Follow these easy steps to weasel your way up the social ladder, impress your co-workers, find a new and better spouse, reach your life goals, and establish yourself as your neighborhood’s Silverback!

1. GET BIT BY A SPIDER

What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. By the time your fever-insanity wears off, you’ll be ready to do a touch down dance! And with any luck, the spider will be irradiated–giving you more power (awesome!) and responsibility (boo!).

2. PROVIDE FOOD
Fill up on some wine and bread before you crack out your expensive ceremonial peyote!

3. GIVE LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS

Football games get people’s dander up. It riles the blood and spoils the spleen! Football is dangerous, violent, and exactly what the Donner Party would look like if it was interrupted by advertisements every two minutes.
That’s why the best Super Bowl Parties start with lots of hugs and end with passing around a bowl filled with car keys. Love is the antidote to testosterone. Remember to hug firmly (but not squeezing) and don’t do that “pat pat” thing–it feels condescending.

4. GIVE YOUR GUESTS TATTOOS

After the BBQ accident, you’ll want as many distinguishing marks as possible to identify the bodies.

IN CONCLUSION:
Your party will be known as “the day everything changed” and it will have a movie made of it where your complaining neighbor will be played by Matthew Modine and a number of creative liberties will be taken to make your lifestyle fit a PG-13 rating.

Good luck (and remember a little cilantro goes a long way)!

Ryan McGivern

http://sbtwitter.nfl.com/

Hey kids! Get fired up for the slopes and rev up to rock solid some peak icey nice!
Powder keggin’ some sweet cherry mountains in the kewlest xtreem sport is fun! It is awesome! It is truly a prime way to catch the best high! But check it–there’s A LOT to learn so strap in and stoke up for sum hott schoolin’ on the only reason to live: Snowboarding!

You want to fly? Come check the friendly skies! Go big or go home. Ice down your breakouts cuz windburn is tuff. Apply hot compress pads on backne to really cool down the afterburnerz! You’ll be flyin’ in no time.

Feeling the brutal power of the raw adrenaline that adults usually try to supress is regal! Unleash the hidden shadows and fodder of your cramped up true self and tear out some tendons by the ski lodge! You’ll be triumphant when you get to tell your pediatrician your ribs are soft and detached. Dare to be different!

Now you’ve got it. Snowboarding the best sport. It is the absolute best.
Your friends in middle school are gonna puke and drool with envy and be like: Naw!
And you’ll be like: I destroyed!
Snowboarding is only for the best.

Do it your way. Your way is xtreemly the best and no one can stop you now. The snow is the core of who you are and everything else has melted away to leave you a fiery daemon of black diamond expert slopes. Take a few beginner lessons from a certified trainer at your local bunny hill. And always wear a helmet kids.

Ride thru the woods! Shred up the backcountry and make paper (that’s what big kids call knockin’ down stupid trees)!
You rule here. No one can tell you that school is important in the chest deep pow of freeridin’ forests. No one can judge you in this anything goes mayhem of destruction! Have your parents buy you a cell phone to take wicked pics of yourself munchin’ some sweet lumber in snowboarding no-man’s land of spinal injury! Your mind will EXPLODE. Take a hit on the awesome stick.

Kiss the crowds bye-bye and wave ‘C Ya Suckas!’ as you go rockstar in the lodge’s restaurant or warming shed. Blaze new trails through the candy machine line and be like “Tic tock!” as you clock in some toasty hot chocolate.

Tell your parents, step-parents, guardians, or church youth group leader that they’re weak but you’re tweaked! Ride an avalanche! Boom goes the dynamite as you launch into an epic rail slide down an apocalyptic avalanche of plastic ice, rock, debris, and bodies. Zen out and nollie.

Kids can have fun too. This is a kids world! Kids rule, grownups drool.

You are on course to glory. Your manna is INCREASED. Get your power up by accessing some Mountain Dew from your parents SUV that they were keepin’ for after and rip through 24 ounces of electricity b4 hitting the arcade!

Race 4 the finish, y’all! Race for victory. Never stop now. Go faster than you thought possible by ampin’ up on two Butterfingers. Keep a great diet because champions never quit. Knock back three yogurt cups and some trail mix before bed every nite to keep ripped up and shredded hard. Punch at your bedroom wall when you’re grounded and keep lookin’ at totally xtreem snowboarding websites like this one! Watch TV all nite!

Gravity is a big no-no. Amplify your life with altitude! Jibbin’ some kewl moves and shwankin a Doot Blast to some insane air is sure to catch the eyes of some sweet snow hotty bodies! Wait to have sex until college kids! And yes, community college counts kids! Expand your horizons on the slopes and with your head in the books y’all. School is cool and so is having sex at college kids! Extend your legs and lean into it kids!

You are the RoboSnoVillain who’s nursing a broken collar bone! With a rude ‘tude, you’ll be grubbin’ on this factoid:
Snowboarding is the best. TXT message “SUATB” to your homies as you forget everything and bliss out on some sun glared ice patches and some chewing tobacco. Smoking is for grownups and totally gross. Smoking is not allowed in the snow park. Stuff in some chew your brother gave you and call people from the slopes as you rest and get your head right from the nicotine nausea. Its sick wicked! Havok up some of your gums to the max and remember to pick your teeth b4 you talk to your buzzkill parents! Rip it with style and look kewl.

Demand your parents buy you a season pass. Its what all your friends’ parents are doing! Why do they have to be such a bunch of douches? You’ve got the smooth moves and you know what to do. FEAR leads to DOUBT. Questioning yourself is failure! Don’t bonk on this. Tantrum and bust a gut and alternate between listening to emo and slash core/hiphop fusion! Never look back. Dazzle everyone. You are the star. Backflip 540 into a hernia.

Okay, time to take it up a notch. Declare nuclear war on skiers! You’ve got a lot of nerve. Your mocking is like a game and you’re going for the GOLD. There is no end to the possibilities! Have your parents pack you a school lunch and challenge your classmates to competitive eating! Spark your growth spurt and eat as fast as you can kids! You outrun the wind. You own the 6th grade. Never bully. Bullying is for losers. A quiet confidence and aire of superiority and implied threats go ALL THE WAY. Who’s in charge? You. Lock your door and never let your sister find your journal. Its private! Your feelings of inadequacy are none of her business! She’d totally think you’re a noob if she found out you cry everynight thinking about how much you miss having friends!

Get a sponsor. Board for Nike or Pepsi. Call them up and tell them your name. Spell your name. Enunciation is KEY.
Let them know: “I am in confirmation class at St. Gregory’s Greek Orthodox Church and I’m big for my age!”
Tell them they need you like the birds need the sky. Because that sounds awesome!  You’re getting some big air! Stay on top of your game! Shower regularly kids and brush and floss your teeth. Look at yourself in the mirror and try not to crumble under the pressure. Get yourself together. C’mon, dude. It’ll be alright.

]]> http://mindflowers.net/2010/02/25/wheelchair-dancing/feed/ 0 j.j. dancing http://mindflowers.net/2009/11/28/many-santas-are-coming-to-town/ http://mindflowers.net/2009/11/28/many-santas-are-coming-to-town/#comments Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:31:58 +0000 Ryan McGivern and J.J. http://mindflowers.net/?p=1283 ]]> A Santacon invite:

Thanksgiving is now behind us, putting us squarely in ‘The Holidays’ now, which can mean only one thing:  Santa Clauses coming To Town… LOTS of them.

On Saturday, December 12th, 2009, beginning at 11:30am, hundreds of Santas of all stripes will converge at an as-yet-undisclosed location to begin a day of fun known alternately as ‘Santarchy’ or ‘Santacon’.

If you’ve never attended a Santarchy, we highly recommend it.  There’s just nothing like roaming the city dressed as Santa Claus in a big, red Santa mob, singing carols, handing out candy canes, and popping into pubs for a quick sip once in awhile.

For more information on Santarchy/Santacon Seattle, check out the Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=168342134116, or go to http://www.trisantacon.com/, where you can get info about the Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, and Bellingham Santacons.  Be sure to check back at those sites closer to the day of the event to get information on where to meet and how to catch up if you miss the start.

And if you need a Santa suit, you might be surprised at how inexpensive they actually are.  This time of year you can find them at lots of major retailers, or whip up something yourself from old clothes, fabric, or odds-and-ends laying round the house.  And although Santa is the primary character roaming the streets on Santarchy, you’ll be sure to find some elves, and maybe reindeer and other known Santa associates.

We hope to see you out on December 12th for Seattle Santarchy!

Happy Holidays!

dirty bunny

Last year, my friend and current roommate Abby and I wandered downtown and suggested that folks “buy more stuff.” Then, I co-authored a song about my experience with another friend, Shannon. Last week it became the official song of the Buy More Stuff movement! And last Friday it got press in one of the primo Seattle blogs! Check it:

From Seattlest.com:

Busiest shopping day of the year, nexus of downtown Seattle commerce, the hard core of the retail core: Westlake Mall. And what do we have? Well, people doing their holiday shopping, of course. And getting ready for the ceremonial lighting of the Christmas Tree. But who are those spoilsports with the signs, already? Ah, that would be the protesters, the anarchists, the enemies of the public good. So nicely dressed, too. So polite, so well-groomed. Those signs, what do they say? Down with the capitalist state? No, the signs are actually encouraging commerce. “Buy More Stuff,” they implore. “Hurry,” they urge.

Irony, how clever! Performance art, for the third year running! A theme song! Who’d have thought up such an ironic and clever protest against consumerism? (Connect the dots, if you will; you’d be right.)

“My husband and I take a bath together and tell the kids to play outside for an hour.”
-Tess B.

“These gas prices are just horrendous! So, instead of taking a long driving trip, we load up our Yukon and hitch our Focus on the back, tow it up to the cabin and then take mini driving trips around the lake. We also like to save money by buying our top hats in bulk.”
-Lily W.

“Usually, to save money, my wife and I will get in a fight about finances, lack of sex, or whether to raise our kids Jewish or Catholic and I end up staying a few nights at my buddy Jared’s. Its pretty cool: he’s got XBox and doesn’t care if I pray the Hail Mary over his toddlers.”
-Sean MacMalhoney

“To me everyday is a Staycation.”
Grandpa Theo, Oak Haven Senior Care Housing