I woke up today from a horrible nightmare.
Its a recurring genre of nightmare I have where Christians are making me feel horrible.
This happens quite a bit, actually. The one this morning was of an old Protestant pastor I
knew who in this particular dream was telling me to stay away from the youth of his church for fear that I would corrupt them and called me “an assassin of Christ”.
It made me feel horrible.
Its not just dreams like this that can ruin my mornings. All I have to do is recall Christian friends who have begun to feel that I was “too Christian”, “too legalistic”, “too liberal”,”not Christian”, “not the right kind of Christian”, or “under the influence of demons” (this is a personal favorite).

That dream made me realize I needed to clarify a bit a statement I made back in a comment dialogue attached to my movie review of “Religulous” where I stated that “I didn’t mind people telling me that I was going to hell but was more interested in how the belief that others are going to hell affects the potential for community.”

I take it back. To a certain degree. I know that I will always be in the wrong to someone and as the saying goes, “You can’t please everyone’s God 100% of the time.” So, I’m ready for whatever horrible dungeon any number of devotees might threaten me with.
BUT
not everyone is.
And I think that I’ve got to start holding these ‘eternal torture’ asswipes accountable.

You see, kids don’t know that hell is bullshit. Kids believe whatever you tell them. I tell my friend Jared’s niece Tiffanie that she’s cool and she is TOTALLY NOT cool. She still plays with Barbies. I mean c’mon. Bratz  are soooo much cooler. Tiffanie pretty much sucks.

And let’s face it: Telling Irish Catholics that they’re going to hell is old fucking hat.
I tell my entire family that they’re nothing but a bunch of Babylonian Sluts or Whores of Babylon or whatever. Slutty Persians.
They’re a big ol’ idolatrous heathonistic pile of pagans as far as I’m concerned. We’re an easy target and for as much ribbing as we get from the “Real Jesus Lovers” nothing too bad ever happens to us.
For instance, we recently haven’t had to fend for our Constitutional rights by a majority vote.

I’m a white guy who’s pretty hetero-normative (I’m not so much bi-curious as I am thigh-curious. Have you seen the legs on Shia LaBouff?) so I’m under the radar of the Hounds of Hell.
But it seems to me that its no coincidence that those who are more easily ‘essentialized’ get more of the
shitty end of the hell stick.
That’s the way it usually has been right? Women, people whose skin doesn’t quite match the en vogue pigment, people who love people with unapproved genital sets….

Hell, if God’s gonna torture ‘em for eternity, why not get ‘em warmed up?
Give ‘em a razzin’ or two? Drag some folks behind trucks? Keep them folks on THAT side of the fence.

Just as I have white privilege, I have “hell privilege”.
I can praise Jesus loudly and fool the Hell Hounds.
Some people can’t hide there “hell-boundedness” as well as I can.
The real life results of Hellish thinking make it easier to beat, diminish, oppress, and throw away as ‘Other’ “unsaved and hellbound” folks and its for those reasons that I’m repenting on hell….
I do care who you’re saying is going to burn in hell forever.
Because they’re my friends and family.
And you spoutin’ off that they’re maggot fodder to their very core-their very essence
gets played out in all kinds of real, tangible violence.
I’m sick of Napolean Complex Gods in the tiny minds of Hell Hounds going unchecked.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe that peoples minds will ever be changed theologically aside from loving, listening, caring dialogue. So all you Hell Hounds better be ready for a considerate and patient response from me next time I hear you say “hell”.
That’s right. I’m gonna listen carefully and show you how much I value you.
And then I’ll gently offer you another way.
Because life is hell enough as it is without turning religion into an argument.

Ryan “Flames Are Presently Licking My Taint” McGivern