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January 19, 2012

Paleolithic Through The Iron Age: A History of What Was Before The Internet

Posted by Ryan McGivern under History
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Paleolithic Age
When: before 14,000 BCE (before common era)
What: Pre-cave dwelling
Why: Ugg and Ock waiting for cave prices to drop, getting by in a month-to-month field.

Mesolithic Age
14,000-10,000 BCE
Cave culture flourishing.
The ‘middle brother’ of prehistoric times, between the Paleo and Neo. Feels overlooked, despite cool primitive stone work.

Neolithic Age
10,000-4,200 BCE
Viva la Revolucion!
This revolutionary period began with the agricultural revolution (next time you eat brussels sprouts you can either
thank or curse the Neolithics) and ended with the development of metal working.
Crops and domesticated animals created a more stable, situated, and sedentary lifestyle leading many of the Early Copper Age to look in the mirror and say: “Boy, the Neolithic Age was hard on my waistline!”
Joke Of The Age: “Where’s Ukuk?…In his crude yurt ‘polishing his tool’! Hahahaha!”
Factoid of The Age: Polishing of tools in crude yurts.

Early Copper-Stone Age or Chalcolithic Age
4,200-3,300 BCE
Copper working slowly replacing stone tools.
A time of healthy exploration where many identified as ‘Bronze curious.’
Before you scoff at this age take note: horses domesticated and rocks wheeled–nuff said.

Early Bronze Age
3,300-2,000 BCE
“Civilization” arises, tea drunk with pinkies out.
Sumerians create cuneiform writing, Egyptians straight up make those fools look like punks with hieroglyphics.
The urbanization of Palestine [anachronism] occurs, old [anachronistic] Palestinians remember fondly: “There used to be an olive tree orchard there.”

Middle Bronze Age
2,000-1,550 BCE
The Egyptian Middle Kingdom
Arguments about who’ll be portrayed by Bella Lugosi.

Late Bronze Age
1,550-1,200 BCE
Hittite Empire
As empires go, “meh.”

First Iron Age
1,200-930 BCE
Assyrians come for dinner, stay to watch “American Idol” and then end up hanging out until like 11 o clock. What’s up with that?
Meanwhile folks in the Ganges River Valley are like: “Dude, we’ve been making iron for hundreds of years. Get over it.”
Dorians invade Greece, leading to Greek Dark Ages.
The Fall of Troy! (Approximately 1250 BCE actually) caused a migration of peoples from Greece and Mycenaean cities and traveled south. These folks were known collectively as “Sea Peoples” and one group were the ‘Peleset’ or Philistines–the name Palestine is derived from this.

Second Iron Age
930-539 BCE
The fall of Israel in 722 to Assyrian king Sargon. Wailing, rending of sackcloth.
The fall of Judah in 586 to Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon. Wailing, psalming, beating of chest.

Third Iron Age
539-332 BCE
Persian Empire. As empires go, “not too shabby.”

 

 

 

December 23, 2011

Timeline of Lies And Fabrications Before the Iraq War

Posted by Ryan McGivern under History, Justice, Love, Politics, Truth
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Here’s a great timeline found at Mother Jones detailing the failures of the Clinton and Bush administrations’ policies:
http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/12/leadup-iraq-war-timeline

A few of the highlights you’ll find in there:
Condi Rice lying about aluminum tubes
The main Iraqi informant “Curveball” was widely suspected to be feeding the US crap
Five hours after 9/11 attacks Rumsfeld was seeking to begin military action against Saddam Hussein
Bush administration’s approval of torture (and subsequent torture of innocent civilians)
Fabricated tales of WMD by Condi Rice, Cheney, et al

All in all, the pattern of falsified intelligence and the marketing of an unwarranted war by the Bush administration is
nothing short of criminal.
Happy Holidays everyone!

http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/12/leadup-iraq-war-timeline

 

December 5, 2011

Some Notable Dates In Western History

Posted by Ryan McGivern under History
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Here’s some events that happened!

Dates All Common Era
306 Diocletian abdicates, Constantine I claims Roman throne.
313 Constantine converts to Christianity (sees cross in sky, says Eusebius).
300s-400s Huns under Attila control Eastern Europe, Goths and Vandals weaken Roman Empire.
323 Constantine moves capital to Byzantium and renamed Constantinople. Division of Empire begins.
325 Nicene Council
334 Constantine makes Christianity state religion.
381 Council of Constantinople elaborates the Nicene Council’s condemning of Apollinarianism.
410 Visigoths sack Rome.
413-426 St. Augustine writes “De Civitate Dei.”
430 (circa) Anglo Saxons begin settling Britain.
451 Rome sacked by Vandal Genserio
476 Romulus Augustulus last Emperor of Roman Empire, gives throne to Odoacer, a Danubian German.
570 Muhammad is Born.
800 Charlemagne crowned Emperor of the West on Christmas Day.
1000 (circa) Leif Erickson’s Vikings reach Vinland.
1054 “The Great Schism” East and West Churches split.
1066 Norman conquest of England, William the Conqueror defeats the English at Hastings.
1096-99 The First Crusade, Jerusalem captured in 1099.
1147 The Second Crusade, Rallied by St. Bernard.
1163 Construction of Notre Dame begun.
1187 Saladin captures Jerusalem, leading to Third Crusade.
1194 Construction of Chartres Cathedral begun.
1202-4 Fourth Crusade
1218-21 Fifth Crusade
1228-9 Sixth Crusade
1248-54 Seventh Crusade
1270 Fifth Crusade
1267-73 Aquinas writes Summa Theologica.
1308-20 Dante’s Divine Comedy.
1337-1453 Hundred Years War between France and England
1347-50 The Bubonic Plague kills millions.
1378-1417 Later Great Schism, Rival popes in Rome and Avignon.
1429 Joan of Arc leads French victory at Orleans, has Charles VII crowned King of France.
1431 Joan of Arc burned for heresy.
1453 Turks sack Constantinople, collapse of Byzantine Empire.

 

Wow, things have happened!

 

October 19, 2011

The True and Romantic Origin of Valentine’s Day.

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Fiction, History, Love, Romance
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Saint Valentine’s Day is a very special day. Many people all over the world celebrate Saint Valentine’s Day. Big people, little people, old people, young people, pirates and gold prospectors all love the merry day. But not too many people know about origins of the holiday and the one who began it all.

This is the story of Saint Valentine.

There once was a very little boy who lived in a very little town. They were perfect for each other. The boy’s name was Steve and the town’s name was Valentine. Sometimes, people called the boy “Steve, you know, that kid from Valentine”. Steve was very shy which made the other little children feel uncomfortable around him and call him names like “Stink, the Ugly Kid”, or “Stink-Bomb-Ugly-Face”. This only made Steve even more shy. His mother would compensate for his state of social ineptitude by smothering him in maternal love and pastries. Before long, Steve had terrible blood pressure and an unhealthy attachment to his mother. Steve then left home at the tender age of thirty five to make a life for himself. “Goodbye mother, goodbye sweet, sweet pastries.” He said as he said goodbye to his mother and her pastries.

Steve went to the very big city that was by the ocean. Steve had always wanted to be close to the ocean ever since he first ate one of his mother’s homemade salt water taffies while school children chanted “Are you some horrific sea venturing creature?” over and over again. Steve wanted to get over being shy. Steve also wanted to be near the ocean. As a perfect solution, Steve joined the Navy. He looked very keen in his white dapper uniform.

Many times people would say to Steve, “You think you’re pretty hot stuff don’t you?” and he would give a little wink and a snappy salute and another little wink. His bunk mate on the boat would always say to Steve before a weekend pass at port, “Go have a great time, Rudolf Valentino.” And Steve would say, “My name is Steve for the thousandth time. But, strangely enough, I am from Valentine.” And then he’d give a little wink and a snappy salute and another little wink. While in the Navy, Steve formed three strong friendships: a seagull he saw once by an island, the picture of his mother that he had tattooed on his chest himself, and his pillow which he wet with bitter tears every night.

Finally, Steve shot himself in the foot with a harpoon to get out of the Navy. Steve returned to the big city by the ocean. Though his love for all things nautical had grown cold, he still enjoyed the briny smell and the memory of the seagull he’d seen. One day at a quiet out of the way bistro, Steve fell madly in love with an incredible little number called a “Frappie”. Steve admired the coffee based drink for its zing and its zip and was wild over its sass and attitude. It was at another not so quaint and not so out of the way bistro that Steve fell in love once again. This time it was with a woman named Candy. Steve approached her and asked for money.
“Get a job, you horrific sea venturing creature.” She said.
Steve liked her zing and zip.
Steve asked her what her name was:
“Candy.” She said.
Steve asked if that was because she ate a lot of candy:
“Actually, I can’t. I’ve got life-threatening diabetes. But thanks for bringing it up, puke face.” She said.
Steve liked her sass.
Steve asked her if she would marry him and she pretended to dry heave. Steve liked her attitude.

Their love blossomed over the next weekend and with Candy’s persistence, they soon married in a bistro that was near the bistro they had met in, but was more like the bistro Steve had met Frappies in. Steve and Candy soon had a large loving family.

Of their children, one they found in a basket left on the front porch, one they found in the oven and looked like a bun, one they found floating in a basket in the river, one was dropped down the chimney by a stork, and one just appeared levitating in their backyard and had no belly button.

“Looky here, Steve” Candy said, “We’ve got a whole week of kids!” This was because at that time there was five days in a week.
Steve said, “Let’s hope our huge and really loving family always stays just like it is and no one ever adds any days to the week so we can always say we’ve got a ‘week of kids’. We will always be together, in perfect, flawless matrimonial bliss. I love you Candy, more than any words a poet may pen. You are my life, Candy. I will love you forever.”

A week later, Candy left Steve for an out of work circus clown with a terrible, hacking cough.
“Why Candy? Why? Why?” Wailed Steve.
“I need a man who laughs at my jokes.” She said.
“Was that a joke?” Steve said.
“Nope.” She said.

Five days later, Steve’s children left him while they had told him they were going out to buy cigarettes. They left him a note on the kitchen table which read:

“Told you we were buying cigarettes. Partially true. We are, but we are never coming back. Please disregard every time we ever told you we loved you.

Yours truly, your children.
P.S. If you ever see Mom again, tell her we love her very, very much.”

For the next nine days, Steve’s whereabouts were unknown. Some said that he lived in a cave where he harbored a sick turtle with a low birth weight he called his “Precious.”

He later reappeared in Valentine only to find his mother had died the previous night in an attack of angina and four badgers and a bat. Steve felt very alone. Steve took to spending many lazy afternoons by Valentine’s river where in his eye one could almost see the reflection of the ocean. One day, a servant girl came to the river to wash her cruel master’s clothes. Her beauty was unparalleled and her hair the color of burning heather.
“Whatcha doin’?” Steve asked.
“Washing my cruel master’s clothes.” She said.
“Really?” Steve said, “That’d be cool.”
“Washing clothes in a river?” She asked.
“No, being a cruel master.” Steve said, watching her get a really tough stain out of a coon skin hat.
“Hey, that gives me an idea!” Steve said. “Whatcha say we get married?”
“Well…” She said, “you sure a different fellow aren’t you?”
Steve laughed and laughed. She stared at him silently.

Eight hours later the two were married in Valentine’s second oldest bistro which was not as nice as the other bistros, but served great scones. “They’re like big funny cookies.” Steve said.

Their marriage produced no children, nor did they have a home to call their own. Instead, they moved in with her cruel master who got along famously with Steve. As the two grew older, they only grew closer and could hardly be separated. When they played horseshoes, each would purposely miss each toss to save the other the terrible shame of losing. Also, each would lie if the other asked if they were getting fat. Apparently, in this matter she lied very well, for it was two months after their wedding night that Steve died of morbid obesity. It turned out that all the years of pastries and salt water taffy had weakened his metabolism and the scones were just too much for his belabored heart.

She was as faithful to him in death as she had been in life. She visited his grave everyday for the next three weeks of her life before finally being struck down in an attack of gout, a badger, a spider, a leprechaun, and a bat. In her last will and testament she requested that all of their meager belongings be given to Steve’s five children, should they ever be found.

All the townsfolk said of her in her passing, “That woman put up with him like a saint. The woman was a saint. A true saint!” Because of that, and coupled with the fact that no one knew her real name, she became known as Saint Valentine. Throughout the little town of Valentine all remembered her by celebrating the day Steve first met her by the river- January 21. However, through the years, two more days were added to the week, Tuesday and Friday, so the date is now correctly reckoned at February 14.

Children originally celebrated the holiday by leaving small wooden shoes by the fireplace, so that during the night “Saint Valentine” could throw the shoes into the fire to warm the house and the hearts of the young. Sadly, today the little town of Valentine is gone and the townsfolk have long passed away, but it is said that the story will forever be told as long as there is love.

 

May 19, 2011

Hey Teens! How To Be Like Bob Marley.

Posted by Ryan McGivern under History, How to, Justice, Love, Parenting, Politics, Pop Culture, Racism
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Bob Marley: Using Art Towards Peace and Justice

 Though Bob Marley passed away many years ago, his legacy and music continue to inspire young people all over the world. Why is this so? How can one person who was born into a poor small town have such influence?
Not only was Bob Marley a talented musician, but it was Marley’s quest and work toward for non-violence and social justice that made him a true superstar and inspiration.

Marley was single minded in his dedication to the people of Jamaica and Africa, but he also saw that there were changes that needed to take place throughout the world for true peace and justice. In his song “Revolution” he writes,

“Let righteousness cover the earth
like the water cover the sea…”

It is true that wherever there are people who are hurting or who are under pressure and oppression, they find a strong voice in Bob Marley to lift their hearts and inspire them to change their communities with positivity and art.

If you ask most people, they will tell you that Reggae music is the most well-known, or quintessential music of Jamaica. But this was not always the case!

In fact, Reggae did not enter into the Jamaican culture until the late 1960s. Just as great social change was occurring in the United States at that time as brave people struggled for the rights of women, African Americans, Labor Workers, so too was Jamaica experiencing a cry for change.

In Jamaica’s early history, the Spanish began to populate the country and brought with them African slaves. Later on, the British Empire established a colony in Jamaica and also brought slaves from Africa.
Jamaica saw many slave uprisings during the British colonial rule as courageous freedom fighters stood up against inhumanity and tyranny. Through these uprisings, small concentrations of free black people were eventually created throughout the island.
In 1832, thirty one years before the United States Government ended slavery, the British Empire abolished slavery—including on the island of Jamaica. Despite years of harsh and cruel treatment by the European White rulers, the freed slaves were strong in their pride and identity and they kept many of the traditions of African heritage, which was retained in their language, art, and music.

In the 1960’s Reggae music became a powerful expression of the African traditions celebrated by the people of African descent throughout Jamaica. Reggae was felt to be a rejection of European influence and a sign of proud heritage as they sang and played the sounds of traditional African music. The lyrics of many Reggae songs often are also highly politicized, which stems from the fact that reggae was developing just as Jamaica was entering a time known as the Cultural Revolution.

Although Bob Marley did not invent the sound of Reggae music as we know it today, Marley helped popularize Reggae music throughout Jamaica and the U.S. during the 1960s and 1970s. Marley’s music touched the longings of people striving for justice and human dignity. His songs dealt with strong themes such as peace and love and also his feelings about black oppression and poverty in Jamaica. Marley saw the power that art has to change people’s opinions and to bring hope to those who have been marginalized by society.

One of the main purposes of reggae music was to empower the Jamaican people and to help instill in them a sense of pride for their African heritage. During the Cultural Revolution of the 1960s, Jamaicans began to see themselves as culture unto themselves for the first time and they wanted to embrace those things that made them uniquely Jamaican. Reggae music was a large part of their effort to take back their culture. Marley’s music inspired and empowered the Jamaican people and showed them the way to lasting social justice was through non-violence and mutual love and respect between individuals and cultures. Although much of his songs were focused on the peace and love themes, he also politicized many of his songs. His songs that had a political bend or focus relayed his disdain for the Black oppression and poverty that was happening amongst his people in Jamaica at that time.

In 1976 violent clashes between two major political parties inspired Marley to play the Smile Jamaica festival with hopes of inspiring non-violent solutions among his people. A group of angry rioters were upset at Marley’s approach and decided to assassinate Bob Marley. Just days before the concert was scheduled, gunmen entered his family’s home, shooting Marley; his wife, Rita; and his manager, Don Taylor, in the middle of the night. Thankfully, they all survived, and despite his injuries, Marley did not let opposition stop him from his goal of bringing peace through art. Remarkably, Bob Marley performed at the festival just two days later, saying, “The people who are trying to make this world worse aren’t taking a day off. How can I?”

Bob Marley never let the troubles of the world dissuade him from his goals. He had a vision for his future and a great hope for the world. Marley knew that when courageous people organize together in non-violence and compassion, those people could achieve anything. While some might see the negativity of the world and become overwhelmed by it all, Bob Marley stayed positive and allowed the love of people and music keep his heart uplifted. In the song “Positive Vibration” he sings,
“Say you can leave that negative way
If you know what I mean
Make way for the positive day…”

Is Bob Marley’s legacy alive today? Yes. His memory lives on wherever people join together with a love for peace and justice. Many people continue to lift up the spirit of peace and justice through art just as Marley did through his music. Who knows? Maybe someday it will be your art that people will celebrate for its positivity!

 

January 26, 2011

Script: The Tailor’s New Emperor (a scene for three actors)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, History, Play, Script
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(scene is in a wide courtyard outside the palace striped with the shadows of arches. Emperor’s Spokesperson and Clipboard Assistant are addressing Rabble.)

Emperor’s Spokesperson: All right, settle down you rabble!
Rabble: (muttering)
Emperor’s Spokesperson: I’m going to count to ten. No three. I’m counting to three. Second to the last one to be quiet won’t be able to watch the next execution and the last one to be quiet will be executed! One, Two, Three…
Rabble: (still muttering)
ES: I don’t believe it! By Gods. Shatttup will you!
Clipboard Assistant: Maybe you could try a different approach.You know, sometimes you get more bees with honey.
ES: You mean pollen.
CA: Pardon?
ES: Bees make honey. But they want pollen.
CA: I’ve got your Epi-Pen in my fanny pack by the way.
ES: (to rabble) Look you mouth-breathing dirty-fingernail pyramid-making fly-gathering hoi polloi! Shut your mouths!
CA: You don’t understand these people. I grew up among them. All they hear all day is yelling and the snapping of whips. You’ve got to finesse the masses. Look, right here: rule number 4 of ‘Tyranny for Dummies’ (points at clipboard)
ES: (reads) “subtle coercion may not save you time, but it will save you your vocal chords.” Bah! That’s why we shoulda brought a bullhorn out here. Coercion.
CA: Think of them as a lovely person who’s eye your trying to catch at the supermarket.
ES: ….I buy a lot of baby food and diapers and tell them “I don’t have children yet”…and then stare at them as a conversation opener.
CA: Is that what you do?
ES: Well, I would if I shopped at supermarkets. I just have my servants place grapes in my mouth when I’m hungry.
CA: It is said that non-verbal communication is more important than anything you say.
ES: (pulls out a gun)
CA: Okay, you get points for trying, but watch….(gently puts down clipboard and tightens fanny pack and begins to strut back and forth like Mick Jagger in front of Rabble, after a couple of spins and high kicks Rabble’s attention is fully had.)
ES: Well done.
CA: (too out of breath to answer, just gasps and holds chest)
ES: (To CA) Maybe not their ‘attention’ so much as concern and sexual revulsion, but it worked! (To Rabble) Alright now you ragamuffins, gather ’round close. I’ve got an announcement to make here. Come on, that’s it you rabble!
Rabble: (shuffles within arm’s reach)
ES: Gah! Not lice-jumping close! Back up, Back up now! I’m not a horse whisperer. Can’t you see my assistant here needs air? (Rabble shuffles back a few steps) Alright. Now. I am the Emperor’s Chosen and Most Honorable…
Rabble: Which?
ES: Which what?
Rabble: Which whom, I mean. Which Emperor’s?
ES: Well, the new one of course! Emperor Glorious Sun…As I was saying…(to CA) what was I saying?
CA: You’re the Emperor’s Chosen and Most Honorable…
ES: Most Honorable Messenger.
Rabble: Like a carrier pigeon.
ES: (trying not to be flustered) A bit like that. But my cage is huge okay. Huge. And pretty ornate.
CA: And a lovely little swing in the corner. The envy of the court really–
ES: So I have here with me a royal pronouncement from your Emperor, the Great Glorious Sun! (holds out hand towards CA)
CA: (gives ES ‘five’)
ES: No, the pronouncement!
CA: (looks frantically through the clip board looks up frightened and shakes head ‘no’)
ES: (whispers) You forgot it?
CA: (whispers) I don’t know!
ES:  (whispers) A true answer I have no doubt. But our choices are A) you never brought it to begin with,or  B) you lost it between here and Starbucks.
CA: I may never have had it.
ES: Papyrus. Roll of it about six feet long and rolled up and tied in a silk ribbon. Ringing any bells?
CA: Sarcasm is an ineffectual teaching tool and a poor characteristic in leadership.
ES: Now I’m getting pointers from Captain Senility over here. Brilliant.
Rabble: (whispers) Sarcasm is the easiest form of comedy and an unflowered form of its superior relative, irony.
ES: (sarcastic) Good thought, that! Good. Yeah, thanks… Just you stay out of this, you scamp. (to CA in whisper) I’ll just do the bullet points. No problem. I got it up here. (points at head)
CA: remember: finesse!
Rabble: And a lyrical turn of phrase and some interjections of humor wouldn’t hurt. You know. To keep our interest. Lift our hearts a bit.
ES: (ignoring them) Rabble! Hear me and fear! Tremble and weep!….Garbage collection will not happen this Tuesday because of the Winged Serpent Holiday, but will occur as normal for everyone on Wednesday. So plan ahead for that. And also…Woe To Those Who Speak Ill Of The Dread Thunder God Morthax! Morthax Hears All and Sees All As Patron Deity Of Our Empire!…The Children’s Museum will be having  a special exhibit beginning this week and on through the month featuring the shrunken skulls of state prisoners. As always, children and seniors have free admission. And now a word from our sponsor….(to CA in whisper) who was it again?
CA: Wooden Shovels.
ES: Wooden Shovels!
Rabble: (in a sing song jingle) Wooden Shovels can’t be beat/They make your holes and piles look really neat/
ES: Holes and piles, really?
Rabble: They’ve got a wooden stick and a wooden scoop/you can use ‘em for mud or most any kind of….
ES: Thank you Wooden Shovels! Alright, now on to the serious business….Look, we all know that in the reign of the last Emperor, whose name I won’t even waste my breath on–
CA: Humble Servant of The Socialist People’s Commune.
ES: (shoots CA an angry glance) During their reign, things around here got a little shall we say lax. Now. I know that you can do it. This work, this back breaking, slave driving, soul withering labor is what you were literally born and bred to do. So let’s do it. And let’s put a little pride in our work. When fanning a State Official with ostrich feathers would it kill you to smile?
Rabble: Its just I’ve lost most my teeth…
ES: Closed mouth, man. Closed mouth. (To CA) Show ‘em.
CA: (smiles weakly with pursed lips)
ES: And let’s use you as an example. (points at Rabble) What do you do?
Rabble: I’m a tailor by trade but really, I’ve always thought of myself as a musician really. I’m classically trained.
ES: Okay, tailor. Ol’ Tailor here is making…
Rabble: Fitted undergarments, padded bras, crotchless underwear,
ES: That is specific. Got a niche market do we? Burlap in this season is it?
Rabble: Burlap was last season. Everything now is yak hide or nothing.
CA: He really is quite good. I’m wearing him right now.
ES: (flustered momentarily) Okay so Tailor here, perfect example of a patriot who is working hard for the Empire. Kudos to you. But!..You’re gonna have to work harder. I’m sorry! Hey! Don’t blame the messenger. Its just that right down the Nile river a ways, they’ve started work on wheel technology okay. Now we’re playing catch-up.
Rabble: You might say we were asleep at the wheel.
CA: That’s good.
ES: Puns are the worst form of humor and an unflowered form of their superior relative: the double entendre.
CA: Meow.
ES: The point is, in today’s economy we’re all going to have to pitch in and work a little harder.
Rabble: Easy for you to say.
ES: Pardon? Can you say that a bit louder? Or was it not that easy to say?
Rabble: You’re telling us to pull ourselves up by our boot straps but I broke my last pair of boot straps trying to hang myself with them. All you do is come out here every week and tell us what to do and how we’ll have to work harder because the rich don’t want to pay taxes anymore.
ES: You want to try? You want to try my job for a minute? I bet you won’t last a minute. 
Rabble: You got it! Let’s do it. (they switch positions and Rabble imitates the mannerisms of ES) Lift a rock! Dig a ditch! Hail whichever Emperor we have this week! Blah Blah!
ES: Ahh, beginner’s luck.
CA: You’re pretty good! (swats away something) Ah, a bee!
ES: A bee?
CA: (stabs Rabble with the Epi Pen)
Rabble: Gah!
ES: Not him, you idiot!
CA: Sorry, I got confused!
ES: Oh! (slaps at bee, its too late) Oh, cruel fate! (slumps to ground dead)
CA: I just wanted to say I really enjoy your work.
Rabble: My public speaking–
CA: Well that too, but your tailoring I mean. I’m wearing your Sleek Line Lift And Tuck series right now.
Rabble: Well, you look great in it. That’s not all my doing. A glass blower can’t make the delicious wine that’s poured into it, you see.
CA: (blushing) Well…
Rabble: That’s it for the news today?
CA: Well just that there’s maurading hordes at the gates.
Rabble: That’s going to be tough news to break to the rabble.
CA: Ahhh, they’re used to it. We’ll just outfit you with a war drum, a saber to rattle, a flag, and a copy of the ’Us Versus Them’ speech.
Rabble: Say, about the Emperor…Do you think I could meet him? (excited)
CA: Oh, him? That’s just an image of a giant head projected on a screen that gets switched up every now and then. Keep things fresh.
Rabble: I have so much to learn.
CA: Its not easy controlling the masses. You think I want to wear a fanny pack?  
 


 

September 16, 2010

D.B. Cooper Sighting!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Adventure, Future, History, Magic, news, Travel, Videos
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http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/weird/Witnesses-Watch-Person-Free-Fall-From-the-Sky-102976854.html

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, NEW JERSEY–Time/Space Continuum travelling enthusiasts were given reason to celebrate this week when famed wormhole explorer D.B. Cooper was sighted over a New Jersey strip mall.

“This has reignited interest in Cooper’s work and we are confident that Mr. Cooper made this appearance to garner attention to our upcoming TARDIS race.” Said Eunice Macklethwait III, president of the London based Quantum Travelling Club.

File:Dbc.jpg

D.B. Cooper, last seen falling from the sky over rural Pakistan in 2005, completed his fifty seventh midair appearance at 3:20pm Tuesday, September 14. Many are saying it was his best. 

Lionel Musgrave II, a longtime D.B. Cooper fan excitedly took readings of anti-matter and sampled ectoplasm near the Egg Harbor site. “This was great. A very understated and subtle free fall. It is a testament to his growth as not only a time/space traveler, but as an artist.”

Musgrave has been witness to several Cooper Falls.

“I was there for St. Petersburg in 2001. I was there for the ’94 Antartica fall. I have got to say that Egg Harbor, while off the beaten path, is a great choice. An inspired choice. Have you tried the Italian food around here? To die for.”

Cooper’s journey began November 24th 1971 when he jumped from the back of a commercial airliner to explore a Time Rift. Many shamans and physicists agree that unknown to Cooper, the rift had become corrupted in part by mysterious rays from Mars and the nightmares of children. It is widely speculated that Cooper then would have faced the judgment of Time Lord Xazthus, Sovereign Ruler of Sector 2814.

In the text considered authoritative on Cooper’s travels, Fall From Grace,  author Dr. Victor Maze writes:
“After facing Xazthus and having his soul weighed and found wanting, Cooper was condemned to ever fall through open space and infinite time.”

Spectators in Egg Harbor remain gathered near the strip mall, days after the sighting, with high hopes for another glimpse at the world’s most handsome and damned time traveler.

 

March 29, 2010

African American Passover

Posted by j.j. under History, Racism, Thoughts
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I hereby propose a federal holiday of remembrance, an annual dinner to tell the story of slavery in the US.  It could perhaps be held on September 22nd, the date of Lincoln’s first Emancipation Proclamation, although perhaps the date shouldn’t honor a white man.

Lets tell the story of slavery and racism in America every year so we’ll never forget.

 

March 13, 2010

The Odyssey of Ulysses S. Groan (Part 16: All Tomorrow’s Parties)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Fiction, Future, History, Ulysses S. Groan
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The time had come for the wedding feast of Peleus and Thetis.
Everyone throughout the Greek Isles had clicked “attending” on the Facebook event page and their coordinated eye-clock implants were flashing their “drink a lot of water today because you’ll be hitting the bottle hard tonight!” alert.

Everyone that is except for Eris, goddess of discord, strife, and straight up assholery. She was alone in her highrise apartment looking over Ithaca and muttering to her cats between huge bong hits. (Unfortunately for so many, she did not know that indeed she had been invited but her letter had been purloined by the wily prankster King Ulysses.)
As she blew her mind on gooey Peruvian buds, time expanded and she sunk into wide hammocks between the now sluggish seconds. It was there that she concocted up a revenge to wreak upon the unwitting and undeserving Peleus and Thetis.

The party was just four hours away and in their shining castle, Ulysses and Penelope Groan gussied up for wedding.
Penny: Uly, what are you wearing tonight?
Uly: Oh, I dunno. I think probably my sport jacket and slacks.
Penny: You don’t know yet? Uly, we’ve got to get going if we’re going to make it there on time!
Uly: We’ve got plenty of time. (He scrolled through video sites in his neuro-Net uplink)
Penny: Time is one thing we haven’t got. It’s got us. Uly, time is ticking. What are you wearing?
Uly: We’ve got like four hours!
Penny: It starts at five. We’ve got to get through blimp traffic, we’ve got to park, we’ve got to get dressed,…add all that up and we’ve got like an hour. And you haven’t shaved! You are shaving.
Uly: That takes me like a minute.
Penny: You’re not using your electric.
Uly: Two minutes then. Look at the hourglass there. We’ve got plenty of time.
Penny: I’m looking at the hourglass and you know what I see? Time slipping away. Time is one resource that devours itself. I don’t want to be the last ones there. Uly! Are you even listening to me?

And of course he wasn’t. He was thinking of the onetime universal of human mortality. Since the perfection of anti-aging and anti-degradation gene therapies and nano medicines of 2033, the perpetual extension of human life had thrown time into a wholly novel light. People could now say, “I’ll climb Mount Everest someday” and really mean it because in the course of their lives they could easily fit in multiple summit excursions of every mountain in the world. Ulysses had a hard time feeling rushed for anything now that he was facing at least a millenia of napping and snacking.

After much pacing, yelling, scrambling, and fretting, Uly and Penny finally stepped out to their blimp garage, high upon a parapet in the clouds. Pulling the lines up and readying the fan engines were two of Uly’s clones, Gene, and Splice. “We hope you two have a great time!” said Gene as they slowly pulled away from the docking station.

Uly: I’m really not looking forward to this wedding. All of Thetis and Peleus’ friends are…
Penny: What? Young?
Uly: Hipsters.
Penny: I think they have nice friends. 
Uly: There’s only so many conversations I can have about roof gardening and fixie bikes, Penny.
Penny: You be on your best behavior. Better yet, be on my worst behavior.

Uly was worried that they would be arriving too late to the party. He knew the secret to arriving to a party is to arrive late but not late enough that the attention has moved away from the door and second glasses of wine could dampen welcoming applause. He ordered the DriverBot to drop some of the sandbags off the side of the blimp. Forty pounds of sandbags then crushed Prav Drashi, a nine year old working family’s son. His family, being working class made the most of their loss by using the sand to make a sandbox for their other son. “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” The late Prav’s mother whispered to herself as she combed her fingers through the sand.

The blimp settled into a slipstream and gained speed. A flock of unsuspecting birds were made into downy puffs as the silent blimp’s propellers whisked the sky. One lone surviving bird, a DodoBot, landed on an open window sill where Ulysses was smoking.
“Oy, you just made mincemeat of me mates.”
“Mincemeat? That’s a Christmas thing. No thanks.”
“Shite, man. You just killed me fiance! Me family, me friends!”
“You know what they say, When God closes a door, He opens….”
“Not me man. I don’t buy that God shite. I’m no pleb!”
Ulysses realized he was dealing with a more acute mind than most Ithacans (or is it Ithacians?).
“Look, bird.”
“The name’s Chup.”
“I’m King of Ithaca…..Ulysses S. Groan. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I’m late for an important party.”
“Funny. I was on me way to an important party too. Me wedding!”
“That is funny! We’re going to a wedding too. Some friends of ours. And we’re late.”
“I get it. Sure. You have the liberty to kill anything  in your way. Because you’re late.”
Ulysses, getting perturbed by this upstart said “Listen, birdbrain. You probably don’t even know what time is let alone the importance time can have to a King. My time is very valuable and I don’t have a lot of it!”
The DodoBot looked down and saw far below the tiny riverside chapel he should have been slipping the ceremonial ring around his husband’s finger and by a miracle found the patience to say:
“Yes, your time is short, King Ulysses. Because you decide it to be so. Your busyness burns time like chaff. You may think that us birds live short lives but that’s not so. A bird lives twice as long as any bio-human. You wish to know why? Because each moment counts to a bird. Even when we sleep we’re holding the preciousness of life in our hearts–knowing that any number of predators or the cold could kill us in our sleep. Why you think we sing wit’ such loud voices at the smell of dawn?…Your life will be shorter still because of your lack of wisdom, King Ulysses. You imagine yourself so keen, so wily–like a fox. Well, that will be the end of you. And a good riddence twill be. I’ll be off to mourning me fiance and loved ones and living the life I love so dear. And I’ll let you get back to your waste of time you call a life.” And with a single flap Chup was gone. 
“What was that?” Penny asked as she approached from the bar, Mai Tai clinking in hand.
“Not exactly the bluebird of happiness, but something close.”

The steps to the front gate were littered with empty champagne bottles and there were street children scratching at the dirt like chickens for the chance of a dropped rock of crack cocaine. Peleus’ guards would kick an absent-minded foot at the children inbetween drags from their cheap Slavic cigarettes. The King and Queen were unrecognized by the guards and the doorman also, despite Ulysses’ throat clearing and adjustment of his crown.
“This is how Jesus must have felt! These assholes!” Ulysses thought.
“I love that I can live among my people as simply the proud citizen I am.” He said to an unfooled Penelope.

Inside the party was well underway and Ulysses swore under his breath. Penelope leaned to his ear, “I told you we were gonna be late.” Much of the partiers had moved to the kitchen and were comparing tattoos as a few hipster chemists worked furiously with a funnel pouring shots of whiskey into Red Stripe bottles. “What’s up douchebags?” Ulysses yelled into the linoleum floored kitchen. Only a few heads came up with accompanying “Yeah!”s.
Just as Ulysses was slumping into a party-ruining funk, out of the crowd came the requisite hispster party Lover.
(The Lover is noted for their choice of overly warm looking clothes, non-sexual demeanor, and lingering hugs.)
This one was named Cupid and he held Ulysses in a bearhug for eight seconds.

“And Penny! Welcome.” Another long hug. “You guys look so good. It makes me feel good just to see you two.”
“Great man. Say, are Peleus and Thetis around?”
“I think they’re in the bathroom. Peleus took some bad mushrooms and Thetis is in there helping him out.”
“Cool….I mean, bummer.” Ulysses rubbed his beard nervously as he was horrible at hipster communication and etiquette.
They were left alone when Cupid left to attend to some minor dieties whose drinks were empty. (“Let me get it! You’re drinking white and you’re red? Okay!”)
A pale looking guy in a tight turtleneck approached them. “This is the cool group over here huh.”
“Uh…” Ulysses looked to Penelope hoping she could help out.
“You guys just checkin’ things out. On the periphery.”
“No, we just got here and were just about to get something to drink. My name’s Ulysses and this is my wife Penelope.”
“Don’t sit on the couch.”
“What’s that?”
“That couch. Its super buttwarm. Diana was just sitting on it and its so hot it feels wet.”
“She’s a Goddess, man.” Ulysses said with still a friendliness in his voice.
“Yeah, and I’ve got hemrrhoids that are sensitive to extreme degrees of buttheat. So fucking what?”
Penelope stepped forward a step, “My name is Penelope, Queen of Ithaca and this is Ithaca’s King Ulysses.”
“Yeah, I heard him the first time.”
“I don’t know if we’ve met before, friend.” Ulysses said icily.
“Yeah. We have like three years ago at a party Hades had at his cabin.” 
“I’m not sure I remember you actually. Maybe you didn’t make a big impression.” Said Ulysses, chest inflating.
“That’s too fucking bad for you, friend, because I’m the Earth-Shaker. Hades’ brother…Poseidon. God of the Sea. Nice crown, asshat. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

Ulysses ran to the bathroom, pushed the vomiting Peleus and the attending Thetis aside and threw up in and around the toilet.

 

February 9, 2010

Our American Presidents: Leadin’ It Like Whoa.

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, History, Politics
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George Washington: This tall gent cut his teeth racing horses. Not impressed? How about if I told you he raced horses that were on fire? True. Also true: Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. First president of the US of A and set the gold standard for being an Executive strength sex addict.

John Adams: Less admired brother of Samuel Adams who bottled an early non-alcoholic horse hoof beer. John Adams never really wanted to be President but after college he took the first job he could get and just ended up “stumbling into a career path.”

Thomas Jefferson: After a long and difficult life, finally moved on up to the East Side in an apartment in the sky. Owned over 600 slaves and had an annoying goofy looking white neighbor. Not the first nor the last, but perhaps the most blatant white supremicist President.

James Madison: Led the country during the War of 1812. Spent most of his two terms trying to remember who America was fighting against in the war of 1812. Usually guessed Portugal. Spoke so well that people would say of Madison that he “was a fast talking car salesman sonofabitch.” Loved cabbage.

James Monroe: Dying words were “Name a high school after me.” First words were: “mama up.” and first sentence was “Name a middle school after me.”

John Quincy Adams: Son of former President John Adams. Would regularly consult father on how to run a country and if he made him proud. Never made his father proud. Would regularly have his heart broke when he overheard people say “Here comes John Adams! Oh, shit. It’s the Quincy one.”

Andrew Jackson: Hailed from the great state of Tennessee, or as it was known at the time: Tennnessseee. Coined the term for a sex move he invented calling “the missionary position with the lights on.”

Martin Van Buren: Known to allies as “The Little Magician”, his best magic trick was sawing people in half and that wasn’t really magic, but just a saw and earplugs to drown out the screaming. Had sideburns the size of my ass. Was the Anakin to Aaron Burr’s Obi-Wan. Or vice versa. Did magic tricks with his genitals including the ”mangina”, “the hippo”, “the noose”, “the time warp”, and “the Executive Privilege.” Died when his sideburns got caught in the anchor of a whaling ship.

William Henry Harrison: Middle name was “John David Michael”. Known to his friends as “Ol’ Strong and Healthy” and to his doctors as “A Fucking Walking Deadman”. Last President born under British rule and first President to give up and die while in Office like a coward.

John Tyler: Was afraid of the dark. Utilized Andrew Jackson’s ”missionary position with the lights on”. Won the annual “Ichabod Crane Look-a-like” contest. Was afraid of his own voice which resulted in him spending hours saying. “Did you hear that? Ohmygawd. Did you hear that? What is that? Holy shit what is that? There it was again. Again.”

James Knox Polk: Led the country during the Mexican-American war. Was often wracked with guilt because he loved Mexican food. Was caught by the Secret Service entertaining burritos in his private quarters but the incidents were covered up for political expediency.

Zachary Taylor: Twelfth President of the United States from 1849-1850. Best. President. Ever. One can only imagine how awesome America would be right now if he wouldn’t have eaten that tuna salad. Called “Ol’ Rough and Ready” until his death when he became “Ol’ Rough”.

Millard Fillmore: What a douche this guy was. Seriously. Millard Fillmore pfft. This guy. Fillmore ate the ass of a donkey big time.

Franklin Pierce: Had a vision of a transcontinental railroad that was shut down by the horse and buggy lobby. Had the desire to establish hospitals but succumbed to the powerful dysentery lobby.

James Buchanan: Jimmy Buchanan was just plain adorable. He would often ride his bike down Pennslyvania avenue trying to do “pop a wheelies”, pulling up on his handle bars futilely with his skinny little arms. Once he fell into the swimming hole and his border collie jumped in and pulled him to safety. When that ol’ dog died, Jimmy never smiled the same way again.

Abraham Lincoln: Orchestrated the terror plot against the President of the Confederate States, Jefferson Davis. For his sedition and treason, Lincoln was found guilty and executed.

Andrew Johnson: A curly haired orphan who had a lot of spunk. I hate spunk. Was saved by his Sikh servant while dangling from an office desk in a TV station.

Ulysses S. Grant: Had a desire to be loved most of his life. His sick obsession to be loved led him to meditate seeking to tame his ego, fill the void in his heart with religion, and love himself as though that would help. Also avid antisemite.

Rutherford Bircher Hayes: Was the body of an unsuspecting barber taken possession of by a demon named Khazzol. Spawned several hundred imps per egg-sack deposit. Would let out blood curdling screams when he was busy curdling blood for his blood cheese making hobby.

James Abram Garfield: Shot in the heart and Guiteau’s to blame–he gave love a bad name. Garfield was then set in a ‘sunny spot in the garden’ to heal him from his gunshot wounds. Doctors were surprised when it didn’t work. Was later resurrected on the third day only to be runover by the first bicycle.

Chester Alan Arthur: Won “Racist of the Year” award only four times despite his efforts for more.

Grover Cleveland: Was the first Muppet elected to Presidency. Red flat lips never made sense since they were connected directly to his hinged jaw. Gave friendly advice to children in turtlenecks.

William McKinley: You got a problem with William McKinley? Because he will hurt you. You want some of this? Thought so. I thought so. What? Kicking the shit of Spaniards is what this hurt machine was made to do. What? Oh! Oh my god! You shot him! This shit can’t happen to McKinley! That’s Garfield’s thing man!

Theodore Roosevelt: Ate glass. Pooped silverware. Rode horses and punched snakes. His safe word was ”bully”.

William Howard Taft: New Mexico and Arizona became states while Taft ruled from his throne made of skulls. He ruled with an iron fist with bacon gripped in it. He never forgave himself for letting Arizona into the union.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson: Allowed women the right to vote just to get the waitress at Perkins to sleep with him.

Warren Gamaliel Harding: Loved a good pickle. Had a tattoo of a pickle on his belly, just below his panty line, of which he was later embarrassed.

John Calvin Coolidge: Originally from North Dakota but moved to West Egg, when he became filthy rich through bootlegging. Had a horrible obsession with Daisy Fae Buchanan.

Herbert Clark Hoover: Prided himself in being a “normal, down home kinda guy” by which he meant that he was racist. Looked out the window one day and saw a Great Depression and had his windows painted over.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: His safe word was “Tomorrow”. Never consummated his marriage with Eleanor, which was fine with him.

Harry S. Truman: His motto was: “Speak softly and carry the loudest most ungodly murderous stick ever.”

Dwight David Eisenhower: Totally threw in the towel on Korea. He started to do a jig saw puzzle once but quit with two pieces left. Never finished getting his GED. Used coitus interruptus.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy: Appeared in weirdly colored home movies which for some reason only ever had somber music playing softly. 

Lyndon Baines Johnson: Passed Civil Rights laws into effect. All Presidents, living and dead, shivered.

Richard Milhous Nixon: The 37th President could sweat at will. Fed off the psychic energy of children’s nightmares.

Gerald Rudolf Ford: The Pete Best of Presidents.

James Earl Carter Jr.: Believes in Santa to this day. The son of a  brazil nut farmer, Jimmy later played down his families’ occupational heritage because of the shame. “Brazil nuts are always the grossest nut in any mixed nut assortment.” He stated in his Presidential acceptance speech. “I uh…was the son of a peanut farmer.” He lied to cheers of adoration. 

Ronald Wilson Reagan: The Great Cunnilinguser

George Herbert Walker Bush: Favorite movie is “Coyote Ugly” because “finally someone is telling my story.”

William Jefferson Clinton: He did not have sex with that woman.

George Walker Bush: Jesus wept.

Barack Obama: Deciding on how to reveal that he has been injected with Super Soldier Serum.

 

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