Fiction


The Religionist
By: Aletheia Sansrespite

“Talk [Abraham] cannot, he speaks no human language.
Though he himself understood all the tongues of the world,
though the loved ones understood them too-he still could not talk-
he speaks a divine tongue-he ‘speaks with tongues’.”
-Johannes de silencio

I am waiting for a thunderstorm. I haven’t left my apartment for close to three weeks, or however long it takes to deplete one’s food pantry. As I’ve just thrown one more cigarette pack sized tin of sardines into the pile of rotting garbage in the corner of my living room, I believe that it may be close to three weeks. And yet I wait.

What will be the effect of this thunderstorm?

That remains to be seen entirely, but I have clearly seen the streets washed clean in a dream and that is enough.

I live on the South side of the City, where the forgotten go to make tenements so that they can pile their forgottenness on top of each other so as to drown out the crushing roar of their vacuous lives, and the ignored cries of unwanted children in the stairwells.

I had always thought that I was the only one who imagined that life could be better. After the fire that swept the City after the Eupsuche Riot, I was momentarily hopeful that change would come. It was like the corner Punch and Judy show where the laughter rises quickly and surprisingly-so much so that you find yourself laughing too-and then it ends abruptly and after the show you realize that it was not funny at all. You realize the puppeteers were horrible, you couldn’t hear a single word of it because of the coughing and muttering in the crowd, and the sidewalk smelled of urine. And yet you laughed. At show’s end, all you have is urine smell and the shame for having fallen into laughing.

And then I found it.

I had been travelling past the orphanage on Rue Montaigne when I spied behind a rubbish bin a small black book that spelled for me the answer and gave me hope that I was not alone in the world. I was not a solitary and lone voice in the wilderness screaming only to myself. There was another, who like me knew that change could come. The change would be not only momentary change that would be forgotten in a flash, or remembered faintly in dreams, or be made to exist only in the drunken imaginations of pub-dwelling philosophers. The change we sought would be real, lasting, revolutionary, necessary, can I even say divine?

Not only did the book tell me there was another, but it told me how the change was to come.

I looked on the first page and in the small and faint type of a local printing shop was the title: The Religionist.

I was on my way to work, so I slipped it in my purse and during break I went and sat on the dock and flipped through the pages ravenously as I nursed absently on my pipe.

It was written in the style of a diary at times, a story at others.
April 17th I would remind you that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.[1] I had a dream last night where I saw a child dying in the stairwell. This is not an uncommon sight in waking hours, but for some reason, in the dream this one struck me particularly as sad. I took its light body into my arms and began to run to the hospital. (This is especially dreamy, for there is no hospital at all in the South side.) As I went hurriedly, the streets became so clogged with debris and dead bodies that I couldn’t move at all and soon I was being swept under by a tide of death and filth. I was so scared that I crushed the child in my arms like an empty plaster mold.

I never did go back to work that afternoon and I’ve never gone back. A few days ago someone slipped an envelope under my door that contained my last paycheck that had large deductions in it to cover my shipyard uniform that I hadn’t returned and my sail mending kit that was on loan from the company. All told there wasn’t much money left in the check for me so I ripped it up. I didn’t want to benefit from that work anyway.

Sept 8th –I met with my last remaining friend today at the market. She is a neophyte in one of the City’s two great sects.[2] This being the case, she is under the belief that she knows everything. This is the great bane of everyone who learns something. All the world seems now opened to them and they are just at their wits end holding back their great new theory. I told her of some of my thoughts towards the End which I had been devising in my mind and she placed her coffee cup down politely and stroked at her chin.

“Well,” she said. “That certainly would seem to work, but it wouldn’t.”

I leaned back in my chair and said, “Good. That’s what I wanted you to say.”

She looked a bit puzzled and continued to give her reasons why my approach wouldn’t work. She kept a list of reasons tallied on her fingers as she counted. It is a dangerous mind that wants to count things.

When she had finished I said again, “Good. That’s what I wanted you to say.”

More flustered now, she asked what I meant by that.

Says I, “If I had constructed a plan so that you would have believed it, I would have surely wasted my time. Do you imagine that I spend sleepless nights organizing my thoughts in such a way so that a young untrained and easy excitable mind might appreciate it? If you were to have in any way understood or had faith what I was saying, I would have had to start from scratch. As it stands, I know my way is correct.”

She finished her coffee in deep thought. The young and beautiful looking waiter came and collected our cups and gave us the nonverbal impression that he wanted us to leave his table so that waiting customers could take their turns and swill the café’s horrible cappuccino. We did those in the queue a favor and sat for another half hour in silence until she finally said: “Okay. I think I understand it and it just might work.”

I left her then alone at the table with the bill to pay and only one last remark,

“You’re a liar and I don’t ever wish to speak to you again.”

I decided to leave my apartment. My time of confinement was over and I was ready again to face the world. But it was not the same world that I had left those many weeks ago. Or I should say that it was the same but I was seeing it with new eyes. It was not the cesspool that I remembered. It now was a cesspool with the shadow of a thunderhead, or falling comet, darkening it.

I went to see my analyst at her office at my scheduled time. She was quite surprised to see me, but happy I am sure, since I am her last remaining patient.

“Come in! I thought that you had died! No word from you for over three weeks!”

“Why would you imagine that I was dead just because-?”

“The last time I saw you, you’d said that you’d ‘rather be dead than live in a world like this’.”

“Oh. I don’t remember that.”

“Surprising.” She said sardonically.

She had me lay down on the couch and I told her my conception, my plan, my direction of life. As I spoke, I joyfully heard her scribbling notes on her pad. I saw the hands of the clock pointing near the end of our session and I concluded my thoughts with the flourish of throwing the bust of the Respected Psychiatrist on her mantle against the wall.

“Well, when would you like to schedule your next appointment?” She asked.

I told her, “I refuse to be analyzed by any shrink that will accept me as a client!”

“You say that every week.” My analyst said.

“I do? Well, that exactly proves my point! What am I paying you for anyway? You wouldn’t know madness if it looked you in the face!”

“Please! Tell me about madness.”

“The first type is that of the Madness That Enjoys Madness. This is where everything presents itself as completely ridiculous and the Madman revels in it. They imagine themselves quite the life of the party but their Madness interesting in that it is interesting, which is quite boring actually. You will find them at all the best parties in mismatched clothes drinking absinthe from a shoe and scratching at their waxed mustaches with mirror shards. The second type is the Madness That Is Purely Mad. This is the sort represented in the dirty insane that pluck lice from their scalp, show it to the world and eat it on the street corner. You can spot them in the hills howling at the moon. They draw crowds and exorcists and no chains can hold them. They have Madness so in control and wholly explored that to watch them is like looking up “Madness” in the dictionary. This type of Madness is sure to catch the eye of the Charitable Sisters, whose ethical laws demand that they care for Madness. I pity them both-the Madman of this type and the pious who seek them. The last type I hardly dare mention because of the high esteem in which I hold them! This is the Madness Which No One Knows Of. You hear of them typically only after they are dead or imprisoned. ‘She seemed like such a nice young woman. So quiet!’ The neighbors will say. ‘We never suspected them capable of such horror!’ the family says. Oh! What artistry this Madness is! This last type of Madman is so hyperaware of the beauty of Madness that they never question the Sanity or Insanity of any individual because they know the dark inwardness that the best kind of Madness brings. Many have been married to these specimens without the slightest idea that inside them whirs the gears of paradox, insanity, and a mute madness that if screamed would either wrench the world from its orbit or be so totally bonkers that it would be mistaken for a belch or sneeze.” I concluded this with the flourish of gathering the broken pieces of the bust and throwing them against the opposite wall.

“Gesundheit.” Said the analyst.

I left her in a hurry vowing to never see her again. “You hack!” I yelled up the stairs.

June 2nd –I’ve left my apartment. What a world. I overheard a street preacher say on the corner that “this world is a love letter to you,” and I stopped in my tracks.

“From whom is it addressed?” I asked. “I may only guess, because it’s written in my blood. The very blood produced by the paper cut it gave me!”

He only looked puzzled. Funny how preachers always seem surprised when someone listens to them.

I’ve got four red strings tied around fingers. I forget when I tied them there, and what they were to remind me to do, but I do know for a fact that they were supposed to remind me to do something so they’ve served their purpose.

These strings are the clearest picture of what I strive for my life to be.

My way to perfection is clear and now comes to the doing of it.

There are those who are happy with loving themselves and they become great to a certain extent. There are others who love of others and they too become great. I am not satisfied with this sort of greatness and I reject both of these loves.

I have met those who say a better life, a better world is possible. I may have at one time entertained this as wisdom. I also have heard from those who look into all things at once and absorb all eternity and stare longingly into the infinite. This perspective is to me now too limited. I seek only the impossible and that which is either forgotten or reviled by all others.

I see the lines of kings and conquerors, generals and heroes, who have fought with and dominated the world. Let them rot with the world! Their end is no different than that which is eventually rejected even by termites. To say that they will burn with the world is to suggest that they bring light or warmth and I will not ascribe to them such value.

I see those who have through great adversity come to control and subjugate themselves. I pass by the hunger artist in the Market only to ignore him and allow him to see my upturned nose. I see the monk atop his Stylite and I laugh to myself.

I got to where the others would never dream. The altar is ashamed of itself as I pass. The temple wishes it could crumble and destroy itself as my shadow graces its steps. I am alone in this perfection perfectly.

Or so I thought until I found the book.

Its appearance in my life assured me that there was at least one other who went beyond mere heroism.

I set to the work. For doing is all there is. Thinking is the work of the philosopher and is really no work at all. I bought a long knife at the Market and concealed it in my dress.

No one expects a religionist to be a woman it seems, and I was allowed into the Temple of Dror without hassle. There I came to a chamber where there were a number of adherents quietly praying. My knife and I did our work and again, the knife was hidden and I repeated this process in a number of annexes and chambers.

I then made my way to where the Family of Aelia hold their rites and rituals and again, the true religionist apparently is not assumed to be a quiet and calm looking woman for they greeted me warmly. Their greeting became crimson as my vocation realized itself. As I made my way unto the boulevard, my stained blade became veiled under my dress’s many folds.

I was as I passed behind the orphanage that I was stopped by a young woman.

“Miss,” she said “You dropped this book behind the rubbish bin there.”

She said, pointing.

“I did?”

“Yes. Just now.”

“Oh! I don’t remember that.” I took the book from her and read the first page.

The Religionist’ it read. Had I seen this before?

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember this book. I don’t think it’s mine.”

“Oh, you always say that!” said the young girl, handing it to me before returning to the orphanage’s steps.

Editor’s Note:

I found this story at the bottom of a rubbish bin this past fall. I included it in this current edition again because of the appreciation it received from our female readership. Our mailroom was almost flooded with thank you letters saying ‘How nice it is to see woman’s literature!’ and ‘Finally! A story that isn’t all from a man’s perspective!’ I commended Mr. Sansrespite on his daughter’s work when I saw him in passing on the street and he incontrovertibly denied that his daughter Aletheia could be the true author.

“She has no interest in religion at all. It must be someone else.” He said.


[1] Harry Jaffa wrote this into Barry Goldwater’s 1964 Republican nominee acceptance speech. –The Seminarian

[2] That is, either ‘The Family of Aelia’ or the ‘Fellowship of Dror’. One commentator hints that neither of these Sects proper are alluded, but individual teachers, either The Historian or The Self-ist. –The Editor

I Know Now What It Is To Shudder
By: Malleus St. Antonius

[Recently, a collection of works from the Brothers Grimm was released containing the story “The Tale of a Youth Who Set Out to Learn What Fear Was”. In this tale, a young boy sets out to learn what it was ‘to shudder’ and in the process meets with indifference corpses, ghosts, flying skulls, zombies, etc.
He is later married and one night his wife throws cold water and fish on him
and he ‘shudders’.]

David was the younger of two brothers who, while quite smaller and more frail than his brother, was nevertheless quite undisturbed by anything.

His brother saw a skunk one morning in the field of their farm and quickly ran away. David however picked the skunk up by the tail. He was consequently asked to complete the school year sitting at a desk outside the school’s downwind window.

He would often step on tacks, walk through sliding glass doors, eat strange looking mushrooms, take naps in intersections, and play “Whack-A-Mole” with rattlesnakes using his face instead of a mallet.

“Boy, ain’t you got a lick a sense to even be scared just a peck?” His father (an oafish old curmudgeon) asked one day. “Nope. Not a lick or a peck.” David answered.

“This boy durn’t know how ta shudder a’tall!” His dad announced to the family gathered at the dinner table, exasperated.

“Gosh.” Thought David. “What’s it mean to shudder, I suppose?”

So he headed off one night with his packsack to find out what it was to shudder.

He met a fancy dressed man who introduced himself as “Major Kalm of Easy Company” who asked if David wanted to join him.

David liked the sound of ‘ease’ and ‘calm’ so he was conscripted on the spot and sent to the frontlines of a battle.

David met many grumbling men in the trenches. But David had a great time lying low when his Sergeant told him to during mortar attacks because he would make sand castles.

“We need someone to go get up this Hamburger Hill and roust out that machine gun nest!” said Sarge.

“Hamburgers? Nests?” thought David. He loved both burgers and birds and was fascinated by the possibility of combining the two. “Sign me up!” he yelped.

Three days later, David came back with the enemy machine gun in hand.

“All they had was this noisy broomstick, unfortunately, Sarge.” He said.

“This boy don’t know how to shudder, I think.” Said Sarge and David felt a pang of sadness.

Soon David’s sand castle making days were over with the ending of the war and so he continued on to the City where he got a job making candles. The candle making shop was between a deli and a bakery and David would know that he had got to work in the morning when he had just passed the smell of meats, headcheese, and BBQed bear claws and just begun to smell sweetmeats, cheesecake, and bearclaws.

One day while making a candle, he completely became encased in wax. The butcher from next door came in and found him thinking ‘I’ll just take this candle and pay David back tomorrow.” The butcher then used him to light up his shop as he made bratwurst throughout the night.

The next day, the baker came into the deli and found David all burnt to a crisp and said “I’ll just borrow this slab of salt pork from the butcher to make mincemeat pie and pay him back tomorrow.

The next day at a wedding feast when those gathered had thought that there was no more mincemeat pie, someone said, “Sure, there’s a big one right over there. They’ve left the best mincemeat for the end!” When they tried to dish up a slice, however, David said “Don’t take and eat. This is my body.”

The bride and groom looked at each other and said “This boy sure don’t know how to shudder!” and David felt disappointed in himself again.

David, having seen the fun people were having at the wedding got the idea that he should enjoy the rite of marriage. His friends at the bar all tried to talk him out of it, but he could not be dissuaded. After all, he had heard from all the ‘loose women’ in the bar that they would sleep with any man who was “well groomed” and he thought, “Well, I’ll be Groomed!”

So he was promptly married to a caring, intelligent, funny, creative, and heavenly beautiful woman. They were very happy and had two successful children who were each respected intellectuals and movie stars.

One night, David came in through the garage and as he slipped off his shoes on the mat, he noticed that he didn’t hear his wife Madrigal busying herself as usual making dinner. “Maddie? You home?” He said at the base of the stairs. He went up to find her sitting in the dark with a folded magazine in her lap. “Maddie, what are you doing sitting in the dark?” She shot him a glancing look.

There was a half bottle of Syrah on the living room table. “Are you drinking already?” Usually they would finish a bottle together over the dinner she’d prepared. It being Tuesday, David had expected to smell the usual Tilapia, but it was absent.

“Dave, are you happy?” She asked.

“Yes, I’m happy.”

She sighed loudly.

“What? What’s going on? What kind of question is that?”

She stood, throwing the magazine aside. “I mean, are you happy?

“Sure.” He left her there and rattled dishes in the kitchen, not so much as to start dinner himself, but to encourage her to.

“Dave.” She said from the other room, “Shit. I mean…I’m not happy.”

Madrigal heard the broiling pan drop in the sink. A silent moment later, David came into the living room holding a bottle of olive oil. “What do you mean?”

She sighed again and took the wine glass and bottle with her into their bedroom.

He sat at the dinner table and stared. Tilapia thawing on the counter and asparagus awaiting their steaming alongside, he only stared blankly until the light from the Krupps coffee maker glowed in the dark.

David lifted himself from the table and found Madrigal crying and curled on the bed. He took off his watch and absently placed it on the nightstand. He wrapped his body behind her and felt a cry rattle her when he played with her hair like she liked it.

As David and Madrigal slipped off to uneasy sleep, he thought,

“Now I know what it is to shudder.”

Editor’s Note:

When Malleolus brought this story to me, I saw that some of my genius must have been passed on in my venerable seed. Of course, I was saddened that my talents had made the decline from the mythical Golden Age to a type of Silver Age as my son had apparently forsaken my dream of his becoming an editor of my own stripe. I should say that while I don’t understand a single line of this ‘story’, I have included it here in hopes that my son will consequently face the embarrassment of the reviewers and perhaps make the only wise decision and become my assistant editor in the future.

–Auguste St. Antonius

Author’s Note:

My father is our City’s most well-known lout, and his dalliances with women have become fodder for whispers and teahouse rumors and the source of my great shame. His affair with a ventriloquist became legend when they were caught in compromising circumstances in the antiquities wing of the museum and yet he still clings to the fantasy that it is a secret of his own. O! how our behavior is never a private matter! Why my mother has still clung to the hope of him changing his lecherous ways, I will never know. In my own giving up of the expectation of my father ever shuddering, I wonder if my resignation toward my father is itself a shudder or the abnegation of shuddering.
–Malleus St. Antonius

Solitary
By: Yorick Touchstone

“Perhaps someone thinks that it is frightful arrogation to attribute
the designation of “humorist” to myself…the person who makes this
this objection obviously assumes humor to be the highest.”
-Johannes Climacus

What was I saying? It seems that I’ve forgotten. I’ll just have to begin with the beginning.

The beginning should start by telling you that there was a man named Peter who lived in the City and he came to be sentenced to a life term of solitary imprisonment. That’s not the story though. The story is how that sentence came to pass. And that I should say begins with Peter reading a local paper one morning.

The humble paper was a seedy rag, whose pages contained the most recent accepted lies, twisted fantasies, whispered rumors of celebrities and commoners alike. The paper was read by only the most rotten of the City’s populace. On the back page this particular morning, Peter found an advertisement reading: “Attention! All the City is invited to meet a Respectable Employer in the City Market today for the purpose of finding those who would like a very easy job with a great reward. Signed, Mr. S”

Later that morning, while Peter was fishing in the harbor, he was approached by a foreign looking man in a long coat with a stylish beard whose accent was immediately apparent when he addressed Peter.

“Good sir, I am sorry to interrupt your fishing, but may I ask you if you would like to help me today?”

Peter went with the man who introduced himself as ‘Mr. S’, and Peter asked him if he was the same of the advertisement. He said he was, and Peter asked if he hadn’t had any response to his posting. “Oh yes,” he said “In fact the City in its entirety showed up and they are waiting there still!” As they crested a hill, Peter was able to see the Market and it seemed it was true, a complete census could be taken.

Mr. S led Peter outside the City into the pasturelands. There, they came to a high place where there was a churchyard.[1] As they passed by the tombstones, one in particular caught Peter’s eye which read:

Don’t grieve for me because I’ve died

Grieve that whilst I lived, I was not alive.”[2]

Peter turned back again and Mr. S had vanished. Instead he saw the church’s gathering congregants milling into the church for services. A lovely woman in vibrant green and smelling of rose hip oil bid him to come inside. Since his employer was not to be found, Peter joined her.

He sat between the woman in green and a small man whose weathered look came not from age and whose back looked twisted and brittle. The service began by a series of congregants speaking at the front and giving short messages of their faith. First, a woman spoke of the historical truth of their great faith and confirmed it by citing all the most learned historians. The Brittle Man next to Peter whispered to him that she was ‘mad as a hatter. Or, at least as mad as a hatter’s wife whose mad husband had more lovers in the City than history could recount’. The next came and gave great signs of wonder: he healed a man of pleurisy and a boy of melancholy. The Brittle Man told Peter that he ‘was a violent man, and the healed man was his father whom he poisoned with herbicide and the boy was his son whom he beat days either sunny or overcast.’

They began signing beautiful hymns that elevated Peter’s soul and drew his thoughts from the lowly things of common life and felt like a one who had been to the seventh heaven. The Brittle Man whispered that the organist was a known arsonist.

All of this was only prelude to the Sermonist who was to come but seemed to be running late. The congregation waited patiently and reverently, the great reputation of the Sermonist held them rapt even in his truancy.

“He will not come.” Said the Brittle Man. “He never comes. Why would he?”

Peter asked who this person was and he was told that the Sermonist was the greatest and most wise teacher there had ever been. He wore a simple peasant’s coat and a long shepherd’s beard, and every message he gave cut to the individual’s heart. “But he won’t waste his time coming here.” The Brittle Man said.

In the time of their waiting, the Brittle Man took the stage and began telling a simple story that he again retold again and again but with slight variation. He continued in this way as if the story a gem that could be turned and new facets revealed. Peter, along with everyone else found it quite uninteresting[3]. But, since he was a first time visitor, was the only one who felt the freedom to excuse himself quietly.

On the front stoop sat Mr. S smoking leisurely on a cigar. He told Peter then what his job was: “take this kerosene and lighter and burn this church down.” So Peter soaked the base boards and foundation in the gas and set it alight. When he had done so, he found Mr. S again to be missing.

“He sure does walk away quietly!” Peter thought.

The flames began eating at the church at good speed. Peter walked down the hill a distance to a small farm where he found the barn shed empty. He helped himself to a long coat which he donned and then using shears and pitch, attached some sheep’s wool to his chin to create the effect of a beard.

He re-entered the church then and the congregation gasped. “The Sermonist!” an old man said with awe. “How handsome!” said one young woman to another. He stood in the front of those assembled and after clearing his throat, began his Sermon.

He whispered in one man’s ear: “That you are the most wise of all is clear because you can see demons in disguise who tempt your vanity.”

“I have no vanity, you demon!” He hollered back at Peter, his face red.

Peter whispered to another, “If you do not tell anyone that I will burn you to death, I will burn you to death. If you tell even a single soul that I will burn you to death, I will not burn you to death.[4]

“You’re going to burn me to death? He says he’s going to burn me up! Hah! You fiend! I would dare you to try!” he screamed back looking quite tricky and cunning.

Peter turned again and whispered to another, “Because of my death, you all shall live.”

The man slapped Peter on the cheek. “Blasphemy!” He yelled.

At that moment, Peter let slip from his hand the lighter that Mr. S had given him. Seeing it, the organist grabbed it and suggested that they give the Sermonist a bit of a lesson. The congregation quickly agreed. Between blows, they set fire to him and Peter was quickly a waving torch. The frightful smell produced by this motivated the assembly to exit the church quickly. Most returned to their homes for dinner, some made time to watch the boats enter the City’s bay.

The church burned to the ground in minutes.[5]

What was I saying? It seems that I’ve forgotten. I’ll just have to begin with the beginning.

You see, it’s so difficult to keep my mind on track recently. I must take this occasion to thank you for your patience. Many times when I begin these stories, my audience asks me to ‘get to the moral’ as though the meaning of the story could precede the telling of the story. Besides, I don’t tell stories with morals. Those types of stories are for children and I don’t tell children’s stories. My stories don’t have morals, or meanings, nor are they metaphorical or contain mythological themes. I tell stories as they happened and it seems to me that the truth of what happened shouldn’t be burdened with ‘meaning’.[6]

But I live with stories exclusively now and they keep me company. I’ve heard people say ‘oh how hard it must be to be a monk!’ and I wonder how they form this impression, for I’ve never once seen a monk grumble. I am quite certain that both the lives of monks and prisoners in solitary are kept quite content by the telling of stories. The monks have their gods to talk to and the prisoner in solitary also can talk to themselves, the rats in his mattress, or perhaps the passing prison guard.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. The beginning.

From the cindered wood of the church, believe it or not, came Peter, all burnt up to a crisp and he found Mr. S there again, enjoying the sunset. Peter told him of the events that had occurred since he had last seen him and Mr. S began to laugh.

Mr. S tried to pay Peter then for his services, but Peter declined. After his day of lying, deceit, and tempting others to violence, he gave himself a life sentence of solitary and this seemed the best recompense for his day’s work.

Editor’s Note:

I’ve known Mr. Touchstone for a great number of years. He is The Orphan’s premier comedic writer and while his work is never directly quoted to me, it seems that it greatly influences the temperaments of my landlord and The Orphan’s board of directors.

Humor is always a welcomed tonic in the daily hustle and bustle of the City life and I commonly tell jokes on the morning train that are not funny to amuse myself. The greatest of my jokes are those I play on myself. I will misplace my pipe whilst drinking just to summon the inevitable hilarious reaction of stomping about my apartment the next morning and cursing. I have a running joke that I only know and when I am attending dinner parties with my (sometimes) wife Cordelia, I’ll mention my love of ‘the antiquities wing of the City museum’ and I’ll smile coyly to Cordelia’s chagrin.

My humor is often over the head of the majority of folk, but that is the curse of the genius, to be only understood by your equals who are scarce and jealously intimidated. While I can appreciate the pedestrian humor of Mr. Touchstone and respect his ability to speak to relate to the hoi polloi, I must say that he makes for a horrible dinner guest.             -Auguste St. Antonius

Author’s Note:

After I finished writing Solitary, and gave it to Mr. St. Antonius, I was surprised that he began laughing. I was quite disappointed since my intention had been to laugh at him, not with him. This is the greatest challenge of a humorist: keeping the jokes you wish others to enjoy separate from those meant only for your own benefit.


[1] In my translation, I had to choose between ‘churchyard’ and ‘graveyard’. The two terms in the original language are of course synonymous ever since an Architecture Critic once reviewed an impressive and newly built cathedral, “A beautiful whitewashed and gleaming tomb, which is filled with the rotting dead.” –the Editor

[2] Rabbi A comments: “This tombstone was written for a young infant who died without the chance to experience the pure meaninglessness, sadness, and horrors of life and hence could not enjoy heaven fully.” Rabbi B comments: This is the tombstone of an old man who had never fully experienced the joys, delights, and ecstasy of life.” Rabbi C writes: “This was a tombstone whose grave was still empty and ready to be filled by the next of the congregation to die.” Rabbi D writes: “This grave was occupied and in fact its occupant still moved the ground with their writhing in suffocation. How one accepts, rejects, or identifies with this macabre image determines their destiny.” –The Editor

[3] I have seen my grandfather chew the same piece of mincemeat pie for several minutes as though in great anticipation of it becoming sirloin. It is a terrible process to witness. He also blows his nose at the dinner table with the inventiveness of a contortionist playing a broken trumpet. Perhaps he believes that his endurance will produce gold dust in his kerchief. –The Editor

[4] It is said that Cupid had given Psyche a similar direction. The divinity of their daughter Voluptas (the Goddess of sensual pleasures) depended on Psyche’s keeping secret her nature. The efficacy of my prayers to Voluptas so far suggest her mother was a blabber mouth. –The Editor

[5] Think of the panic that arises when you begin a statement with, “now, don’t panic….” Victor Eremita once edited a paper on the subject: “In a theater, it happened that a fire started offstage. The clown came out to tell the audience. They thought it was a joke and applauded…This is the way…that the world will be destroyed—amid the universal wits and wags who think it is all a joke (Either/Or).”  –The Seminarian

[6] I once told someone that I had burned my eyes while fishing because of the sun’s reflection on the water. And though I couldn’t see the fish I was eating, its taste was not diminished. “Oh, yes. I understand.” She answered back, winking. –The Author

The Witness
By: Semper Sansrespite

“I know very well that I shall not soon forget that banquet in which I participated without being a participant; but just the same I cannot now decide to release it without
having provided myself with a scrupulous written memoir
of what for me was actually worthy of memory.”
-William Afham

The Hall of Courts, a great wide cavernous gallery with giant pillars the size of sequoias and a thick glass ceiling, largely opaque with grime of centuries and overlaid with layers of ivy which gave light in blurry swaths weakened by smoke and dust on its way to the floor far below, sits in the center of the city square. From place to place in the gallery, in which no end can be seen from the inside, clusters of the street people and onlookers formed rough rectangles of dense crowds wherein a single magistrate paces around one criminal or another. Guards and attendants hunker or lean on their pikes at the inner edge of these courts whose only partition one from another was the coughing, jostling huddle, leering like dogs their eyes red with smoke and the tedium of endless witnesses.
There is always motion to the scene, the men with their box legged straggles, the prostitutes swishing and pushing their perfumed clouds around, and the furtive young boys skipping school chasing in circuits. There also was the traffic of onlookers from case to case, as one would lose their interest. Petty theft, incest, embezzlement, all the charges that may bring on into the Hall had been heard of, and had lost their power to hold attention without the creativity of the magistrate.
The invariably aged and rakish men in their scarlet robes had become long ago aware of the problem and had resolved it with ever-increasing showmanship to keep their huddled courts robust. Though their reputations were known and their celebrity in the city center secure, their names were never revealed. Citizens in the Hall only speak of magistrate “Murder Two Hundred” for the number of cases successfully wrought, or “Madam Sheik’s” for where they adjourned for recess.
One afternoon, as even larger crowds than usual were being driving in by an unforgiving rain, and the magistrates were announcing their third session cases, winding up in their bombast, I found myself at the front of a favorite magistrate of mine who had overseen many tens of cases I had witnessed. The case being announced as one of murder, the guards had pushed a sallow and emaciated urchin boy into the clearing and there followed the usual applause for the beginning. A man beside me was jarring with elbows and with impropriety came to be before me and at the edge. His hair, while smelling of rich pomade was now awry and wild. His jacket was missing and his tailored shirt untucked. His white neck showed veins.
The session underway, the sleeves of the magistrate were now flags with ivory wrists sometimes flying and the charges summarized. The boy in the dock looked over those gathered, with not hope in his eyes, but alarm. Waiting not for a rescue, but someone to rush from the assemblage with a knife or tearing hands, which was not unheard of, and of which I had seen times past. “Murder! Most grievous, and mean. The State, most blessed and assured, will have no mercy on this act. Murder is your charge young man, and if it stains you, it marks you for death!” The magistrate boomed, his trained voice reaching above the roar, his speech curling his r’s as a thespian. The boy’s head hung from his spine as an afterthought.
“Magistrate! I beg you hear me out!” The man before me stepped into the square. Small but effective movements from the guards poised them for instantaneous action should they infer it from the magistrate who like a magician, only flared his sleeves and held his arms out as for embrace. He saw dramatic appeal to this interruption and saw to play it. My heart raced.
“You may speak before the court. Please identify yourself, sir.”
“I am Dr. Saul, veterinarian, your honor.”
“Sir Doctor, The Court is open to you.”
The new man’s shoulders came up and his toes out, like a bird. His face came hard from the stares of those around him. My mouth went dry for embarrassment for him; his shoes brown with mud, his face showing pits under his eyes. I saw the faces around me rapt in his appearance also. They gazed with attention at a man who they felt at once ashamed for and thankful towards, for he represented a novelty to the dreary afternoon. My heart rode his, and stirred with his as the magistrate stood almost toes to toes with him.
“Your Honor, this boy is innocent.” His adam’s apple lurched. “I am the guilty. I murdered her. It is me! You have heard me.” He motioned to us, “You all have heard now. I am guilty.”
There was no stirring now, nor speaking for we had got our tasting. Now we wanted more and the magistrate glowed. He scanned us, and saw in the back, the men of the outer row quietly stopping those passing with but a look. He gave us a moment then,
“Give us your story, Sir Doctor.” He turned his back to him to face the boy. “The Court will hear you.”
“Where do I start? I killed her. Is more needed? I am Dr. Saul, my office is in the Red Brick End,” that is of the old quarter, “where I attend to carriage horses, cattle. Mostly hoof rot I see. I can mend bones, or treat worms. The fishermen come to me to sew up their hands. I am a doctor and man and animal differ little in medicine. I was returning to my shop the day before yesterday when I was stopped at my own gate. I guess I could begin there.”
“Make no delay in it then Doctor. You have the Court.”
So he began.
“He requested I make a house call, and come at once. I told him that was only getting back from one call and the hour was late, but I would join him as soon as able. He insisted that I come immediately and his carriage drew up to ensure his seriousness. I went. He had promised three times the normal rate for a house call. I went.” I looked to the boy to see if he bore any sign of familiarity with the Doctor or his testimony. He instead only looked on as we all did, confused and curious at the Doctor’s narration.
“The carriage had no windows and in near darkness I rode with the messenger. We turned numerous times and for a distance that felt it may have carried us near the city limits.” All skin turned cold at this. “When the door opened we were in a lamp lit drive of a huge estate. There was an open door of a carriage house. He led me in.”
The rain had not let up, and would not cease all that afternoon. That season I remember was one of remarkable changes, raising the water about the piers and giving masons much work bracing walls that had got rotten and cracked. But the rain from inside the Hall, under ivy and heavy brass torches, seemed a faint and remote thing not touching our world. We gathered were closer to the carriage house that the Doctor spoke of, could smell the hay.
“In the stall the messenger showed me a pregnant bay-horse. She was very full, and ready to birth. The man excused himself. That was that. She had a fever, and I culled more lamps from the garage to give me work light.” He faltered. “Your Honor, you wish me continue?” The magistrate bid him on. “She gave sign of infection or trouble and I feared a breach birth because of the way that her belly sat. I gave a first probe and saw the calf was coming. With assistance, the calf came right, and I quickly helped in its cleaning. There was quite an amount of accompanying fluid, darkish. I feared internal infection, or a cancer. I knew that it could be nothing more than the sign of a failed twin pregnancy. The afterbirth came forth, but with more of the same, and the bay was in discomfort to where she could not attend to her calf.
“I gave a search, Your Honor. I…and I pulled, by the ankle, an ankle no thinker than my finger” and he lifted his finger to show “a tiny human male. Three pounds, no more. It had been covered by a scab, and by pus to where its face was almost indiscernible.” The Doctor’s lips curled in spite of his formal air.
“God,” said a man to my right, and whistled. His breath, our breath all stunk in the crowd.[1] It carried cheap cigarette smoke, greasy drinks, and passed our grey, leaning teeth. In that moment though, our breaths hung and our mouths agape stopped. I felt cold despite the nearness of the crowd. A long audible exhale from the boy broke the trance.
“I called out.” The Doctor continued. “I held the boy in my hands and cried out. I cleaned the tiny infant off as well as I could but its caul was thick. I also came to see that the body, the flesh of the boy had been…It had been circumcised. Its umbilical cord had been crudely cropped and tied. The body fit in my cupped hands. It was dead, it fit in my hands.” He gave a pause as if to remember what, if anything had happened next. “The messenger boy from the carriage came and took the body; he said not a word to me. I swear Your Honor, I swear he was not surprised that it was but annoyed that it was dead. I followed him out to the yard, trying to get words, to ask him what this meant, to call on him curses, to ask him explain. He spoke with a man well dressed near the house briefly, handing over the body. He told me my payment was in the carriage and thanked me. He thanked me courteously.
“I found the payment in the carriage, but Your Honor, I could not touch it. I don’t know why. I also don’t know what brought me to slip out the door of the carriage as it exited the drive. I managed to slip out unseen by the driver, who was minding his two black haired mares with his crop and night had come in full. I came back up the drive. I came to the house. Your Honor, I entered the back door I had seen the two men enter. I cannot explain my actions. Forgive me, this was the first of crime. I chose to enter like a thief.
“I found I was in a kitchen greatly arrayed with dishes and platters ready for the serving and the sounds of entertainment came from all around; music, gaiety, and such. I cleaned myself quickly in the basin, as the kitchen was empty. I entered the hall to find a ball of beautiful women and finely dressed men. It was a ball. They were like the kind that you see in the Theatre District, finely dressed. I passed among them, unseen or unnoticed. I traveled room from room looking for either man I had seen before. Like an interloper, a trespasser in their home. I found the dapper man I had seen earlier. In a parlor. He stood with a woman in tow. It was her. In a dazzling green dress and smelling of rose hips. It was her. O! what have I done?”
He came to tears, but not to crying. They seemed to begrudge him, a Doctor, a man of stature and respect, and a man of our city he may not have been familiar with tears, and known the sounds that usually accompany them. They slowly inched down his tired face, individually at first then in a row. They followed his cheeks, coming near his mouth’s corners then hung on his jaw. His lips drew back and I could see the strength that it demanded him to refrain from howling, from losing himself in a fit.
“The woman in green[2]. She stood with him and they were in the center of the room with a large, blonde haired man seated in from of them. It was a game they played. They put a paper crown on him, and were singing “Fine A Man for Smiling”. A parlor game, apparently. The blonde haired man was sleeping. It was his face, the face of truly an innocent, that made me want to flee that place finally and forget the horror of the child in the stable. His face was untouched by evil or care, and all the while they sang again and again, ‘fancy you, crafty, wily, card up your sleeve…so fine a man for smiling!’
“I fled down a side hall and entered the dining hall, which I imagined was adjacent to the kitchen I had entered. As I made my exit, loud voices and accompanying sounds of an altercation from there stopped me cold in my tracks, and I at once, without thinking slipped my self under the long buffet table whose light white cover had concealed its glass top. Not a second after I came to rest under the table, a boisterous group came from the hall and the owners of the quarrelling voices also. I watched their feet from under the table, and could have reached out and touched them if I had dared. I then saw a pair of bare feet and legs, and soon a man was laid on the table. He was naked, Your Honor. I watched him from not but a foot underneath him, and with the lights now turned on, I could make out the faces of those who stood around the table, their faces white like ghouls through the tablecloth.
“They poured wine into his mouth and I assumed it was another game like the one I had witnessed earlier, when they held a rag over his face that as a veterinarian, a medical doctor, I knew was drenched in ether. From the smell, you see.”
“On and on it goes! Where it stops nobody knows!” cried an onlooker from the safety of the crowd around the convened court. The Magistrate had fire come to his eyes and he scanned the faces looking for a smirk, a sign of disrespect that he could lambaste.
“Silence in my court!”
Anonymous voices heckled back, and a passing vendor joined in the cacophony with a good natured and excusable call for his goods, “Dates, almonds!” He mewed. Faceless others from around me complained
“Have him get on with it!”
“What of the murder?”
“Tell us of your crime, sawbones!”
“Her heart, doctor, her heart[3], were they saved for your studies?”
The Magistrate at last managed to calm the noise from the tawny air.
“Doctor, can you expedite your testimony? Your confession?”
“Your Honor, members of the court: I ask your patience. From the moment I stepped foot into that carriage house that night to the very moment I stepped into your presence, every event is linked to the next, like the lines of a poem. Lose yourself in the middle, and you must start from the first line to regain memory. It is all one unit, you see. Patience! Please, your agreement upon my guilt rests on my testimony!”

“Don’t tell us Doctor, that like your poem, you will have to begin from your stories’ first lines?” Quipped the Magistrate to the chuckled response he desired.
“No sir. But please, let me finish uninterrupted.” Eyes bounced to the Magistrate to catch his reaction to such a pointed remark in his court, but mine swiveled to a motion I detected from my periphery and I caught sight of a man in the crowd employing the services of a Dirne-frau, a courtesan of the Great Hall.
The Magistrate must have given the witness allowance for his free speech, for he continued, “Once the ether had taken hold, the guests at the table would begin to lean forward and bite from his skin. They did so at his extremities first, then started at his trunk. It took great force to remove their morsels.” The witness stopped at that, perhaps amazed at his own choice of words. “They then rolled him over so that his face was nearly to mine own and with his drugged eyes meeting mine. I immediately feared that he would give alarm and I would be found, but whether by his stupor or the disadvantageous light he could see me not. More and more they came down on him and came away with bites from him. Blood began to gel over the glass, and soon I could see the man’s face no more. Their feast ended after what seemed many days and they left me alone with him.
“The party retreated to farther reaches of the house and I assume people retired to bed because calm finally fell. I took my chance, and with only a brief glance at the man on the table, I dashed through the kitchen and out the milk door and leapt onto a readied carriage that had been harnessed near the house. I let into that poor nag like a devil with the whip and it tore from the cobbled drive as though its tail were afire. I dozed off at the reins after fruitlessly circling endless tracts of mansions, each grander and yet identical to the last. I awoke to find the nag chewing up the lawn near Meore’s monument near Ellenshill. From there, I was able to wind my way by luck and chance to the State Market Grounds.
“I left the carriage there, Your Honor. Its whereabouts now I cannot say. If you wish to add theft to my charges, I will have to concede. I had never taken anything that was not mine before that morning, but at the time I had somehow justified it. At the Market, I lost myself among the crowd, seeking safety in the numbers. It however was torturous. I saw in every face the same beatific glow that was held by the man at the party, the ‘fine man for smiling’. Yet, I felt not safe. I was at once certain that I was being watched by those from the night afore. In a sea of strangers, I was the only stranger.”
He paused and looked at the court, his audience.
“I then saw the woman, from the night before,” he started.
“Which?” pressed the Magistrate.
“The woman in the green dress.”
“From the house?”
“I think she was wearing a green dress.”
“Which? The woman at the house or the woman at City Market?”
“I think both. Now it’s hard to say. Please, let me think. I only remember that I was struck with paralyzing fear when I saw her, then anger, finally, unmeasured hate. She had been there, had done those things.”
“And you killed her? How?”
“What does it matter? I killed her!”
“How?”

“I don’t remember. I only recall that I began to follow her down a vacant alley. When I returned from my momentary lapse, my suspension of consciousness, I knew I killed her and I came here. To confess!” He began to weep, his mouth unhinged.
“Do you remember anything at all? Are you certain you killed the woman?”
“I left her there.”
“Where?” The Magistrate stepped forward, placing a heavy hand on the witnesses arm.
“The alley behind the Orphanage!”
I saw, which afterwards in my questionings I found no one else did, that the young boy whose hearing began this mouthed the words “No. Dance Hall.” towards the witness, who was not aligned to see as I.
The magistrate had left bombast from this question, his patrons forgotten.
“How son, could this be, when she was found in the dance hall? Not this morning, but last night?” The witness looked up, his eyes searching. “This young man here, he was seen last going into her dressing room.”
The boy whelped, “It wasn’t me,” half-heartedly.
The witness began again,
“Your Honor, check the alley, look over it good. She must be there!” A thought grabbed him, “Perhaps I took her to the dance hall,” The Magistrate shook his head. “Is there another murder case, another death? I was told this case was the only death case. Is this true?”
“This is the one and only murder case in all the Hall. Check the listings yourself.” He pointed towards the giant chalkboards at even intervals within the Hall where in bright white on black there read charges being heard.
The Magistrate gathered court guards to him and ordered a search of the area detailed by the witness. Together, as a single organism they moved in a clatter of armor.
In the recess many milled, most smoked, the witness sat on the floor with his tailored shirt hanging from him crookedly like his face, and others threw a ball back and forth. I moved a few pillars down to the ivy curtain and pushed through to the now dry fountain. I had sat there many times, my first being when I was but a child. It had been running then, and many magistrates would confer with each other there on court precedents and ask advice on judgments. I had once seen a death penalty or life sentence decided by a coin pulled from the fount. A half pence-death. A shilling-life. I forget what he pulled out, but I remember my father was with me.
The fount is dry now- only cracks where lucky coins once lay. I walked around it and looking at the statuette that crowned it, I found its name came back to me: “The Lady Justice”. Long ago, someone had taken the gold sword from her marbled hand and later the arm itself. Her legs and waist were withstanding and I forget now her exact pose when she had been whole, but I remember my father had told me the statue was modeled on my mother and my mother modeled after Lady Justice. It was quiet there behind the ivy. I pushed back through in time to see the guards in their leather jerkins returning to the court. “They have found nothing,” the Magistrate announced after reconvening. The witness visibly shrunk and the young defendant did also.
The Magistrate quickly heard witnesses from the dance hall, the night of the girl’s murder. The case against the young man, whose bones showed all over under his sallow skin, was firm and the Magistrate quickly came to his conclusion. One of the forty traditional scepters of judging was brought by one of the forty couriers who ran from court to court, delivering their time-honored tool when a court official raised the flag of judgment. The Magistrate touched the boy’s shoulders with the scepter, wording the customary lines of a death sentence, and the boy was quickly shuttled away amidst a throng of jeering voices. The commotion followed the boy and his escort towards the execution fairgrounds, up the long steps of the promenade, but I stayed back in the now emptied area where the court had just stood.
I saw the witness approach the magistrate, with pleas on lips that I couldn’t make out. The Magistrate shook his head and excused himself walking with a guard towards the lagoon, with a picnic on his mind no doubt. I followed the witness through the crowds, bypassing large courts, overhearing court documents, witnesses, and magistrates with audiences captivated. He made the long way to the Hall’s edge, looking out on the square and the bustle of the evening traffic. A train slowed in a mist, stopping to take on its load of workers heading home. Lengthening shadows from dark buildings and temples sliced the square into unequal fourths, and the train restarted slowly moving from light to dark alternately.
The witness turned about and entered the Hall of Courts, under the ceiling of dusty glass and with his shoulders low entered the mob of bodies watching the opening statements in a newly begun trial. I watched him for a time then lost him in the crowds as he moved to another court. In the years following, I have seen him many times watching the courts with conflict on his brow, an ambivalence of hope and dread, his eyes dead until the announcements of guilt where a flash of ecstasy would appear as if it were he receiving the judgment of guilt, he being condemned.

Editor’s Note: When I was first given The Witness by Mr. S, I was a not a little upset by there being yet another legal themed short story for our humble periodical The Orphan. It seemed that the court-drama had run its course of fashion and I had wanted a fresh feeling to the issue. I encouraged the author to meet with me over dinner and he being an author of course could not pass up free food. Over a bottle of Syrah, I managed to swallow my editor’s pride and do what comes most unnaturally to my profession: praise the writer. Anyone who has the high calling of editor, you understand, sees in themselves the real source of art and not the flea bitten and drunk artist. We see them as the formless granite blocks for our sculpting, and sometimes even let them feel that they have control over their creation. After buttering him up a bit and ordering us dessert, I asked him if he couldn’t do a light comedic piece like Mr. Touchstone. “Legal stories are just simply not en vogue this season.” I said. Mr. Sansrespite looked quite surprised and informed me that his story was indeed a piece of romantic literature. “If that is the case, I shall run it as the featured story!” I said. “I’m sure it will have all the City swooning! I do believe it. In fact, let me correct myself for belief is assailable by doubt-I’ve decided it!”
-Auguste St. Antonius


[1] This is, in the entire story, the most unbelievable notion: that one would now their own participation within a larger group’s unpleasantness. I asked the venerable author to strike this passage, but he insisted it stay in to raise the story’s fantastical nature. –The Editor

[2] It has been said that in the wild, turkey cocks ruffle their feathers at the sight of red. It has been my experience that the colour of green gives even greater effect.

[3] I translated the word “meore” in the original text as heart. Meore’s fuller meaning is that of ‘spirit, soul, being’ or at times colloquially as ‘love’. –The Editor

Just when things seem as though they can’t get worse, you lower your expectations so low that bad becomes normal. This is how Lost stayed on the air so many seasons.
Some worlds in some universes go to hell in a handbasket early–some naked people eating an apple for example. (Apple a day keeps the sin to stay, so they say.) Sometimes things go bad slowly. Like a Vikings football game.

And what better way to celebrate hopelessness than by getting married? That’s what Peleus and Thetis decided to do.
Peleus was a testosterone dripping rage-aholic with a self image problem and a national hero. Peleus was the strongest warrior of his time, which by all accounts was a pretty badass time. Imagine Mad Max meets the Toxic Avenger.
He decided to settle down and get married. Or at least get married. He’d let the settling down happen after he’d put some more years behind him. It was a cold and damp November afternoon when he proposed to Thetis, the multigendered naiad offspring of Poseidon. They were at the bottom of a lake when Peleus wrote on their communicating board: “You’re a great catch.” and handed zher a golden fishing hook with a pearl inset. Zhe said yes by flairing her dorsel fin and they immediately set a wedding date.

Their wedding invitations were sent by Hermes and his slightly slower brother Herpes. Because of the great number of invites to deliver, Hermes gave Herpes the task of sending all the letters in Ithaca.
Throughout Ithaca, the news of Peleus and Thetis spread like wildfire and Herpes.

Ulysses and Penelope were sunbathing on their veranda when Herpes appeared in a flash.
“Good day King Ulysses and Queen Penelope! I come bearing great news.” He handed them an invitation.
Queen Penelope opened the envelope and squeaked with joy “Uly, Thetis and Peleus are getting married!”
She handed the invite to Uly and while they ooohed and aaahed over the paper quality, Herpes asked to use the bathroom. ”Yeah, go ahead. Its just through the patio there.” Uly pointed. Herpes set down his messenger bag and trotted off.

“Wot’s this then?” Uly picked up a letter from the Messenger God’s bag.
It was a black envelope that smelled of desperation, backne, and beef jerky.
On it was written, “Eris”.
“OMG! Penny, come look!” Uly waved the envelope.
“Uly, I truly hope you aren’t getting any crazy ideas. Eris is the goddess of discord, strife, and general assholery!”
“It will make for a great prank. You see: I take Eris’ invitation and she gets pissed at Peleus and Thetis! I never did like those two. They think they’re such a great couple because they wear matching Hipster scarves.”
“i’ve always liked their scarves. And Uly–It’s always a bad idea to upset goddesses of animosity.”
Ulysses remembered the time he stirred up a hornet’s nest into the soup his mother was making and how the black buzzing cloud of stinging hornets looked when the pot was opened at the dinner table. He remembered how he once pre-emptively invaded a nation. He thought of the time he stepped on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, pulled the mask of the ol’ Lone Ranger and messed around with Jim all in one afternoon. Uly slipped the note into his bodice.

Penelope crossed her arms and in the distance they heard a toilet flush. “Uly, he’s going to know it’s missing! He’s going to find it on you!”
Uly thought. He always made an ugly face when he thought and Penelope wished he’d stop. “Aha!” Uly took a frame off the wall and placed the invitation in it before replacing it gently on it’s nail.
“I read about this guy once who was hiding a letter and he hid it on his wall! It was so obvious, it was the last place anybody thought to look!”
Penelope rubbed her forehead. In zipped Herpes. “I love your bath towels, you guys.”
Uly: Tell me Herpes–you’re basically The Flash from the comics right?
Herpes: Well, actually The Flash is basically me. But yes. Of course my brother Hermes too I guess.
Uly: Do you think the Speed Force enables The Flash to go to the bathroom really fast?
Herpes: Are you in a roundabout way asking if I can ‘number two’ in the blink of an eye?
Uly: Gods no! That would be rude.
Herpes: Then the answer would be no. Digestion is unaffected by the Speed Force.
Uly: Now, as ‘Messenger to the Gods’, does that make you a God or demi-god, or…
Herpes: I’m a God.
Uly: Wow. You’re pretty important. I bet your name is on everybody’s lips.
Herpes: Well. I dunno.
Uly: I mean, you really spread quickly. That’s gotta be tough. Getting around like that.
Herpes: It’s not so tough.
Uly: And how cool being so communicable.
Herpes: You mean communicative.
Uly: Sure.
Herpes: Look. I get what you’re doing. My name is Herpes so you’re making a joke. It’s not smart to piss of a God you know.
Uly: Oh! I wouldn’t do that.
Herpes: Then why did you steal an invitation from me?

Uly flushed. “I wouldn’t…”
“You forget I’m a patron to thieves. Where is the letter you purloined?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I ain’t never purloined nuthin’.”
“You put it in the picture frame. That’s brilliant.” Herpes pulled the frame off the wall and recovered the letter. “And the invitation to Eris nonetheless. You are in for some trouble, my friend.” Herpes shook his Godly finger and made ‘tsk tsk’ sounds.

An hour later Penelope strolled into the backyard and found Ulysses near the helipad cackling and waving Eris’ invitation.
“Uly! What happened!…Did you kill him? Tell me the truth.”
“How would a mere mortal kill a God, Penny? I mean one would have to know that a certain God’s power of speed didn’t affect their digestion and then they would have to have BBQ chicken with said God and then ask that God to go swimming in their pool and then ignore that God’s pleas of help when drowning with a bad cramp.”
“That’s how you did it!” She gasped.
“No. I offered him some meth. Turns out the ol’ Flash has a taste for the ice.”
Uly tore up the invitation and threw the pieces to the winds.
“There!” He said. “If that was a bad decision, may I eat crow.”
Just then a crow flew into his mouth.

h0m-R crooned before the Gods:

Ulysses sat at his giant desk slurping a lip scorching half caf mocha soy latte as his Number Four clone Gary paced back and forth on the koala skin rug.
“Ithaca’s opinion poll numbers are dropping, Uly. People are not happy with the direction the City is going. At this rate, we’ll have to open another gladiatorial arena next week.”
“How are our approval ratings among gladiators doing?”
“Bad. We losing at least one per performance.”
“Dammit. They’re some of my biggest voter base Gary!”
“Well…We could tell them to fight less….mortally.”
“No, that’ll never do. With all their forced video game playing regimens their agression levels are out of control at this point.”
Gary braced himself for either a tongue lashing or verbal abuse:
“Your Majesty…”
“Out with it Gary! I can see that you’re nervous. Remember I know you like myself.”
“Well, some of us have been thinking that we could work to improve your image…stir up voter approval.”
“That’s a much better idea than that crap you suggested last week…what was it?”
“The idea that you could change your policies to help the people of Ithaca?”
“Yeah. That was crap.”
“Admittedly, yessir. That was crap.”
“Change my image…Like lose weight?”
“Oh gods, Uly no! Just rebrand you. For example, we’ll release some official statements that you are ‘husky’ and ‘keeping up a healthy appetite’ stuff like that.”
“And what about when I piss on people’s legs?”
“We’ll tell them it’s raining.”
Ulysses put his fingertips together. “Excellent.”

A week later, Gary ushered into Ulysses’ office a tall thin woman with a face chiseled out of acid rain bleached stone.
“King Ulysses, the Great and Terrible!” Gary announced.
Ulysses pushed a few buttons behind his desk which triggered fireworks, a Pink Floyd lazerlight show, and the release of several dozen doves which were then quickly sucked up by the room’s hovering Roomba.
“If it pleases your Kingness, I offer myself and my services to you.” The woman bowed.
“I like where this is going.” Ulysses muttered and his Kowakian monkey-lizard court-jester Fallacious Crumb cackled.
“I am Clarice Starling. I am here to ask you some questions.” She said with an accent that sounded like a Wytheville Virginia IHOP waitress who’d been eating Silly Putty and downers throughout her graveyard shift.
“You must be from the advertising agency we hired to rebrand me! Welcome!”
Clarice tried to object, but before she knew it, Ulysses had her wrapped under his arm and was shuttling her out the door.

“Allow me to show off the beautiful land we call ‘Ithaca’.” Uly said grandly to Clarice as they slowly glided among skyscrapers in a golden gondola. “It is a land flowing with milk and honey. The milk has not been FDA approved yet, and ‘honey’ is what we call black tar heroin.”
“Mr. Groan…” Clarice started.
“Please, Clarice. Call me Uly.”
“Please, Uly. Call me Ms. Starling.”
“Please. Only platonic friends and professional relations call you Ms. Starling. I’ll call you Clara-Bell.”
“How long is this gondola ride and where is it taking us?”
“Life is about the journey. Not the destination. Or at least that’s what I tell my lizard monkeys when I take them to the veterinarian.”

They walked the parapets of the astronomy tower and gazed upon the shining city of Ithaca.
“Well Clarice–have the hams stopped screaming?”
“What?!”
“Your hams…hamstrings? Have your hamstrings stopped screaming after climbing all those stairs?”
“Oh. Then yes. They have.”
“Clarice, you’ve got to help me. My city is slowly turning on me. I’ve got to find a way back into their good graces.”
“What about your wife? Maybe you should first think of her. If you can have a healthy relationship with her, maybe other things will fall into place.”
“I married Penelope so I wouldn’t have to worry about personal relationships or my physical appearance anymore. She”ll stick by be through thick and thin. I’ve no doubt about that.”
Clarice held her gaze on him as his face congealed into stubbornness and self-chosen ignorance.

Later that night Ulysses and Penelope had retired to their bed chamber and were readying to get into their hybernation tubes. Penelope was reading a cheap romance novel and Ulysses was nursing a cognac from the breast of an alcohol servo-droid.
“How’d it get on at the office dear?” Penelope asked in her routine manner without looking up from the yellowing pages. 
“Horrible. Just horrible. It turns out the woman who was going to be our Public Relations and Marketing developer was really a Federal Agent investigating me for tax evasion.”
“Oh! That was how they finally got Al Capone.” She looked up albeit briefly.
“That’s what she told me too.”  
“So what happened?”
“The transporter beam got ‘accidentally’ turned off halfway through her trip back to Athens and now her brain is in a grecian urn and the rest of her is in a cask of amontillado.”
“Convenient.” She snorted.
A few minutes later….”Uly, why were you hiring a Marketing director?”
She met a silence which usually meant he was calculating a lie but this time was different: he was mustering resolve to tell the truth.
“The City’s opinion poll shows I’m down into a 70% approval rating.”
“Ulysses S. Groan!”
“I know. I know. That’s no way to rule as an iron fisted tyrant.”
“That’s not what I was going to say. Ulysses. I was going to say–It doesn’t matter what Ithaca thinks of you. It matters what you think of you.”
“Oh god here we go….” he muttered and Fallacious Crumb cackled from behind the folding Japanese changing screen.
“If you are doing the best you can for the people of Ithaca, then you have nothing to worry about. A clean conscience is the best reward.”
“I’ve got it….”
Penelope was about to smile when Ulysses finished his thought–
“We’ll find a way to go to war! Everybody loves a good ol’ fashioned war!”
“Oh god here we go…” she muttered and Fallacious Crumb fell asleep.

Penelope was not his first love or even his love. She was his wife.
In the morning he would walk with coffee in hand past her bedroom and peek in to see her lying there under mounds of horribly colored bed covers. Ulysses would then shuffle out to the front gate and pick up the morning paper with a grunt that grew louder with each year’s gained weight. Glancing at the above the fold, he would see how the world was winding down. When she awoke she’d find the paper laid next to her, with the articles critical of him clipped out. This warmed her as it said that he still cared what she thought of him.

She thought little of him. As most do their spouses. Any person cowardly enough to accept the terms of betrothal laid them at the uninteresting and tedious altar of ‘true love’. And Penelope could have none of that. What she did love of him was his complete disregard for sense. Some chose to be selective in their senselessness and this trait was called ‘romanticism’. For Ulysses, there was only nonsense. A strict and unrelenting diet of madness, selfishness, and brain melting illogic. This made him triumphant in her eyes, the perfect leader and King.

Penel0pe and Ulysses met in high school when they were bathed in hormones. It was a Tuesday during the weekly high school hormone therapy bath. Of course, like all people bound to get married, they were absolutely wrong for each other. For the first years of schooling together, they would pass each other in hall with their own judgments: Penelope thinking that his shoulders slumped too much and that his gawkish maw could only look forward to being framed in a Haz-Mat suit working on sewage spills. Ulysses thought her hips too narrow and her breasts too little.

It was only when their son Telemachus time travelled from the future and played electric guitar at their school’s “Enchantment Under The Sea” dance that they were magically if not temporal-paradoxically brought together.

Their first kiss happened in health class while they were participating in a ‘buddy check’ colonoscopy.
They laid on the classroom floor in the figure of a caduceus and fed camera cables into each other.
Ulysses’ eyes left the monitor and gazed into Penelope’s face. This is why here polyps went undetected.
“Come on, admit it. Sometimes you think I’m all right.”
Penelope jammed another two feet of cord into his rectum, pinching her hand.
“Occasionally” she grimaced, “maybe…when you aren’t acting like an ignoramus.”
“Ignoramus? Ignoramus? I like the sound of that.”
Ulysses began to massage her tender and puckered sphincter.
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
Penelope’s face flushed with anger.
“Stop that! My b-hole is dirty.”
“My hands are dirty, too. What are you afraid of?”
Penelope looked into his glazed and bloodshot eyes. “Afraid?”
Ulysses loosened up and, using his dextrous rectal control, sucked in another foot of fiber optic camera.
“You’re trembling.” He said, just over a whisper.
“I’m not trembling.”
“You like me because I’m an ignoramus. There aren’t enough ignoramuses in your life.”
“I happen to like people who are not douchebags.”
“I’m a person who is not a douchebag.”
“No you’re not, you’re…” But her words were silenced by his lips.
They kissed deeply, gently, full of ridiculuous teenaged tongue action.
Just then the Health Teacher Droid stepped over them announcing: “Children, children! Remember to isolate the reverse flux power coupling!”

She gave him the best years of her life. He gave her cold sores.
They shared in the best and worst life had to offer. The best: wealth and fame. The worst: culturally expected monogamy….That is at least for the first year of marriage before Ulysses found the most honest joy marriage had to offer–cheating.

Penelope knew that he had his ‘dalliances’. Everyone did. She appreciated that he tried to hide his mistresses in the same way she appreciated his saying “sorry!” when he heard her fall into a toilet whose seat he’d neglected to put back down.
He thought of her as a Queen: nice to bring to parties and show off to dignitaries.
She thought of him as a pet turtle. No fun to be around and the possibility of being killed by his poop salmonella.

It was the voting block’s expectations of a nuclear family that had brought them together, but in the end, it was their devoted love that kept them together.

Thus sang the bard: The Love Song of the King of Ithaca:

I.
The people of Ithaca worship I,
Gazing upon the TVs and computers lit up like sky
Like patients etherized upon dining tables;
And I guide them through half-deserted streets,
Ever muttering my sweet entreats
While hiding my steamy nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust bars, honky tonks littered with peanut shells:
The few righteous left attempt a tedious argument
Of pious intent
As if to lead me to feel mercy for the overwhelmed . . .
Now you ask me: “What is it to be King?”
Let us go and make our visit
follow me .

In our holo-deck foglets come and go
Talking of Michelangelo
The yellow fog of industrial waste– it pants on window-panes,
The yellow smoke that kills Ithaca groaning in birth-pains
Toxic flames lick like rabid fakirs into corners of the evening,
And government approved sludge slides into pools,
And I let soot fall from industrial chimneys,
Enjoying finery made by poor foreigners under the table on the cheap,
And yet see to it that I’m reelected come each November night,
With the people curled about my finger–in their delusions, asleep.

And indeed there will be time
There will be time to murder and sublimate,
Every last one of the Plebs who work and toil with hands
That live and die just to fill their child’s plate.
Plenty of time to rule by force or coersion
the masses confused and locked in indecisions,
…so long as the righteous are polite
and the prophets withold their visions.

II.
Mayhaps there will be time
To wonder, “Do I care?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and offend this unjust affair,
With a bald spot where once there had been hair–
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
And what has been called the fore-ordained order?
In a minute there is time
For a decision which could much evil reverse.

For I have known greatness already, known riches all:–
Have known the evenings, harems, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with silver spoons;

Then how should I begin
To spit out all the cigar butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume
That not under a worse tyrant than I the system resume?

Am I a Prince Hamlet bent towards bloody justice
that ends in only tragic silence
To end one type of cruelty appeal only
to another kind of violence?

Am I form of prophet a lonely voice
in the wilderness to Gods be wedded
and divorced of lust only to be beheaded?

No. I am but a Fool.
I grow old . . .I grow old . . .
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

I will grow a poet’s beard and heed what the children teach.
I will drink from the beggar’s flask, write sonnets on the beach.
I heed the gandy dancers singing, each to each.

And what of the sailors? Those laborers at sea?
I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Going off to fight wars I started and not coming back
And when they do, their hearts oiled black.

III.
Mayhaps I will linger yet at the altar of Me.
To enjoy my victory wreaths and wealth and reknown
Lest human voices wake me, and then surely I drown.

Thus saith the Bard:
A short time ago in a sea  far, far, away there was an island named Ithaca. It was not so very different than any other place. There were the normal goings about that occur in any city where the inhabitants secretly hate each other yet rally around the shared greater hatred for foreigners. People could say that it was a shining city on a hill if it weren’t for the coal ash besoaked walls and low lying anthrax clouds.
The whistle from the factory each day heralded another venture to the bar which softened the hard blow of returning home and the church bells signalled the rush to the colosseum to find out what the score was in the big Bears vs. Martyrs game. Life there was as simple as life can be which is to say it was as wretched and demeaning as ever, but supplied with enough wine and denial to keep procreation an acceptable life choice. 
Days went by without a care in Ithaca, at least within the privileged class. Afternoons found many a goat-fattened bottom planted in a dais, perched upon a veranda watching the wretched of the earth below. They drank their mint juleps and nibbled cucumber sandwiches while deciding which human emotion to seal off from their perview. Theirs was the life of luxury and they were envied by none.
In the shadow of their haciendas were the ever hunched and squatting masses, set about in their toilings and common violences which were the inspiration for religious saints and the subject of newspapers’ neglect. The poor of Ithaca were as the poor of anytime or place to theologians: But a dream appealed to feigning piety and a nightmare revealed by prophets to their shame. To the politician before the election they were the banner and after the election the toilet paper. To the middle class, they were their unadmitted equals, to the upper class their moral superiors.
Ithaca was a quiet place, a tranquil haven for respite and reflection during the breaks between army-conscription raids and parades honoring the glorious dead and unfortunate injured. All was well on the heavenly isle, the site of many epic poem and love ballad. 
Of Ithaca it was said,
“There is a mountain there, which a public works project aimed to craft into a volcano  
high Neriton, covered in forests. Its discharge rather than lava was to be the city’s effluvium
for its citizens nary minded being shat on so long as it was in grand style.
Many islands lie around it, very close to each other,
Doulichion, Same, and wooded Zacynthos–all a bunch of losers just sitting on unused oil–
but low-lying Ithaca is farthest out to sea,
towards the sunset, and the others are apart, towards the dawn and sun.
It is rough, but no one promised you a rose garden.”

Yes, there were many a song that left the lips of trollops concerning that wonderous land granted by Providence, espousing Liberty, and granting Hard Knocks.
To potential visitors, the chamber of commerce called gilding the lily what actual residents called polishing the turd. It was a stunning place to see and many who lived there couldn’t shake the stun from their faces.

There were many great monuments and gods and statues putting form to virtue but no greater figure existed than the living icon of the Great King, Majestic and Beardy.
He was a self-parodying simulacrum of ‘kingness’, a former Hollywood actor of chimp-hijinks cinema and baseball team owner. He was a modern cowboy and an anachronism in his own time. He stood as tall as a candy machine and dispensed Snickers when gut-punched.
He was King Ulysses S. Groan, man of little words and short sentences.
Born and raised within the 45 square miles of his home, he never intended to leave it.
And though he was a grand schemer, we all know about the best laid schemes of mice and men…
they’re gang aft a-gley.

Whisper into someone’s perfumed ear with heaving chest tomorrow’s weather report and find quickly the difference of classes of communication. What you say and its context matters. We affirm this by thoroughly despising the dinner party’s bore, the know-it-all, the gossip, the ‘did you see that squirrel?’ diarrhea mouth.
h0m-R’s choices of what type of story he should tell the gods fell broadly into the various genres of communication:

Fact: These are usually small units of information that are indisputable by the sensible and hard won by experiment. They are the favorite target of the insane, or the religious fanatic who will, by their very dispute call them ‘disputable’. (example: “The world is round.” “Well that’s debatable.” “No its not.” “Well I’m debating it right now, aren’t I?”) Facts are often mistaken for Truth or falsely believed to be like grains of sand comprising a sand castle called Reality. 
History: Is a narrative created from report, collective memory, evidences, and physical sciences. It is mostly wrong and closely associated with lies, myth, and marketing. From the mouths of the powerful it explains why they should be powerful and why they should be standing on your neck. In the hands of the weak it usually makes company with AK-47s. As the saying goes: Those who forget seventh grade history will be doomed to being passed along to be the 8th grade teacher’s problem.
Fiction: Real stuff that’s weird is said by some to be ‘stranger than fiction’. People who say this haven’t read much more than Marmaduke. Fiction is a broad category that involves most everything born of the fantasies of inadequate and chubby teens. Any piece of fiction can get passed as being ”based on a true story” so long as that true story involves Kevin Bacon.
Report: This is what someone says about what they experienced or believe. A ‘report’ is commonly assumed to be ‘fact’ when being told by a cult leader (“God told me to sleep with you…and your daughters.” “Help me out of this robe!”) But is assumed to be questionable rantings when told by a doctor (“You have your hands and feet stuck in a blender.” “I want a second opinion”). 
Autobiography: A blend of report and lies, autobiography falls into only a few types: 1) “I triumphed over hardship.” 2) “I triumphed over hardship to achieve greatness and you should buy my self-help tapes.” 3) “I am currently in rehab and will triumph soon but in the meantime please see my current movie playing in theatres where I play a frazzled mom who meets Hugh Grant.”
Lies: These are fun to tell, but even more fun to hear because they are exactly what we want to hear. No one has ever lied to displease others. (“Why did you tell me you slept with my sister?” “I thought I’d make your birthday memorable!”) Lies make up 95% of our day to day communication and we like it that way and it is usually ‘facts’ that cause us the most dread–like death, taxes, or our slow metabolism. 
Marketing: This is lies taken to a professional level. Corporations, politicians, and lovers specialize in marketing. They know exactly the lies you want to hear and you love them even though you know they are defrauding you of something.
Myth: This is a history in maturity. It is a fiction whose characters reach an almost divine status. There are many myths: Capitalism, democracy, altruism, tasteful uses for velvet, and the female orgasm.
Theology: Like the rule book for Scrabble. Unreadable, unfun, and only appealed to when some asshole wants to use acronyms or worship God through loving and tender intercourse.
Collective Memory: Will become myth in time, collective memory is a smattering of ‘report’ and ‘history’ and is taken as taken for granted. Includes: a) “Things used to be so bad–you ought to be more grateful”, and b) “Things used to be so good–you ought to be more ashamed” More important than collective memory is collective forgetfulness, which is an area the United States has bragging rights in.
Ritual: Accompanying the language of ritual is liturgy, chant, song, jargon, and magic. Of course, ritual is enacted story and most stories here involve a conclusion of bad coffee and smooshed donuts in the Congregational Hall.
Magic: This is a lie that is understood to be a lie by all involved parties and expressly undertaken as such. We enjoy magic because it successfully enables us to believe the unbelieveable–which religion so far has failed to do.
News: This is the industry of gossip. Lies and marketing converge with report. It is the idle talk of subway cars posing as knowledge of the world. If people were to for one day listen to the hopes and pains of others in their lives rather than read ‘the news’, the world would be transformed for the better.
Journalism: Is what news is often mistaken to be, but actually takes too much research, investigation, and thought to be profitable to Corporations or trusted by politicians. It is fearful to ingest as it often calls for accountability and responsibility. Its most common use is to be played on cabin AM radios as background noise while jarring pickles.
Secrets: Everyone loves secrets which are lies with the implication of trust. They abound in sects and secret societies. Even those uninterested in robes and infant sacrifice can be drawn into the fold with the hopes of learning the secrets of inner circle. Telling a person a secret is an intimate way to corrupt them–like kissing someone when your cold sores are active.
Madness: Messages that the powerful can’t deal with. This is the category of true prophets, insurrectionists, radicals, and aunts with cats.
Poetry: This is the most ‘true’ type of human communication. It is indefinable but there is no ‘bad’ poetry. There is only regretted poetry. Poetry is not what its creator calls it. It is outside the creator’s control and pours from some infinite and uncorrupted space between heartbeats. Seeing as humans are finite and corrupted, its origin and process are still indecipherable.

These options were discarded by h0m-R in favor for one last type of ‘story’: Improvisational. This he chose as it was the easy way out for scoundrels and no-talent hacks as failure in the realm of improvisation is not only expected, it is inevitable.

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