Three years ago my amazing friend Lori moved her mind and body to San Francisco where she had relations with two consecutive dog breeders that she met on crazyblinddate.com. While the breeder hunks are around no more, Lori became compulsively obsessed with poodle grooming and her poodle grooming skills were and are undeniable.
Last February, with over 1000 logged hours of grooming, Lori was invited to join the prestigious Professional Poodle Groomer’s Guild and this year she has won Top PooDog in three of the four professional competitions on the West Coast, including the prestigious Sunset Boulevard Poodles and Noodles Smackdown! Let’s all wish her luck at Nationals on New Years Eve in Truth and Consequences, NM, the proud Poodle Capital of America! Concurrently on New Years Eve, Mindflowers will be holding a sceance in Lori’s honor at the back of the Pigglywiggly in Cottondale, AL. Be there or make us sad.
Peacock poodle
Teenage Mutant Ninja Poodle
Lori on the cover of Groomer Magazine and on top of the world!!!
Did you ever have a relationship that you regretted?
You know, the clingy ex, the heartache, the weird TXT messages late at night, the cold sores, they all pile up and leave you wishing that you never
met the pyscho-let alone tell them your Peter Pan fantasies.
Well, being a wacked out dickhead and abusive piece of shit isn’t reserved for just your most recent ex who thought they’d get you back if they used coercive tactics. No, seems churches got in on the fun too.
Take Grace Community Church in Jacksonville Florida for example.
This cult of Hester Prynne stoning slackjaws is blackmailing an ex congregant by threatening to disclose “her sins” to anyone who wishes to stop by their cult compound on Sunday January 4th.
Rebecca Hancock trusted a mentor (vampire) with her most intimate feelings and experiences only to have that mentor break her trust and blab it around to the other Pharisees in the Borg Hive.
So Rebecca distanced herself from the church, resigned from it, and walked away-like anyone who finds themselves in an abusive relationship should.
Was that the end? You’d think so. But not if you’re trapped in “Lethal Attraction II: The Christ’s Revenge”.
Nope. They sent her a letter blackmailing her into coming back to the church or else they’ll publically humiliate her.
Her crime by the way? She’s unmarried and has sex.
I’ve checked out their website’s church calendar and it doesn’t have
Rebecca Hancock’s “public humiliation punishment” listed on their events schedule for Sunday January 4th. Why not? Is blackmail something they wouldn’t want the Internet to find out about? Well, oops.
Grace Community Church’s telephone number is: 904 268 8854.
Their email is: office@gracejax.org
Some folks can do no wrong, it seems.
Even when their upper lip is smeared with the santorum of an emu.
Rick Warren, by saying that 2% of the population should not be protected by law because…….well, because they’re ONLY 2% of the population- sides with the tyranny of the masses, denies the constitution, and denies the “self evident truth” of god creating everyone equal. Or maybe he doesn’t believe in the god that’s mentioned in the constitution. Either way, it seems he’s either a bully, someone who misunderstands the precepts America was founded on, or a religious bigot who worships a god who gives some over to be punished by dictatorial asswipes.
(Let’s not even get into how Rick Warren came to the ’2%’ number. We’ll leave discussions of queer identities and the freedom and fluidity of sexual expression to the comments.)
Rick Warren and the rest of his ilk are ahistorical (or White European historical redactionists-whatever’s worse) and culturally ignorant. When someone says: “Marriage has been about ‘one man and one woman for life’ for five thousand years” has flunked Sociology 101 in their uncredentialed Bible college.
Rule #1: If you want to strip people of their inherent human rights, dignity, and freedom and base that on arguments from Historical Tradition, take the five minutes to peruse Wikipedia or any other middle school level reading difficulty text and get your bigoted ducks in a row.
Rule #2: Anytime your religious leaders get fired up about what “2%” of a nation want in regards to their rights, your religious leader is a bankrupted, vacuous imbecile. Is Rick Warren’s god so terrified and weak, that “2%” of America can threaten it? The answer is “yes” when, as in Rick Warren’s case, your god is an idol of racist and sexist hegemony whose only power resides in ignorance and non-love.
Rule #3: If you have to continually answer to charges that you’re a bigot, take a second to introspect.
Rule #4: If you think that by giving someone who is peaceably protesting you and your church some donuts and coffee, you are patronizing and arrogant.
You’d think that someone with as much influence as Rick Warren does would take ten minutes to consider what he’s doing. Pastors are held to a higher accountability-and he’s failing. Instead of handing out donuts to people that’s he’s rallying to punish, judge, and outcast, he might have stopped to pray with, listen to, and worship with them.
But then again, who’d want to accept, love, include, and fight for the outcast and ‘least of these’? That’s crazy talk.
The work of an American Hard Ass is never over.
First, you’ve got to save the world in WWII.
Then, you’ve got to go save Asians in Korea and Viet Nam.
Plus you’ve got two concurrent wars presently.
Not only is policing the world tough work, but its horribly condescending.
The “you weak and dumb people sure will appreciate my blazing gun” motif
in all its (Viagra powered) phallic glory is smattered all over the most recent movie trailer from Clint “Don’t Criticize My Racist Movies” Eastwood.
The saccarine Red White and Blue bullshit of Clint’s drivel has pushed me away in recent years. And by the looks of it, Gran Torino jumps (or humps) the (great White) shark.
Breakdown of the trailer
Urban Black Youth get disciplined by Old White Guy
Weak Asians saved from Urban Asian Youth by Old White Guy
Weak Effeminate Priest gets schooled in the ways of life by Old White Guy
Appreciative Weak Asians laying gifts at the door of Old White Guy
Bottom Line: A+ in Old White Guys Doing Awesome Old White Guy Stuff .
(i.e. racist bullshit. Reviewers from USA Today will love it.)
The owner of a three-year-old German Shepherd named “I Will Fucking Torture and Kill Every Dog Except German Shepherds” says he is not racist and is upset a Pennslyvania boutique doggie treats store “Doggie Pyle” refused his racist wife a birthday cake for their dog with its name written on it.
Taint Campbell is asking for understanding, an apology, and a clean pair of tightie whities following the boutique doggie treats store’s refusal to give his wife, German Shepherds Fucking Rock Campbell, the birthday cake.
“My pooping my pants has nothing to do with the incident. I just think [owner of Doggie Pyle] Don Pyle probably knows where to find clean underwear. I don’t. I found the pair I’m currently wearing in an alley.” Said Taint Campbell at a Wednesday news conference.
“They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The dog isn’t going to grow up and actually fucking torture and kill every dog except German Shepherds. That’s ludicrous. If anybody’s going to do that, its my wife.” he said.
Mr Campbell said he had mixed-breeds of puppies present at his dog’s birthday party. “If we’re so racist, then why would I have let them come into my ramshakle home?” he said. Said his wife, German Shepherds Fucking Rock, “I drink bleach all the time. Its not bad for you, its cheaper than the goat semen I used to buy, and it tastes great. So….there you have it.”
The Campbells have two other dogs with unusual names: JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. They also have a daughter named Caligula’s Unwiped Asshole, age nine.
Mr Campbell said his favorite dogs are black labs. “Some of my favorite movie star dogs were black labs. Like that one from ‘White Fang’ who is all badass in that scene in Anchorage? He was awesome. So don’t tell me I’m racist.”
He said he was raised not to torture and kill every dog but German Shepherds. However, he was told by his parents, two mule-kicked circus freaks, not to mix with them socially or romantically – values he would not try and pass onto his dog.
“Say he grows up and hangs out with Chihuahuas. That’s fine, I don’t really care. That’s his choice,” he said. “All I can do is electro-prod him, starve him, and chain him to the back of my four wheeler when I go muddin’. The rest is up to him.”
He is reported to have also said people should listen to America’s new president, Barack Obama, who had called for change.
“I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past.” Mr Campbell told the Associated Press.
As of press time, his wife, German Shepherds Fucking Rock, is slated to murder twelve dogs in her basement. None of which are German Shepherds.
Ever since some hunchback got the idea to build a clock tower and then hire another hunchback to ring the bells in said clock tower, folks have understood the benefits of HUDs, or Heads Up Displays.
Imagine yourself in a village and always having to walk to the sundial over by the Rectory to figure out how much longer until the witch burning.
Boring! Tiresome! Inefficient!
The village clock tower solved all those problems. Information distributed equally in the easily seen locale of the creepy church where the screams come from.
Cell phones have done their part in killing off the watch, the one last piece of jewelry that looked good on me. (My nipple rings make me look fat.) They, being aligned by cingular, or Verizon, coordinate time-keeping like the village clock tower, but set people back in the Department of Ease. Now, when you ask the time, people have to rummage around looking for their cell phones in their fanny-packs, Umbro shorts, Zubaz, Cross Colors pants, or baby tee, depending on what era they’re from.
Boring! Tiresome! Inefficient!
Now, we’re on our way to create contact lenses with microprint displays that will become the ultimate HUDs, relaying weather, traffic, face recognition technology (for those awkward “what’s that douchebags name?” moments), and oh yes, the current time.
From http://ieeexplore.ieee.org
Summary: “Conventional contact lenses are simple polymer structures primarily used for the correction of vision. In this paper, we present a set of microfabrication techniques that allow for integration of various micro-devices onto a contact lens. The integration of function into the structure of a contact lens opens a number of intriguing venues such as incorporation of a semi-transparent display directly on the structure of a contact lens or the inclusion of a bio-sensor directly on the surface of the cornea. We also discuss methods used to render the lens biocompatible for use in a rabbit eye.”
Oh how we’ll miss those sundials. They only count sunny days.
(Why rabbits need to know the time, is your guess.)
Boss: How was the train in? Tim: I biked actually. Boss: Motorcycle! Tim: Bike…Went great though. Traffic was good. Boss: The bike traffic? Or normal car traffic? Tim: Both I guess. Boss: Well good. Thanks for coming in today, Tim. We got your CV and references in the email and we’ve had the chance to look them over pretty well and….Oh, have a seat. Have a seat. And…I’ve got to say, Tim. You look good on paper. Tim: Well, I try to look good all the time. (strokes stylish new haircut) Boss: (Taking note of the stylish new haircut) I see. Very good. (scribbles emphatic notes while humming) Yes, yes, good. So. Tim. It says here you studied at Harvard. Tim: That’s right. Boss: I’ve heard of that school. Tim: You have? Good things I hope. Boss: Well,………(both break out laughing) Tim: I hope I’m not in the company of a Yale-Man. Boss: God no. I’ve got my shoes on the right foot don’t I? (both laugh) No, I was at Harvard too. ’98 to 2002. Tim: Me too!… Boss: Small world! I was Alpha Kappa Eta. Tim: AKE-y Breaky Heart! I was AKE too! I lived upstairs, above the kitchen. Boss: Tim. Timothy. TIMOTHY Hurkstadt? Tim: That’s right! And you’re…… Boss: Mikey!!! Mikey likes it!!!! “Mikey Likes It”….The rape case….. Tim: …..you lived in the basement-with Lawrence. Oh my god! Hell yeah! Drop ‘em and give me twenty! Boss: Not the time or place, Tim. No. (serious again) Let’s just move right along here. Says here on your cover letter that you’re suitable for the position of the company’s vice president. That true? Tim: Yes. Absolutely. Boss: And I only bring that up, because you misspelled ‘president.’ Tim: Probably just a typo. Boss: Yes, that’s exactly it. Its a typo. Tim: These Blackberry keyboards, nowadays….So small. Boss: You typed it on a Blackberry? Well…That changes everything….(writes another happy note on his paper while humming) Listed under “experience” it says here that you “corroborated with Police, giving anonymous eye-witness testimony leading to the arrest and conviction of a Harvard rapist.” Tell me a bit about that. Tim: I….there….I….you…. Boss: This interview may be winding up here, and I’m sure that you’re a busy man- Tim: I,…please… Boss: This is a Fortune 500 Company, Tim. We have stocks. Okay? Did you see the lobby downstairs? That’s the actual set from “Scarface” okay? Do you think we play games here? No. Next week I am sitting before a congressional panel asking Uncle Sam for 950 Billion dollars just to retrofit our helicopter landing pad and waterpark okay? We need people here that are honest. But not so honest as to rat out a frat brother. Okay? We need driven people who will work hard for millions of dollars and play golf with people they don’t like just to keep business deals. Okay? We need people who are willing to wipe their ass thoroughly and wash their hands with soap because I’m a neat freak with a Howard Hughes like demand for cleanliness. We need- Tim: Uh! Can I go to the bathroom? Boss: Now? In the middle of my screaming? Tim: Yeah, I’ll be really quick. Boss: I guess. Sure. Down the hall past the glass elevator, take a left at the champagne filled fountain.
Forty-five minutes later,
Tim: Okay, I’m back. Sorry about that. Boss: No problem. Not a problem at all. Let’s continue this interview. You look really good on paper, Tim. Impressive. I must admit, you’re a great candidate for this position. You….Well, I’m just a little nervous, here. You’ll have to forgive me. I’m nervous because….God, its hard to be open. To be vulnerable. I’m nervous because I’m afraid you won’t take the job. Tim: Why would you think that?…..Michael? Boss: Because I screamed at you. I raised my voice and that was stupid of me. Look. Tim. I followed you into the bathroom. Tim: (pretending to be surprised) Really? Boss: Yes, and I must say. You must have used like an entire roll of toilet paper. Seriously, I heard the roll spinning and it was like the hum of a jet engine. And you washed your hands really really well. Good job. Tim: Gosh, well, thanks. Boss: So let’s just get you signed up, whattya say? Wait….wait….what’s this? I’m pulling up your Facebook right now. Hmmm. Interesting. It looks like there’s a picture of you groping a cardboard cutout of Hilary Clinton. Tim: That’s not a cutout. Boss: (Squints) Okay. Well, there is also a picture of you here in a bathroom and you’re standing by a sink holding up your hands that apparently have poop all over them and the caption you wrote was: “E Coli virus!! LOL” Tim: ……Let’s not gloss over the fact that I groped Hilary Clinton. I mean, that’s pretty awesome. Boss: Nevertheless, Tim. Nevertheless. I….Was that whole washing your hands thing in the bathroom just now like an act? Was it just a show to entice me to hire you? Tim: If I say yes, you won’t hire me. If I say ‘no’ you will hire me. Boss: Is that a question? Are you thinking out loud? Or are you trying to Jedi Mind Trick me? Tim: Mind Trick. Boss: Episode IV reference. Nice. Tim: Actually, you made the reference. Boss: Still. It was nice of you to play along. Episode I: Phantom Menace? Tim: Sucked balls. Boss: You’re hired. Get your company mug at the reception’s desk on the way out.
Well, it’s because, probably right now, my roommate, who I am falling is love with, is probably fucking his abusive ex, who makes him in return abusive.
I was fucking him two and then 5 nights ago. He is great in bed. I am also falling in love with him. Damn all those bipolar Aries.
And guess what.? Because I am in the pre-ovulation stage of my menstrual cycle, I really just don’t care. I want her dead and I maybe want to be with him and they are fucking in a close-by room. But, well, I finally don’t care! Rock On!
(true true true – you should’ve been there! with me being and feeling all detached and uninterested.)
I am really not looking for a long term relationship for this two week period of time, ya know.?
