Tina: This is going to be the most memorable summer ever!
Sarah: You’re right, Tina! This is one summer at Loon Lake Camp that we’ll never forget!
T: Look at how excited I am! I’m getting goose bumps!
S: My hands are shaking in part because I’m detoxing but certainly also because camp starts today!
T: I’ve got to say, Sarah, that I think I’m going to win ‘counselor of the year’.
S: Not so fast, Tina. I’ve held that honor for the last three years. I’m not going to give it up easily.
T: We’ll just have to wait and see! I think a lot of campers are going to find Jesus this summer.
S: And lose weight.
T: That’s right. Having Arizona’s only Baptist affiliated Fat Camp assures us we’re gonna get a lot of backslid chubbies. This is going to be a memorable year.
S: I’m going to remember it as the summer that our ‘no drownings’ streak ended.
T: The campers haven’t even arrived yet!
S: I know. It was the Camp Nurse, Ms. Burnett.
T: We don’t even have a lake! It dried up in last year’s drought!
S: I know. She drowned in a pool of her own blood.
T: The five year ‘no drowning’ streak is finally over? This IS going to be a memorable summer. Of course, this is also just my first year at Loon Lake so that makes it pretty memorable.
S: I remember my first year working here. I was a virgin then.
T: …I hope the campers come soon. I can’t wait to get into the craft shack and make friendship bracelets!
S: I used up all the thread. Sorry….I made an auto-asphyxiation noose.
T: …Kids are really going to meet Jesus here, I can feel it!
S: And lose weight.
T: Right- and lose weight. Speaking of, I’m hungry.
S: The camp cook died this morning so there won’t be dinner. Just to let you know.
T: How?
S: Slipped in Ms. Burnett’s blood. And then he drowned in it.
T: Two drownings in one day! After a 5 year streak! Where did all her blood come from anyway?
S: I can’t wait to get these kids started on a crash course diet!
T: And learn about martyrs, and spiritual warfare, and possession, and Ephesians,
S: Ha! Kids don’t care about that stuff anymore! Now its all “iPhone” this, and “Xbox” that. We haven’t even had a proper demon possession the last two summers.
T: Well, I’m sure that will change. I myself already had a demon of overeating cast out of me this morning.
S: And it shows, Tina. Looking good!
T: Oh, hush! You’re too kind. But you’re right. I’m looking pretty good. I really don’t know how I can eat all that I do and stay so slim!
S: Ah, the metabolism and vanity of youth.
T: This is going to be such a memorable summer.
S: I’m going to remember as much of this summer as I can, given all the heavy mind-erasing drugs I’ll be using. But before I forget, I should tell you that there will be a planned burning of the soccer field tomorrow.
T: Oh No! I’d planned a soccer tournament and tithe-drive on the field tomorrow! But I guess to prevent wildfires, you’ve just got to pre-burn some areas.
S: Oh, it has nothing to do with wildfires. I’m burning it as part of my soccer tournament and sermon illustration.
T: To show the kids what hell is like? Fight fire with fire as it were?
S: I didn’t think of that. No, its just for them to stand by it and sweat out some water weight.
T: Your sermon is….
S: “And Jesus Wept: Keeping your water weight down.” It’s a three part series.
T: This is going to be so memorable!
S: It sure will be! Like I remember when I went into your room this morning and replaced your Tic Tacs with Sugarfree Tic-Tacs.
T: Tic-Tacs?….You mean my mood stabilizer and bi-polar medications? I thought they looked funny!
S: Whatever they were, you can expect to lose some weight with Sugarfree Tic-Tacs.
T: I’m on 4000 milligrams of anti-psychotics on an 8 hour cycle, Sarah! I’ll lose my mind before I lose weight!
S: All your screaming is really killing my crank buzz and crushing my heroine chill, man.
T: I’m sorry.
S: Thank you. Apology accepted.
T: I keep forgetting that you’re an old pro at this summer camp thing.
S: That’s right. And you’re just a greenhorn. You don’t know the grim realities of a Bible/Fat Camp.
T: Please show me the ropes.
S: I will. I promise to give you all the insider 411.
T: No, I mean your auto-asphyxiation noose. I’m feeling my brain chemistry radically changing and I’d like to regulate through a tabooed life-threatening form of erotic self-harm.
S: Now you’re talking like a seasoned Bible Camp Counselor.
T: Ah! A Bible/FAT Camp Counselor.
S: C’mon. Let’s go get you a noose and then burn the dead. We’ve got overweight Christian preteens to get ready for.
(End)
