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April 14, 2008

2008 Presidential Debate: LaRouche v. La Bouche

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Pop Culture
1 Comment 

Moderator: Thank you for joining us this evening for the first Presidential debate between Lyndon LaRouche and La Bouche. Before we begin,….
La Bouche: Wanna be my lover wanna be my lover wanna be my lover
Moderator: Well, let’s begin. My first question goes to you, Lyndon LaRouche. If elected President, would you have diplomatic dialogue with the North Korea?
LaRouche: England’s fascism and the banking syndicates are set to destroy the world. Euclid and Anaxamander predicted this very situation, as the trade deficit of 1818-1820 squarely represents. There is no question of this. The only question is how long they will enslave us all without the aid of techno-neuro mind control.
Moderator: La Bouche, we have seen the dollar’s strength greatly diminish in recent….
La Bouche: If we could, we would like to touch on that same South Korea question.
Moderator: Alright.
La Bouche: Sweet dreams of rhythym and dancing.
Moderator: Would you like to elaborate?
La Bouche: Sweet dreams of passion through the night.
LaRouche: If I may. If I may, please interrupt….Look. The Anglo-Dutch Financier Tyranny as a hand-me-down of the ever ingenius Norman deniers and/or revilers of the immortal freedom of the spirit, best exemplified by the American legacy of FDR have never stopped and will never stop their quest for power. The British Empire, or should I say Brutish Empire, has sought through the means of media/mind control and hu/manipulation the absolute destruction of a free world. Harry S. Truman, a fascist, Bertrand Russell, a fascist, Stephen Hawkings, a fascist, Jimmy Buffett and Warren Buffett, both fascists, have subsequently further chained the naturally industrous and soaring spirit of the labor class.
Moderator: Moving on, La Bouche-this question is for you. What is the state of the war on terror? And, is victory possible?
La Bouche: In the night, in my dreams I’m in love with you.
Moderator: Would you like to elaborate?
La Bouche: ‘Cause you talk to me like lovers do.
LaRouche: I almost forgot! Mark Twain, Lionel Ritchie, Steve Martin, Ghengis Khan, Pol Pot, Tim Curry, Maya Angelou, Oprah, Desmond Tutu, Neville Chamberlain, Seal, Jaques Chirac, and Madonna are all fascists. Oh, and if you’re aged 18-26 and a one time History major drop-out who’s borderline homeless, I’m your candidate.
La Bouche: Wanna be my lover.
Moderator: (mutters to self) God, we need a third party…but then again, that’d be wasting my vote…

Ryan McGivern

 

April 12, 2008

How To: Meet New People

Posted by j.j. under Comedy
[2] Comments 

 

March 16, 2008

A Man’s Farm Is His Castle

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Food
No Comments 

Look: What goes on at my farm is none of your business.
If I want to call the two person tent in my yard a ‘barn’ its a barn.
If I begin digging a feces trench from my three seasons porch towards your yard, that sounds like a personal decision that really doesn’t involve you.
Where my sewage sluice will end up is for me to know and you to find out.
Seriously. I’m sick of your notes on my porch suggesting that you’ll “call the Humane Society, PETA, or the police” because my cow milking process replaces ‘cows’ with runaway dogs and ‘milking’ with blood letting.

Remember: Family owned farms are the backbone of America.
And my farm in particular will soon be building a silo filled with runaway dogs’ spines.

I don’t want to be a bad neighbor. I don’t. That’s why I built my moat so deep and my gun range berm so high.
So let’s just say that if you put in a good word for me at the “Concerned Neighbors Task Force Meeting” tomorrow, I’ll hook you up with fresh cow’s milk for a year. (wink wink)
Those winks don’t insinuate a bribe.

Ryan McGivern

KPHO in Phoenix AZ: http://www.kpho.com/news/15579448/detail.html

 

March 13, 2008

Man Sits on Toilet for 20 Minutes!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Comedy, Pop Culture
No Comments 

HOLLYWOOD, CA. - Deputies said an Irishman in Hollywood sat on his and his roommates’ toilet for twenty minutes, and they’re investigating whether he was mistreated.

Los Angeles County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said a man identified as Ben Watson called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his Irish roommate.

Whipple said it appeared that either the 30-year-old Irishman’s skin had grown around the seat, or else he was reading a Variety magazine and drinking a Pabst. Initially, the man, who authorities are calling “McGivern” refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and Mr. Watson that he either needed to be checked out at a hospital or ’shit or get off the pot’.

“He’s been in there for like, 20 minutes.” Said the man’s other roommate Derek Ellingson in a 911 call.“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with him into the livingroom.” Whipple said. “It appears that either his buttocks had grown around the seat the way a tree will grow around chicken wire, or he was kind of constipated and just reading a magazine and drinking beer on the toilet.”

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against “McGivern”.

“There aren’t really any tenet laws or protections for roommates in cases where one roommate will hog the bathroom for a long time. I think that the fact that he was reading a Variety and drinking beer led to him being in there for twenty minutes. Either he’s mentally retarded, or just kind of inconsiderate. I would hate a roommate like that, either way.” Whipple said.

“He was not glued. He was not tied. He was just sitting there. Well, and reading and drinking beer.” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”

Watson and Ellingson told investigators they brought their roommate food and water, and asked him every few minutes to come out of the bathroom.

“And his reply would be, ‘In a minute!,”’ Whipple said. “According to the roommates, he did not want to leave the bathroom.”

Police found the Irishman sitting on the toilet, his sweat pants down to his mid-thigh. He was “somewhat disoriented,” and his legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

“He said that he didn’t need any help, that he was OK and did not want to leave,” he said.

Authorities said they did not know if he was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the Irishman’s name, but said that he was “really Irish.” and his name was “something like McGivern”.

“I don’t think anybody can make any sense out of it,” he said.

“He always takes like twenty minutes in the bathroom.” Said Mr. Watson. “He never does his dishes either.”

 

Ryan McGivern

 

February 28, 2008

Remember that dildo I put in you?

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Love, Questions, Sex
No Comments 

Hey! Crazy running into you. Wow. You look great. Uh, by the way, I was wondering if I could get that dildo back from you. Yeah, the Prussian blue one. No, its not a big deal, its just that if you could get that back to me, that’d be great. No rush.

Yeah. It was Prussian blue. You know: the dildo I put inside you. Last week? I think it was Tuesday of last week. Yeah. I mean don’t bother yourself to, you know, like, look for it right now or anything. Its just if I could get it back that’d be real cool.

Do I know where it could be? No really I don’t. Uh, the last time I saw it, it was located inside you, but that was like Tuesday of last week, so…. Well, if you do find it, if you could maybe give me a call and I could come pick it up. That doesn’t work for you? You’d rather just mail it to me? Uh, that’s cool. Sure.

Gosh, this is really embarrassing to say this, but… just to let you know: I didn’t intentionally forget it so that I’d have another reason to see you again. No! Nothing of the sort. I know that trick, sure-the ol’ “I forgot my jacket at your place can I come get it sometime?” thing. Sure! It works great as a booty call justification. But that is NOT the case presently. No! I just need that dildo back. Sometime. Not a biggie. Anyway, uh, good to see you. I’ll uh, yeah. Uh, see you around! Okay. Bye.

Ryan McGivern

 

February 23, 2008

This Mafia is so preachy!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Ethics, Religion, Violence
No Comments 

You know, I love America because there’s freedom to believe in anything you want.  But this Mafia Family is so preachy that it’s beginning to piss me off!

This last week when I was beaten up by one of the Family captains, I was like:
“Okay, whatever.”
but then he starts launching into this whole tirade about:
“Never question the Godfather!”
Whoa! Don’t push your views on me, man.

If you want to believe that “bringing Top Hat Louie out to the desert” is a good idea, fine. That’s your opinion. Maybe I even agree with it. But, don’t make me feel like I have to believe it too. This is America man!

I can respect people for who they are. I’m open-minded. When Guido prays the rosary while shooting foot soldiers from the Triad gang, I’ve never raised an eyebrow.

But when Tommy threw me in the trunk of the car last night after shooting me in the knee cap and told me I’d “better pray to God” that he wouldn’t kill me, that crossed the line.

And I’ve just got to say, Godfather, even calling you Godfather is kinda weird. Can’t we just settle on a non-theistic term like ‘Master’ or ‘Boss’?  No disrespect, Godfather! No disrespect!

Anywho, I hope that you can get my drift. I’ll see you all tomorrow at Maria’s baptism.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

February 22, 2008

Invitation: Seattle Flash Makeout, February 24th

Posted by j.j. under Activities, Beauty, Comedy, Events, How to, Religion, Romance, Violence
No Comments 

The Seattle Flash Makeout will commence at exactly
4:20 p.m.
Sunday February 24th

a song will be played.
lots of people will smooch.
bring your own or share one of ours.

the song will end.
We’ll disperse as if…

In Fremont, WA
around the Lenin statue, that man needs some LOVE.
at the corner of 36th and Evanston in Fremont.

Sometimes we get drinks after…
sometimes we smooch some more.

Photographers welcome.

***PLEASE REPOST AS MANY PLACES AS YOU CAN***

PRE-MAKEOUT DRINKS AT NECTAR 2PM

Seattle Times Article
Seattle Flash Makout Tribe

 

February 20, 2008

Farewell Fidel (exclusive interview)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Comedy, Politics, Pop Culture
No Comments 

Getting the scoop on Fidel Castro’s retirment as King of Cuba, mindflowers.net’s top reporter Ryan McGivern got an exclusive interview with the hunky green jump suit clad sweetheart.

Ryan: Fidel. Thanks for sitting down with me. You’ve decided to step down as leading man of the romantic comedy known as Cuba. Why?
Fidel Castro: They forgot the roll and they only kept the rock. The roll’s the whole damn thing dude, the rock is nothing, deal with it, the roll is king. Unfortunately most cats don’t get behind the roll.

America has many misconceptions about Cuba. For instance, I’ve always thought it was pronounced “Q-Bah” apparently its more like “Coo-Bah”. What else should Americans know about your cute little country?
The one thing I’ll never do is the dope. I won’t do that again. Everything else is up for grabs. Why wouldn’t I do the dope again? Because I’ve been there and done that, and it’s fucking painful, man. The other schmucks are doing it all the time and I pity them.

In Godfather II, there’s a couple of scenes that take place in Cuba and it looks a lot like Florida, only with more revolutions. What’s your favorite vacation spot?
I mean I don’t think I’m cool, it’s other people that tell me I’m cool, I’m just being who I am. Just be yourself is all I can say, the rest of it’s a fucking joke. ‘Elegantly wasted’ blah-blah-blah, I’ve had all of that. If you’ve gotta be cool be cool with yourself. If you’ve gotta think about being cool, you ain’t cool.

Forgive me, but I have to ask this question. Communism. Is it really all that cool?
I wouldn’t want to do that again. It’s having your fucking skull cut open. It’s what I had to go through. Yes, I’ve been trepanned. That’s quite an interesting experience, especially for my brain surgeon,
who saw my thoughts flying around in my brain. I’ve got pictures of it mate, yeah. They cut my head, brain, skull open, went in and pulled out the crap, and put some of it back in again. But that’s the way it is, I mean, shit, Fidel Castro has got to do everything once.

Let’s talk about the Bay of Pigs. Tell us how it felt. I mean, in your heart of hearts how did it make you feel?
The other best bit is the morning after, when you wake up and realise you’ve had a great time. I mean drugs have got really nothing to do with life. Drugs are there if you want them, and it’s not a big fucking deal.

Bananas. High in potassium?
Everyone’s a load of crap. They’re all trying to be somebody else and they ain’t being themselves. The Libertines, Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party? Load of crap, load a crap. Posers, rubbish. There ain’t nothing out there that’s worth shit. I listen to the real shit, I don’t listen to bullshit. I listen to my shit, baby, Motörhead, reggae, Moroccan music. All kinds of shit.

How’s the weather been down there?
I was totally comatose, but I was totally awake,
I could listen to everyone, and they were like, ‘He’s dead, he’s dead!’ waving their fingers and pushing me about, and I was thinking, ‘I’m not dead!’. So that’s sort of the worst one. But I got out of that, I mean otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you. But yeah, bad shit is bad shit. The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared, he didn’t give a shit.
It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.

Hillary Clinton has gone on record that if she cannot win the democratic primaries that she would love a crack at becoming the Queen of Cuba. “The climate would be great for my skin, and I’ve got a great health care plan. It’s a match made in heaven…or should I say a match made in a Marxist utopia where the workers rule? We don’t need more speeches. We need solutions. Vote Hillary. In either America, or if not, in Cuba.”

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

February 18, 2008

Dating The Candidates

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Politics, Pop Culture, Romance
No Comments 

Some political websites purport to have all the news on the Presidential candidates. Ha! What a joke! Has www.bbc.co.uk ever told us what Mitt Romney’s pillow talk is like? Or what Mike Gravel secretly wishes for in the darkest watches of the night?

I’ve learned to not be impressed with the internet. Where other politcal bloggers are simply happy to ‘rate’ the candidates, I have gone through the trouble of dating the candidates.

1. My first date was with Mike Huckabee. Since he’s not really a contender, we simply made a lunch date where I figured we’d have a drink and maybe a walk around the LaBrea Tar Pits. Well, was I in for a treat! I was picked up at 4am by that Walker Texas Ranger guy in a 1994 Toyota Corolla and brought to a barn. There I was made to hay the stalls and wash the horses. Mike showed up around 6:00am and gave an exhortation to “remain steadfast in the Lord”. I said, “I’m thirsty, Mike!” and he said, “So was Jesus and you know what the Jews did? They gave Him gall to drink!” and I says back, “I think it was a Roman who gave him gall to drink, Mike.” and he stomps off screaming something about me being lazy. In closing, I give this date:
Two Relevant Thoughts out of Ten.

2. I next went out with Hillary Clinton. I had bought her flowers and chocolates and everything! I drove to pick her up and she let me in and threw the chocolates at Bill who was air boxing a cardboard cut out of Chris Matthews. I had said that we could see any movie of her choosing and she decided on “27 Dresses”. She cried the whole time. Seriously. It was embarrassing. Then we went out for some sushi and she had one too many sakis. “Ryan, sometimes I question my ability to lead.” “Why’s that Hil?” “I….I know how this will sound, Ryan. But…Its because I’m a woman. I’m afraid I’ll collapse under the pressure.” I looked her square in the eye and said, “That’s absolutely sexist and I’m ashamed of you. Haven’t you ever seen Tootsie? Or Private Benjamin?” She stood to her feet and with her arms raised triumphantly screamed, “I can do it! I can be President!” and then I said, “Well, actually, you can’t. You’ve pretty much lost the primaries. I’m sorry. Are you gonna finish your California Roll?” All said, I give Clinton: Five Retracted Statements Out Of Ten.

3. For my date with John McCain, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot. We were making out all night long! We made out at a bowling alley, a supermarket, my pot dealer’s house, all kinds of places! I like his “policies”! He put my hands to work, he was tough but fair, and he gave me tax credits for my medical care. McCain’s date earned him:
A Mitt Romney/Ryan McGivern endorsement!

4. My date with Barack Obama…What can I say? It was SOOOOO dreamy. He sent me a link to his inspirational Will.i.am video and asked me to go on “the most awesomest date ever in the history of dating.” I asked him what we would do on the date. “Anything and everything you want.” I was like: “OMG!” So we planned on going out this last Saturday and even though he stood me up, I was so inspired I sent him 500 bucks. Then, he re-scheduled for Sunday and stood me up again and I was like: “Hey, Barack. I waited for like 3 hours at the restaurant.” and he was like: “I’m not your ordinary date. I’m changing the way things are done.” and I sent him another 500 bucks. I still haven’t dated him, but I give Obama:
10 Inspiring Vague Promises Out Of 10.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

www.veracifier.com
www.mittromney.com
www.27dressesthemovie.com
www.tarpits.org

 

February 14, 2008

I’m Falling Out of Love With Me.

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Love, Psychology, Romance, Sex
No Comments 

heart-to-heart.jpgI’m falling out of love with myself. The ’spark’ has definitely faded. And I won’t hesitate to admit that it is correlated to my weight gain. Last night, I turned myself down for sex.
I said I was ‘kinda tired’ and just rolled over. Boy, this break up with really hurt my family. My mother had expected so much for me. I am in the process of making a time travelling DeLorien that I’ll crank up to 88 mph and go back to 1988 to warn my 10 year old self not to fall in love with me.

“No matter how luxurious the hair, or knowing the touch!” I’ll scream.
“And don’t be taken in by your GoldenEye playing prowess, either!”

My 10 year old self will react with incredulity, awe, and lust. Afterall, I was a lonely 10 year old and let’s face it: I’ve still got some pretty dangerous curves. This break up will be hard on myself. I know it. I’ve always taken rejection harshly. It’s not that I don’t love myself. I’m just not in love with myself.

Does that make sense?

Sigh. Maybe I’ll have sex with myself once more: just for old time’s sake.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

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