If the Religious Right wants to gets nuts about anything, they should focus their pious attention to the lifeless zombie monster that has taken over the gaunt body of Nicole Kidman.

If Harry Potter was to watch this movie (which he wouldn’t, because he’s a good Catholic) he’d scream: “Accio Axe!” and then Cho Chang would walk by crying about Cedric Diggory and the horrible editing.

If Marmaduke were to watch it, he’d slobber all over a Christmas tree and his miserable owner would say to his wife: “I’d love to crap in his caved in skull, but Santa may be watching.”

When I saw the movie poster for this film by the bus stop, I was attracted first to the “Star Wars-eque” layout, and secondly to Daniel Craig’s cute James Bond face. Let’s all hope that he keeps his face out of any sequels that this butthole on the body of cinema may spawn.

I saw this movie with a friend who disliked immensely. We sat in front of folks who we, via eavesdropping, determined to have read the book and their response to the film was that of kids who had to listen to their mom being humped by their new stepdad all night…roughly and hitting all the right spots, doing things to her that their real dad could never do.

Here’s some highlights from “The Golden Compass”:

  • A score that sounds like it came from a Nintendo 64 videogame.
  • A narrative flow that is as smooth as the colon compacting poop concretions of a dehydrated Whitney Houston.
  • Filled with the same amount of erudition as the underwear worn on one of Britney’s FAS anus babies, sitting in the corner drinking an Americano and watching his mom eat raw cookie dough.
  • A shameless sequel-begging ending that gets you as excited as the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston being wrapped around your “rifle”.

This movie should make atheists protest it, not Baby Jesus Fanboys. You’d think they’d want to be associated with a cooler movie, like: “The Hills Have Eyes” or something.

Bottom Line: You can’t spell ‘compass’ without ‘ass’ and you can’t spell ‘this movie sucks’ without ‘sucks’.

Ryan McGivern