Life is cruel kids. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t look good doing it. I’m talkin’ ’bout style baby! Living large in a dizzing cacaphony of evolutionary forces can be daunting but with the right moves and really tight jeans you’ll not only be surviving, you’ll be thriving!
Share this information with your fellow gang-members and keep it from rival gangs for it will breed certain success in your living and maybe even your breeding. How do you know that this information is only for the most hard boiled badasses dead-set on not gettin’ dead? Its written. Who else still reads except for tough as nails end-of-the-world survivalists who want to be able to read the labels on the tin cans stored in their fallout shelter?
Get the most out of life and pass on your ultra strong genetics to the next generation as quick as possible! Preferably with that really hot new foreign exchange student.
Poisoning Hey kids! Like duh! Poison is totally gross unless its diluted just enough to give you a kickin’ buzz. Have you been poisoned? Oh oh. How do you know the difference between dying and seeing The Truth? If you’re asking that question, my guess is that you’ve had just the right amount of LSD.
Some poisonings are worse than others. Food poisoning from Taco Bell is one thing, but food poisoning from Taco Bell on a date can feel fatally embarrassing! Ogh! If you’re poisoned call the National Poison Hotline at 1 800 222 1222.
Being Home Alone Being at home without any parents around is the best thing that can happen to you as a teenager but it can also be very dangerous. Most teenaged fatalities occur when teens are left to their own devices and have ample time behind closed doors to masturbate unfettered by the bounds by society, common sense, human civility, or safety. When I was fifteen and my parents left me alone all weekend while attending a funeral in Iowa, I nearly eunuched myself.
Its important kids to remember to use the Safety Protocol of Rubbin’ One Out: Blisters are cause for pause.
Being Approached By A Stranger Remember when going home with a stranger to carefully note the streets and landmarks around the motel to which they’re bringing you. This will help you know the closest Chinese Take Out place to suggest.
Snake Bites Ouch!
Now you’re armed with the most dangerous weapon: knowledge.
And most of you are armed with the second most dangerous weapon: STDs. But we’ll cover that subject later.
Most teen marriages unfortunately breakdown long before the tedious years of failed college entrance exams and bouts of alcoholism and adultery. These teen marriages are not successful when teens fail to practice Christian Courtship.
By giving your heart and tingling sin parts to Jesus, you can assure yourself a teen marriage that will endure at least a full decade past legal voting age.
Selecting The Target of Your Awkward Christian ‘Sexuality’. Its getting hard in these End Times to know exactly who the Holy Spirit is telling you to love bomb.
It seems that for every Virgin Mary there’s four Mary Magdalenes, twelve Jezebels, eighteen Rahabs, and pinch of Lot’s Wifes. Mighty Men of God, don’t become dismayed! Even if your school has only harlots now, just get one of them saved and soon you’ll have a Born Again Woman with the benefit of having some foundational knowledge in the carnal arts. Women of God, wait submissively for the right Christian man to come into your life and begin a stilted relationship that strangely mirrors the relationship you have with your father. If the right man doesn’t come along, allow the best looking fellow in your High School to get you pregnant and then have your father and husky brothers convince him to get right with God and marry you.
The First Date Having found the target of your spiritual lust and sibling-like giggly affection, its time for the First Date.
This can be a nerve wracking experience, especially if only one of you is Pentecostal. A session of speaking in tongues followed by a period of silence rather than an ‘interpretation’ can make for uncomfortable hermeneutical tightroping through the book of Acts.
Regardless of whether your mom will be driving you two to a bowling alley, the library, the malt shoppe, an antiques store, or church, arrive on time and come bearing the traditional gifts of a first date: Gold, Frankencense, and Myrrh.
Dress appropriately! Men, this means wearing 1990′s wool sweaters and women, a long dress with a billowing Bob Jones University t-shirt. Remember: Frumpy is always in style. (The exception to this rule is if you are a teen from an ‘Emergent Church’ or from a ‘cool non-denominational community church’. In this case, anything that would have been cool 18 months ago will be your best bet.)
Sex and Other Mortal Sins When is it appropriate to Biblically ‘know’ your Christian boyfriend or girlfriend? When they are married to y0u.
To be more specific, the best time is usually a couple of hours after your wedding reception after you’ve retired to the Holiday Inn. (Remember to give the front desk your 5:00am wake up call time so you won’t miss your morning prayers)
Sex before marriage feels really really good and is made all the more sweet because it is lurid and rebellious. Nevertheless, it will get you sent to hell so practice with extreme caution! Say prayers before, during, and after.
Sex in your teen years is the only time you’ll be able to enjoy your body in its lithe and nubile prime and perform at your sexual peak so get married as soon as possible before you both become grossly warped by the cruel humor of Time and fall prey to the indignities of your early twenties.
Remember what all the kids at the Christian Private School tell you: Blow jobs are not sex.
Teens, stop wasting your time. When are you going to settle down and find yourself a nice Christian spouse and start a family? Don’t you know that Jesus could come back at any minute?
Many teens are presently playing Guitar Hero and wondering: Am I depressed?
The question is always made more difficult for teens to ask and answer because teens have just so many reasons to be depressed.
First of all, they’re growing up in a global economic depression and everywhere they look birds and manatees are stuck together by BP oil.
Secondly, have you seen the skin on a teenager? If you awoke each morning to a new leper mask that looked like a Jackson Pollacked sebum crime scene, you’d have the case of the blues too.
Diagnosing Depression Yes, you may be depressed. But you also just might be Kristen Stewart or watching a movie with Kristen Stewart in it. Malaise can occur under many circumstances. If you’re depressed, you may experience a clarity about how much life sucks and how phony adults are. Other signs include ‘getting it’, ‘preferring smoking pot over drinking shitty beer like all the other jock douches at school’, and ‘not playing into The Man’s lies anymore’.
Making The Most of Your Depression When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And when life gives you depression, take Prozac.
Some teens think that having depression means they won’t be able to have fun anymore, but there’s been a major shift in consciousness in recent years about how to make having depression work for you–rather than you working for it.
Taking days off from school to ‘get your head right’ will grant you endless unsupervised hours to play video games and masturbate with abandon.
Eating carbohydrates will pad you from the world and shield you with the warm hug of fatty tissue, perhaps the last hug you’ll ever have.
Remember teens, depression is just another lousy part of this wretched joke we call life. So enjoy it while you can.
Teen depression is a cake walk compared to adult depression, believe me.
Fox News ran a scientific poll* of true Americans asking what should be done about our nation’s war with foreign forces invading its precious and divinely unique soil**.
The answer came back unflinchingly:
88% said: “Yes – A portion of America has been surrendered to foreign forces, clear and simple. Send in REAL troops to secure the border, then work on reform.” http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2010/06/18/decide-troops-arizona-border-mexican-drug-gangs-congress/?test=latestnews
It is clear and simple that our beloved and innocent Land of Freedom has fallen to insidious forces whose origins and agendas we can only begin to guess. Whether you choose to call them Illegals or Satan’s Minions, you can rest assured that they have made America surrender a portion of her sweet Lady of Liberty Parts***.
Their Secret Army is everywhere and cleverly disguised. Take Sargeant Moreno of the Fresno Police Department for example.
“My parents immigrated to Texas in 1961 and worked near El Paso where I was born. And I got a job working with the police force in Los Angeles and moved to Fresno in 2002.”
What this so-called police officer fails to mention is that his parents are undocumented. Another portion of America sullied and lost to the Enemy.
Or take Dolores Jiminez of Wichita Kansas, 57 year old grandmother of two: Enemy.
Their forces are all around us: working with us, living next door, drinking beer with you, loaning you their ladders and helping you clean your gutters. They are earning your trust–but why? To befriend you and make you feel like a complete and total asshole for once hating them.
I wish I could say there was an easy solution, but in fact there is a complex two-part solution.
1) A Huge Wall. Get the plans from Berlin or Palestine or the Maginot Line and begin a wall to rival that of The Great Wall of China. Think of the possibilities! Even if it doesn’t work, thousands of years from now, people can come look at it and think of the brutish fear and failed strategies that fueled it.
2) Launch a Full Scale Deployment of the Army, Navy, Marines, and Air Force to the Nation’s ‘Other War’. Its time to stop fooling around and get to brass tacks. I say we draft up some teens, arm ‘em with drones and Cobra helicopters and wait for the dust to settle in say 10 or 15 years.
Of course, maybe I’m over-reacting. But if I’m to believe Fox News, 88% of True American Patriots are with me on this. Let’s do it America. Let’s be great again. You know, like when we interned Japanese.
*the poll is not scientific
**God bless America
***Those were reserved for Jesus
There is only one sound in the world that could crumble the mighty walls of Jericho: the humble vuvuzela.
And yes, the Little Trumpet That Could is the musical equivalent of Rocky: small and unassuming but full o’ heart.
But if I might just interrupt you briefly from your 180 decibel bleating…
Could you please take a moment to allow me to enjoy the resonating echo of my inner-ear dying?
I know: you’re excited. You’re ‘in the spirit of things’. I get it.
But seeing as this is our first sexual encounter, I may remind you that first impressions are lasting impressions.
I hope that the look on my face is interpreted as pain–but not the ‘good’ kind of pain that I usually would enjoy from this current sex act.
When you didn’t respond to my flicking on and off my Lava Lamp in a Morse Code saying: “You Rotten Bastard (stop) I’ll Never Hear The Sound Of My Future Grandchildrens’ Voices (stop).”
So I moved to address you with other senses–I tapped on the mat declaring surrender, I vomited down the end of your vuvuzela, and finally I released a musky spray from a gland I didn’t know I had.
Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.
But I will say that I feel my cymbal playing skills have been a little upstaged.
I am a proud American and I’ve got to say what’s on my mind!
There is an insidious ‘deal with the Devil’ that is being posed right now.
You see the issue is this: Marijuana.
I just smoked a bowl of it and now I’m confronted…confronted! my brothers and sisters with a horrifying
possibility. If I eat that Swedish Fish that’s lying there on the coffee table I will begin to travel a slippery slope that could well end up with me eating 37 Swedish Fish.
Can you imagine how red my teeth will be?
It always seems okay at first. Then, either the next step or a resultant 20,000th step will bring you calamity!
You see it don’t matter about proximity of time or if it ‘logically follows’ or if other choices are offered you. You make one choice and BAM you will be setting into motion the gearworks of hell!
For instance. I just ate the entire bag of Swedish Fish. My sugar levels are dangerously high (high!) right now and what I’m now set to do is this: walk to the store to buy a Pepsi.
Yes, a wise person once said “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” but another even more wise person said: “one step will lead you on a slippery slope taking you on a grueling Stephen King “The Long Walk” type of death march around and around the world until your feet explode and/or you walk a rut to the center of the Earth.”
Who knows where one step can lead you?
The machinations of cruel Fate have obviously beset me because I’m now walking to the store.
God of Our Founding Fathers, save me!
I have set a precedent!
Just like when this country legalized alcohol again after the Prohibition, I have hitched my wagon to a train whose destination is Ruination Airport! I have shot a Hail Mary pass to Sammy Sosa and the football is my soul!
O demon Marijuana, I should never have….wait…what was I talking about? God, I’m thirsty. I should get some Pepsi.
Oh! The store’s right here, man. Sweet.
There’s been a lot of internet chatter about Justin Bieber (pop sensation, well groomed teen) having Syphilis.
Is it true?
Well, let’s look at the facts:
1) Justin Bieber is real.
2) Syphilis is real.
3) “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” –Hamlet
You make the call.
Regardless if Bieber’s got Bieber Fever or not, its a great thing that he’s been labelled Tinsel Town’s latest Chancre Sam.
Check it out:
If Bieber’s got a sore spot for the Sore Spots, that means that Syphilis will become even more popular with the kids and it will become a hot new fad for this Fall’s Back to School Sales. Target can run ads like: “Seeing Spots?” with their ‘target’ logo. Its a marketing no-brainer!
If Bieber does not have Syphilis (which may be the case–let’s not jump to conclusions) he will be spotlighting a new trend that’s sure to take off with the kids and will become a new fad for this Fall’s Back to School Sales. Old Navy can run ads like: “Having Fun is Contagious!” Its a marketing no-brainer.
Now some of you, Bieber included, might be asking: How did I catch Syphilis? That’s a great albeit moot question.
Syphilis can be caught through vaginal and anal sex–but remember! you don’t have to do both to catch it. Even just one of those can do the trick. Oral, even though its not sex, can still pass on Syphilis. So you know what that means: free season on handjobs everybody!
I remember my friend in Junior High coming to me and saying that he thought he’d caught Syphilis and I was like: “Ugh! Why am I always the last one?” and he was like: “Yeah I caught it from a toilet seat.” and I was like: “No way. I saw a Roseanne episode that said you can’t get it from toilet seats.” So because of my stupid advice Tim Purlic didn’t get it checked out. And later he died of Syphilis. It was all my fault. What I should have said was: “You’d have to have sex with a freshly ‘had sex with’ toilet seat to get Syphilis.” I still feel guilty.
A Who’s Who in Syphilis:
Napolean Bonaparte: This pint sized hottie had a gallon of Syphilis and a side of ‘ooooh la la’ to last for days. When he wasn’t galliantly riding his ever-rearing horse, he was guzzlin’ down 40 oz.s of arsenic to smooth out his Syphilis rages. (Yes, Syphilis gives you rages kids! Not just kinda like taking steroids–exactly like that. Think about that as you ready for the next season of football.)
Al Capone: Dude. Need we say more? That’s how gangsta this disease is. The whole movie The Untouchables is a thinly veiled metaphor for how powerful and strong one becomes on ‘the Syph’. (Yes, Syphilis gives you strength and power kids! Not just kinda like taking steroids–exactly like that.)
Bottom Line:
I’ve always enjoyed Justin Bieber’s music. And nothing will ever change that. Except for the appearance of another teen sensation that will make me first hate and then forget about Justin Bieber.
1. EMPATHY
Empathy is so very important to begin pounding into your infant even before they are born. Empathy, though often misunderstood, is really not too complicated and may be learned by just about anyone. Empathy is the characteristic of being an empath, or one who can read another person’s mind. Fetal empathic training is a practice invented and refined by a reclusive spiritual leader whose name, location, and time in history have otherwise been lost. Stare at the pregnant woman’s belly and speak directly to the belly button (louder if an outie): “I’m thinking of my favorite Led Zeppelin album.” If the child’s first word is “Coda”, they are not an empath.
2. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Your child is going to grow up in a world of ever increasing violence and warfare. Until your toddler can effectively fend for itself on the mean-streets, it’s going to have to know some sweet talkin’ diplomacy. There are a number of ways to resolve conflict before your tiny forearms are capable of performing a choke hold including empty threats, childish taunts, howls, laughter (this will throw your child’s opponent off, making them believe that either your child is insane or knows something they don’t. Either way, they’ll back off), or spitting into the eyes or mouth. A human mouth has more harmful bacteria than even the anus, and for toddlers this is doubly true. If your child is an empath, its a good idea to train them to send a psychic blast at their enemy a la Professor Xavier but emphasize a firm foundation in spitting.
3) OPENNESS
Your children will lie to you no matter what. However, the more that you can convince them that you don’t really care about what they do and that you won’t enforce any consequences if they do something horrible will encourage them to be open with you. “You can tell me anything. Think of me as your friend.” Will assure you many sordid tales of how they ’totally did a threesome’.
4) SELF-ESTEEM
Your child will most likely be an abysmal failure at life and a huge schmuck like 95% of everybody else. But that doesn’t mean that they should believe that. American parents have a great track record of over-inflating their children’s sense of awesomeness and humble Peruvians should take note. Drill your child into believing that they “can do anything they set their mind to” and that they should “reach for the stars” and other such drivel. Choose a quiet moment during ‘bedtime tuck in’ when they are about five or six years old and get real serious and whisper to them: “You are not like the other kids. You’re special. You’re the Chosen One and someday your army will trod the nations under its feet. I fear you and worship you, Master.”
5) RESPONSIBILITY
Teach your child how to immerse themselves into a bureaucracy so that responsibility can safely be dissolved across a corporation or secretive cult so as to absolve them from any misdoing.
6) EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Just because a person is hearing you, it doesn’t mean that they’re listening to you and just because somebody is listening to you doesn’t mean that they agree with you. Unfortunately many young people today are missing out on proper training in logic, rhetoric, debate, and insulting freestyle rap battles. (for more on rap battling tactics refer here: http://mindflowers.net/2008/01/12/how-to-duel-freestyle-rap-battle/) The old adage of “a child should be seen and not heard” is actually the opposite of how you should be training your child. A heard and not seen child will be able to strike fear and dread into hearts like Batman, The Shadow, and other ominous voiced crime fighters. An effectively communicating child will begin to stand out from their mealy mouthed peers through a technique I call: “Bragging”. Instill into your child the habit of making every statement drip with braggadocio. Consider these examples: “Mommy I wet the bed.” versus “I DESTROYED my mattress with like a gallon of piss up in this mix, yo!” and “I like horses” versus “If you’re horny, let’s do it. Ride it, my pony. My saddle’s waiting. Come and jump on it!”
7) CITIZENSHIP
The fate of the nation is unfortunately in your child’s hands. A great way for your child to learn about citizenship is to watch the greats and follow their example.
8) FAIRNESS
Tattoo into your child’s heart the truth that “all is fair in love and war” and also tattoo it into their skin. Berate into their tiny minds that in a street fight, all is fairgame and that includes biting. The scales of justice will balance once your child gets their pound of flesh. Give them a butcher knife and remind them of the indignities they have withstood. Remind them that performance enhancing drugs are only unfair if the league finds out they’re taking them and to do that, they’d have to take a urine sample. Catheterize your child regularly and fill their bladders with ‘clean’ urine to assure they remain eligible for high school football.
It is time to take California back from the corporate-elite and put it into the hands of a corporate-elite turn quasi politician!
Hello, its me Meg Whitman.
I want to speak to you today about getting California Green. And by that I mean getting California Republicans to allow me to buy their votes.
If ‘grassroots’ campaigning means ‘throw money all over the ground and let the stupid masses swarm to it like pigslop’ then yes, I’m running a grassroots campaign.
I’ve stirred the hearts of the GOP party! At first anyway.
What more do you want from me? 68 Million dollars spent in campaigning not enough?
You want substance? Experience? Coherence? Leadership?
Your current Governor has leadership experience saving John Conner from a liquid metal machine from the future!
Steve Poizner says I’m not ‘strong enough on undocumented residents’. I’m proposing to build a wall like mother fucking Berlin across our entire border! Amnesty? Hate the word. Sanctuary? Get outta here.
What more do you want? A hunting season?
Well, if rabid fear mongering and xenophobia are what you want–I’ll give it to you! In beautifully shot advertisements that will play ceaselessly even after I’m elected governor.
Sheesh. How can Mountain Dew effectively market a bright yellow green, semi opaque, kidney destroying and organ-fat enveloping syrup with as little as Pepsi’s 1.2 Billion brand overhaul and I can hardly shill out my vapid rightwing rhetoric at 68 Million?
I guess I’ll never understand how to buy an election primary.
Hey kids! Get fired up for the slopes and rev up to rock solid some peak icey nice!
Powder keggin’ some sweet cherry mountains in the kewlest xtreem sport is fun! It is awesome! It is truly a prime way to catch the best high! But check it–there’s A LOT to learn so strap in and stoke up for sum hott schoolin’ on the only reason to live: Snowboarding!
You want to fly? Come check the friendly skies! Go big or go home. Ice down your breakouts cuz windburn is tuff. Apply hot compress pads on backne to really cool down the afterburnerz! You’ll be flyin’ in no time.
Feeling the brutal power of the raw adrenaline that adults usually try to supress is regal! Unleash the hidden shadows and fodder of your cramped up true self and tear out some tendons by the ski lodge! You’ll be triumphant when you get to tell your pediatrician your ribs are soft and detached. Dare to be different!
Now you’ve got it. Snowboarding the best sport. It is the absolute best.
Your friends in middle school are gonna puke and drool with envy and be like: Naw!
And you’ll be like: I destroyed!
Snowboarding is only for the best.
Do it your way. Your way is xtreemly the best and no one can stop you now. The snow is the core of who you are and everything else has melted away to leave you a fiery daemon of black diamond expert slopes. Take a few beginner lessons from a certified trainer at your local bunny hill. And always wear a helmet kids.
Ride thru the woods! Shred up the backcountry and make paper (that’s what big kids call knockin’ down stupid trees)! You rule here. No one can tell you that school is important in the chest deep pow of freeridin’ forests. No one can judge you in this anything goes mayhem of destruction! Have your parents buy you a cell phone to take wicked pics of yourself munchin’ some sweet lumber in snowboarding no-man’s land of spinal injury! Your mind will EXPLODE. Take a hit on the awesome stick.
Kiss the crowds bye-bye and wave ‘C Ya Suckas!’ as you go rockstar in the lodge’s restaurant or warming shed. Blaze new trails through the candy machine line and be like “Tic tock!” as you clock in some toasty hot chocolate.
Tell your parents, step-parents, guardians, or church youth group leader that they’re weak but you’re tweaked! Ride an avalanche! Boom goes the dynamite as you launch into an epic rail slide down an apocalyptic avalanche of plastic ice, rock, debris, and bodies. Zen out and nollie.
Kids can have fun too. This is a kids world! Kids rule, grownups drool.
You are on course to glory. Your manna is INCREASED. Get your power up by accessing some Mountain Dew from your parents SUV that they were keepin’ for after and rip through 24 ounces of electricity b4 hitting the arcade!
Race 4 the finish, y’all! Race for victory. Never stop now. Go faster than you thought possible by ampin’ up on two Butterfingers. Keep a great diet because champions never quit. Knock back three yogurt cups and some trail mix before bed every nite to keep ripped up and shredded hard. Punch at your bedroom wall when you’re grounded and keep lookin’ at totally xtreem snowboarding websites like this one! Watch TV all nite!
Gravity is a big no-no. Amplify your life with altitude! Jibbin’ some kewl moves and shwankin a Doot Blast to some insane air is sure to catch the eyes of some sweet snow hotty bodies! Wait to have sex until college kids! And yes, community college counts kids! Expand your horizons on the slopes and with your head in the books y’all. School is cool and so is having sex at college kids! Extend your legs and lean into it kids!
You are the RoboSnoVillain who’s nursing a broken collar bone! With a rude ‘tude, you’ll be grubbin’ on this factoid:
Snowboarding is the best. TXT message “SUATB” to your homies as you forget everything and bliss out on some sun glared ice patches and some chewing tobacco. Smoking is for grownups and totally gross. Smoking is not allowed in the snow park. Stuff in some chew your brother gave you and call people from the slopes as you rest and get your head right from the nicotine nausea. Its sick wicked! Havok up some of your gums to the max and remember to pick your teeth b4 you talk to your buzzkill parents! Rip it with style and look kewl.
Demand your parents buy you a season pass. Its what all your friends’ parents are doing! Why do they have to be such a bunch of douches? You’ve got the smooth moves and you know what to do. FEAR leads to DOUBT. Questioning yourself is failure! Don’t bonk on this. Tantrum and bust a gut and alternate between listening to emo and slash core/hiphop fusion! Never look back. Dazzle everyone. You are the star. Backflip 540 into a hernia.
Okay, time to take it up a notch. Declare nuclear war on skiers! You’ve got a lot of nerve. Your mocking is like a game and you’re going for the GOLD. There is no end to the possibilities! Have your parents pack you a school lunch and challenge your classmates to competitive eating! Spark your growth spurt and eat as fast as you can kids! You outrun the wind. You own the 6th grade. Never bully. Bullying is for losers. A quiet confidence and aire of superiority and implied threats go ALL THE WAY. Who’s in charge? You. Lock your door and never let your sister find your journal. Its private! Your feelings of inadequacy are none of her business! She’d totally think you’re a noob if she found out you cry everynight thinking about how much you miss having friends!
Get a sponsor. Board for Nike or Pepsi. Call them up and tell them your name. Spell your name. Enunciation is KEY.
Let them know: “I am in confirmation class at St. Gregory’s Greek Orthodox Church and I’m big for my age!”
Tell them they need you like the birds need the sky. Because that sounds awesome! You’re getting some big air! Stay on top of your game! Shower regularly kids and brush and floss your teeth. Look at yourself in the mirror and try not to crumble under the pressure. Get yourself together. C’mon, dude. It’ll be alright.
