Let’s have a mind and raise flowers.

Wrestling is like sex.
You need a signature move.
Wear a nut cup.
Or better yet, have your bits removed.  
Never scream for mercy.
Have a signal with your corner to have them throw in the towel for you.
Make sure that the bear has been declawed.
(If wrestling a bear who will allow you to declaw it.)
Play dead.
(If wrestling a bear who will not allow you to declaw it.)

Its also a good idea to undergo a couple of enemas pre-fight.
I don’t know how many times I had to spray the mat like a Jackson Pollack
before catching on to this necessary pre-fight ritual.

A lot of people talk about wrestlers “cutting weight” to get into a lower weight class.
This is a myth. We don’t ride a stationary bike in a steam room for 5 hours to lose weight for a fight! 
We do it to clear our pores. 

The best wrestling advice I can give you is:  ”It’s all in the wrist.”

Ryan McGivern

First, make sure that your core team has a shady newcomer who’s young and reckless.
You’ll also want to visit your prison friend Three Legs to get help finding a recovering drug addict getaway car driver.

If you are the ringleader, have a great relationship with your mom. That way it will be all the more tragic when you are gunned down by the cops.
If you are not the ringleader, be suspicious that they are going to screw you
out of the score, man. Try to undermine their power by getting drunk
with the gang over a game of cards and mouthing off about the leader. If the leader 
doesn’t kill you right then and there, that means they’re weak and you’ll be able to stab them in the back later after they’re gunned down by the cops.

Its always good to have a hideout. This can be found in most warehouse districts or spooky wharfs.

Have a fail safe plan that cannot go wrong….Unless one of your team makes a rookie mistake and there just so happens to be an overly zealous security guard nearby.
Then you’ll have to go to Plan B which involves an unfortunate shooting of somebody and then devolves into panic and your gang turning on each other.

This will be a good time to use your: “We’re in this together. There’s no turning back.”
Speech.

Finally, when all of you are dead or dying
(except for that quiet guy in the gang who always seemed to have a heart of gold who will get away miraculously),
remember to be reflective on the ironic nature of justice.

Ryan McGivern

Get a bunch of drunk and high people to meet somewhere on a freezing cold beach.
This will be difficult as everyone is drunk and high. Parking is hard to find too. Make sure everyone is calling each other on cell phones asking someone who isn’teven invited to the bonfire “where the trail is to the fire, man.”After 20 minutes lost in sand dunes, you’ll be ready to get started. Then, have everyone look at each other and ask who brought wood.

No one will have.

Scavenge up and down the beach until finally resorting to burning the garbage from a beach house trash can. Only after its too late will you realize you’re burning a filled diaper and tampons. Then, because you’ve picked the coldest possible day to be on a beach, all start shivering. For fun, get sand all over the lips of your wine and beer bottles and complain about it.

There will always be some overly perky girl who demands to swim in the water. Let her. She needs to learn the hard way that hypothermia is real and that those same guys who were just hitting on her will forget her immediately when she is a briney, shivering, sand encrusted mess.

As the night winds down and the overweight drunk guy falls asleep too close to the fire and singes his eyebrows off, you’ll know that you’ve had a successful Beach Bonfire!