The scene is a Chinese restaurant. There are no customers. Amy and Tamika wait at the entrance. Mona stops mopping the backroom and races to the front to great them as she picks up two menus.
Mona: Hello. A table of two?
Tamika: Three actually. Another’s coming.
Amy: Yeah. We need a table for three-a nice table.
Mona: Okay. [she picks up a third menu]. How about the window seat here?
[Mona leads them to their table, waits as they sit down]
Tamika: That’s perfect. Thanks. People watching is always nice.
Amy: Its alright. (as she and Tamika sit) I like your apron.
Mona: Thanks. (hands menus) Can I get you anything to start off with? Water, Beer?
Tamika: Umm, maybe I’ll have a—
Amy: I watched the Olympics this year. (leans in to Mona like it’s a secret) Its beautiful there….China. (looks to Tamika for support) Its beautiful there. Beautiful people.
Mona: I’m actually Lebanese Greek, myself. But I watched a lot too. We got gold in archery.
Amy: [Obviously is not listening] China. Beautiful. I love Chinese cinema. That one movie. (looks to Mona to name it)…..maybe you haven’t seen it. You should its beautiful.
Tamika: (nervous and embarrassed for Amy) Well, this menu looks great thank you–
Amy: And you’re very articulate. You deserve a raise. I don’t know what you make, but you deserve a raise. Your speaking is very good.
Mona: [a little testy] That’s funny you say that cuz I’m from Minnesota and I usually get that I sound like I’m from the movie Fargo. Can I get you anything to start? Water, Beer, Wine,
Amy: I still think you deserve a raise…….
Tamika: I’ll have a beer.
Mona: I’ll be right back with that beer. [Mona walks to the back room which is one-third of the stage, unseen by the dining room but seen by the audience. Burns hand on stove, hits head on wall, puts hand in pot and pulls it out with a lobster snapped onto it, Mona slips and falls in the wet area and lies still, sprawled on the ground, dead]
Tamika: [after long silence looking at menus, to Amy] I think uh, maybe she was offended.
Amy: [to Tamika] How did I offend her? I complemented her.
Tamika: I dunno, Amy. Maybe she was just a little offended. I don’t know.
Amy: Maybe she’s a bitch.
Tamika: Do you wanna go somewhere else?
Amy: No. Boss’ll wanted to eat here. The Crab Rangoon is to die for and I’m not letting the shitty service ruin my dinner. This is a special occasion and I’m going to enjoy myself
Tamika: [A pause] I thought she was nice. Maybe she took something we said wrong. I don’t know.
Amy: Yeah, whatever. That slut can lick my clit.
Tamika: Shhhh. C’mon. Clit? Really? How’s Michael? You said on the phone that he’s been getting on your nerves?.
Amy: Still ain’t found a job.
Tamika: It’s the economy.
Amy: No its not, Tamika, no its not.. Its those uppity tight ass directors at the Opera House.
Tamika:…What?
[two men come into the restaurant and wait at the “Please Wait To Be Seated” sign]
Amy: Remind me to order some take out Crispy Duck for Michael by the way.
Tamika: Now wait. What about the Opera House?
Amy: He’s auditioned for Madam Butterfly like twice in the last week and they keep turning him down
Tamika: Michael was a checkout clerk at the porn shop, last I heard.
Amy: Oh he quit that like a looong time ago.
Amy: He just got sick of it. Wanted something more, you know.
Tamika: I didn’t know he sang.
Amy: He’s got a good voice, Tamika. A Great Voice. Why are you always so negative? He deserves that job.
Tamika: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything. I just meant that I know that he’s a heavy smoker and often has laryngitis—
Amy: He’s a musical genius, Tamika.
Tamika: And he’s always saying ‘musicals are gay’.
Amy: Those cunt wads are really going to regret not getting him when they had the chance. I’m really proud of him, you know. He’ll be an opera star and I’ll be his debonair socialite girlfriend. Say Tamika, do you happen to have any pot hookups? Our dealer is dry. And I mean really dry. Sobered up, bought a suit. Last time I stopped by his trailer he gave me these brochures about Jesus. Where you gettin’ your weed?
Tamika: I don’t smoke anymore.
Amy: [shakes head] Why you got to say it like that?
Tamika: What do you mean?
Amy: ‘I don’t smoke.’ Like you’re a Pollyanna, the way you phrased it. I asked you a question about your knowledge upon a certain given specific subject and you told me an irrelevant answer. Even if one don’t smoke, one could still have hookups, no? Point made. It’s a little holier-than-thou, Tamika. You’re always doing that. Making me feel like I’m the bad one of the three of us.
Tamika: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.
Amy: Whatevs. Where’s that cumdumpster waitress. I want my fucking beer. [turns to the two men waiting] She’s a real bitch. You’ll see.
Tamika: And what do you mean I try to make you feel like you’re the bad one?
Amy: You’re always bringing up Tacoma. That shit was not my fault. Sometimes dominoes fall and the chips fall where they may. People die. It happens. You’re all about the ‘cause and effect’. Well, sometimes shit happens without a cause. It just happens…[nervous silence] My, we’ve been having such a good conversation I forgot to even look at the menu. I usually get some sort of chicken. Maybe Kung Pao. [leans in like it’s a secret] Eating chicken makes me feel like I can fly.
Tamika: That’s weird cuz chickens aren’t really great flyers. Of the bird world, I mean. Comparatively.
Amy: Is that so? You know a lot about birds huh? Discovery Channel?
Tamika: Pigeon might be more your style.
Amy: [Smiles] You little smart ass. [tension is broke] That’s probably what they feed us here anyway. You fry anything enough and it’ll taste like chicken. I once fried a foot of yarn-it was pretty good.
Tamika: So why do you think Boss asked us here today? She’s not the type to call us together just for lunch.
Amy: She said she’s got some sort of proposition for us, whatever that means.
Tamika: Yep.
Amy: You think she’s got a job in mind?
Tamika: Could be. But I’m out of that game. I’ve changed. That’s all behind me now.
Amy: You’re shitting me. You’re the best in the business-you can’t quit!
Tamika: I’m just out. That’s it.
Amy: So why you clean these days? You found Jesus or somethin’? God, where’s my beer? [Loudly] Excuse me? Hello? [Back to Tamika] She’s been gone like an hour getting my beer.
Tamika: You didn’t order a beer.
Amy: Yes I did.
Tamika: No, you didn’t. I did. You said that she deserved a raise and I asked for a beer.
Amy: Bull fucking shitfrog!
[the two men at the sign waiting look startled]
Amy: [to the men] Whattya doing, anyway? Eavesdropping?
Man1: Excuse me-Is the restaurant open?
Amy: You’re in it, aren’t you?
Tamika: She’s in the back. She’ll be right out. [men look somewhat placated.]
Amy: When Boss got us together all those years ago, we made a blood oath.
Tamika: Boss and I made a blood oath. You said that you scar easily so you couldn’t
Amy: I get—
Amy and Tamika: Keloids.
Amy: That’s right. There’s just as much DNA in spit as blood, so I don’t see the problem.
Tamika: There’s not the same amount of DNA-and that’s not even the point.
Amy: What is the point?
Tamika: I don’t know-you’re the one who brought it up.
Amy: Brought what up?
Tamika: The blood oath!
Amy: And now you want out. There is no getting out.
Tamika: Oh Jesus.
Amy: You got cold feet. You’re chickening out.
Tamika: People died, Amy.
Amy: And you think you don’t have blood on your hands?
Tamika: That was an accident. And keep your voice down.
Amy: You afraid of those douchebags? [to the two men] Hey. Fuck you guys. [they don’t react-they’re in their own conversation] They aren’t listening. Whattya care anyway? You used to eat skinny asses like them for breakfast.
Tamika: I’m not like that anymore.
Amy: I’ve seen you punch a man’s nose square off his face.
Tamika: My dad doesn’t count.
Amy: You were the Terminator, Tamika. Now you’re….C-3PO……..[silence] What? What you wanna say? I can hear you thinking over there. Sounds like a wedding ring in a garbage disposal. You got something to say, say it.
Tamika: Sometimes I wish I would never have got mixed up in this whole thing. And when Boss shows up, I’ll tell her too. And that’s that.
Amy: [gets up and sits at another table]
Tamika: Come on. Don’t do that. Come back. Amy. [gets up and moves to sit next to Amy] Look. I’m sorry. But. I’ve got to do this. [Amy puts her head down on the table like she’s crying] Don’t take it personal.
Amy: It just feels like you’re running out on us. Absolute betrayal. I’d take a bullet for you. You know that? A bullet. [pulls out cell phone]
Tamika: Who are you calling? Boss?….
Michael: [over speaker phone] Hello?
Amy: Mike-Amy here. Were you sleeping?
Michael: Yes.
Amy: Its three in the afternoon.
Michael: Is it? Oh.
Amy: Look. We need team building over here.
Michael: Who’s we?
Amy: Me and Tamika. She’s trying to run out on me and Boss.
Michael: Am I on speakerphone?
Tamika: Hi Mike.
Michael: So what’s up?
Amy: Some team spirit. Something. You know, like… [makes up song on the spot] “One in mind One in Spirit All For One One For All” Something like that.
Michael: Sure. Sure. Uh……I got it. [Lean On Me by BB King] “Lean on me, when you’re not strong”
Amy: No.
Michael: Uh..[Eye of the Tiger by Survivor] “Risin’ up, back on the street Did my time, took my chances”
Amy: No.
Michael: [Don’t Worry About the Government by Talking Heads] “I smell the pine trees and the peaches in the woods”
Amy: God no. What the fuck Michael? Team spirit. Like a gang. A gang of three loving women who need each other.
Michael: [Tina Turner’s Simply the Best] “I call you when I need you, my heart’s on fire You come to me, come to me wild and wired Mmm, you come to me…..”
Amy: Keep going!
Michael: That’s all I know.
Tamika: That was great, Mike. Thanks.
Michael: I got some more-
Amy: That’s enough, Michael. It worked.
Michael: Glad I could hel—[Amy hangs up on him]
Amy: You’re back aren’t you?
Tamika: No.
[the men have walked up to the table]
Man1: Hi. Are you Tamika Willis and Amy Rauschweitz?
Tamika: Yes.
Amy: No.
Man1: Well, I’m Agent Carter and he is Agent Mathis.
Man2: Hi.
Man1: We’re with the FBI and we’re here to arrest you. We had wanted to get some General Tsao’s chicken before we did, but, the service here is terrible and we couldn’t wait any longer.
Amy: Arrest? I’m innocent. You’ve got no proof.
Tamika: What are the charges, if I can ask?
Man1: Let’s see. Running a Childcare without a license, conducting a circus without a license, making sculptures out of hair in meat packing plants, would you like me to go on?
Tamika: No.
Man2: Yes.
Man1: Growing anthrax on school playground slides, paying tribute to pagan gods inside a Presbyterian church, ……riding an ostrich.
Amy: you’ll never make that one stick.
Man2: And where’s the restaurant staff?
Man1: Good point, Agent Mathis. Where’s the restaurant staff?
Tamika: She’s in the back getting me a beer.
Man1: You better hope to God that’s the truth, Ms. Willis. [Goes into back room. Repeats the same actions as the Waitress. Absolute chaos-falls dead atop her corpse.]
[Man2, Tamika, and Amy look at each other for a number of beats blankly]
Amy: He’s taking a while in there.
Man2: He’ll be back.
[More nervous waiting.]
Tamika: You wanna sit down? [Man2 sits down and they sit in silence.]
Amy: [to Man2] You want a drink or something? Water, beer?
Man2: I’ll take a water.
Amy: [gets up like she’s going into the back room but before she opens the door, turns around] Hahaha! Sucker! I’m outta here. Sorry, Tamika. Give my regards to cell block twelve! You’ll never take Amy Rauschweitz alive! [she runs out cackling]
Man2: Not the most loyal of friends is she?
Tamika: Never trust someone who spits in a cup of your blood.
Man2: [nods]
Tamika: Say, Agent Mathis?
Man2: Yes, Tamika? [they look at each other with passion as though they both desire to kiss]
Tamika: Will you grab me a beer?
Man2: Any preference?
Tamika: Ahhhh…whatever’s on tap.
Man2: [goes into backroom but this time the lights don’t come up but you can hear crashing pots and pans and a scream of pain]
Tamika: [casually exits the restaurant]
END
By JJ Stein and Ryan McGivern
