Start a zine
Raise a cocker spaniel
Trip on smoked banana peels
Pour boiling hot herbal tea into a garden plot and wait for a gazebo to grow
Ignite a sunset
Propose to a garden gnome
Visit the elderly and make them my unwitting models for my “Waiting to Expire” website
Knit a child a sweater made from human hair
Dine among kittens
Take one deep breathe and fourteen little ones then drink three gluten free beers
Join a pottery class only to drop it because “glazing is so passe and its required!”
Recycle jokes I heard from Carlos Mencia as karma
Bury secrets in my closet
Amputate
Pull someone’s finger whether they want me to or not
Listen to the Beatles Rubber Soul album four times in a row in the dark
Watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the sound off with “Dark Side of The Moon” playing
Howl at a sunrise
Light a fire, run away
Put books I don’t want in a bookstore
Sing to the mailperson through the mailslot
Stand in the shower
Write the first sentence of a novel
Dance like people are watching when no one is
Eat ice cream soup
Nap until morning
Raise a family of ducks, cause a divorce and some delinquency
Fly a kite in a lightning storm with the string attached to an electric eel as justice
Fly paper airplanes into airport bathroom stalls
Go to the zoo and ask mournfully: “Who’s really in the cage? Really?”
Daydream, night terror, nocturnally emit, daywalk, moonwalk
Sit in a bathtub
Go window shopping for windows
Swim in a stranger’s eyes
Crank call a relative
Eat popcorn without butter to prove it can be done
Found a museum
Watch a little league game and talk loudly about how commercialized the sport is
Pick a peck of pickled peppers
Plant a tree, chop it down, call it a day
Write a letter to Santa, address it to myself, read it when it arrives and get busy making dolls
BBQ!
Watch “Scooby Doo” and really you know, like ‘feel it,’ man
Watch “Swingblade” as romance
Make a pizza and deliver it to a stranger’s house
Eat mac n’ cheese off a frisbee
Buy a parrot and teach it to say “I love you”–and really mean it this time
Play croquet with a flamingo
Play golf with a mango
Play possum at the library
Baby sit a chair
Prospect for gold in my friend’s house
Study my hand for an hour and think about Carl Sagan
Practice flesh origami
Play guitar with a pool cue
Look up ways to lance boils on the internet
Tell a librarian to lower their voice
Ruin a joke
Tape a note to a public bathroom’s toilet reading: “Carpe Diem”
Listen to punk for once in my life, goddammit
Solve the riddle of the Sphinx
Read the Bible backwards
Wash the ground around a parked car
Whistle a merry little tune
Make a scrapbook of my toenail clippings
Paint furniture!
Draw an insensitive cartoon, release it, then retract it with a poorly worded apology
Put a bandaid under my left eye
Go to a church and raise my hand to ask questions during the sermon
Offer a cemetery to volunteer as a Zombie Lookout
Eavesdrop on others
Ride the bus all day, nap off and on
Watch Judge Judy and learn a thing or two about real life, man
Befriend a fish
Bowl for fish
Fish for compliments
Gamble on a game of “Risk”
Collect comics that feature Wolverine because “I can identify with him.”
Cake!
Trace the outline of my face and features in the mirror, enter parallel universe
Sew some drapes, y’all!
Lift 12oz. weights
Donate blood
Play volleyball in jeans, then motorcycle away and make love in silhouette
Exorcise
Watch “Space Jam” in slow motion
Write the Wall Street Journal an Op-Ed piece about my opinions, feelings, fears
Deep fat fryer!
Hangout at the grocery store and supermarket shuffle with people in a hurry
Watch a cat give birth while smoking a clove cigarette and making critiques
Listen to AM radio
Eat the watermelon seeds at a watermelon seed spitting contest
Ghost ride the whip
Smile!
Make lists
Diarrhea
October 26, 2011
101 Things To Do When You’ve Had Too Much Coffee
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Bipolars!, Diarrhea, Drugs, Ideas, Self Improvement[12] Comments
October 5, 2010
Video: Thinking “Green” At The Office
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Diarrhea, Drugs, VideosLeave a Comment
December 28, 2009
Domino’s Reacharound: Changing The Pizza Face
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Diarrhea, Food, Pop Culture, Recipe[4] Comments
We’ve been busy at our headquarters in Ann Arbor Michigan dreaming up a pizza that will change the way you think of Domino’s forever. You think you know Domino’s Pizza?
You don’t have a clue.
We’re doing for pizza what Agent Orange did for defoliation. We’re breaking all the rules: not wearing hairnets, sneezing directly into our mixing bowls, and taking a break from the eight foot bong which lives in the corner of our “brain storming room/bathroom”.
We realized we’d grown soft and lazy in our role of “biggest eyesore on strip mall blight aside from Starbucks” and “home of the stinkiest air exchange fan aside from Panda Express”.
It was time for a change. A new sensation. Like when you had to convince your girlfriend of 5 years it was time for ‘backdoor’.
Well we changed. And to make a cool reference, we were like that guy from that soccer movie and we “showed you the money!” We’re fresh and hip and we understand our 14-34 year old stoned male demographic. We know that you do stuff involving video games or whatever it is you’re always doing in the basement and we know that you sell your parents lawn tools on craigslist for weed money and Domino’s.
We normally perform surveys and taste-tests. That’s nothing new. But recently we threw out the rule book and did something different: We asked sober people to tell us what they thought of our pizza. When we got responses ranging from projectile vomiting, screams of anger and confusion, and babies born with developmental delays, we came to the conclusion that maybe our lawyers, honest friends, and sober family members were right: our pizza was barely within raccoon diet range.
We hit the ground running and hit our chief recipe director Sheila Simonsen in the face with a pestle. We told her that a woman named Adria told us to go fuck ourselves through a mouthful of blood, vomit, and pizza. We told her it was time to get our game back. Sheila met the challenge and pestle wound with gusto. “Mama’s got a brand new bag!” she said and produced a fatty sack of gooey Humboldt shrubs.
Listen to what we did!
We got new processed cheese substitute that has four new chemical additives that not only reduce your diarrhea levels, they make your stool smell like a gangrenous gallbladder because our new pizza recipe causes gallbladder gangrene.
We replaced our old meat substance with a wheat and corn enhanced ‘meat’ that uses only the finest slaughterhouse scraps from only the most tortured and depressed cattle.
Our other ingredients include: movie popcorn butter, teenaged shoulder grease, lip gloss, salt, sodium, dehydrated sea water, and the expulsions of a cadaver’s clogged arteries.
Our patented recipe will make you want to go to sleep and never wake up.
You know what we did next? We drove to Adria’s house. You remember Adria, that woman who cursed the day we were born and then succumbed to madcow and E. Coli? Well we paid her a visit at her house. Unannounced.
But you’ll have to wait to find out what she did when she opened her door in her pajamas to see we’d tracked her down like a wounded antelope!
February 27, 2009
I Pooped On My Cat (Katy Perry remix)
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Animals, Comedy, Diarrhea[16] Comments
This was never the way I planned
I blame my digestion
I got so drunk, beer in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
But the flood came so strong
I’m so sorry for you
Caught my expulsion
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I admit that it was diarrheic
I pooped on my cat by accident
at least it didn’t get on the carpet
It came so strong
My ass clenched tight
I guess I drank too much tonight
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I fought it
‘Gnome’ is your cute kitty name
It doesn’t matter,
You’re the target of my shame
Just human nature,
You’re not where,
I should poo
ASPCA calls it abuse
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
When I’m drunk my colon gets spastic
I dunged my cat in accident
I hope my roommate don’t mind it
It felt so strong
My ass clenched tight
Gnome’ll haveta sleep outside tonight
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I fought it
My cat you are so tragical
White fur, pink nose, so kissable
Hope you resist what’s communicable
Too much to deny it
It’s a big deal, its horrid scent
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I admit there was also some piss
I dunged my cat by accident
I hope Gnome don’t get hepatitis
It felt so strong
My rectal fight
Gnome’ll haveta sleep outside tonight
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I fought it
Katy Perry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAp9BKosZXs
The Good Asian Drivers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AL5low-TqV8
Snake Puking a Hippo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dd7S6fRv224
Cat Stevens
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGNxKnLmOH4
Emerson Lake and Palmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y1x04hAUT4
December 27, 2008
Retha, a volunteer at work, told me she saw this:
Dude, I kick your ass at self-awareness.
December 7, 2008
Why I am so happy to be in the pre-ovulation stage of my menstrual cycle:
Posted by loliz under Diarrhea, Love, Sex, Violence[5] Comments
Well, it’s because, probably right now, my roommate, who I am falling is love with, is probably fucking his abusive ex, who makes him in return abusive.
I was fucking him two and then 5 nights ago. He is great in bed. I am also falling in love with him. Damn all those bipolar Aries.
And guess what.? Because I am in the pre-ovulation stage of my menstrual cycle, I really just don’t care. I want her dead and I maybe want to be with him and they are fucking in a close-by room. But, well, I finally don’t care! Rock On!
(true true true – you should’ve been there! with me being and feeling all detached and uninterested.)
I am really not looking for a long term relationship for this two week period of time, ya know.?
January 15, 2008
Peanut M&Ms: The Gift of Enablement
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Diarrhea, Food, Love, Merchandise, PsychologyLeave a Comment
I love Peanut M&Ms. Without batting an eye I’d sacrifice my only son Isaac if Peanut M&Ms asked me to. Because I love them. Why do I love them? Three reasons: the bright colors that remind me of Sherwin Williams paints, the thin skull-like candy shell that protects the peanut-brain of deliciousness, and the overeating enabling “Tear and Share” jumbo bag.
How many people who have bought a “Tear and Share” sized bag have ever shared them?
None. I defy you to give me one example of someone who has ever walked up to you and said, “Look, this bag of ambrosia like candy is too big for me to eat by myself. Will you please share it with me?” I defy you!
But, the packaging works on me. When I buy the huge “Tear and Share” Peanut M&M bag and lay it on the counter, I make sure to point to the labelling on it for the cashier and I make a “Don’t judge me. I’m not some fatass who’s gonna eat all this. I’m gonna share it with someone!” face and feel self righteous. Then, I hide in a dark room and devour the bag in the course of 4 minutes.
Thank you Peanut M&Ms for making it just a little easier to hide the fact that I’m a candy guzzling, sweet toothed maniac with a gorging problem!
Ryan McGivern
November 30, 2007
Prisoners of the World: Your Blog is Here
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Diarrhea, Justice, Pop Culture, Prison[4] Comments
I wanna get in good with folks who are incarcerated. Prison, lock up, home arrest, drunk tank, juvie, loveless marriages, I want to befriend them all.
Why? Well, with recidivism rates so high, I want to assure that the next time that I get held up by someone on their ‘second strike’ that they’ll know me from the Blogosphere.
“Gimme your milk!”
“It’s old and sour, you really wouldn’t….”
“Listen, you Irish rat bastard. Gimme the milk.”
“…..I’m Ryan McGivern!”
“The guy who donates his sperm and blogs about it?”
“That’s right, baby.”
“OMG! I tattooed ‘Mindflowers’ on my cellmates face!”
“Small world, amigo. Small world.”
I’ve never been to prison, but I’ve driven by one. You know those signs that say
“Correctional Facility. Do not pick up hitchikers!”
Well, they’re there for good reason. Turns out not everybody in a bloodstained guard’s uniform that’s too small for them is a fast growing guard with a nose bleed who’s fogotten where they parked.
So this being the first outreach to my peeps in the clink, I will write about what every inmate and lonely, poverty stricken, barely employed Irishman loves: Solitaire.
It is the “Game of Gangly Kings”, it is “The Dregs of America’s Pastime”, it is simply put: One Level Up From Watching Your Skin Age.
I borrowed my roommate Ben’s iPod the other day to play Solitaire in the bathroom and I’ve got a message for you Steve Jobs: Don’t Quit Your Day Job.
I finally, after 13 attempts and 45 minutes on the toilet, won the game. I’ve never seen such crappy cards in Solitaire before. It’s like the tightest slots in Vegas! (Which can be found at the Golden Nugget. The waitresses, not the slotmachines, that is.)
Anywho, I finally won the gosh darned thing and the most pitiful and ironic message comes up on the iPod screen:
“We’ve got a winner!”
Well, if you can call a guy who’s been drinking PBR and playing iPod Solitaire on the toilet for 45 minutes a “winner”, this is a world I don’t want to live in.
But then again, I’ve felt that way since Cavemen was cancelled.
Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon
www.goldennugget.com
www.apple.com/itunes
www.abc.com/Player
November 12, 2007
People keep telling me: “I wouldn’t eat that. That’s Franken-food.” I had originally thought that meant Jewish food.
And while it turns out that ‘Franken-food’ is a brand of Matzoh ball soup distributed out of Akron Ohio, (its really good and is available in low sodium too) it also means food that’s been genetically modified.
“That’s got chemicals in it!” I heard someone say to me in a screaming motherly voice (it was my mother screaming at me) while I was in line at Popeye’s buying a tub of chicken things.
“Well,” says I, “Chemicals were the primordial soup that gave birth to life on Earth. If they’re good enough to spontaneously create life in a warm ocean, they’re good enough for me to pound into my wide, gaping, love-starved, snack hole.”
By the way: Do you think comparing my lunch to Frankenstein’s Monster will keep me away? Have you ever seen the movie Frankenstein? That undead Monster is frickin’ awesome! He’s a tall, darkly handsome, charismatic, and memorable figure.
He’s like Barack Obama, for Chrissakes!
(For the record, I’m voting for Hilary because I’m chivalrous.)
I think that Frankenstein’s Monster has got a bad rap.
He can’t help it that he dislikes fire.
I dislike fire. Are you gonna hate me for that? Not only do I hate fire, I hate it when campfire smoke makes my hair stink for days after my camping trip. Are you gonna chase me into a windmill with pitchforks because of it? You probably would. Fascist.
I remember when they cloned Dolly the sheep and everybody was all up in arms about it. And then when I broke into the lab and bestiality-ed Dolly to death everybody got all up on their high horses. You just can’t have your cake and eat it too, world!
I’m no genius, and I don’t know much about genetics, but I do know that mine gave me a predisposition for gambling and warts. So all you ‘organic and natural’ hippies can help yourselves to your ‘mulch pile grown celery’ and your ‘MSG free tofu beef jerky’ all you want. Just leave me and my glowing, throbbing third arm alone.
Ryan McGivern
