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March 16, 2008

How To: Horse Whisper

Posted by Ryan McGivern under How to, Play, Psychology, Questions
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I have always wanted to enter the tutelage of a horse whisperer.
I think that those equine shrinks could really help me expand my necromancy
to include deep conversation with Secretariat.
My nickname growing up was “Barbi Benton” while I was a baby, “Wet Bed McAsshole” when I was a toddler, “Late Blooming Onion” when I worked at TGIFriday’s, and “Platypus Sack” when I worked at “Outback Steakhouse”.
I had always wanted to be called “Stallion”, but I would have settled for “Mare”.
Is it wrong to love horses? I don’t think so.
Is it wrong to hit a lying down cow with a tractor?…Well, yes. Probably. But that’s beside the point.
As I have now made at least 30 dollars during my six months of sperm donation (A lot of my samples have been tainted because I add tap water to my sample cup to impress the lab workers) and I’ve thought: “Maybe I should start a sperm bank of my own!” And then I started thinking: “Maybe I could combine my love for making money off sperm with horses!”
Eureka.
I went by the fortune teller shop that’s near my acting class and I stopped in real quick to get some pointers on how to spiritually connect with horses.
“What is your spirit guide?” She asked me.
“I dunno. Platypus?”
“And you want to tell the futures of horses? Like for betting purposes?”
“No. I didn’t even think of that! I’d just thought I could make some quick dough off of horse sperm donation.”
“Oh, like a stud farm for raising horses?”
“No. I didn’t even think of that! I’d just thought I could make some quick dough off of horse sperm donation.”
I didn’t get much more help from her since she asked me to leave then, but I think I got at least one good idea: Crystal balls look awesome.
How this will tie into my idea for a unicorn dating service, I’m not sure.
(My business model is an escort service that would employ outcast Amish and excommunicated Jehovah’s Witnesses and dress them in Unicorn suits. They would then give massages that would barely comply with state and federal laws.)

Suggestions on how to summon the spirit of a dead horse, psychoanalyze farm animals, get rid of scabies, or convince those who have been ostracized from religious communities to join you in an uncertified massage/dating service are appreciated.

Ryan McGivern

Best Damn Horse I Did Ever See:
http://www.secretariat.com/
Worst Damn Critter I Did Ever Have: http://www.metrokc.gov/Health/prevcont/scabies.htm

 

March 12, 2008

Mindflowers.net: Your Source For How To Think

Posted by j.j. under How to, Miscellaneous, Parenting, Search
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NEWSFLASH!! Mindflowers.net was recently voted The 2009 Most Influential Website on the Internet, beating down such luminaries as Foxnews.com and ReserveASpotInHeaven.com (poll sample deduced from a 2am post-coital conference call between three Mindflowers.net staff members; margin for error: plus or minus 69%).

So how did our speckle of a blog achieve such a dubiously distinguished honor? The answer is as simple as tic-tac-toe: gratuitous and strategic toilet humor. That’s right lads and lasses, during our six month lifespan we’ve intentionally spattered triple x speak throughout our wit, style and wisdom offerings. As a result, Mindflowers attracts plethoras of horny and confused web-surfers, and then our words proceed to change lives!!

And now, without further hesitation or commercial break, the moment your groin area has hankered for since you were twelve, our unveiling of the TOP TEN GOOGLE SEARCHES LINKING TO MINDFLOWERS (in non-chronological order):

8. best place to find cum filled condoms
1. how to film your wet dream
5. Adam and Eve having sex
10. Carolina girls sweeter than iced tea
3. I love being goddamn Batman
6. masturbating standing up
8. pictures of men giving birth
2. Mitt Romney is a God
7. drunk unicorns
[DRUM ROLL]
…and now, THE NUMBER FOUR GOOGLE SEARCH LINKING TO MINDFLOWERS…
[MORE DRUM ROLL]
4. Semen is the root of all evil

 

February 25, 2008

How To: Order Coffee

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Drugs, How to, Pop Culture, Shopping
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If you want to see some bad coffee orderers, go to the mid-west.  They’re not accustomed to it yet.  They always had Lutheran church ‘coffee hour’ after services and the most thought they had to put into getting a cup was how to avoid the choir director’s
creepy husband.

They haven’t learnt the Art of Ordering Coffee.

Go to Seattle. My God, Seattle is to coffee what Salt Lake City is not to coffee.

San Francisco, same thing. People have their exact change ready. They’ve got the tip out and they’re saying the fake ‘Good morning’ so well they don’t even need to move their lips.

Tip #1: When ordering a coffee, don’t ask which brew your barista likes better. Don’t make them think! They’re not paid enough. Plus, they’re really really stoned right now.

Tip #2: When using two sugar packs, tear and pour both of them at the same time. Don’t create a Ford assembly line process to tear the equivalent of four sheets of paper. Jerk.

Tip #3: Leaving room for cream gives you less bang for your buck. Pour unwanted coffee out as a tribute to your fallen homies.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

February 22, 2008

Invitation: Seattle Flash Makeout, February 24th

Posted by j.j. under Activities, Beauty, Comedy, Events, How to, Religion, Romance, Violence
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The Seattle Flash Makeout will commence at exactly
4:20 p.m.
Sunday February 24th

a song will be played.
lots of people will smooch.
bring your own or share one of ours.

the song will end.
We’ll disperse as if…

In Fremont, WA
around the Lenin statue, that man needs some LOVE.
at the corner of 36th and Evanston in Fremont.

Sometimes we get drinks after…
sometimes we smooch some more.

Photographers welcome.

***PLEASE REPOST AS MANY PLACES AS YOU CAN***

PRE-MAKEOUT DRINKS AT NECTAR 2PM

Seattle Times Article
Seattle Flash Makout Tribe

 

January 13, 2008

How To: Make the most of your Valentine’s Day conjugal visit.

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Comedy, How to, Justice, Love, Prison, Romance, Sex
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Valentine’s Day is already around the corner! Gulp! I still haven’t even taken down my Halloween decorations. Boy, how time does fly.

heartIt seems like only yesterday that I burned out my credit cards on Christmas presents and my husband went to prison.  David has been locked up for thirteen Valentine’s Days now and in that time I’ve learned some real helpful ways to make the most of the two hour Valentine Day conjugal visit the State of California gives us.

Its important that you ladies out there know that there’s much more to a conjugal visit than just the requisite sex act. Plan on having that ‘sex’ stuff out of the way in the first  three minutes. The rest of the time you’ll be focusing on lying about the status of the money that’s supposedly still buried in the backyard, who you’ve been seeing on the side, and how many children you’ve had in the previous year by his friend RazorDog.

I’ve found that all this lying and skirting around issues can be tiring, so drink a lot of coffee before going in.  Remember ladies, you’re not just seeing your husband in jail on Valentine’s Day. You’re seeing all the cute guards too. This will be a good time to pick up  some numbers if you’re on your game so dress up! I know personally that if you play your cards right with the guards at San Quentin’s ‘high risk offenders’ area, you’re in for a real treat.

Don’t forget to compliment your husband’s new scarifications and tattoos. These not only designate his status in cell block 28′s gang, but they represent the slow chiseling away of his soul by the System.

Have a great time this February 14th, and may your smuggling go well!

 

January 12, 2008

How To: Duel (Freestyle Rap Battle)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Comedy, How to, Justice, Pop Culture
1 Comment 

rapAll you suckers be thinking you can fade this? Puh-leez. I got mad rap dueling skills like Dairy Queen employees got temptations and The Temptations got moves.  I waxed LL Cool J so bad once that his head grew a Kangol hat comprised of shame and a magical cotton/embarrassment blend.

That’s right. I’ve got rhymes that’re so smooth they make Jiff seem like broken glass. So smooth in fact that while you just read this, they slipped in and out of your sphincter 5 times without your notice. I know you ain’t exactly no spring chicken, but that’s still pretty smooth.

I’m what you may call the Darth Vader of Freestyle Rap. I mean Darth Vader back when he was cool. You know, the Darth Vader of Empire Strikes Back when he move boxes with his mind! I’m like the Lost of Rap Dueling. You know, like the first three episodes of Lost when it was still cool.

So here’s how its done:

  1. Make reference to your opponent’s appearance but steer clear of insensitive subjects like race (whiter than that guy who played Harry Stone on Night Court), hairstyle, weight (perhaps they’re so fat that they resemble a large object), cheap jewelry (because what’s wrong with cheap jewelry? Real diamonds are way overpriced. Maybe they’re just thrifty), etc.
  2. Make your insults rhyme. This is important. Look at the difference between these two Rap War Weapons-
    “Your breath is like the inside of Reese Witherspoon’s dumpster
    have you seen that forehead, can you believe someone humps her?”
    and…
    “Your teeth look like Raven Simone’s panty liners on a bad day, sucka! ohmygawd, did I just say that?”

As you can see, rhyming is an important, nay, integral component to rap battling.

So good luck, stay fresh, and may you never have to deal with Suge Knight.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

January 12, 2008

How To: Duel (Gunfight)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Blog, Comedy, Games, How to, Justice
1 Comment 

duelWell, I’ll just tell you right flat out. If there’s to be trigger play, its best to be long far off or hiding behind a well fed cattle herd.

I ain’t no hero. Never claimed to be. Shucks, anything Ol’ Man Eggars told you about the shootout at the mine probably’s only a nickel’s worth of truth. Sure, I put some men down in my day, but I ain’t proud of it. Only thing those ol’ Peace Makers ever got me was nightmares to be chased away with the whiskey.

But, let’s just suppose that you are in a tight spot. Maybe some big city slicker is looking to buy up your farm, or some half wit got fresh with your sister down by the mill. Well, that there’s shooting time and you’d better be ready for it, because luck don’t favor the foolish.

Here’s the first thing you’ll have to do: grow out a moustache. Nice and long. Get it all walrus like and coat it in pitch and molasses.

Next, start telling people that you ain’t got no name. If they ask you who you is, just look ‘em square in the eye and tell ‘em: “Listen to the wind in a graveyard at midnight. That’ll tell you my name.”

Its important to be ready to die. I suggest a good last will and testament and End Of Life instructions for your family and health care providers.

Now to the shootin’: I’ll be honest to you. Ain’t no amount of practice ever gonna get you to be able to hit nuthin’. With all your nerves going, and your big ol’ moustache flappin’ in the breeze, you’ll be lucky if you just a’ keep from dropping road apples in your pantaloons. The important thing is to just look like you know what yer doin’. Its like middle management. All you need to know is some PowerPoint, Office Xcel, and Outlook and the rest is all in attitude.

In movies they’ll usually show fellas stand in the street and wait for the other fella to move. Why wait? Time is money! And don’t stare anybody in the eyes! You’ll recognize your shared humanity with ‘em and then you’ve had it!

Rules Of Gunfighting Duels:

  1. First person dead loses.
  2. Second person dead also loses but more tragically.
  3. Any surviving participant will either be viewed as a murderer, lucky bastard who’s got it coming, or unholy archetype of merciless justice.
  4. Shooting from the hip is encouraged, but not necessary.
  5. If both participants discharge all the available ammunition in town without successfully killing the other, the local sheriff should ride into the next town to buy some more.

Good luck, have fun, and may Satan welcome you kindly.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

January 8, 2008

New Year’s Resolutions from your Verile Mindflowers Staff

Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under How to, Self Improvement, Time
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jumpThese are Resolutions that we at Mindflowers propose you make.

1. Stop Tying Up Your Barking Dog In Front Of The Store.
There seems to be a class of dog owner that thinks their dog is so awesome that everyone
would just love to hear it bark relentlessly on a city street. This happens all the time. In front of Ralph’s, in front of the T-Mobile store: some jerko has tied up their mangy mutt and it is barking like the entire city is it’s own. What are the owner’s thinking? Are they in the store hearing this and thinking: “My gift to the world today is making it sound like a junkyard is being robbed!”

2. Closing Your Mouth When You Eat.
Or chew gum. I know you can do it.

3. Refrain from saying “That’s How I Roll”.
My suggestion for ’08 is replacing it with “This action is an example of my preferred and most common way of performing tasks.”

4. Not Acting Surprised When Religious or Political Bigots Get Caught Doing Exactly What They Rail Against.

5. Receive an Honorary degree from a private Christian college.
You’ll need to do something important like own a poor-performing professional baseball team.

6. Keep Your Eyebrows Believable
You know who you are. This year, if you’re gonna ink ‘em in-at least make it somewhat plausible.

7. Don’t Date My Friend Keith.
I’m tired of telling y’all “I told you so.” Listen: the guy is damaged goods. No offense, Keith, but geez, you’re a drunk and a slob. And you owe me and Ben a pizza. I also don’t think it’s any secret that you’re an inconsiderate lover.

8. If you are employed as a restaurant server and you have flu symptoms, do not go to work.
Unless you share a system of ethics with Mein Kampf.

9. At amateur night at your local stand-up comedy joint, throw vegetables at the comedians.
Because what is classier and healthier than pelting almost funny people with broccoli and arugula?

10. Please help me find my glasses.
When I don’t have them I can’t see. How the frickin’ hell am I supposed to find something when I need that something to allow me to look for it?

Ryan McGivern and J.J. Stein

 

January 7, 2008

Happiness Is: Intelligent Design

Posted by j.j. under How to, Justice, Photography
1 Comment 
power
 

January 7, 2008

How To: Act

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Art, Employment, How to
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stageSince I have been in Hollywood, I’ve learned all kinds of things about acting.

From Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), I’ve learned that there’s no reason why your eyebrows should ever stop moving. Angry? Move your eyebrows on each syllable. Any emotion: same.

I’ve also learned that the most important part of being a successful actor is enunciation.
You can practice this at home by seeing if your ex can tell you’ve been drinking when you call them at 3 am. “Whh dn we evveh jsst thalk anmogh? YknowhatImean? Hngg out?”: Needs Practice.

When acting, its important to look like you’re not acting. You’ve GOT to look natural, people. This can be achieved in three ways:

  1. run your hand through your hair while yawning.
  2. scratch your face while coughing.
  3.  pick your ear while whistling.

It’s hard to make an onstage kiss look realistic. Especially when your partner hates you and your ‘Americano Breath’. I’ve learned that making ‘yummy’ noises will not only ‘sell it’ to your audience, but it might get you a date with that acting class hottie who’s been telling you to leave them alone.

If you’re gonna make it in TinselTown, you’ve got to bring your ‘A Game’ to auditions. I’ve found that casting directors love it when:

  1. Your headshots are not 5X7 pictures taken of you and your cousin at Christmas.
  2. You complement them with: “You’re much more professional than the casting director for ‘Scrotal Terror 6′.”
  3. Your cell phone doesn’t go off, and you don’t take the call, and it’s not a call from your landlord, and you don’t argue with Mrs. Bolanski about your April rent.

I wish all you aspiring actors and actresses the best of luck, and if you know anybody that’s hiring, I have barista experience.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

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