Letters


musings 2musingsSo did you see Ted last night @ that kegger on 15th Ave? Hott!!! We were gonna kiss but he had serious garlic-breath, so I just sucked him off instead. (I know you’ll think I’m a slut, but that’s no worse than being a tease, I figure! Girl, please!)

So what did you do w/Russel? All the way this time, or you still stuck on 2nd base? You’re not gonna be 17 forever – you need to get laid before you get out of Garfield, and if you can score one of these college dipshits, that’s the way to go; if I’d known that I never would have fucked Kevin in the 9th grade. You know we were together for a year, fucking every weekend, before either of us knew “Doggy-Style” wasn’t anal! Whatever, it opened me up for being with Jared, you know what I’m sayin?

O.K., I need to go read this Jane Austen shit about prejudice or whatever. Let’s go to the movies, maybe see “You Got Served”? Call me!

-D.

love-jonas.jpgJoanna-

You made me cry so hard that my face broke out. My tears had tiny claws and ripped up my face the way your words ripped up my heart.

Live with that forever! You ruined my life!

forever,

Jonas

From EmmaTo my Love -

I dreamed we were walking through the city. Your fingers digging into my side, counting my ribs absentmindedly as the sky scrapers loomed overhead. Sour-faced glass panes reflecting back our shifting, sloppy grasp. Is there a reason I fit so well here? Tucked under your shoulder, shielded from the disapproving grey glares of these steel structures. Is this love, or just a distraction? Is what we have real, or just a shadow of someone else’s love, like those bobbing, sterile reflections in a cold, empty city.

Please don’t wake me.

Emma

Cynthia

Dear Captain Andrew,

Why were you such a jerk to me? I can’t believe I spent so much time sucking on your nasty billy-goat toes just for you to call me out like that in front of Father Ricky and Sister Barbara. How will I show my face at youth group again? You will burn in hell with your whore mother and your glutton auntie.

We’re through!

Fuck off,

Cynthia

[Written at The Blue Moon Tavern, Seattle] chess

14th Sept, 2005

Bilo,

I was very upset that you falsified my move. Playing chess by mail is a game that requires honor – I know you cheated, and I will be insulted if you try to dispute this, because you know I am smarter than any moron who wouldn’t notice that shit! Yeah I’m angry! BECAUSE: instead of actually giving you my next move, I have to write to chastise you for your tricks; instead of having a good week, and looking forward to relaxing with this game, I was fired and I have been cheated by my opponent; instead of bridging the East-West/U.S.A. divide, you are widening it! I am seriously considering reporting this to the CBMF for assessment. I don’t want to, but what choice do you leave me?!!…

Well, I left that hours ago, and now I’ve returned. Here’s my best offer, or I WILL report you to the chess federation: you will replace my bishop to F9, you will make your moved with an accurate board setup, and you will removed one of your pawns.

This, and only this will continue our game and the friendship it has begun. The choice if yours.

-Karl

[due to the low resolution image, the letter is transcribed below]
letter

Dear Jim -
I know you think that I think you do not like me anymore, but it is simply untrue. I like your mom and I thought we got along well even though she thought my outfit was inappropriate. To me, yellow and blue do match. What is really going on? I really do still like you, too.

Give me a call back.
(I’ll give you a handjob.)

Sarah

laundry
[Help! They are blasting Bryan Adams in here! Let me out!]

stalkI don’t mean to sound complaining, but stalking you is a two way street.  This will never work unless we both decide to meet in the middle on this.

I’m willing to be flexible.  If I need to be more discrete when I hound your housemates about your whereabouts, I can do that.  But, it would be helpful if you told Justine that she’s not fooling anybody when she says she doesn’t know where you are, when its obvious that you’re hiding in the bathroom.

Communication takes two. And stalking is no different.  I remember when we first began our stalking relationship.  Everything was so fresh, new, and exciting! But I must admit that since you were fired from your job at Banana Republic because of my repeated phone calls and break-ins, things have lost their luster.

I’m trying to be understanding. But it seems that your family definitely does not accept me. I tried not to be offended when it happened, but the “Leave us alone and get a LIFE!”
note your mom left in the garbage for me to find was a little insensitive.

I know we’ll get through this rough patch. We’ve been through worse (your cat’s disappearance, etc.) and I know that we’re adult enough to make this thing work.

Ryan McGivern

http://www.antistalking.com/
http://www.ncvc.org/

Valentine!

Dear Rudolph,

Let me begin by saying I love so much and I never want to lose you.

I have no idea why I am lactating. I’ve never been pregnant and I swear to the Virgin Mary I am not sleeping around. We could either view this negatively or kinkily. I mean, now we have an entirely new fluid to fool around with, right? Some creamy deliciousness to top off your morning coffee, or I could spray all over your hard chest and lick it off. Nutritious foreplay!

mmmmmmh love,

Allison

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