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February 22, 2008

Invitation: Seattle Flash Makeout, February 24th

Posted by j.j. under Activities, Beauty, Comedy, Events, How to, Religion, Romance, Violence
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The Seattle Flash Makeout will commence at exactly
4:20 p.m.
Sunday February 24th

a song will be played.
lots of people will smooch.
bring your own or share one of ours.

the song will end.
We’ll disperse as if…

In Fremont, WA
around the Lenin statue, that man needs some LOVE.
at the corner of 36th and Evanston in Fremont.

Sometimes we get drinks after…
sometimes we smooch some more.

Photographers welcome.

***PLEASE REPOST AS MANY PLACES AS YOU CAN***

PRE-MAKEOUT DRINKS AT NECTAR 2PM

Seattle Times Article
Seattle Flash Makout Tribe

 

February 22, 2008

Invitation: Gargantuan Pillow Fight in Seattle, March 29th

Posted by j.j. under Activities, Events, Play, Violence
[2] Comments 

 

  • DATE: Saturday March 29th RAIN OR SHINE. Don’t be a wimp
  • TIME: 3:15pm
  • PLACE: Pike Place Market, corner of Pike and Pine. In the street, in front of the place that throws the fish.

A car will be blocking traffic so that we can safely fight in the street. Because we’ll be stopping traffic the fight will be 3 minutes.

THE WAY IT WORKS-

- TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THE FIGHT. Bring as many people as you possibly can. A big fight is a GREAT fight!
- CONCEAL YOUR PILLOW! Hide it in a backpack, a shopping bag, under your coat, etc. DO NOT go to the fight location and hang out with a pillow in your hand. Look busy: Pretend to shop, chat on the phone or with a friend, whatever, just don’t be obvious. (If you see someone hanging out, with pillow in hand, discreetly suggest that they look busy and try to hide the pillow)
- LISTEN FOR THE WHISTLE. There will be a diversion in the street to allow the car to stop for us and give the cars that were in front of it time to move down the street to give us enough room to have the fight. Don’t just start fighting because someone is in the street.
- After 3 minutes, a whistle will be blown again to stop the fight. STOP FIGHTING IMMEDIATELY AND WALK AWAY. Just like nothing ever happened.

    **AFTERMATH GATHERING at The Whiskey Bar (just in time for happy hour!) 2000 Second Ave. (206) 443-4490 Bring cash if you want to drink, because they don’t accept credit cards.

    REMEMBER-
    Bring Friends, Tell people
    Conceal Your Pillow
    Don’t Hit Anyone Without a Pillow (Very important!!!)
    Watch Out for Cameras

    –If you come with a group, it’s helpful to spread out before the fight and come running from different directions–

    Seattle Pillow Fight Club MySpace page

     

    February 20, 2008

    Jesus Comes Back May 21st, 2011. Watch Him return from Frankenmuth Michigan!

    Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Adventure, Future, Justice, Magic, Places, Pop Culture, Religion, Science, Time, Travel
    [2] Comments 

    Are you one of those who goes to uneasy sleep each night wondering when Jesus is going to come back? Do you want to enjoy a whole expo of world beers as He floats down from heaven? Here’s all the info you’ll need to get ready for MAY 21st, 2011, the day Jesus’ll come back.

    • Matthew 24:37 “As were the days of Noah, so shall be the coming of the son of man.”
    • Genesis 7:4 “For yet seven days and I will cause it to reain upon the earth.”
    • II Peter 3:8 “Forget not this one thing, beloved, that one day is with the Lord as
      a thousand years.”
    • It is known the exact year of the flood in Noah’s day was the year 4990 BCE. Thus, seven days, 7000 years. Thus, if you add 7000 to Noah’s flood date, you get 2011. The extra year is accounted for in the ‘zero’ year between BCE and CE.
    • Hence, May 21st 2011 is the day Jesus is coming back.

    For more information on Jesus, email davidto216@sbcglobal.net

    I say let’s all plan on spending the day of infamy at the Frankenmuth World Expo of Beer, in Frankenmuth Michigan, taking place during May 20 and 21 2011.
    http://www.frankenmuthfestivals.com/?subpage_id=2009
    http://www.frankenmuth.org/
    http://beer.about.com/od/beerfestivals/gr/FrankFest2007.htm

    Frankenmuth Michigan: the only place to be when Jesus comes back.

    Ryan McGivern
    www.myspace.com/mckibbon

     

    January 24, 2008

    Now That I’m Giving Birth (advice to Jamie Lynn Spears)

    Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Bipolars!, Comedy
    1 Comment 

    17Now that I’m giving birth, I’ve come to a change of heart about this whole motherhood thing. I know, I know. I’ve had 9 months to mull over the options and you’d think that there would have come a point in time where I realized that I’d make an unfit mother, but it really wasn’t until the last five minutes when my water broke that the truth hit home.

    My dialating cervex seems to me like a death sentence. Why would I ever want a kid? Look at all the trouble its already causing: my roommate Tasha is having to ready warm water and towels, and our landlord is yelling through the door about quieting down all the agonized screams of: “Oh my God! The baby’s coming!”

    This baby is already cramping my style, man, and it’s only just begun crowning. Sheesh.

    Now I’m gonna have to play the “who’s this infant look like?” game to figure out who I’ll need to call for financial support. I’ve got my ideas who is behind this birth (that is currently tearing the tender skin between my vagina and anus apart). Let’s see, it would be the usual suspects: God, having ‘overshadowed’ me at my Santa Maria high school reunion, may have left me with a consubstantial propitiation for sin. Or, it could be Tyler the bowling alley attendant. I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if the fast moving alien that leapt out of that giant pod and planted itself on my face laid an egg in my stomach that’s now gonna burst from me and become an acid blooded monster. Then again, it may well be that this all is just a bad case of gas. Who knows?

    Tasha is a great midwife. She’s a cashier at Hot Dog On A Stick by trade, but she visits Wikipedia all the time to read about massage therapy, so she pretty much has this ob/gyn stuff down pat. She also was a lesbian in college, so her working knowledge of women’s dirty parts is better than average. For example, she just screamed that I’m having a “breech birth and it looks like conjoined twins!” That’s pretty impressive. I don’t even know what that means.

    You hear a lot about the ‘miracle of birth’ but you’d never guess that it would be such a blood drenched affair. This couch will definitely have to be sold on eBay without a photo.

    In a few minutes, if all goes according to plan, Tasha will have given me a “Sea Section” (whatever that is) and I will be a glowing mother of two! Or is it ‘one’? How do you count twins that are connected at the neck and share the same head?

    Anywho, I’m sooooo excited! (OMG!) I’m for sure going to post pictures on myspace and change my home page song to “Baby Baby” by Amy Grant!

    I’ve just got couple of pieces of advice for Jamie Lynn Spears and all the other beautiful baby-mommas to be:

    1. Drinking booze is probably okay in the third trimester once all the important fetal development is done.
    2. Abortion is a quick, easy, and safe way to assure that you will rot in hell forever.
    3. More pregnancies=less periods=more sex. Now, that’s some math I like!
    4. Not cutting the umbilical cord will rescue you from ever having to say those tough ‘goodbyes’.

    So, all you hot ladies with baby lumps, good luck and mazel tov!

    Ryan McGivern
    www.myspace.com/mckibbon

     

    January 12, 2008

    How To: Duel (Freestyle Rap Battle)

    Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Comedy, How to, Justice, Pop Culture
    1 Comment 

    rapAll you suckers be thinking you can fade this? Puh-leez. I got mad rap dueling skills like Dairy Queen employees got temptations and The Temptations got moves.  I waxed LL Cool J so bad once that his head grew a Kangol hat comprised of shame and a magical cotton/embarrassment blend.

    That’s right. I’ve got rhymes that’re so smooth they make Jiff seem like broken glass. So smooth in fact that while you just read this, they slipped in and out of your sphincter 5 times without your notice. I know you ain’t exactly no spring chicken, but that’s still pretty smooth.

    I’m what you may call the Darth Vader of Freestyle Rap. I mean Darth Vader back when he was cool. You know, the Darth Vader of Empire Strikes Back when he move boxes with his mind! I’m like the Lost of Rap Dueling. You know, like the first three episodes of Lost when it was still cool.

    So here’s how its done:

    1. Make reference to your opponent’s appearance but steer clear of insensitive subjects like race (whiter than that guy who played Harry Stone on Night Court), hairstyle, weight (perhaps they’re so fat that they resemble a large object), cheap jewelry (because what’s wrong with cheap jewelry? Real diamonds are way overpriced. Maybe they’re just thrifty), etc.
    2. Make your insults rhyme. This is important. Look at the difference between these two Rap War Weapons-
      “Your breath is like the inside of Reese Witherspoon’s dumpster
      have you seen that forehead, can you believe someone humps her?”
      and…
      “Your teeth look like Raven Simone’s panty liners on a bad day, sucka! ohmygawd, did I just say that?”

    As you can see, rhyming is an important, nay, integral component to rap battling.

    So good luck, stay fresh, and may you never have to deal with Suge Knight.

    Ryan McGivern
    www.myspace.com/mckibbon

     

    January 12, 2008

    How To: Duel (Gunfight)

    Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Blog, Comedy, Games, How to, Justice
    1 Comment 

    duelWell, I’ll just tell you right flat out. If there’s to be trigger play, its best to be long far off or hiding behind a well fed cattle herd.

    I ain’t no hero. Never claimed to be. Shucks, anything Ol’ Man Eggars told you about the shootout at the mine probably’s only a nickel’s worth of truth. Sure, I put some men down in my day, but I ain’t proud of it. Only thing those ol’ Peace Makers ever got me was nightmares to be chased away with the whiskey.

    But, let’s just suppose that you are in a tight spot. Maybe some big city slicker is looking to buy up your farm, or some half wit got fresh with your sister down by the mill. Well, that there’s shooting time and you’d better be ready for it, because luck don’t favor the foolish.

    Here’s the first thing you’ll have to do: grow out a moustache. Nice and long. Get it all walrus like and coat it in pitch and molasses.

    Next, start telling people that you ain’t got no name. If they ask you who you is, just look ‘em square in the eye and tell ‘em: “Listen to the wind in a graveyard at midnight. That’ll tell you my name.”

    Its important to be ready to die. I suggest a good last will and testament and End Of Life instructions for your family and health care providers.

    Now to the shootin’: I’ll be honest to you. Ain’t no amount of practice ever gonna get you to be able to hit nuthin’. With all your nerves going, and your big ol’ moustache flappin’ in the breeze, you’ll be lucky if you just a’ keep from dropping road apples in your pantaloons. The important thing is to just look like you know what yer doin’. Its like middle management. All you need to know is some PowerPoint, Office Xcel, and Outlook and the rest is all in attitude.

    In movies they’ll usually show fellas stand in the street and wait for the other fella to move. Why wait? Time is money! And don’t stare anybody in the eyes! You’ll recognize your shared humanity with ‘em and then you’ve had it!

    Rules Of Gunfighting Duels:

    1. First person dead loses.
    2. Second person dead also loses but more tragically.
    3. Any surviving participant will either be viewed as a murderer, lucky bastard who’s got it coming, or unholy archetype of merciless justice.
    4. Shooting from the hip is encouraged, but not necessary.
    5. If both participants discharge all the available ammunition in town without successfully killing the other, the local sheriff should ride into the next town to buy some more.

    Good luck, have fun, and may Satan welcome you kindly.

    Ryan McGivern
    www.myspace.com/mckibbon

     

    January 8, 2008

    I Love Anonymous Sex And Voting

    Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Blog, Comedy, Politics, Sex
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    voteThere’s nothing more fun than a nice, old fashioned anonymous sexual encounter. Except for voting, that is.

    I love the way I can step into a curtained off booth and do it so hot and fast without any thought and feelings of responsibility! And when I step out of the voting booth, I love the dirty feeling it gives me to see the unknowing but suspecting people milling around! Weeeeeee!!!!

    I love it. It’s a rush.

    Barack Obama doesn’t know me. And I sure as hell don’t know him. All I know is that he’s about ‘change’. Change for what, or change from what, I’m not sure-but who cares?! I’m high, horny, and votey!

    People will tell me its dangerous. “You’ve got to be careful, Ryan. You never know who’s out there.” Lemme tell you: I’ve had anonymous sex with people that Bob Allen would turn down, and I’ve voted for two different Bushes on three separate occasions. I’ve seen it all, and I just don’t give a damn anymore! Weeeeee!

    Are you running for a mid-level governmental job? Ohmygawd, that’s hot. Maybe I could vote for you right here right now!!

    What I love best about anonymous sex and voting is the absence of consequences. Sure, I’ve been knifed while going to ‘second base’ in a Wahoo’s Fish Taco bathroom, and currently live in a country who arbitrarily invades third world countries on a whim, but that’s negligible in comparison to the rush I get by acting capriciously.

    So, Mitt Romney: You’ve got my “vote” so long as you-

    1. Don’t talk
    2. Don’t look me in the face
    3. Give it to me rough
    4. Never try to find me at this bar again

    Ryan McGivern

    Bob Allen: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Allen
    Mitt Romney: http://www.mittromney.com/homepage

     

    January 6, 2008

    People putting things in their mouth

    Posted by j.j. under Activities, Photography, Self Improvement, Things
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    • mark
    • courtney
    • lori
     

    December 2, 2007

    True Stories: Christmas Virgins, Mary and me!

    Posted by j.j. under Activities, Food, Nostalgia, Religion
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    happy birthday Jesus!

    I was 23, Jewish-ish and tickled hot pink that my friend Jordyn invited me to my first-ever family Christmas celebration. The shebang was to be held at her Aunt’s home in Tampa, a quick 45 minute jaunt along the Interstate in her pickup truck.

    I learned backstory about the Aunt. She had a gambling problem and would disappear to Indian Casinos or Atlantic City without telling a soul, including her heart-conditioned husband. One day a year ago she MIA’d off to Atlantic City and her husband plopped dead of a heart attack. Luckily she learned her lesson — now she only gambles on the Internet.

    We parked outside the Aunt’s house and I walked inside to Home Shopping Network guys screaming about ginsu knives through a large television in the dining area: I could slice my wrist with those, I thought, an optimistic foreshadowing. Jordan’s Aunt, a jolly looking, ample and amplified 50-year-old woman bounced towards me. After attempting to exchange cordials with the Aunt, I politely inquired if it were possible to turn the TV down so we could hear each other. “What did you say?” She screamed at me. I repeated my question fourteen decibels higher. “Oh no, of course not,” she replied with no sense of irony, ushering me to the dining room table.

    Sitting at the table were two ruffians who had enough ink tattooed throughout them to make a squid explode with jealousy. They were drunk and making out. Jordan explained that the male slice of this couplet was her cousin, the Aunt’s son. He had gotten out of jail earlier that week; Jordyn didn’t know what he was in for. The girl he was lip-locked to was his girlfriend; I think he also had a wife and kids. Like any good guest, they brought their own case of Budweiser which they were already midway through.

    There was another cousin, a paraplegic, who lay in a bedroom adjacent to the dining area. I try to give people a benefit of the doubt that they are decent and worthwhile – especially those oppressed with disability — but this cousin made it impossible, angry and bitter at everything, yelling at the Aunt to bring him thinly-sliced potatoes and carrots, calling her a god-damned bitch. Without hesitation, she brought him the veggies. This behavior continued throughout dinner.

    It was time for dessert, and, as I was told is tradition, the Aunt baked a birthday cake for Jesus. It was filled with candles, but not 2000+. I pondered asking about this, but my question became lost in a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday dear Jesus, Happy Birthday to you.” Should we take the cake outside and let the Godly wind blow it out (it was nearly hurricane season). “No,” the Aunt said cheerfully, and blew it out herself.

    I hope Jesus got his wish.

    Then we all got gifts, fruit cake. “Hey you useless slut, give me some fucking fruitcake,” the cousin screamed from his room. The Aunt obliged.

    I can’t imagine a more perfect first Christmas. I hope there are thousands more on my horizon.

     

    November 30, 2007

    How To: Talk to People

    Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Blog, How to, Self Improvement
    Leave a Comment 

    trekI went to the Check Cashing Place this morning and I made the mistake of asking my attendant through the bullet proof glass how she was.

    She clanked my money into the metal slot that’s big enough to clank money through but not big enough to fit a pistol through and said:
    “Next.”
    I guess that meant her day was “just fine, thank you.”

    I have a hard time communicating with people, too, I’ll admit it. Whenever I’m trolling chatrooms, I’ll do something stupid like ask ArwenElf203948 if she wants to meet me at the Blockbuster by my house without first waiting the ‘requisite 10 minutes of IMing before asking to meet a stranger at Blockbuster’. There seems to be so many unwritten and written rules about how to talk to people!

    When I am Ouiji boarding by myself in my incense drenched bedroom and I ask the spirit what color underwear it’s wearing, the marker always jumps over to the “Goodbye” in the corner. How am I to know all the finer details of necromancy if no one tells me?

    If the waitress at Denny’s doesn’t have the proper etiquette and social tact to introduce herself formally and shake my hand, of course I’m going to call her “Sweet Tits”- but still I’m the one who gets looked down upon by the Denny’s management!

    To give you yet another example of how hard it can be to have an adult conversation with someone, this is what happened to me last night at the Minx‘s men’s bathroom:
    Some Guy: Hey. What’s up?
    Me: Hey! Not much how are you doing tonight? Don’t you just LOVE the DJ here?
    He plays just the BEST music!
    Some Guy: Yeah. Cool. You wanna party?
    Me: Ohmygawd I love to party. I’ve been wanting to party all day.
    Some Guy: Yeah? Let’s go into the stall and talk about it.
    Me: Your shirt is just adorable! I love it.
    Some Guy: Yeah. Well, I’ve got some other cool stuff to show you too.
    Me: Show and tell? Aren’t you the brave little boy in front of the class!
    Some Guy: Yeah. Uh, can you keep your voice down? I mean, the staff here
    are really uptight about this kind of thing, so…..
    Me: Where did you get your shirt? It is just adorable!

    We went back and forth like this for like 20 minutes and I never did find out where he bought his shirt. I mean, what gives?

    There is nothing I find more difficult than talking to girls. I know, many of you might have pegged me as a ‘Don Juan’ type but I am pretty much the opposite. I’m more John Cusack than John Cusack could ever be. I think that in the Guiness World Record for the most sexually frustrated animals it would be a tie between me, captive pandas, Trekkies, and the roadies for Ratt’s ‘Invasion of Your Privacy’ Tour.

    Not that talking to people is all that important when you have a blog. Why bother talking to people when you can sit in a dark room on a Friday afternoon and blog about how difficult it is to talk to someone?

    Ryan McGivern

    Me: www.myspace.com/mckibbon
    The Minx: www.minx-la.com

     

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