The purpose of this blog is to get you ready for the second most important day of your life–the first being the day you drank those four quarts of bleach. I want to convey to you 1) the great urgency in the world 2) urgency I personally feel for a bathroom 3) the atmosphere of urgency I want to create so that you could be compelled to make a horrible life decision about religion.

Everything the Bible declares has the full authority of God Himself. How do I know that the Bible is true? The Bible says it’s true. How do I know that Superman is stronger than Bizarro? The comics tell me so. How do I know that the transmissions I receive in my head are the voices of Frank Capra and Eugene O’Neill? They said so.

Now, at this time, information is coming forth from the Bible through me through this blog which all clearly reveal God’s plan for Judgment Day, the end of the world, and the International Beer Festival in Frankenmuth Michigan.

The Bible has opened up slowly it’s milky white pages and parted it’s silky smooth bindings to reveal it’s delicate and sweet sweet secrets to me.
This information was never previously known because God had been coy and kept the blossom of his Word pure until now.

It has become very obvious to the serious student of the Bible, meaning every highschool drop out who has read The Bible Code and watched the movie The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe that we are now living in the last few days of earth’s history. The history of the Moon is ending soon too. Sorry, lunar rover.

The Bible’s calendar of history is completely accurate and trustworthy. I have removed my iCalendar function from my computer and now rely solely on Nahum and Habukkuk to remind me when my electroshock therapy is scheduled so that I can ‘accidentally’ be out of town and miss the appointment.

Since this Bible calendar is given by God in His Word, it can be trusted wholeheartedly.
So can it’s recipes. Have you ever had honey and locusts? Try it!

I highly recommend that you obtain a free copy of the book “We Are Almost There!” by writing to the following address: Family Stations, Inc., 290 Hegenberger Rd., Oakland, CA 94621.
If you are too busy to mail an envelope as you get ready for the end of the world, i.e. building a bombshelter, screaming on sidewalks, or shamefully crying over your recent masturbation session to the Mormon Tabernacle DVD your Grandmother gave you, get more apocalyptic know-how at: www.familyradio.com.

The Times Of Every Important Event In History

11,013 BC—Creation.  God creates the world and Adam.
11,o13 BC–God creates woman from Adam’s rib.
11,039 BC–Another hole is tried out and Cain is born.

4990 BC—The flood of Noah.  Everybody dies in a worldwide flood.  Only Noah, his milf wife, and his 3 sons and their swappable wives survive in the boat along with dinosaurs, buffalo, dodos, and dragons (6023 years from creation). Frannie Mickelsen tragically dies at the age of 9 after just learning how to doggy paddle really good.

7 BC—The year Jesus H. Christ is born (11,006 years from creation). NOT 4 AD. Seriously. And on Christmas Day. Seriously.

33 AD—The year Jesus H. Christ goes on vacation to India and gets food poisoning and dies.
(11,045 years from creation; 5023 calendar years from the flood).

1988 AD—This year ended the church age and Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up tops the charts (13,000 years from creation). Seriously.

1994 AD—On September 7th, the first 2300-day period of the greater tribulation came to an end and Here Comes the Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze makes number one on the Billboard charts (13,006 years from creation). Seriously. I’m not making this shit up.

2011 AD—On May 21st, Frankenmuth Michigan will host their Annual World Expo of Beer!
http://www.frankenmuthfestivals.com/
http://www.worldexpoofbeer.com/expo/