legs of Reese Witherspoon: easily. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone, with the exception of religious cults that compel people by social coersion and manipulation to live under patriarchal, hetero-normative subjugation….but, I digress. Uhh. Ahem. (cough, cough)”

“Let me assure you that no authorities of my church, those wonderful rich old white men in Utah, or of any other church for that matter, will ever exert influence on presidential decisions. Not even suggestions on what shoes to wear with ‘business casual’ from the homosexual Bishops of the Episcopal church! Their authority is theirs, within the province of church affairs, and it ends where the affairs of the nation begin, just like how the magical power of ‘Shazam’ can only be accessed when Billy Batson is Captain Marvel.”

“As governor, I tried to do the right as best I knew it, serving the law and answering to the Constitution. I did not confuse the particular teachings of my church, such as the belief that God and His wives are living near the planet or star “Kolob” and make spiritual babies, with the obligations of the office and of the Constitution – and of course, I would not do so as President. I will put no doctrine of any church, such as “No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood” (Brigham Young) above the plain duties of the office and the sovereign authority of the law.”

“Americans tire of those who would jettison their beliefs, even to gain the world. Americans tire of those who would step into the Ninteenth Century out of convenience.”

“There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ? Have you seen that T-shirt that says: “Jesus is my Homeboy”?
Well, I agree with almost everything that T-shirt says.”

“I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer to God. And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were in my own: I love the delicious wine of the Catholic Mass, the boycotting of movies by the Evangelicals, the snake handling among the Pentecostals, the confident smugness of the Lutherans, the pickle making prowess of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the strict teddy bear naming regulations of the Muslims.”

“It is important to recognize that while differences in theology exist between the churches in America, we share the common creed of moral conviction:
homosexuals are Satan’s fodder.
Whether it was the cause of abolition, or civil rights, no movement of ‘conscience’ can succeed in America without first battling religious people. And we’ve still not given up!”

“In recent years, the notion of the separation of church and state has been taken by some well beyond its original meaning. They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God, Murderous Is His Rage. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It is as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America – the religion of Secularism. This religion of Secularism is characterized by its colonialism, female circumcision, the relegation of women as belongings, reliance on guilt, and its pre-copernican worldview.”

“We should acknowledge the Creator as did the Founders – with slavery.
The Thunderous God, Glorious in His Spite And Disgust, should remain on our currency, in our pledge, and in the teaching of our history. I will take care to separate the affairs of government from any religion, but I will not separate us from God, Ready At The Apocalypse Button, who gave us liberty.”

“Nor would I separate us from our religious heritage. Perhaps the most important question to ask a person of faith who seeks a political office, is this: does he, and of course it will be a he, share these American values: buying stuff, sports, SportsCenter, DoubleStuff Oreos, dumpster babies, and world domination through pre-emptive war?”

“We believe that every single human being is a child of God–literally.
You can be certain of this: Any believer in religious freedom, any person who has knelt in prayer to the Almighty Fist In The Sky, Awaiting To Cold Cock The Universe, has a friend and ally in me.”

“May The ‘Roid Raged God Of Phallic Power bless America.”

Ryan McGivern
With Thanks To Mitt Romney

www.mittromney.com
www.lds.org
www.venganza.org/
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

Poor Philip Seymour Hoffman. Poor Ethan Hawke. Waittaminute! Poor me!

Why should I feel sorry for these two fine actors-they chose to be in this movie. I on the other hand was a hapless viewer who didn’t know that Marisa Tomei would be in it. I’m the victim here.

I finally slipped into uneasy sleep last night after watching this ‘dumpster baby’ of a movie and I thought how it could have been better. I didn’t know where to start.

Sidney Lumet was a mediocre director once. He made two movies that get a lot of ‘good movie cred’, “Serpico” and “Dog Day Afternoon” (and “The Wiz”!) but years and senility have addled his brain. The movie has the feel of a 1970’s drama, and a bad one at that.

The characters Hawke and Hoffman create could have done just well in a story centered their feeble, greedy, and misdirected lives without a ‘crime gone wrong’ formula. Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead is mildly pleasing when Hoffman and/or Hawke are onscreen. Hoffman’s eyebrows alone are worth filming.

His gut? Enchanting. His waddle? Adorable. Getting to see him have doggie style sex with somebody? I creamed myself at “doggie”.

The movie’s last minutes are a tired “I’m gonna smother someone to death in the hospital while putting their heart monitor on my chest” cliche that I’ve seen shot-for-shot before in better movies.

But let’s turn our attention to the monster haunting this film: Marisa Tomei. When she won Best Supporting Actress in My Cousin Vinny, I remember going into my bedroom and tearing up the valentines I’d written to the Academy. And like a herpes flare up, she’s back and pooping up the silver screen again.

There is a phenomenon that I call the “Editor’s Isolation Booth” or EIB. This is when an actor/actress is so horrible that they cannot act in the same room with someone else. They need their acting coach, the director, their dialogue coach at the ready and just outside of camera range. So, you get a lot of meduim close ups of just them. Believe me, I don’t think she and Hoffman were in the same room together but for 2 minutes to get some establishing shot that they were supposedly talking to each other.
I really believe that for Hoffman to get through his scenes (some very good acting from him) he had to have a real actress to work off. Tomei is deplorable. She is like watching a clown at a 5 year old’s birthday party who is trying to hide the fact that he is drunk and having a heart attack.

So if you’re into watching bad movies from the 1970’s with little payoff or entertainment value, you might want to watch this rather than be hunted by a pack of wolves.

Ryan McGivern

The Holidays are always a stressful time of year. Especially in prison.

There’s the fighting the long lines at Snake’s cell just to buy a half cigarette, the worry of paying back Loko for the loan of smuggled pornography, and deciding how to decorate your cell festively, while still respecting your cellmate’s Satanism.

It can also be stressful being the loved one “on the outside” who has to come up with the perfect Christmas gift that says:
“Merry Christmas” and “No, I’m not cheating on you with your friends Dave and Carl.”

Here are some ideas to make your shopping for the Prisoner in your life a little easier:
1. Are they on Death Row? How about a gift certificate to Denny’s for a
“Last Meal Grand Slam”?
2. Nothing says, “5 to 10 isn’t that long to wait to see you again” like a pair of socks.
3. Christmas is the perfect time to lie about “losing our baby”.
4. Uhhh, Duh! Can you say iPhone?
5. A one sentence synopsis of all the best movies released in the past 12 years:
“Yet another Steve Guttenberg classic.”

So there’s some wonderful Christmas shopping ideas for those loved ones in prison.
As soon as there’s a Jewish person in jail, I’ll write about Hanukkah gift ideas.

Ryan McGivern

JamesHumphries: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3IGjff1THk
Burch9: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwNtY7ogr10&feature=related
Joxter3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts9wtb3RZ4g&feature=related

Japanese game shows are the highest form of entertainment, ranking above government in action (#2), the card game War (#5), romance novels (#6), and demolition derbies (#9).  Examples of shows include men dunking themselves into almost boiling water for the pleasure of watching a bikini-clad and non-graceful lady shake her bosom, Human Tetris (see below!), a dangerous obstacle course that includes math problems above a trap door, three women getting pleasured behind curtained nether regions and contestants pick which ones are faking orgasm, and so much more! Featured below are a few. I suggest a search of “Japanese game show” inside YouTube. You will be a better person for it.