April 25, 2008
Listen up dickheads: I only ‘puppet master’ those who have strings hangin’ out their ass.
I’m sick n’ tired of hearing “Hillary is ruining the Democratic party” pissin’ and moanin’.
Seems that there’s plenty Democrats that are still are lovin’ my sh*t kickin’ ‘tude, if you ask me.
My celly was blowin’ up with all kindsa hate this past week when I said that we could obliterate Iran.
Let’s take this one step at a time:
Can we NOT obliterate Iran? Did we somehow listen to Dennis “Peacenik” Kucinich in the last two weeks
without my knowing it and get rid of all our pretty little nukes? No? Oh, I thought so.
So it seems that I was factually right in that statement.
Would I rather have a campaign run on solid threats we can keep, or a campaign of nebulus promises of hope that may or may not be fulfillable? Lemme think about that for a second.
Some folks got in my grillpiece sayin’ “Isn’t that harsh?…Cold War rhetoric?….Playin’ to fears…Nihilistic?..”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Look dickheads. I’m a Razorback ok? I know how to fight and win. You think I’m gonna talk about annhilating an entire culture in an instant composed of innocent civilians based on an unfounded hypothetical conjecture if I didn’t absolutely know that it would HELP my campaign?
The Kinks (as much as I hate the British) once said, “Give the people what they want.”
As long as y’all want to imagine the U.S. sitting on top of a fetid heap of death and vaporized human remains, I’m gonna keep hittin’ that sweet spot, honey.
People have suggested that “Ol’ What’s His Name” the “Also Ran” (who may or may not be Muslim. One never can be sure.) drop out instead of me. I agree. I think that’s a pretty good idea.
But neither of us will and that just kills you don’t it, liberal America? It just gnaws at your bleeding
hearts, I know it. Why? Because it exposed the Democrats as being just as shrewd, petty, power hungry, and idiotic as the Republicans? Or is it that we’re also playing into the trap of being backbiting, highly schismatic, unorganized, dogs chasing our own tails?
Well, whoop de dooo. You figured it out.
Guess what else: fuck you!
You still only have a choice between ‘Blue’ and ‘Red’, suckas.
And whether I win or lose Barack Hussein Obama or Kindly Old Bigot, I win.
So, vote for me, Hillary. Together we can obliterate.
April 24, 2008
Our crack Mindflowers interviewer JJ tracked down Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan for
some Q and A about their new film “Chapter 27″.
JJ: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me,…
Jared Leto: Your wel..
JJ: Lindsay. I know you’re really busy.
Lindsay: Not really.
JJ: My first question goes to…let’s see: Lindsay.
JJ: Lindsay, what was most difficult for you in playing your role?
Lindsay: I’d say it was the fact that I was playing a role. It meant that I had to be somewhere at a certain time, I couldn’t smoke when I wanted to…blah, blah, blah! Jeezus!
JJ: Jared. Hi there. Was it scary to get into a Hollywood movie?
Jared Leto: Well, I’d been in some films before so I kinda knew what to expect, and….
JJ: You’ve been in a movie before?
Jared Leto: Yeah.
JJ: Hmm. Ok. Go on.
Jared Leto: But the hardest thing for me in this film was probably gaining the weight.
JJ: Lindsay, did you gain any weight during the film?
Lindsay: Oh. My. Gawd. Like 2 pounds because I couldn’t smoke on set and there was like such junk food in my trailer. But, I drank myself back down to a hundred and two pounds, so its all good. Whiskey diet. Try it.
Jared Leto: I gained 50 pounds for this film. And lost like 25 pounds for “Requiem for a Dream”.
JJ: Lindsay, it was truly amazing that you were in this film.
Lindsay: I know. I know. I just TXTed summa my homegirls this morning and was like “Can U B-leev this sh*t?”
Jared Leto: I almost got diabetes in this film. Or gout. I almost got gout. My heart is still severely weakened. I got gray hairs.
JJ: Lindsay, you look great. I’ve just got to say it. You don’t look a day over 35.
Lindsay: I’m 21.
JJ: ….Lindsay, I loved “Speak” and “A Little More Personal”. When is your new album coming out?
Lindsay: Well, its tentatively titled “Bucka$$ Wilde” and its a high concept rock opera about Oscar Wilde and it will be out as a triple album release in June.
JJ: Jared Leto, do you like Lindsay’s music too?
Jared Leto: Well…I have a rock band. We’re pretty awesome…
JJ: Hmm. Ok. Well, thanks for chatting.
Jared Leto: I almost died for this movie.
JJ: Well, its gonna die in the box office, so maybe its appropriate….Get the hell outta here.
Lindsay: Yeah, Jared Leto, why don’t you just leave? (he leaves, sullen)
JJ: I thought you were in great in “Crossroads”.
April 24, 2008
April 23, 2008
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Poetry Leave a Comment
let me jump into you (the best I can)
i want to see this morning bound over
anteloped in freedom and small footed sure steps
what clean andes joy to be in you and not the world
living purely in your language my claxon dumbed ears
to rest in downey anglelessness
hidden hunkered like North Dakota Whitetail
in your lilt shade
set me grounded again only to kiss you at
the screen door
April 21, 2008
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Poetry Leave a Comment
backstage pacing the energy of ‘at once’
the same convergent horror of unwanted nocturnal emissions
aloneness and cut off from the stage manager’s clip board and the drunk extras
history drops off
that the Haitian Revolution has happened
is weaned by its not being here because the only now is now where forgetfulness reigns
it is the chaos of ten tiny circular spice bottles some of which bear dangerous street
drugs unannounced to you but each holds its own condolences
your kingdom is not in order your own sloughed off detritus of chinese take out
and curled up scripts taunt you on a hair-of-the-dog edge
its deafening-the warfare of your own choosing-it will carry
ruin or genius which either way ends up in after-show bar close
such silliness in that minute before hearing “…yes and it’s trouble that will find us”
April 20, 2008
Posted by j.j. under Poetry Leave a Comment
The devil spends his days ripping the final page out of mystery novels.
April 18, 2008
For nine-months, Yale undergrad Aliza Shvarts periodically impregnated herself via artificial insemination while concurrently taking abortifacient drugs, videotaping the induced miscarriages in the name of fine art.
If this story leaves a bloody taste in your mouth, I think that’s part of the point.
Yale Daily News account
April 14, 2008
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy
, Pop Culture 1 Comment
Moderator: Thank you for joining us this evening for the first Presidential debate between Lyndon LaRouche and La Bouche. Before we begin,….
La Bouche: Wanna be my lover wanna be my lover wanna be my lover
Moderator: Well, let’s begin. My first question goes to you, Lyndon LaRouche. If elected President, would you have diplomatic dialogue with the North Korea?
LaRouche: England’s fascism and the banking syndicates are set to destroy the world. Euclid and Anaxamander predicted this very situation, as the trade deficit of 1818-1820 squarely represents. There is no question of this. The only question is how long they will enslave us all without the aid of techno-neuro mind control.
Moderator: La Bouche, we have seen the dollar’s strength greatly diminish in recent….
La Bouche: If we could, we would like to touch on that same South Korea question.
La Bouche: Sweet dreams of rhythym and dancing.
Moderator: Would you like to elaborate?
La Bouche: Sweet dreams of passion through the night.
LaRouche: If I may. If I may, please interrupt….Look. The Anglo-Dutch Financier Tyranny as a hand-me-down of the ever ingenius Norman deniers and/or revilers of the immortal freedom of the spirit, best exemplified by the American legacy of FDR have never stopped and will never stop their quest for power. The British Empire, or should I say Brutish Empire, has sought through the means of media/mind control and hu/manipulation the absolute destruction of a free world. Harry S. Truman, a fascist, Bertrand Russell, a fascist, Stephen Hawkings, a fascist, Jimmy Buffett and Warren Buffett, both fascists, have subsequently further chained the naturally industrous and soaring spirit of the labor class.
Moderator: Moving on, La Bouche-this question is for you. What is the state of the war on terror? And, is victory possible?
La Bouche: In the night, in my dreams I’m in love with you.
Moderator: Would you like to elaborate?
La Bouche: ‘Cause you talk to me like lovers do.
LaRouche: I almost forgot! Mark Twain, Lionel Ritchie, Steve Martin, Ghengis Khan, Pol Pot, Tim Curry, Maya Angelou, Oprah, Desmond Tutu, Neville Chamberlain, Seal, Jaques Chirac, and Madonna are all fascists. Oh, and if you’re aged 18-26 and a one time History major drop-out who’s borderline homeless, I’m your candidate.
La Bouche: Wanna be my lover.
Moderator: (mutters to self) God, we need a third party…but then again, that’d be wasting my vote…
April 12, 2008
Posted by j.j. under Comedy  Comments
April 11, 2008
Everyone has a soul mate somewhere. Tom Petty’s soul mate is a pebble on top of Mount Kilomanjaro in the Ukrainian section of the Andes range. But the point is everyone has a soul mate. The following guide will teach you how to attract your soul mate.
This is a factual statement:
Your self esteem is like the stake at a witch burning: Absolutely necessary.
How your self esteem will ever recover from that time in 8th grade when Caitlyn Dresch pointed out your cold sore in front of the whole class, I’ll never know. But the important thing is that you at least FAKE a strong sense of self esteem. When going on a first date, answer every question with “hell yeah” and never avert your gaze from her eyes.
There you have it. It’s that easy.
It is also important to keep up your hygiene. Eleven basic tenets of masculine hygiene are:
- wax your mustache like a French boxer from the 1920′s
- never cut your fingernails — the longest fingernails win! Dick Cheney’s are seven inches long although the mainstream press always Photoshops them out!
- save toenail clippings so you can show them at that special moment
- in a separate container, save eye crusties and sleepies; this is who you are — be proud and she’ll bone you.
- brush only the front teeth; no one can see those molars and wisdom teeth anyway so why waste your time when you should be watching sports?
- don’t forget the steroids! you need strong thighs for thrusting.
- if you have manly chest hair, shave on a Batman symbol just in case.
- if you don’t have manly chest hair, Mindflowers endorses Rogaine with extra Monoxodil.
- before any first date have your mother smack you in the face with a Mag-Lite flashlight; nothing is sexier to a woman than a black eye and a broken nose.
- shave off one eyebrow
- botox everything
It has been a common misconception that women are afraid of heights. This is pure nonsense. It may however be true that women are allergic to Stetson cologne, though.
JJ and Ryan McGivern
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