skate ***Warning: spoilers and honest appraisal of the worst book ever contained below!***

I settle into bed and snuggle up with the last installment of the Harry Potter series with some tea on the bedstand and a rare gloomy L.A. to avoid. I wrongly assume this will be a pleasurable end to the series.”Alright! Here we go! Let’s get some rocking action going!….What? A newspaper article about Albus? What the hell? Who wants to read periodicals in a book about wizards?…What? A wedding? Who cares about this stupid wedding?…..Alright! Some action!…What? Camping in a goddam tent? Who wants to read about a camping trip with three jerks?….Ron leaves! Finally!…He’s back…What’s up with the Putter Outter suddenly being a deus machina? What the hell? This book sucks! Deathly Hallows? What the hell?”

I quickly realize this book is a bunch of nonsense. First we had to learn all about some stupid Horcrux bullcrap and now it’s a hunderd pages to explain some crappy Deathly Hallow bullcrap. I begin to squirm. This reading experience suddenly seems that it will be like peeping tomming at Curves-not as cool as you’d think.

“Dobby? What the hell? Alright! Hermione’s gettin’ tortured sweet! Fight at Hogwarts! Sweet! Awww, nothing cool happens. Harry’s gonna die! Sweet! Awww, crap.”

I read that Harry Potter can’t be killed by Voldemort anyway because of 14 different convoluted reasons some of which involve Deathly Hallows or something. All of this is as exciting as finding out why you can’t return items bought at the dollar store.

“I’m sure something cool will happen! There’s only a few pages left. Awww, crap. Oooh! An Epilogue! I’ll find out what all the kids are like in the future! Hmmm, Hermione still has no real personality, Ron Weasley is a dumbass, and Harry Potter has no personality but is somehow quietly wise and has a buttload of kids. Crap. Maybe it’ll say what Harry’s up to-is he in the Ministry, a Quiddich player? An Auror? Awww, crap.”

I find that J.K. Rowling is indeed the worst author ever who writes out her ass and who has not only no sense of what makes a good book, but doesn’t ask someone who might know to help her. She can’t even take the chance to decide what the main characters of her book do as adults…Becuase, most likely, she doesn’t know either. Just as it seems she had no idea what to do with her series, she had no idea of how to end it.

I close the book and feel dirty and used.

I rewrite the book in my mind where Dobby and Hermione end up together in a lobby firm for elf rights, Ron Weasley is a full blown bigot, and Harry Potter raises his family quietly in the forbidden forest.

One last unimportant thought about an unimportant book flashes in my mind… “How in the hell will this ever be made into a movie when the main characters are either invisible or Polyjuiced to look like someone else for 90% of the goddam story?”

Ryan McGivern, proud Muggle and bonafide hater.