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January 12, 2008

How To: Duel (Freestyle Rap Battle)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Comedy, How to, Justice, Pop Culture
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rapAll you suckers be thinking you can fade this? Puh-leez. I got mad rap dueling skills like Dairy Queen employees got temptations and The Temptations got moves.  I waxed LL Cool J so bad once that his head grew a Kangol hat comprised of shame and a magical cotton/embarrassment blend.

That’s right. I’ve got rhymes that’re so smooth they make Jiff seem like broken glass. So smooth in fact that while you just read this, they slipped in and out of your sphincter 5 times without your notice. I know you ain’t exactly no spring chicken, but that’s still pretty smooth.

I’m what you may call the Darth Vader of Freestyle Rap. I mean Darth Vader back when he was cool. You know, the Darth Vader of Empire Strikes Back when he move boxes with his mind! I’m like the Lost of Rap Dueling. You know, like the first three episodes of Lost when it was still cool.

So here’s how its done:

  1. Make reference to your opponent’s appearance but steer clear of insensitive subjects like race (whiter than that guy who played Harry Stone on Night Court), hairstyle, weight (perhaps they’re so fat that they resemble a large object), cheap jewelry (because what’s wrong with cheap jewelry? Real diamonds are way overpriced. Maybe they’re just thrifty), etc.
  2. Make your insults rhyme. This is important. Look at the difference between these two Rap War Weapons-
    “Your breath is like the inside of Reese Witherspoon’s dumpster
    have you seen that forehead, can you believe someone humps her?”
    and…
    “Your teeth look like Raven Simone’s panty liners on a bad day, sucka! ohmygawd, did I just say that?”

As you can see, rhyming is an important, nay, integral component to rap battling.

So good luck, stay fresh, and may you never have to deal with Suge Knight.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

January 12, 2008

How To: Duel (Gunfight)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Blog, Comedy, Games, How to, Justice
No Comments 

duelWell, I’ll just tell you right flat out. If there’s to be trigger play, its best to be long far off or hiding behind a well fed cattle herd.

I ain’t no hero. Never claimed to be. Shucks, anything Ol’ Man Eggars told you about the shootout at the mine probably’s only a nickel’s worth of truth. Sure, I put some men down in my day, but I ain’t proud of it. Only thing those ol’ Peace Makers ever got me was nightmares to be chased away with the whiskey.

But, let’s just suppose that you are in a tight spot. Maybe some big city slicker is looking to buy up your farm, or some half wit got fresh with your sister down by the mill. Well, that there’s shooting time and you’d better be ready for it, because luck don’t favor the foolish.

Here’s the first thing you’ll have to do: grow out a moustache. Nice and long. Get it all walrus like and coat it in pitch and molasses.

Next, start telling people that you ain’t got no name. If they ask you who you is, just look ‘em square in the eye and tell ‘em: “Listen to the wind in a graveyard at midnight. That’ll tell you my name.”

Its important to be ready to die. I suggest a good last will and testament and End Of Life instructions for your family and health care providers.

Now to the shootin’: I’ll be honest to you. Ain’t no amount of practice ever gonna get you to be able to hit nuthin’. With all your nerves going, and your big ol’ moustache flappin’ in the breeze, you’ll be lucky if you just a’ keep from dropping road apples in your pantaloons. The important thing is to just look like you know what yer doin’. Its like middle management. All you need to know is some PowerPoint, Office Xcel, and Outlook and the rest is all in attitude.

In movies they’ll usually show fellas stand in the street and wait for the other fella to move. Why wait? Time is money! And don’t stare anybody in the eyes! You’ll recognize your shared humanity with ‘em and then you’ve had it!

Rules Of Gunfighting Duels:

  1. First person dead loses.
  2. Second person dead also loses but more tragically.
  3. Any surviving participant will either be viewed as a murderer, lucky bastard who’s got it coming, or unholy archetype of merciless justice.
  4. Shooting from the hip is encouraged, but not necessary.
  5. If both participants discharge all the available ammunition in town without successfully killing the other, the local sheriff should ride into the next town to buy some more.

Good luck, have fun, and may Satan welcome you kindly.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

January 8, 2008

New Year’s Resolutions from your Verile Mindflowers Staff

Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under How to, Self Improvement, Time
No Comments 

jumpThese are Resolutions that we at Mindflowers propose you make.

1. Stop Tying Up Your Barking Dog In Front Of The Store.
There seems to be a class of dog owner that thinks their dog is so awesome that everyone
would just love to hear it bark relentlessly on a city street. This happens all the time. In front of Ralph’s, in front of the T-Mobile store: some jerko has tied up their mangy mutt and it is barking like the entire city is it’s own. What are the owner’s thinking? Are they in the store hearing this and thinking: “My gift to the world today is making it sound like a junkyard is being robbed!”

2. Closing Your Mouth When You Eat.
Or chew gum. I know you can do it.

3. Refrain from saying “That’s How I Roll”.
My suggestion for ‘08 is replacing it with “This action is an example of my preferred and most common way of performing tasks.”

4. Not Acting Surprised When Religious or Political Bigots Get Caught Doing Exactly What They Rail Against.

5. Receive an Honorary degree from a private Christian college.
You’ll need to do something important like own a poor-performing professional baseball team.

6. Keep Your Eyebrows Believable
You know who you are. This year, if you’re gonna ink ‘em in-at least make it somewhat plausible.

7. Don’t Date My Friend Keith.
I’m tired of telling y’all “I told you so.” Listen: the guy is damaged goods. No offense, Keith, but geez, you’re a drunk and a slob. And you owe me and Ben a pizza. I also don’t think it’s any secret that you’re an inconsiderate lover.

8. If you are employed as a restaurant server and you have flu symptoms, do not go to work.
Unless you share a system of ethics with Mein Kampf.

9. At amateur night at your local stand-up comedy joint, throw vegetables at the comedians.
Because what is classier and healthier than pelting almost funny people with broccoli and arugula?

10. Please help me find my glasses.
When I don’t have them I can’t see. How the frickin’ hell am I supposed to find something when I need that something to allow me to look for it?

Ryan McGivern and J.J. Stein

 

January 7, 2008

Happiness Is: Intelligent Design

Posted by j.j. under How to, Justice, Photography
1 Comment 
power
 

January 7, 2008

How To: Act

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Art, Employment, How to
No Comments 

stageSince I have been in Hollywood, I’ve learned all kinds of things about acting.

From Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), I’ve learned that there’s no reason why your eyebrows should ever stop moving. Angry? Move your eyebrows on each syllable. Any emotion: same.

I’ve also learned that the most important part of being a successful actor is enunciation.
You can practice this at home by seeing if your ex can tell you’ve been drinking when you call them at 3 am. “Whh dn we evveh jsst thalk anmogh? YknowhatImean? Hngg out?”: Needs Practice.

When acting, its important to look like you’re not acting. You’ve GOT to look natural, people. This can be achieved in three ways:

  1. run your hand through your hair while yawning.
  2. scratch your face while coughing.
  3.  pick your ear while whistling.

It’s hard to make an onstage kiss look realistic. Especially when your partner hates you and your ‘Americano Breath’. I’ve learned that making ‘yummy’ noises will not only ’sell it’ to your audience, but it might get you a date with that acting class hottie who’s been telling you to leave them alone.

If you’re gonna make it in TinselTown, you’ve got to bring your ‘A Game’ to auditions. I’ve found that casting directors love it when:

  1. Your headshots are not 5X7 pictures taken of you and your cousin at Christmas.
  2. You complement them with: “You’re much more professional than the casting director for ‘Scrotal Terror 6′.”
  3. Your cell phone doesn’t go off, and you don’t take the call, and it’s not a call from your landlord, and you don’t argue with Mrs. Bolanski about your April rent.

I wish all you aspiring actors and actresses the best of luck, and if you know anybody that’s hiring, I have barista experience.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

December 7, 2007

How To: Christmas Shop For Your Incarcerated Loved One

Posted by Ryan McGivern under How to, Prison, Religion
No Comments 

The Holidays are always a stressful time of year. Especially in prison.

There’s the fighting the long lines at Snake’s cell just to buy a half cigarette, the worry of paying back Loko for the loan of smuggled pornography, and deciding how to decorate your cell festively, while still respecting your cellmate’s Satanism.

prisonIt can also be stressful being the loved one “on the outside” who has to come up with the perfect Christmas gift that says:
“Merry Christmas” and “No, I’m not cheating on you with your friends Dave and Carl.”

Here are some ideas to make your shopping for the Prisoner in your life a little easier:
1. Are they on Death Row? How about a gift certificate to Denny’s for a
“Last Meal Grand Slam”?
2. Nothing says, “5 to 10 isn’t that long to wait to see you again” like a pair of socks.
3. Christmas is the perfect time to lie about “losing our baby”.
4. Uhhh, Duh! Can you say iPhone?
5. A one sentence synopsis of all the best movies released in the past 12 years:
“Yet another Steve Guttenberg classic.”

So there’s some wonderful Christmas shopping ideas for those loved ones in prison.
As soon as there’s a Jewish person in jail, I’ll write about Hanukkah gift ideas.

Ryan McGivern

JamesHumphries: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3IGjff1THk
Burch9: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwNtY7ogr10&feature=related
Joxter3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts9wtb3RZ4g&feature=related

 

November 30, 2007

How To: Talk to People

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Blog, How to, Self Improvement
No Comments 

trekI went to the Check Cashing Place this morning and I made the mistake of asking my attendant through the bullet proof glass how she was.

She clanked my money into the metal slot that’s big enough to clank money through but not big enough to fit a pistol through and said:
“Next.”
I guess that meant her day was “just fine, thank you.”

I have a hard time communicating with people, too, I’ll admit it. Whenever I’m trolling chatrooms, I’ll do something stupid like ask ArwenElf203948 if she wants to meet me at the Blockbuster by my house without first waiting the ‘requisite 10 minutes of IMing before asking to meet a stranger at Blockbuster’. There seems to be so many unwritten and written rules about how to talk to people!

When I am Ouiji boarding by myself in my incense drenched bedroom and I ask the spirit what color underwear it’s wearing, the marker always jumps over to the “Goodbye” in the corner. How am I to know all the finer details of necromancy if no one tells me?

If the waitress at Denny’s doesn’t have the proper etiquette and social tact to introduce herself formally and shake my hand, of course I’m going to call her “Sweet Tits”- but still I’m the one who gets looked down upon by the Denny’s management!

To give you yet another example of how hard it can be to have an adult conversation with someone, this is what happened to me last night at the Minx’s men’s bathroom:
Some Guy: Hey. What’s up?
Me: Hey! Not much how are you doing tonight? Don’t you just LOVE the DJ here?
He plays just the BEST music!
Some Guy: Yeah. Cool. You wanna party?
Me: Ohmygawd I love to party. I’ve been wanting to party all day.
Some Guy: Yeah? Let’s go into the stall and talk about it.
Me: Your shirt is just adorable! I love it.
Some Guy: Yeah. Well, I’ve got some other cool stuff to show you too.
Me: Show and tell? Aren’t you the brave little boy in front of the class!
Some Guy: Yeah. Uh, can you keep your voice down? I mean, the staff here
are really uptight about this kind of thing, so…..
Me: Where did you get your shirt? It is just adorable!

We went back and forth like this for like 20 minutes and I never did find out where he bought his shirt. I mean, what gives?

There is nothing I find more difficult than talking to girls. I know, many of you might have pegged me as a ‘Don Juan’ type but I am pretty much the opposite. I’m more John Cusack than John Cusack could ever be. I think that in the Guiness World Record for the most sexually frustrated animals it would be a tie between me, captive pandas, Trekkies, and the roadies for Ratt’s ‘Invasion of Your Privacy’ Tour.

Not that talking to people is all that important when you have a blog. Why bother talking to people when you can sit in a dark room on a Friday afternoon and blog about how difficult it is to talk to someone?

Ryan McGivern

Me: www.myspace.com/mckibbon
The Minx: www.minx-la.com

 

October 2, 2007

How To: Wrestle

Posted by Ryan McGivern under How to
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Wrestling is like sex.
You need a signature move.
Wear a nut cup.
Or better yet, have your bits removed.  
Never scream for mercy.
Have a signal with your corner to have them throw in the towel for you.
Make sure that the bear has been declawed.
(If wrestling a bear who will allow you to declaw it.)
Play dead.
(If wrestling a bear who will not allow you to declaw it.)

Its also a good idea to undergo a couple of enemas pre-fight.
I don’t know how many times I had to spray the mat like a Jackson Pollack
before catching on to this necessary pre-fight ritual.

A lot of people talk about wrestlers “cutting weight” to get into a lower weight class.
This is a myth. We don’t ride a stationary bike in a steam room for 5 hours to lose weight for a fight! 
We do it to clear our pores. 

The best wrestling advice I can give you is:  ”It’s all in the wrist.”

Ryan McGivern

 

October 1, 2007

How To: Commit The Perfect Crime

Posted by Ryan McGivern under How to
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First, make sure that your core team has a shady newcomer who’s young and reckless.
You’ll also want to visit your prison friend Three Legs to get help finding a recovering drug addict getaway car driver.

If you are the ringleader, have a great relationship with your mom. That way it will be all the more tragic when you are gunned down by the cops.
If you are not the ringleader, be suspicious that they are going to screw you
out of the score, man. Try to undermine their power by getting drunk
with the gang over a game of cards and mouthing off about the leader. If the leader 
doesn’t kill you right then and there, that means they’re weak and you’ll be able to stab them in the back later after they’re gunned down by the cops.

Its always good to have a hideout. This can be found in most warehouse districts or spooky wharfs.

Have a fail safe plan that cannot go wrong….Unless one of your team makes a rookie mistake and there just so happens to be an overly zealous security guard nearby.
Then you’ll have to go to Plan B which involves an unfortunate shooting of somebody and then devolves into panic and your gang turning on each other.

This will be a good time to use your: “We’re in this together. There’s no turning back.”
Speech.

Finally, when all of you are dead or dying
(except for that quiet guy in the gang who always seemed to have a heart of gold who will get away miraculously),
remember to be reflective on the ironic nature of justice.

Ryan McGivern

 

September 30, 2007

How To: Beach Bonfire

Posted by Ryan McGivern under How to
1 Comment 

bonfire

Get a bunch of drunk and high people to meet somewhere on a freezing cold beach.
This will be difficult as everyone is drunk and high. Parking is hard to find too. Make sure everyone is calling each other on cell phones asking someone who isn’teven invited to the bonfire “where the trail is to the fire, man.”After 20 minutes lost in sand dunes, you’ll be ready to get started. Then, have everyone look at each other and ask who brought wood.

No one will have.

Scavenge up and down the beach until finally resorting to burning the garbage from a beach house trash can. Only after its too late will you realize you’re burning a filled diaper and tampons. Then, because you’ve picked the coldest possible day to be on a beach, all start shivering. For fun, get sand all over the lips of your wine and beer bottles and complain about it.

There will always be some overly perky girl who demands to swim in the water. Let her. She needs to learn the hard way that hypothermia is real and that those same guys who were just hitting on her will forget her immediately when she is a briney, shivering, sand encrusted mess.

As the night winds down and the overweight drunk guy falls asleep too close to the fire and singes his eyebrows off, you’ll know that you’ve had a successful Beach Bonfire!

 

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