Nostalgia


There are other universities out there.
You know, like ones with statues of Bibles and swords out front.

There is a degree called ‘pastoral counseling’ that some of these private Bible colleges provide.

If you want to go into a profession that has come to a hard fought consensus that you are opposed to on grounds of religious belief, maybe that profession is wrong for you. At the very least, you can keep your unfounded thoughts to yourself while at an accredited university that holds people to high professional standards. That way, you could sneak through, get your degree, and then go about ruining people’s lives by imposing your convictions on them.

It would have been simple.

But as it stands now, I figure you can still apply for a Bible college and get started this fall. Who knows? Maybe its God’s plan for you to go to North Central University in Minneapolis, an Assemblies of God college and my alma mater. They have a Social Work degree and are avowedly anti-gay.

Best of luck to you,
Ryan

http://www.northcentral.edu/academics/programs
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/07/27/georgia-university-tells-student-lose-religion-lawsuit-claims/

Dear Dean Cordle,

I am writing in regards of Assistant Professor Mike Adams.
I am a Christian and I have spent the last many years involved in interfaith dialogue and social justice actions.
I am shocked by the recent developments and statements made by Mr. Adams. I have familiarized myself with his writings online and his statements on those he sees as ‘heathens’.
I was almost convinced that the ideas he espouses were made by another using his identity online–for they were so full of bitterness, slander, obstinance and rancor. Knowing that he has contact with young people at all let alone a university is frankly frightening.
I do not believe that it is outlandish to say that he seems imbalanced and in a very unhealthy state of mind. I am worried for the learning atmosphere of UNCW and the ability for all students to attend his classes without fear of reprisal or character assassination.
I know that Mr. Adams is not reflective of the integrity and high standards of your university. I do hope that the administration of UNCW will be able to use the full extent of their authority to ensure that an environment of civil, measured discourse is maintained and that all students can feel safe in class and on campus.

Contact Dean David Cordle at UNCW
cordled@uncw.edu

Fox News ran a scientific poll* of true Americans asking what should be done about our nation’s war with foreign forces invading its precious and divinely unique soil**.
The answer came back unflinchingly:
88% said: “Yes – A portion of America has been surrendered to foreign forces, clear and simple. Send in REAL troops to secure the border, then work on reform.”
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2010/06/18/decide-troops-arizona-border-mexican-drug-gangs-congress/?test=latestnews

It is clear and simple that our beloved and innocent Land of Freedom has fallen to insidious forces whose origins and agendas we can only begin to guess. Whether you choose to call them Illegals or Satan’s Minions, you can rest assured that they have made America surrender a portion of her sweet Lady of Liberty Parts***.

Their Secret Army is everywhere and cleverly disguised. Take Sargeant Moreno of the Fresno Police Department for example.
“My parents immigrated to Texas in 1961 and worked near El Paso where I was born. And I got a job working with the police force in Los Angeles and moved to Fresno in 2002.”
What this so-called police officer fails to mention is that his parents are undocumented. Another portion of America sullied and lost to the Enemy.

Or take Dolores Jiminez of Wichita Kansas, 57 year old grandmother of two: Enemy.

Their forces are all around us: working with us, living next door, drinking beer with you, loaning you their ladders and helping you clean your gutters. They are earning your trust–but why? To befriend you and make you feel like a complete and total asshole for once hating them.

I wish I could say there was an easy solution, but in fact there is a complex two-part solution.
1) A Huge Wall. Get the plans from Berlin or Palestine or the Maginot Line and begin a wall to rival that of The Great Wall of China. Think of the possibilities! Even if it doesn’t work, thousands of years from now, people can come look at it and think of the brutish fear and failed strategies that fueled it.
2) Launch a Full Scale Deployment of the Army, Navy, Marines, and Air Force to the Nation’s ‘Other War’. Its time to stop fooling around and get to brass tacks. I say we draft up some teens, arm ‘em with drones and Cobra helicopters and wait for the dust to settle in say 10 or 15 years.

Of course, maybe I’m over-reacting. But if I’m to believe Fox News, 88% of True American Patriots are with me on this. Let’s do it America. Let’s be great again. You know, like when we interned Japanese.

*the poll is not scientific
**God bless America
***Those were reserved for Jesus

There is only one sound in the world that could crumble the mighty walls of Jericho: the humble vuvuzela.
And yes, the Little Trumpet That Could is the musical equivalent of Rocky: small and unassuming but full o’ heart.
But if I might just interrupt you briefly from your 180 decibel bleating…
Could you please take a moment to allow me to enjoy the resonating echo of my inner-ear dying?

I know: you’re excited. You’re ‘in the spirit of things’. I get it.

But seeing as this is our first sexual encounter, I may remind you that first impressions are lasting impressions.
I hope that the look on my face is interpreted as pain–but not the ‘good’ kind of pain that I usually would enjoy from this current sex act.
When you didn’t respond to my flicking on and off my Lava Lamp in a Morse Code saying: “You Rotten Bastard (stop) I’ll Never Hear The Sound Of My Future Grandchildrens’ Voices (stop).”
So I moved to address you with other senses–I tapped on the mat declaring surrender, I vomited down the end of your vuvuzela, and finally I released a musky spray from a gland I didn’t know I had.

Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.
But I will say that I feel my cymbal playing skills have been a little upstaged.

There’s been a lot of internet chatter about Justin Bieber (pop sensation, well groomed teen) having Syphilis.
Is it true?

Well, let’s look at the facts:
1) Justin Bieber is real.
2) Syphilis is real.
3) “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” –Hamlet
You make the call.

Regardless if Bieber’s got Bieber Fever or not, its a great thing that he’s been labelled Tinsel Town’s latest Chancre Sam.
Check it out:
If Bieber’s got a sore spot for the Sore Spots, that means that Syphilis will become even more popular with the kids and it will become a hot new fad for this Fall’s Back to School Sales. Target can run ads like: “Seeing Spots?” with their ‘target’ logo. Its a marketing no-brainer!
If Bieber does not have Syphilis (which may be the case–let’s not jump to conclusions) he will be spotlighting a new trend that’s sure to take off with the kids and will become a new fad for this Fall’s Back to School Sales. Old Navy can run ads like: “Having Fun is Contagious!” Its a marketing no-brainer.

Now some of you, Bieber included, might be asking: How did I catch Syphilis? That’s a great albeit moot question.
Syphilis can be caught through vaginal and anal sex–but remember! you don’t have to do both to catch it. Even just one of those can do the trick. Oral, even though its not sex, can still pass on Syphilis. So you know what that means: free season on handjobs everybody!

I remember my friend in Junior High coming to me and saying that he thought he’d caught Syphilis and I was like: “Ugh! Why am I always the last one?” and he was like: “Yeah I caught it from a toilet seat.” and I was like: “No way. I saw a Roseanne episode that said you can’t get it from toilet seats.” So because of my stupid advice Tim Purlic didn’t get it checked out. And later he died of Syphilis. It was all my fault. What I should have said was: “You’d have to have sex with a freshly ‘had sex with’ toilet seat to get Syphilis.” I still feel guilty.

A Who’s Who in Syphilis:
Napolean Bonaparte: This pint sized hottie had a gallon of Syphilis and a side of ‘ooooh la la’ to last for days. When he wasn’t galliantly riding his ever-rearing horse, he was guzzlin’ down 40 oz.s of arsenic to smooth out his Syphilis rages. (Yes, Syphilis gives you rages kids! Not just kinda like taking steroids–exactly like that. Think about that as you ready for the next season of football.)

Al Capone: Dude. Need we say more? That’s how gangsta this disease is. The whole movie The Untouchables is a thinly veiled metaphor for how powerful and strong one becomes on ‘the Syph’. (Yes, Syphilis gives you strength and power kids! Not just kinda like taking steroids–exactly like that.)

Bottom Line:
I’ve always enjoyed Justin Bieber’s music. And nothing will ever change that. Except for the appearance of another teen sensation that will make me first hate and then forget about Justin Bieber.

Syphilis Information:
http://www.cdc.gov/std/Syphilis/STDFact-Syphilis.htm

We are in a time where the conversation over legalizing drugs is out of the fringes and well into the mainstream.

How can this be? Can there be an assessment of a product, commodity, or service that takes into account the total of social and environmental effects to rationally address the benefits and costs of legalization versus criminal bans? Many cultures have shown that indeed we can.

And this process goes both ways: welcoming products into the market that prove to be safe and excluding or restricting others that pose threats.

The ‘free market’ that many Americans and other capitalist/corporatist folks espouse has never really been a totally free market. Many countries operate under a form of ‘controlled market’, ie they control, limit, and oversee how products and services are used, distributed, taxed, which are safe for minors etc.

Just as many are now open to having the conversation about the benefits of decriminalizing drugs, there is currently a growing number of folks worldwide who are ready to discuss and advocate for the banning of oil for the commercial use as petrol.

What these folks are saying is that governments, national and transnational, can and should express their power to control the market in such a way that diesel and gasoline for private use and consumption should be made illegal.

Here’s what we know about oil:
1) It is toxic in all its forms. Whether it is through oil spills in the ocean or burned and released into the atmosphere, oil destroys the environment and decreases the quality of life for humans. See Mindflowers’ previous post “Where does all the oil go?” here: http://mindflowers.net/2010/05/22/guest-post-where-does-all-the-oil-go/

2) It is obviously poisonous to burn. Think of the ‘car in the garage’ mode of suicide. My mother would kill animals that she live trapped invading her house by putting them in a bag and placing it around the muffler. (Only after multiple releases in the forest proved that they were adept at finding their way back–still grisly I know). This is extreme I know. Cars usually zip about the open road and animals aren’t falling dead all around our Hummers’ bumpers but collectively this gas accrues and slowly poisons ecosystems. Like cigarettes, the intended and proper use of gas is deadly.

3) Oil companies know that burning fossil fuels is harmful to the environment, quality of life, and exacerbates radical human caused climate change. Like the cigarette companies, oil corporations tried to cover up the effects of using their product through sham science and quakery. See the Guardian’s article about Exxon and the quack science front The Advancement of Sound Science Coalition who also was puppeted by Phillip Morris here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2006/sep/19/ethicalliving.g2

4) Oil companies have the largest profits of any other industry ever. Although they posture as humble servants of the common good providing the ‘go juice’ that our cultures thrive upon, they have proven to be just as cut-throat, gouging, and manipulative as you might expect any drug cartel or snakeoil salesperson to be. Their huge profits have not been translated into better environmental safety precautions obviously given the current BP spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Note that not only is BP utterly incapable of doing anything about the accident–no other companies have stepped up to aid or help or advise. That means that all oil companies would be in the same predicament should their wells go wrong. See Rachel Maddow on this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6LoMRxyqH8

I know that there will remain some who will respond to the case for criminalizing the private consumption of oil by saying: “Our economies need oil! We need oil for transportation, import/export, farming, air travel, etc.! Our world runs on oil!”

“Our world runs on oil.” Where does that messaging come from? Could it be the top five most profitable corporations in the world who happen to be oil companies? Think of an abusive domestic partner: what do they say? “You need me! Who brings home the paycheck? How’d you pay rent?” One must consider where the messaging is coming from. Are we told that by government? Who’s paying the govenment to say that? In 2006, oil and gas companies paid over 19 million dollars to political campaigns (82% of which went to Republicans and 18% to Democrats). See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Energy_Lobby

What are we to make of BP’s Deepwater Horizon oil platform? Why are oil companies drilling deeper in the oceans? Why are oil companies going through the rigorous, dirty, and non-efficient means of extracting oil from oil sands which causes two to four times the greenhouse gases per barrel of conventional oil processing? (See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oil_sands)

Simply, because the oil resources of our world are being quickly depleted. How long do you imagine our recoverable oil reserves will last the world’s projected demand? 100 years? 50 years? How about less than 30.
See this infographic: http://io9.com/5535851/how-much-oil-will-be-wasted-in-the-deepwater-spill

We know that in thirty years time, the world will be largely without oil. No gas, no diesel. Will the world screech to a halt and be taken over by zombies or roving bands of extras from the Mad Max films? No. You and I can guess that just as oil disappears, a ‘new’ innovation will replace it.

So let’s not be naive. Do we believe that the oil companies don’t have plans for this transition? Reasonable people can see the game: oil companies use up all the world’s oil (and still retain their world dominating profits) all the while destroying environments and people’s health only to magically reveal that whoop! they’ve got a replacement for us.

We won’t buy into it. We want to transition now. We won’t wait for another 30 years of oil spills, of degradation of our planet just to satisfy some corporations’ lust for power and greed.

Unfortunately for many because of city development and commuting requirements, and house heating options, oil and gas are still required. However, we demand of our politicians, religious leaders, and industry innovators: join us in transitioning out of the insane culture of oil.

The case against oil is being mainstreamed. The people speaking against oil are middle-class folks, hard working people from every political background and religious tradition. We are not radicals, ‘hippies’, or unreasonable. We know the effects of oil on our cities and our quality of life. We know that there is a better way of life and we will never back down from our vision of social and environmental justice. We are everywhere, we are informed, and holding to the values of our faith, family, and reason we will continue mainstreaming the case to criminalize oil.

It is time to take California back from the corporate-elite and put it into the hands of a corporate-elite turn quasi politician!
Hello, its me Meg Whitman.
I want to speak to you today about getting California Green. And by that I mean getting California Republicans to allow me to buy their votes.
If ‘grassroots’ campaigning means ‘throw money all over the ground and let the stupid masses swarm to it like pigslop’ then yes, I’m running a grassroots campaign.
I’ve stirred the hearts of the GOP party! At first anyway.
What more do you want from me? 68 Million dollars spent in campaigning not enough?
You want substance? Experience? Coherence? Leadership?
Your current Governor has leadership experience saving John Conner from a liquid metal machine from the future!

Steve Poizner says I’m not ‘strong enough on undocumented residents’. I’m proposing to build a wall like mother fucking Berlin across our entire border! Amnesty? Hate the word. Sanctuary? Get outta here.
What more do you want? A hunting season?

Well, if rabid fear mongering and xenophobia are what you want–I’ll give it to you! In beautifully shot advertisements that will play ceaselessly even after I’m elected governor.
Sheesh. How can Mountain Dew effectively market a bright yellow green, semi opaque, kidney destroying and organ-fat enveloping syrup with as little as Pepsi’s 1.2 Billion brand overhaul and I can hardly shill out my vapid rightwing rhetoric at 68 Million? 

I guess I’ll never understand how to buy an election primary.  

Dear Dr. George Rekers,

One’s coming out process is often difficult. There are just as many ways to ‘be out’ within one’s community and family as there are ways to express one’s sexuality. But it certainly is never preferable to be outed before one is ready or in a way that portrays their sexuality in a way that doesn’t feel right.

I’m sorry that you may be facing just such a situation now.

But I want you to know that there are many thousands of LGBTQ Christians, their families and allies who will be willing to welcome you without reservation or judgment in their congregations and at the Communion table.

Though in the past you have written such articles as one titled  “An Empirically-Supported Rational Basis For Prohibiting Adoption, Foster Parenting, And Contested Child Custody By Any Person Residing In A Household That Includes A Homosexually-Behaving Member” and perpetuated the falsehood that homosexuality may be ‘treated and cured’, we know that God is able to bring everyone into a greater loving understanding. We welcome you as you are: an equal sibling in the Kindom of God and invite you to enjoy the love of Christ while living in the fullness of who you are–without feeling that you must hide anything.

I do not speak for all LGBTQ Christian individuals or communities, of course. I know that many are still hurt by your past actions. But with the power of the Spirit there will be many to embrace all of who you are.

In Love, Ryan McGivern

Okay okay okay! I’ll take another shot of whiskey.
You guys. You guys are peer pressurerers. Okay. One! Two!….Waitaminute.
Let’s get something real straight here. Let’s make a deal shall we?
Okay. Look. My bargain is this. Let the Wookie win.
No, just kidding! Okay.
My deal: I take this shot. And you guys do not put that foot and a half long eel up my ass when I pass out.

That’s it. That’s the deal or I walk away.
As a sign of trust I’ll take off my pants and underwear. There. That good enough for you?
Okay here I go! One! Two! Three! Wow! That one burned dude. That shot hurt soooooo good.
What are you doing with the eel? No. Why? You do not have to “take it out for a walk” dude. I’ve owned that eel for like five years and never once has it been taken for a walk.
Its an eel. Not a reptile. Not even a…….a….amphibian. Amphibian! Wow. That drink hit me hard. Hahahahahahaha!

Would you guys rather ‘do’ Jessica Alba or Megan Fox? Or who’s that one chick…from Battlestar Galactica?
Cylon. The Cylon. You know who I mean. Are you a Cylon? Hahahahhahah!
Where’s the eel? No. Dude. Seriously. Where is the eel? Somebody better produce a live eel right now.
Is the eel a Cylon? Hahahahhahahaha. Where is the eel.

Gawd I’m hammered. You know who I should call right now? Ray’s sister. I’m just kidding! Dude. JK. LOL. Dude. Ray. Don’t be like that. I don’t even like your sister like that. You can’t take a joke man.
I’m tired. I’m gonna lay down for a minute. I’m so tired its like…..Dude. Its like. Have you ever got your wisdom taken out?…I mean wisdom teeth. If you guys….draw a moustache on me or….put that eel up my ass I swear to gawd.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2954500/Chef-dies-after-feeling-eel.html?OTC-RSS

Arizona–Jan Brewer lifted her voice in triumph, mimicking the blood lusty shriek of a teradactyl this morning as she surveyed her dusty wasteland. She celebrated the passing of SB1070, known as the “I’m Not Racist Or Anything…But” Bill by wiping her lily white pure European blooded ass with a copy of the Constitution.
“It feels good to begin the final solution of our alien invasion.” She said, clogging a toilet with a copy of the Bill of Rights and mounds of her steaming filth.

Many white people applauded the Bill. One Scottsdale resident, Yancy McGreagor, put a sign in his yard reading: “I Am Willing To Cheapen My Own Humanity For Some ‘Us Versus Them’ Politics!”
Mr. McGreagor told reporters, “I don’t care who this Bill is against. So long as its not against me. Has anyone seen my landscaper, nanny, pool guy, dog walker, housekeeper, or my daughter’s boyfriend? Man, where is everybody?”

The Bill, requires police to request proof of citizenship of any brown skinned people they may suspect of not being in the US legally.
The Bill has a number of other clauses including:
“Article 45: Police are required to congratulate White people for being White and give big hugs to redheaded or really pale people.”

A number of Americans are reacting with anger and disgust at the new Bill, many citing “the Constitution”, “Common sense and decency”, “the rule of law and not being an idiot”, “Christian morals” among other arguments many of which contain swear words and head shaking.

Jan Brewer spent the rest of the day looking at pictures of James Earl Ray and masturbating.

The full mailing address is:
The Honorable Jan Brewer
Governor of Arizona
1700 West Washington
Phoenix, Arizona 85007

Telephone (602) 542-4331
Toll Free 1-(800) 253-0883
Fax (602) 542-1381

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