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January 10, 2008

Cleveland County Schools Are Learn-tastic!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Blog, Magic, Places, Self Improvement, Travel
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GroverAre you a student in grades Kindergarten through 12 looking for only the finest public education available? Then consider Cleveland County Schools in beautiful North Carolina.

Cleveland County makes other county schools look downright pathetic. Take Grover Elementary School as an example: We’re named after Super Grover, people. If that’s not a ‘10′ on the ‘cool school meter’, we don’t know what is.

Some county schools may say: “Come learn from us!” Not us. Here in Cleveland County, we say: “Let’s have a learn-tastic dance party!” We see our students as our equals. In some school districts, if a second grader was to walk into class and say: “I want to create world peace.” the school district would scoff in their cherubic face. Not Cleveland County Schools.

We’d begin a hunger strike until world peace was created.

We’ve got a lot of pride in our schools. Shelby High School is like Mount Olympus, filled with gods to be worshipped. Burns Middle School is like Ben and Jerry’s “Everything But The…” Ice Cream: more awesome than the best dream fantasy conjured by a magical unicorn princess.

That’s right. A magical unicorn princess. Top that, Gaston County!

With all the voices of public education vying for your allegiance, it can be hard to make the School District choice that’s right for you. So, let’s make this real easy. Here’s a list of some of the features Cleveland County Schools will bring you:

  1. We’ve got our eye on that bully.
  2. We can guarantee that our libraries will have at least one Harry Potter book available at all times.
  3. Diorama-mania!
  4. Cleveland County Schools, as of the last inspection, are completely poltergeist free.
  5. Crest High School football team. ‘Nuff said.

Wherever you do decide to receive your public school education, we wish you the best. Seriously. Good luck to you. Just don’t come crawling back to us when you won’t be accepted at Duke and end up at some dump like Emory.

Ryan McGivern

Me: www.myspace.com/mckibbon
Best School District Ever: http://www.clevelandcountyschools.org/
Best Ice Cream Ever: http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/item/52550.html
Unicorns (magical, princess, and other): http://www.unicornmuseum.org/
Crest Football Schedule: http://www.clevelandcountyschools.org/schools/chs/fbv.asp
Super Grover: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ieO8MGbZgU8

 

December 20, 2007

Movie Review: The Golden Compass

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Magic, Movie Review, Pop Culture, Religion
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If the Religious Right wants to gets nuts about anything, they should focus their pious attention to the lifeless zombie monster that has taken over the gaunt body of Nicole Kidman.

If Harry Potter was to watch this movie (which he wouldn’t, because he’s a good Catholic) he’d scream: “Accio Axe!” and then Cho Chang would walk by crying about Cedric Diggory and the horrible editing.

If Marmaduke were to watch it, he’d slobber all over a Christmas tree and his miserable owner would say to his wife: “I’d love to crap in his caved in skull, but Santa may be watching.”

When I saw the movie poster for this film by the bus stop, I was attracted first to the “Star Wars-eque” layout, and secondly to Daniel Craig’s cute James Bond face. Let’s all hope that he keeps his face out of any sequels that this butthole on the body of cinema may spawn.

I saw this movie with a friend who disliked immensely. We sat in front of folks who we, via eavesdropping, determined to have read the book and their response to the film was that of kids who had to listen to their mom being humped by their new stepdad all night…roughly and hitting all the right spots, doing things to her that their real dad could never do.

Here’s some highlights from “The Golden Compass”:

  • A score that sounds like it came from a Nintendo 64 videogame.
  • A narrative flow that is as smooth as the colon compacting poop concretions of a dehydrated Whitney Houston.
  • Filled with the same amount of erudition as the underwear worn on one of Britney’s FAS anus babies, sitting in the corner drinking an Americano and watching his mom eat raw cookie dough.
  • A shameless sequel-begging ending that gets you as excited as the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston being wrapped around your “rifle”.

This movie should make atheists protest it, not Baby Jesus Fanboys. You’d think they’d want to be associated with a cooler movie, like: “The Hills Have Eyes” or something.

Bottom Line: You can’t spell ‘compass’ without ‘ass’ and you can’t spell ‘this movie sucks’ without ’sucks’.

Ryan McGivern

 

December 10, 2007

Mitt Romney’s God Talk

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Magic, Philosophy, Politics, Religion
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MittThe future president of the United States of The U.S. of A. recently set the record straight once and for all about God.  Mitt Romney has put America’s heart to rest and as his wonderful speech below clearly evidences, God is totally cool with Mormons.

Mitt Romney’s God Talk
“Freedom requires religion just as religion requires being totally awesome. Freedom opens the windows of the soul like the legs of Reese Witherspoon: easily. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone, with the exception of religious cults that compel people by social coersion and manipulation to live under patriarchal, hetero-normative subjugation….but, I digress. Uhh. Ahem. (cough, cough)”

“Let me assure you that no authorities of my church, those wonderful rich old white men in Utah, or of any other church for that matter, will ever exert influence on presidential decisions. Not even suggestions on what shoes to wear with ‘business casual’ from the homosexual Bishops of the Episcopal church! Their authority is theirs, within the province of church affairs, and it ends where the affairs of the nation begin, just like how the magical power of ‘Shazam’ can only be accessed when Billy Batson is Captain Marvel.”

“As governor, I tried to do the right as best I knew it, serving the law and answering to the Constitution. I did not confuse the particular teachings of my church, such as the belief that God and His wives are living near the planet or star “Kolob” and make spiritual babies, with the obligations of the office and of the Constitution – and of course, I would not do so as President. I will put no doctrine of any church, such as “No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood” (Brigham Young) above the plain duties of the office and the sovereign authority of the law.”

“Americans tire of those who would jettison their beliefs, even to gain the world. Americans tire of those who would step into the Ninteenth Century out of convenience.”

“There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ? Have you seen that T-shirt that says: “Jesus is my Homeboy”?
Well, I agree with almost everything that T-shirt says.”

“I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer to God. And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were in my own: I love the delicious wine of the Catholic Mass, the boycotting of movies by the Evangelicals, the snake handling among the Pentecostals, the confident smugness of the Lutherans, the pickle making prowess of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the strict teddy bear naming regulations of the Muslims.”

“It is important to recognize that while differences in theology exist between the churches in America, we share the common creed of moral conviction:
homosexuals are Satan’s fodder.
Whether it was the cause of abolition, or civil rights, no movement of ‘conscience’ can succeed in America without first battling religious people. And we’ve still not given up!”

“In recent years, the notion of the separation of church and state has been taken by some well beyond its original meaning. They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God, Murderous Is His Rage. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It is as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America – the religion of Secularism. This religion of Secularism is characterized by its colonialism, female circumcision, the relegation of women as belongings, reliance on guilt, and its pre-copernican worldview.”

“We should acknowledge the Creator as did the Founders – with slavery.
The Thunderous God, Glorious in His Spite And Disgust, should remain on our currency, in our pledge, and in the teaching of our history. I will take care to separate the affairs of government from any religion, but I will not separate us from God, Ready At The Apocalypse Button, who gave us liberty.”

“Nor would I separate us from our religious heritage. Perhaps the most important question to ask a person of faith who seeks a political office, is this: does he, and of course it will be a he, share these American values: buying stuff, sports, SportsCenter, DoubleStuff Oreos, dumpster babies, and world domination through pre-emptive war?”

“We believe that every single human being is a child of God–literally.
You can be certain of this: Any believer in religious freedom, any person who has knelt in prayer to the Almighty Fist In The Sky, Awaiting To Cold Cock The Universe, has a friend and ally in me.”

“May The ‘Roid Raged God Of Phallic Power bless America.”

Ryan McGivern
With Thanks To Mitt Romney

www.mittromney.com
www.lds.org
www.venganza.org/
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

 

November 14, 2007

The Future Will Not Be Televised

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Future, Magic, Time
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tellerHank walked into the fortune teller’s creepy shop. It was creepy for a whole bunch of reasons: It was located near a Wal-mart, its windows were energy wasting single pane, and it smelled like gypsies.

He walked into the dark room.
“You must be Hank.” said a spooky voice.
“Holy crap, you’ve got a spooky voice! And how did you know I’m Hank?”
“The voice I owe to being a smoker… Knowing you’re Hank I owe to you making an appoinment. And you’re ten minutes late, by the way.”
“Sorry. There was traffic.”
“I knew you’d say that. Sit down.”

The fortune teller had the body of a crystal ball, only not see through. She had Hank sit on a bed pan.
“Make yourself comfortable.” she said.
Hank wanted to hear his future because he had spent too much time living in the past, or so his therapist told him. But dealing with the present was still too scary.
“How was your day?” he asked her, making small talk.
“Not good. My spirit guide and I broke up.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah. He said he suspected me of seeing other people. And I says: ‘whatta mean “other” people? I can’t even see you!’……..Its a joke, Hank.”
“Funny. No. Its good.”
“Look, you were ten minutes late. Don’t you go giving me a hard time about my joke.”
“Can we…..”
“Get on with it?”
“Yeah.”
“I knew you were gonna say that.”

She got out her tea leaves and chicken entrails and gave them a glance.
“Well, Hank. It turns out you’ll be tortured in 72 hours.”
“What? Oh my GAWD!!!! NO!”
“Wait! Hank. Wait. I was wrong.”
“Oh. Oh. Thank god.”
“You’ll be tortured for 72 hours. For. But it won’t happen for while.”
“Oh. Oh. Thank god.”
She looked at him blankly.
“Is that it?” He asked.
“Yup…. But…. You…..wanna screw around?”
“No thanks.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah.”

On the way home, Hank stopped over at Wal-mart just to see what kind of sales they had. Not that he would ever actually buy anything there. They’re anti-union after all.

Ryan McGivern

www.bi-glass.com
www.chickenentrails.com
www.walmartmovie.com

 

October 30, 2007

Happy Birthday, Satan!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Magic, Religion
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halloweenSatan made herpes, whiskey, dancing, masturbation, Halloween, and –by extension — candy.

To celebrate this year, I read some really spooky books to get me in the mood: “Howl-a-day Inn”, “The Celery Stalks at Midnight”, and “Halloween Mad-Libs 8th Edition” which was scary even before I filled in the blank ‘verb’ and ‘adjective’ slots.

So my friend Jared threw a party last Saturday. I was really excited because parties are where I really shine. People always tell me that I am the life of the party!

And when I say “people” I mean “my mom”. And when I say they “always tell me I’m the life of the party”, I mean “one time when I was six and I had a kindergarten graduation party at Chuck E. Cheese’s”.

So me and the guys get all geared up in some awesome costumes and head over to the big Halloween bash at Jared and Mike’s apartment. I was dressed as Homestar Runner dressed as “Catwoman” from the original Batman TV series.  Derek was dressed as Sigourney Weaver from “Aliens”, and Ben was dressed as the Biblical character Deborah from the book of Judges.

There was about 5 people there and the party was bumpin’! They were playing the “Best of The Eagles” album really loud and that really got us all in the party mood. I met this guy named Scott in the kitchenette and I quickly tried to get an assessment on the beautiful ladies at the party:
“Who’s that chick in the clown costume?”
“My girlfriend.”
“Cool. That’s cool. Who’s that girl in the baby costume?”
“My sister.”
“That’s a great costume she’s got on. The three dots on her cheeks and the bonnet really sells it.”
“Yeah.”
“Great party.”

Jared had invited a girl who works at the “TCBY” across from the “China Palace” he works at in the mall. Apparently, he’s been trying to flirt with her for like seven months now and this was his first excuse to see her outside of the food court. Her name is Rikki and she came as a cat, so our costumes kind of matched, which was embarrassing. She also is a devout Jehovah Witness so she doesn’t celebrate holidays. She made Jared promise that it wouldn’t be a “Halloween” party. It needed to be billed as “a gathering of friends”. I told Jared that that was weird and he reminded me: “Prince is a Jehovah Witness. It can’t be that weird.”

Some of us were standing in the kitchen chatting, and waiting for the pumpkin bread to finish baking when all of a sudden I got stuck alone with Rikki. I tried to make some light conversation:
“So what is the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you, Rikki?”
“Being diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease.”
“…that pumpkin bread smells great, doesn’t it?”

It was getting close to the ‘witching hour’ and the party was starting to wind down so Derek, Ben, and I took off so that we could get a good night’s sleep.

We got home around 11:30 but we had eaten so much candy that we couldn’t fall asleep! We ended up telling each other spooky stories into the wee hours of the night.

To Ben, Derek, Jared, Mike and all the others: Thanks for making this Halloween so special. I love you all.

To Satan: I hope you take into consideration how much I celebrated your Birthday every year when I show up in hell.

And To Mom: Thanks for sending the cookies. They were great.

Ryan McGivern

 

September 19, 2007

The Great Year of The Quit(s) – Inspired by “The Art of Quitting” and my life

Posted by loliz under Activities, Adventure, Beauty, Bipolars!, Comedy, Justice, Magic, Philosophy, Play
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“The option of quitting has long been undervalued and underused. Advice like ‘Put your nose to the grindstone’ and ‘Give it time’ has all but supplanted the wisdom of frustration and impetuosity. The more-responsible-than-thou, more-ambitious-than-thou, tougher-than-thou attitude of anti-quitters intimidates potential quitters into shying away from risk and proceeding with the status quo. The cozy, smug security of the antiquitter is to be avoided at all costs. Quitters must not be frightened by the potentially cataclysmic outcome of a particular quit. Disaster beats stasis – better to be a rolling stone than a moss-covered rock.” (The Art of Quitting, 9)

It is not exactly clear when I began all this quitting. I am not sure how far back “the year of the quit(s)” actually extends. It could have begun in Seattle when I dropped a crazy crazy man-boy and a job and headed out to NY to go to grad school. I prefer to start the year when I “quit” dating Bipolars, which was maybe a month after the other events.

So here’s the list of all my quits not completely in order, but sort of:

  • Bipolars - I will say it again and again!
  • 35 y.o. men
  • monogamous serious relationships
  • feeling “nice”
  • liking myself as a sweet white girl
  • some really bad paper topics (I somewhere in here quit “seeing” my stepmom)
  • a Colombian that always wanted me to talk dirty in bed and I half the time sucked at it
  • long hair
  • sugar and refined flour
  • believing some people who I really believed a lot A LOT
  • believing people who think politics are superior (prior, whateverhaveyou) to ethics
  • believing that I can date in any sort of competent way
  • GRAD SCHOOL
  • Quit, quit seeing Bipolars
  • Bipolars
  • thinking of ethics in any sort of rule oriented way, almost completely
  • feeling like I need to apologize in any way for my existence even when I don’t feel “nice”
  • 25 y.o. men
  • liking my existence as a non-sweet girl
  • dating
  • OKCupid
  • trusting myself with any sort of decision making
  • and among other things, casuality…

On the positive, I did start getting pissed off. And I currently am interested in the color pink.

 

September 16, 2007

Jesus H. Christ. What a Cockblocker!

Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Improvised Writing, Magic
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[1990 years ago]

Dear Everyone,

My name is Yoni.  As I write this, I am 17. I’ll probably never give this letter to anyone, because who would believe the Son of God is a dipshit. I know all the prophecies say otherwise, and maybe he’ll someday not be such a dick, but I’ve known Jesus since our days at Nazareth Grammar School so let me tell about your “chosen one”.

  • Pride–He is always saying, “Let me pet your ‘donkey’ or I’ll get my Father to smite thee.”
  • Greed–The girls are all about him, because he is a hunk, has superb genetic lineage, and there were rumors about the size of his dong (uncut, surprisingly). Jesus has a harem of our female classmates at his beckon, and he absolutely will not share, which has left the cubbard bare for the rest us and gives me balls so blue that B.B. King would feel sorry for me. Does Jesus care? He’s too busy magically making cabernet to notice.
  • Lust–Jesus has an Oedipal complex. It makes sense because Mrs. Christ is sexy in her 2 dimensional Byzantine getup, halo, and she has that girl next door/milf thing going. And lemme tell you: Even after having a kid, that cherry ain’t popped.
  • Sloth- He once gang banged a drunk three toed sloth down by the quarry.
  • Wrath- Last summer, he sent thousands of Greeks, Buddhists, and a quarter million Confucionsits to hell because they didn’t believe in him.
  • Envy- He keeps saying to me: “I like your goat hair shirt. It’s really cool. I wish I had one. Wow. That’s cool. I bet it would look good on me.”
  • Gluttony- He once ate 2 figs in one sitting. Two! Fatass.

It’s hard to find a girl who’ll be impressed with your animal skin Valentine’s Day cards when Jesus has already healed them of their leprosy.

Oh well, me and Judas are planning to T.P. and egg his manger tonight and that’ll show him that not everyone worships the very ground he walks on!

Fatass.

 

September 11, 2007

The Average Ejaculate

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Activities, Art, Comedy, Magic, Miscellaneous, Nostalgia, Parenting, Romance, Science, Sex
1 Comment 

Too many folks have been asking for me not to answer.
The average amount of ejaculate for a man is 2 cc’s.
(5 cc’s equals a teaspoon)
That’s it.
Go figure.
I was told this on good authority from the Sperm Bank nurse/sperm wrangler.
Let your heart be at rest.

Ryan McGivern

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August 29, 2007

“Prepare to Believe” in unicorns

Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Activities, Art, Drugs, History, Magic, Play, Questions
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adam and eveThere exists a Creation Museum near Cincinnati, a $26 million dollar institution of truth that explores a literal translation of the Bible. The Creation Museum is a Disneyland for Creationists, where lucky visitors can picnic in the Garden of Eden, play voyeur to a three dimensional life-size replica of the Last Supper (make sure you throw your dinner roll at Judas), whistle at Noah at his ark’s construction site, and let your kids play with mechanical sculpted dinosaurs, because, as is common creationist knowledge, the world is only 6000 years old and humans and dinosaurs coexisted. And as if all this wasn’t enough, an official pastor is on staff to answer to your brainwashing needs!

Did you know unicorns are in the King James bible six times, including Job 39:9-10…

9 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?

10 Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee?

Unicorns must be true! The Unicorn Museum is collecting donations to place a billboard near the Creation Museum.

unicorns

 

August 22, 2007

“Sweet dreams are made of cheese…”

Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Beauty, Dreams, Food, Magic, Nostalgia, Play
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Cheese dreamsCheese contains tryptophan, an essential amino acid that aids with production of serotonin and melatonin, natural chemicals that regulate sleep and brain patterns. A study by the British Cheese Board surveyed the effects of varieties of cheeses on types of dreams. For example, it reports that of eaters of Red Leichester (nibbling an hour before bedtime), “over 60% of participants … revisited their schooldays, or long-lost childhood friends, or previous family homes and hometowns.” I’ve experimented with Stilton four times now and have been blessed with purely whimsical fantasy sequences that Roger Ebert would give three thumbs up to the moon, grasping its craters like a bowling ball, and aiming for Saturn’s moons. Cheese dreams might be a fine reason for vegans to reconsider the rigidness of their dietary belief systems and permit their lives a bit more color. Link

 

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