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November 30, 2008

Official Buy More Stuff Theme Song

Posted by j.j. under Activities, Blog, Merchandise, Nostalgia
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buy-more

Last year, my friend and current roommate Abby and I wandered downtown and suggested that folks “buy more stuff.” Then, I co-authored a song about my experience with another friend, Shannon. Last week it became the official song of the Buy More Stuff movement! And last Friday it got press in one of the primo Seattle blogs! Check it:

From Seattlest.com:

Busiest shopping day of the year, nexus of downtown Seattle commerce, the hard core of the retail core: Westlake Mall. And what do we have? Well, people doing their holiday shopping, of course. And getting ready for the ceremonial lighting of the Christmas Tree. But who are those spoilsports with the signs, already? Ah, that would be the protesters, the anarchists, the enemies of the public good. So nicely dressed, too. So polite, so well-groomed. Those signs, what do they say? Down with the capitalist state? No, the signs are actually encouraging commerce. “Buy More Stuff,” they implore. “Hurry,” they urge.

Irony, how clever! Performance art, for the third year running! A theme song! Who’d have thought up such an ironic and clever protest against consumerism? (Connect the dots, if you will; you’d be right.)

 

March 13, 2008

Man Sits on Toilet for 20 Minutes!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Comedy, Pop Culture
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HOLLYWOOD, CA. - Deputies said an Irishman in Hollywood sat on his and his roommates’ toilet for twenty minutes, and they’re investigating whether he was mistreated.

Los Angeles County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said a man identified as Ben Watson called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his Irish roommate.

Whipple said it appeared that either the 30-year-old Irishman’s skin had grown around the seat, or else he was reading a Variety magazine and drinking a Pabst. Initially, the man, who authorities are calling “McGivern” refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and Mr. Watson that he either needed to be checked out at a hospital or ’shit or get off the pot’.

“He’s been in there for like, 20 minutes.” Said the man’s other roommate Derek Ellingson in a 911 call.“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with him into the livingroom.” Whipple said. “It appears that either his buttocks had grown around the seat the way a tree will grow around chicken wire, or he was kind of constipated and just reading a magazine and drinking beer on the toilet.”

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against “McGivern”.

“There aren’t really any tenet laws or protections for roommates in cases where one roommate will hog the bathroom for a long time. I think that the fact that he was reading a Variety and drinking beer led to him being in there for twenty minutes. Either he’s mentally retarded, or just kind of inconsiderate. I would hate a roommate like that, either way.” Whipple said.

“He was not glued. He was not tied. He was just sitting there. Well, and reading and drinking beer.” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”

Watson and Ellingson told investigators they brought their roommate food and water, and asked him every few minutes to come out of the bathroom.

“And his reply would be, ‘In a minute!,”’ Whipple said. “According to the roommates, he did not want to leave the bathroom.”

Police found the Irishman sitting on the toilet, his sweat pants down to his mid-thigh. He was “somewhat disoriented,” and his legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

“He said that he didn’t need any help, that he was OK and did not want to leave,” he said.

Authorities said they did not know if he was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the Irishman’s name, but said that he was “really Irish.” and his name was “something like McGivern”.

“I don’t think anybody can make any sense out of it,” he said.

“He always takes like twenty minutes in the bathroom.” Said Mr. Watson. “He never does his dishes either.”

 

Ryan McGivern

 

March 13, 2008

Fox News Update: Paul Encouraged by Anti-Bullying Media

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Ethics, Politics, Pop Culture, Violence
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A recent study has found my 11 year old cousin Paul gets a boost from coverage in the news media that shows support for me letting him up off the ground.

Two Harvard University economists found that my weak-kneed and asthmatic cousin Paul is responsive to “anti-bullying-resolve” statements in the media.

“The study shows that Paul does respond to anti-bullying media coverage and shows that a successful bullying strategy should take that reality into account,” Jon Smart, a co-author of the study and a postdoctoral fellow at Harvard’s Center for Science and International Affairs, told US News and World Report.

My cousin Paul’s struggling against my titty twisters increased between 7 and 10 percent immediately after a spike in “anti-bullying-resolve” statements in the media, according to the findings.

The study was published by the National Bureau of Economic Research. My Aunt Linda was excluded from the study and the study did not review overall wedgie-to-scrotal-pressure-ratio or account for child abuse laws.

“The wedgie-to-scrotal-pressure-ratio is high!” said my cousin Paul.

Ryan McGivern

 

February 22, 2008

Obama-mania meets a confused Clinton-phile

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Politics, Pop Culture
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I overheard this conversation at Peet’s coffee:
Guy: (approaches woman) have you had a chance to put on your Barack Obama stickers?
Woman: Oh. No.
Guy: Really? You’ve got to put one on and then give the other one to someone else who hasn’t got theirs yet. Imagine if all his supporters had them on their cars! You’ve really got to put yours on.
Woman: Oh. I don’t have any Barack Obama stickers.
Guy: What? Didn’t I give you yours already?
Woman: No. Are you mistaking me for someone else?
Guy:….Maybe I am. I thought I had given you two Obama stickers.
Woman: No, I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else. (both awkwardly laugh). Yes, I actually am supporting Hillary Clinton. As a woman, I really find her inspirational.
Guy:….Have you seen the Will.i.am video?
Woman: …No.
Guy: It’s on YouTube. You know Will.iam?
Woman: …No.
Guy: He’s with the Black Eyed Peas. You know the Black Eyed Peas? The music group?
Woman: …No. I do like music, but I’m more into classical.
Guy: Well Will.i.am made a video for Barack Obama. You really should see it. Will…I…Am. Its on YouTube.
Woman: …Okay.
Guy: Yeah, I really thought I’d given you those stickers. But I guess not.
Woman: Do I look like someone?
Guy: Well, no not really. Now that I think of it, she’s white and wears glasses. (both awkwardly laugh) All women look the same to me. Because I don’t look. I always tell my wife ‘I don’t look!’ (both awkwardly laugh and guy walks away)

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

February 20, 2008

Farewell Fidel (exclusive interview)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Comedy, Politics, Pop Culture
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Getting the scoop on Fidel Castro’s retirment as King of Cuba, mindflowers.net’s top reporter Ryan McGivern got an exclusive interview with the hunky green jump suit clad sweetheart.

Ryan: Fidel. Thanks for sitting down with me. You’ve decided to step down as leading man of the romantic comedy known as Cuba. Why?
Fidel Castro: They forgot the roll and they only kept the rock. The roll’s the whole damn thing dude, the rock is nothing, deal with it, the roll is king. Unfortunately most cats don’t get behind the roll.

America has many misconceptions about Cuba. For instance, I’ve always thought it was pronounced “Q-Bah” apparently its more like “Coo-Bah”. What else should Americans know about your cute little country?
The one thing I’ll never do is the dope. I won’t do that again. Everything else is up for grabs. Why wouldn’t I do the dope again? Because I’ve been there and done that, and it’s fucking painful, man. The other schmucks are doing it all the time and I pity them.

In Godfather II, there’s a couple of scenes that take place in Cuba and it looks a lot like Florida, only with more revolutions. What’s your favorite vacation spot?
I mean I don’t think I’m cool, it’s other people that tell me I’m cool, I’m just being who I am. Just be yourself is all I can say, the rest of it’s a fucking joke. ‘Elegantly wasted’ blah-blah-blah, I’ve had all of that. If you’ve gotta be cool be cool with yourself. If you’ve gotta think about being cool, you ain’t cool.

Forgive me, but I have to ask this question. Communism. Is it really all that cool?
I wouldn’t want to do that again. It’s having your fucking skull cut open. It’s what I had to go through. Yes, I’ve been trepanned. That’s quite an interesting experience, especially for my brain surgeon,
who saw my thoughts flying around in my brain. I’ve got pictures of it mate, yeah. They cut my head, brain, skull open, went in and pulled out the crap, and put some of it back in again. But that’s the way it is, I mean, shit, Fidel Castro has got to do everything once.

Let’s talk about the Bay of Pigs. Tell us how it felt. I mean, in your heart of hearts how did it make you feel?
The other best bit is the morning after, when you wake up and realise you’ve had a great time. I mean drugs have got really nothing to do with life. Drugs are there if you want them, and it’s not a big fucking deal.

Bananas. High in potassium?
Everyone’s a load of crap. They’re all trying to be somebody else and they ain’t being themselves. The Libertines, Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party? Load of crap, load a crap. Posers, rubbish. There ain’t nothing out there that’s worth shit. I listen to the real shit, I don’t listen to bullshit. I listen to my shit, baby, Motörhead, reggae, Moroccan music. All kinds of shit.

How’s the weather been down there?
I was totally comatose, but I was totally awake,
I could listen to everyone, and they were like, ‘He’s dead, he’s dead!’ waving their fingers and pushing me about, and I was thinking, ‘I’m not dead!’. So that’s sort of the worst one. But I got out of that, I mean otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you. But yeah, bad shit is bad shit. The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared, he didn’t give a shit.
It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.

Hillary Clinton has gone on record that if she cannot win the democratic primaries that she would love a crack at becoming the Queen of Cuba. “The climate would be great for my skin, and I’ve got a great health care plan. It’s a match made in heaven…or should I say a match made in a Marxist utopia where the workers rule? We don’t need more speeches. We need solutions. Vote Hillary. In either America, or if not, in Cuba.”

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

February 7, 2008

“Cool and hip are sooo last year…Tacky is the new black.”

Posted by j.j. under Blog, Nostalgia, Places
1 Comment 

dog cprAs you all know, mindflowers has a gargantuan following in the Greater Orlando/Kissimmee Metropolitan Area. Therefore to and fro, the mindflowers staff is proud as bacon bits to officially endorse the following blog — A Guide to All Things Tacky and Fabulous in Orlando. At the time of this writing, GATTFO is highlighting the chivalrous heroic integrity of a firefighter who saves the lives of dogs by performing CPR.

Important Update: Check out this entry about 100+ people who camped in tents overnight in a parking lot beside Chick-Fil-A hoping to win free food.

 

January 13, 2008

How To: Make the most of your Valentine’s Day conjugal visit.

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Comedy, How to, Justice, Love, Prison, Romance, Sex
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Valentine’s Day is already around the corner! Gulp! I still haven’t even taken down my Halloween decorations. Boy, how time does fly.

heartIt seems like only yesterday that I burned out my credit cards on Christmas presents and my husband went to prison.  David has been locked up for thirteen Valentine’s Days now and in that time I’ve learned some real helpful ways to make the most of the two hour Valentine Day conjugal visit the State of California gives us.

Its important that you ladies out there know that there’s much more to a conjugal visit than just the requisite sex act. Plan on having that ’sex’ stuff out of the way in the first  three minutes. The rest of the time you’ll be focusing on lying about the status of the money that’s supposedly still buried in the backyard, who you’ve been seeing on the side, and how many children you’ve had in the previous year by his friend RazorDog.

I’ve found that all this lying and skirting around issues can be tiring, so drink a lot of coffee before going in.  Remember ladies, you’re not just seeing your husband in jail on Valentine’s Day. You’re seeing all the cute guards too. This will be a good time to pick up  some numbers if you’re on your game so dress up! I know personally that if you play your cards right with the guards at San Quentin’s ‘high risk offenders’ area, you’re in for a real treat.

Don’t forget to compliment your husband’s new scarifications and tattoos. These not only designate his status in cell block 28’s gang, but they represent the slow chiseling away of his soul by the System.

Have a great time this February 14th, and may your smuggling go well!

 

January 12, 2008

How To: Duel (Gunfight)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Blog, Comedy, Games, How to, Justice
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duelWell, I’ll just tell you right flat out. If there’s to be trigger play, its best to be long far off or hiding behind a well fed cattle herd.

I ain’t no hero. Never claimed to be. Shucks, anything Ol’ Man Eggars told you about the shootout at the mine probably’s only a nickel’s worth of truth. Sure, I put some men down in my day, but I ain’t proud of it. Only thing those ol’ Peace Makers ever got me was nightmares to be chased away with the whiskey.

But, let’s just suppose that you are in a tight spot. Maybe some big city slicker is looking to buy up your farm, or some half wit got fresh with your sister down by the mill. Well, that there’s shooting time and you’d better be ready for it, because luck don’t favor the foolish.

Here’s the first thing you’ll have to do: grow out a moustache. Nice and long. Get it all walrus like and coat it in pitch and molasses.

Next, start telling people that you ain’t got no name. If they ask you who you is, just look ‘em square in the eye and tell ‘em: “Listen to the wind in a graveyard at midnight. That’ll tell you my name.”

Its important to be ready to die. I suggest a good last will and testament and End Of Life instructions for your family and health care providers.

Now to the shootin’: I’ll be honest to you. Ain’t no amount of practice ever gonna get you to be able to hit nuthin’. With all your nerves going, and your big ol’ moustache flappin’ in the breeze, you’ll be lucky if you just a’ keep from dropping road apples in your pantaloons. The important thing is to just look like you know what yer doin’. Its like middle management. All you need to know is some PowerPoint, Office Xcel, and Outlook and the rest is all in attitude.

In movies they’ll usually show fellas stand in the street and wait for the other fella to move. Why wait? Time is money! And don’t stare anybody in the eyes! You’ll recognize your shared humanity with ‘em and then you’ve had it!

Rules Of Gunfighting Duels:

  1. First person dead loses.
  2. Second person dead also loses but more tragically.
  3. Any surviving participant will either be viewed as a murderer, lucky bastard who’s got it coming, or unholy archetype of merciless justice.
  4. Shooting from the hip is encouraged, but not necessary.
  5. If both participants discharge all the available ammunition in town without successfully killing the other, the local sheriff should ride into the next town to buy some more.

Good luck, have fun, and may Satan welcome you kindly.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

January 10, 2008

Cleveland County Schools Are Learn-tastic!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Magic, Places, Self Improvement, Travel
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GroverAre you a student in grades Kindergarten through 12 looking for only the finest public education available? Then consider Cleveland County Schools in beautiful North Carolina.

Cleveland County makes other county schools look downright pathetic. Take Grover Elementary School as an example: We’re named after Super Grover, people. If that’s not a ‘10′ on the ‘cool school meter’, we don’t know what is.

Some county schools may say: “Come learn from us!” Not us. Here in Cleveland County, we say: “Let’s have a learn-tastic dance party!” We see our students as our equals. In some school districts, if a second grader was to walk into class and say: “I want to create world peace.” the school district would scoff in their cherubic face. Not Cleveland County Schools.

We’d begin a hunger strike until world peace was created.

We’ve got a lot of pride in our schools. Shelby High School is like Mount Olympus, filled with gods to be worshipped. Burns Middle School is like Ben and Jerry’s “Everything But The…” Ice Cream: more awesome than the best dream fantasy conjured by a magical unicorn princess.

That’s right. A magical unicorn princess. Top that, Gaston County!

With all the voices of public education vying for your allegiance, it can be hard to make the School District choice that’s right for you. So, let’s make this real easy. Here’s a list of some of the features Cleveland County Schools will bring you:

  1. We’ve got our eye on that bully.
  2. We can guarantee that our libraries will have at least one Harry Potter book available at all times.
  3. Diorama-mania!
  4. Cleveland County Schools, as of the last inspection, are completely poltergeist free.
  5. Crest High School football team. ‘Nuff said.

Wherever you do decide to receive your public school education, we wish you the best. Seriously. Good luck to you. Just don’t come crawling back to us when you won’t be accepted at Duke and end up at some dump like Emory.

Ryan McGivern

Me: www.myspace.com/mckibbon
Best School District Ever: http://www.clevelandcountyschools.org/
Best Ice Cream Ever: http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/item/52550.html
Unicorns (magical, princess, and other): http://www.unicornmuseum.org/
Crest Football Schedule: http://www.clevelandcountyschools.org/schools/chs/fbv.asp
Super Grover: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ieO8MGbZgU8

 

January 10, 2008

Movie Review: There Will Be Blood

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Art, Blog, Movie Review
1 Comment 

bloodMy Brothers, you’ve been washed in the blood of the land, my Sisters christened with names both fearful and murderous. Our altars, our prophets, our poets-they make promises of rest to the weary.

It will not be brought. The dice have been cast, the lots have been taken and we all, dear Jonahs, are cursed. But our curses, like blessings, are mixed.

Our Noahs watch the world drown, our Abrahams bind us for the slaughter and we thank them and toast to their good fortune.

The rhythm you feel in your tendons and heartstrings is the machines we run, grist mills of lust that we loathe and love and fuel. We are alternately ground to dust and the grinders. We are the electorate and the revolutionaries, between pestles we’ve made and mortars we love.

It is us who we meet on the mountain. It is us in the dark, like Smaug, with our treasure.

We will not be exorcized of our demons. Even if possible, we would not.

Our curses like our blessings are mixed.

There will be no death- only blood. No end to the world- only new ones.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

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