PinkEye: I think I’m coming down with a cold, DeliThin.
DeliThin: What? Well you are or you aren’t.
PE: Well…I…Think I am.
DT: Oh my god, just great!
PE: Well I might not be.
DT: Give it to me straight, PinkEye!
PE: Well I woke up with a sore throat and I feel some body aches.
DT: Great. Just great. You know—you know how susceptible I am to catching colds. You get a cold, and I get it twice as bad. To serve as illustration–Your name is PinkEye yet it’s me who lost sight in his left eye because I picked at it too much.
PE: Well, I mean…Its just that no one made you pick at your eye so much.
DT: It hurt, PinkEye. It hurt. It itched. I had pink eye. I scratched at my eye until it imploded because I had pink eye. I had pink eye because you had pink eye. Your name is PinkEye!
PE: I woke up in the middle of the night and you were rubbing my fingers directly onto your retina.
DT: Besides the point.
PE: I tried pulling away.
DT: Are you quite done? You finished? You just have to get the last word in don’t you? God, [rubs temples] I think I’m getting a headache from you.
PE: Headaches aren’t catchy.
DT: I hope this isn’t a summer cold.
PE: Summer colds are the worst. I know.
DT: If it isn’t bad enough I got to be locked away for life—I’ve got to be locked away with the fucking Velveteen Rabbit.
PE: I asked you yesterday if you wanted me to throw poop at the guard and get sent to solitary to give you your personal space and you said ‘no’!
DT: Well I didn’t know that you were incubating Swine Flu did I?
PE: I don’t think you can get Swine Flu from rat bites.
DT: Besides the point.
PE: Look, I’m not looking for an argument. If we could keep track of days from this dungeon, we’d find that we argue every day. It doesn’t need to be this way.
DT: You don’t like me.
PE: That’s not what I said at all.
DT: You hate me—you just said it.
PE: You are so dramatic! Look, all I’m saying is that we have enough hardship as it is. Advanced Interrogation Techniques, cruel and demeaning treatment from the guards…With the time we have together we can choose to make the best of it.
DT: I am making the best of it. You ever see me complain about the hoods we have to wear over our heads when paraded out in front of the laughing guards? I like the smell inside my hood. It smells like my breath. You see me complain about the windowless cell? I thank God that I don’t have to worry about early aging due to sun damage. My only problem is you!
PE: DeliThin, that’s it. I’m not your best friend anymore. [turns back to him]
DT: [sighs] I’ve never told anyone this before…My father was known as the ‘Butcher of Seville’. He once killed twelve cattle with his bare mouth. I remember he would come home covered in blood and plop down on the couch and I’d bring him his pipe and slippers. One day he didn’t come home. State Troopers picked him up while trying to transport black market foie gras into Connecticut. He got life in prison. He sent a note to me in a capsule he’d fed a pigeon which was totally unnecessary because he had weekly phone privileges, but that’s besides the point. You know what that note said?
PE: Don’t take your cellmate for granted?
DT: “Become a vegetarian. It’s more humane and more healthy.”
PE: That’s it?
DT: That’s it. I changed my name legally to DeliThin the next day. I was a rebellious teenager…PinkEye, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…
PE: Yeah? And?
DT: That’s it. I’ve been thinking….What?
PE: I’ve never told anyone this before…My dad was called Dr. Timothy Paulford. He had an ophthalmology practice in Malibu. He’d come home each day and check me for cataracts. One day he didn’t come home. He’d run off with his secretary. He sent me an email one day and you know what it said?
DT: Don’t give your cellmate colds?
PE: “Become a vegetarian. It’s more humane and more healthy.”
DT: We are so alike.
PE: More alike than either of us knew.
DT: Did you become a vegetarian?
PE: Of course! It’s more humane and more healthy!
DT: We are so unalike.
PE: More unalike than either of us will ever know.
DT: ….My headache is feeling better.
PE: I guess they are catchy because now I’m getting one.
DT: …I’d told you I’d been thinking, right?
PE: Yeah. And?
DT: That’s it. I’ve been thinking…What?
(END)
