Jesus!
I’ve been camp counselor and waterfront staff at Circle Pines Bible Camp since I was eleven years old,
and this will sadly be my last year.
I just can’t take it anymore. The life, the zest, the gusto, the fun, the purpose of Circle Pines has just been
completely sucked dry, leaving each summer just more and more meaningless, tedious, and unaffirming.
Don’t get me wrong: its not me. My faith is as strong as the Euphrates. Stronger than the very loins of Samson himself. No, its something entirely worse-
The absence of any demonic possessions.

The summer of 1975 saw not one or two possessions, but twelve. It was the summer of what we called The Purple People Eaters Curse.
In ‘84 I personally cast the Demon of masturbation out of a pre-teen girl and cast it into a herd of swine.
There was a time in the early 90’s that I personally confirmed the existence of three Succubi among the
craft shack staff.

Those golden days are over, however. Now when a kid throws up, we blame it on “too many smores at the campfire”, and instead of telling kids that they have the evil spirit of Zu Khali, Lord of the Air, we’re more apt to check with the camp nurse to see if their parents notified the camp of an allergy to gluten.

Fuck that! Bible Camp has been and always should be about spiritual warfare consisting of midnight rallies at the chapel, entertaining questions of how to pray away the overweight girls’ lesbianism, etc!

I’m lucky if in my cabin there are as many kids who bring their King James Bible and Holy Water as there are kids who are on Ritalin.
How am I supposed to rid 8 year olds of Satanic oppression when they have ’sports asthma’ and can’t sustain their balance on a blessed wooden cross in the middle of a peat bog while screaming Latin? I can’t work within these parameters, people!

So I’m quitting. Yep. I’ve decided to move on to bigger and better things. So I’m starting my new job 
tomorrow at Crystal Massage in the Galleria Mall near Encino.
I’m not a licenced masseuse, but I certainly can lay hands on you for the gifting of the Holy Spirit with
the evidence of tongues.
I take appointments or drop ins, and if you refer me to another customer, your next exorcism massage is five dollars off.