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August 15, 2011

Script: Harrison Ford In Love

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Love, Play, Script
[3] Comments 

Harrison Ford in Love

Principle Characters

B-Boy
F-Friend
C-Counselor
G-Girl

Note: all ‘scenes’ are located together. Places as designated in the script are differentiated only by light change, color change, background noise etc. Thrust stage

Two Chairs

C: Good. Keep going. Be specific.

B: Hmm. That’s hard. I would like to maybe move back to Mankato. There’s an opening for an internship there. And I know some people there.

C: Sounds like it may be a good opportunity.

B: I think so. My friend tells me, ‘capitalize’, ‘seize the day’ kind of stuff. You know?

C: The question is, Mr. Kropf…Do you know?
Couch

B: Hey! Hey, whoa! Good to hear your voice! How are you? Hey there! Wow, nice to hear your voice. How’s it going? (calls number on cell phone) Whoa. Hi. What’s up? Not much. Good to hear your voice again.

Table

F: He’s always saying things like ‘I would kill for a latte right now’ and his eyes are just kinda vacant you know? Like a wanted poster stare.

B: Uh, yesterday, I called…

F: Just a freak. And he’s really into outdoorsy stuff. Hunting. Rifles, guns. I do not trust this guy at all. Not one bit. But, he is supposed to be the best dermatologist in the twin cities so, what can you do?

B: I called that girl from Chino’s

F: You know, if you find me someday, in a Dumpster, with my tongue pulled through my neck and my eyes gouged out-you know who did it. That’s all I’m saying. Dead at 26. At least my skin will be clear.

B: I called that girl from the club yesterday.

F: No!

B: Yeah.

F: Well, well, tell, tell!

B: It was horrible. She had no idea who I was. I had to describe myself like I was giving eyewitness testimony to a crime. Brown hair. Brown eyes…

F: What’d you say your weight was?

B: She didn’t remember me at all.

F: Well, that’s weird. That’s weird dude. What kind of girl is this? I mean she was kidding right? She had to have been expecting a call from you. I mean, she gave you her number right?

Club

B: (standing next to G who is not listening) My mom tried to feminize me a lot you know? She had me in dance lessons. Tap. My brother played baseball. A bit of Jazz, some Ballroom. She had me wear those little shorts with knee high socks, decorated my room in Georgia O’Keefe prints. Whatever manhood I may have once had as a nine year old, she stole from me. Could’ve been worse though. I like O’Keefe. Good sense of color, great composition.

Club Guy: (comes up to G and gives her a hug) Have you been in hiding? I haven’t seen you in like weeks! Have you seen Dave? He’s here! We’re going to the Fine Line after, you should come!

G: Sure!

CG: Give me you number again quick would you? We’ll call if we get a cab.

G: Great! Its 612-050…(B quickly flips his phone out and types it in)

 

            Table

F: That is against the law, I think.

B: What?

F: You can’t number nab like that! That’s stalker stuff. Case of Minnesota vs. Creepy Ass Stalker stuff.

B: You’re the one who pressured me into being there, who’s always telling me to get out of my comfort zone.

F: Get out of your comfort zone, fine. But not jump into other strangers’.

B: You didn’t let me finish the story though. I gave her my number too…Made it even.

F: She didn’t give you her number then?

B: No. Why should she? What does it matter? I had it already.

F: Listen, I gotta go. Will you be ok here alone? (exits)

B: (dials cell)

MomVoiceOver: You have reached the Kropfs, we can’t get to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you at our earliest available convenience. BEEP

B: Hi, Mom. Its me, I just called to say thank you for being such and awesome mom and not screwing me up at all. (hangs up, then dials cell again)

MomVoiceOver: You have reached the Kropfs, we can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you at our earliest available convenience. BEEP

B: Me again. I was being sarcastic, if you couldn’t tell….and I’ll be by tomorrow to pick up my laundry. (hangs up)

Two Chairs

C: You have many talents. The world’s at your feet.

B: I know. I mean I know my strengths and I can do a lot if I try but… I once wanted to be in the circus did I ever tell you that? Not like Cirque de Soliel of one of those girl circuses but the Man’s circus. Drugged, beaten animals, clowns with sordid pasts, teen runaways, carcinogenic foam cowboy hats. I wanted to be the guy in the cannon.

C: Sounds dangerous. Its said that women are attracted to men of daring.

B: That’s not why I wanted to do it. I think I hoped they’d load too much gun powder in and I’d explode. When I found out that it was just a pneumatic platform in there that gently pushes out Cannon Guy, I lost interest.

C: Sounds destructive. You wanted to explode–be incinerated in front of an onlooking crowd?

B: I know, I know. It’s a pattern. I once wanted to be a school teacher too.

 

           

            Car

B: (picks up cell phone) What’s up buddy? Not much. Just chillin’ behind some jackass going 20 miles per hour on his cell phone. What’s up? No, I haven’t seen it, dude. Did you look in the foyer by your shoes? Yeah? Uh, how about the aquarium? Yeah, I’ll hold on. No go? Check the vegetable drawer in the…oh. Not in the fridge at all huh? (looks at cell) Hey, can you hold on a second? I’ve got a call on the other line. Dude! I’ll call you back! I think it’s the girl from the bar the other night. Yeah! (clicks over) Hello?

Couch

B: Do you think some people are just meant to be alone?

F: Monks, the criminally insane, Elvis in the later years, and you. Why?

B: Seriously.

F: Seriously, I don’t want to be an accomplice to your pity party, and I can see where this is going. I’ve told you dude-you’ve got to get your bait in the water, quit being such a defeatist. I try to help you, like Jane Goodall to some silverback, and you’re always making up reasons why you are undateable. Dude, you are hot and need to see that.

B: Come on…

F: You are hot. Maybe not ‘commentable hot’, but more of an ‘unspoken but understood hot’. Which is better, probably.

B: I’ve just got a lot of stuff to deal with.

F: Excuses. You had like one girlfriend in 11th grade who cheated on you with the Spanish teacher. Big deal. Move on with your life. I try to help you, but you don’t want it.

B: You call what you do help? You berate me, make light of my problems. You invalidate my emotions. You’re like…like a…

F: Magical genie who tells you the truth and tries to help you. Floats around at your beck and call. Its Saturday night, what are you doing? Staring into the mirror, listening to Chris Isaak. I tell you, come out with us, grab a drink, have a good time. “No, I’m just gonna stay home and sulk and wear sweat pants.”

B: I can’t help I am the way I am. You’re very callous sometimes.

F: I’ve got to be with you. You have made me callous. Heartless even. You have made me the monster I am. But its good for you.

B: Ok, try seeing how great a counsel you are. You be me and I’ll be you. Role reversal. You up for this?

F: I don’t think you can handle you.

B: You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

F: No I do. But be ready to look into the mirror of your soul….Have we started already?

B: No.

F: How will we know? Are you me right now?

B: No. Here, I’ll drop my arm when we start ok? (B raises arm and drop it. At the same moment, F starts crying and B yells-) Shaddup you big baby!
Car (on cell)

B: You will not believe who I just got off the phone with. Yes! Her! Yes she called me! Well, she was trying to call her landlord and saw my number in her ‘missed calls’ list and thought that was him. But! but what is important is that she didn’t hang up when she found out it was me! Can you believe it! Of all the people she could accidentally call she calls me! Luck has changed for me maybe! How about you? You found it yet? Ohh, not enough luck to go around I guess. Change is in the air, my friend. Things are going my way. Hey, lemme call you back real quick. (hangs up, yells out window) Go! What’s your problem man? Go! (gets out of car) What? You got a problem? That’s right. Tough guy. You’re a tough guy. Keep driving, asshole!

Two Chairs

B: I once planned on joining the clergy.

C: Would you have found fulfillment in the ministry?

B: I loved the Exorcist movies. And Godfather Three actually. Sean Connery in The Name of the Rose. Now, I know its not all exciting and glamorous like that all the time. But at least you get your weeks off. Probably have to work a lot of holidays though. Easter, Labor Day. The whole celibate thing wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for me, probably.

C: Not all men of the cloth have to takes vows of celibacy. My pastor for instance, is happy married,

B: Let’s change the subject all right? I didn’t mean for this to turn into a tent revival. Ok? Amen.

            Standing

F: Do you think my ex-girlfriends would come to my wedding?

B: Uh, Maybe. Some might. Not the ones you screwed over. Why?

F: I want my wife to see all the chicks I’ve dated…

B: As a warning? “This is what you’ll look like when I’m through with you.”

F: I want her to see that all these women, beautiful as they may be, could never have got my heart like she does.

B: That’s sweet. Won’t she be creeped out by the sheer quantity of this tawdry assemblage? If they all did come, they’d fill your whole side of the church. Your parents would have to sit outside. Old, haggard, bitter women, chain smoking, destitute. The smell of Hepatitis heavy in the air…

F: I do want to get married someday.

B: Not me dude. You’ll never tie me down. “Live fast die young.”

F: Yeah, you’re a regular James Dean.

B: No, sir. I’m Harrison Ford. Made to be single. You could never catch him in love. Could you see Indiana Jones with a wife? Think about it. Wouldn’t happen.

F: Han Solo and Princess Leia were married.

B: They were not married.

F: Yes they were!

B: They were boyfriend and girlfriend.

F: …..The Fugitive was married.

B: His wife was killed by the one armed man. Doesn’t count. Harrison Ford cannot love- and any woman who gets close to him will be covered in bugs or die immediately. Sure, ok: you could cite Blade Runner’s alternate ending with him and Sean Young, but still: Sean Young was a cyborg. Doesn’t count.

F: (sarcastic) Your line of reasoning is beyond reproach! How do you get this stuff? By the way, Harrison Ford is a real person. Not the characters he plays. Even if you were Harrison Ford…

B: Its like James Bond when he married Tracy de Vincenzo in the movie In Her Majesty’s Secret Service. What happened to her? Gunned down in the next scene! It can’t happen.

F: Harrison Ford didn’t play James Bond.

B: But you get the point.

F: Someday you will fall in love, and be loved. Deal with it.

B: You haven’t heard a word I’ve said have you? (cell rings) Ohmygod.

F: What?

B: Its her. The girl. From the club.

F: What did I tell you, baby!

B: She probably is trying to call her landlord again. I’ll let it go to voice mail.

F: You answer that phone right now!

B: She probably has an ant problem, wants out of the lease.

F: Give me that phone!

B: Has a clogged toilet or something…..rats…(answers cell) Hello?

Two Chairs

B: When I was 10, I wanted to be a talk show host. I watched Johnny Carson every night. My dad would let me stay up. I would put on shows for my dad, and have interviews with my dog Barrymore. I would be Johnny and Barrymore would be Don Rickles. My dad would laugh and laugh.

C: I think that’s a wonderful dream! Whatever happened to it?

B: I saw my dad naked in the YMCA locker room.

           

Movie Theatre (B is seated, eating popcorn, F comes down aisle)

F: Psst! Hey, psst! (B turns and waves) Sorry, I’m late buddy. Ugh!

B: Traffic? (F reaches in popcorn box, its empty) Sorry. I finished it.

F: Its not even the previews yet! Traffic on 62 was hell. Its freezing in here!

B: I’m kinda warm.

F: Minnesotans have no right-no right to complain about any sort of weather that may ever occur here when they purposely subject themselves to this. If this was outside, people would be gnashing teeth, rioting, complaining for weeks. ‘I don’t care about the snow, but the cold! Can’t escape it.’

B: Well, we went out yesterday,

F: Parkas, mittens, ‘A northeasterly wind out of Canada.’ Its ridiculous. I’m gonna talk with the manager.

B: We went to the Como Zoo.

F: Like there’s a manager even here. Just five 17 year old drug addicts ripping tickets, squirtin’ yellow stuff on overpriced popcorn.

B: Here, borrow my jacket. (he puts it on) We went to Como Zoo yesterday.

F: Right! I’ve been meaning to ask you, I was gonna call you today. How’d it go? You worked your magic…

B: We went to Como, it was pretty fun I guess. Nice weather. One of the gorillas had a blood clot in his leg, so you know, there were a lot of veterinarians whipping through the park on their golf carts, had the gorilla in the bucket scoop of a bulldozer. Took a team to roll him into an ambulance. To him over to Abbott hospital. A lot of kids were standing around crying. I heard parents saying “Its alright. He’ll be fine.” There’s no promises with blood clots! That thing gets loose and hits his lung…or his brain…

F: Tell me about the date! Was she fun? What happened?

Zoo (sounds of animals and sirens)

G: Poor monkey. There’s no promises with blood clots. That thing could get loose, and end up in his lung, or brain…

B: I think I love you.

Movie Theatre

F: Wow. (in disbelief)

B: It seemed like the thing to do. I don’t know why I did it.

F: ‘I think I love you?’

B: It was my first date. I was nervous, I didn’t know what to say.

F: Do you love her?

B: No. No, no, no. I said ‘I think I love you.’ Which is a far cry from ‘I love you.’

F: You’re right. Totally different. You never say you think you love anything! I’ve never even heard you say you like something! You said Disneyland was alright. The most excited I’ve seen you get was over the DVD release of “the Dark Crystal”, which you said was ‘pretty sweet.’ You must have freaked this girl out, man. I mean are you serious? What did she say?

Zoo

G: Are you serious?

Movie Theatre

B: You see? You’re always on my case: ‘Do this, do that.’ ‘Get your bait in the water.’ What happens when I put my self out there? Berate me, make fun of my problems…

F: I’m just saying its hard for me to see my star pupil, my protégé make such a fundamental mistake. Love, saying the word, thinking about the word, saying you’re thinking about the word is not something to fuck with. Its like an ecosystem. You know?

B: No, I don’t know.

F: You either have got spotted owls or not. And if you do, then you’ve got to ask yourself: Do I really need a spotted owl? (lights dim, previews start)

VoiceOver1: In River’s End Montana, everyone is family.

VO2: Morning, Patty.

VO3: Howdy Ben.

VO1: But every family has secrets.

VO4: Something’s in the cellar.

VO5: Get off my land!

VO4: Something is very wrong here.

VO1: This summer, booking a vacation to River’s End could turn into a permanent stay.

VO6: Why don’t you relax, have some coffee?

VO7: Hold on to something!

VO5: Aaaaaghh!

VO4: Mommy, why isn’t River’s End on the map?

VO6: Looks like its gonna be a long, hot summer.

VO4: Aaaaaaggh!

VO7: Have you ever wondered why there’s no graveyards here? Think about it!

VO1: River’s End- population: murdered.

B: That looks good. Ben Affleck is always good.

F: We’re getting out of here, c’mon.

B: Why?

F: There’s no popcorn, I’m freezing, you’re telling women you love them. We’re leaving. (they exit)

Driving (B and F separately)

F: (calls on cell) Hey, buddy.

B: Hey,

F: Look, I’ll rent you that movie sometime.

B: Don’t worry about it.

F: I just couldn’t stay there. But, I called to say I’m sorry.

B: Ahh, don’t worry about it.

F: No, you’re right. I should be happy for you.

B: No, I know it wouldn’t work out between us. Look, I just got nervous and said it. I’m over it. I had a good time with her, but maybe we’ll just be friends or something.

F: You’re a good man, buddy. You know, I’m kinda proud of you, really.

B: After five years of friendship, I’ve finally earned your respect.

F: I’m just saying, that I shouldn’t be so hard on you, that’s all. (looks at phone)

B: You got another call?

F: Yeah, I’m looking to see who…9287? That number ring a bell? Is that Jon?

B: Oh! No, that’s her.

F: What do you mean?

B: That’s her. I told her to give you a call.

F: Are you serious?

B: Yeah, I told her all about you. Told her she should give you a call.

F: I am not taking this call, buddy.

B: Dude, why not? I think you’d like her.

F: If you think I am going to take this call…

B: (slams on brakes, avoiding accident) Dude, I’ll call you back. (hangs up cell, gets out of car) What’s your problem man? You got a problem? Get back in your car, that’s what I thought! (lights out on B)

F: (clicks over on cell) Hello?

Two Chairs

C: Our time is almost up,

B: Yeah, well, I have to get to Calculus, or I’ll be counted late.

C: I think we made some headway today.

B: Yeah?

C: Yeah. Come spring you’ll have your ducks in a row don’t worry.

B: My what?

C: Ducks in a row.

F: Well, thanks. You’ve been real helpful.

C: You know, before you go, I was in your shoes once. No job prospects, a single guy, no real future to speak of…But, I got my college degree under my belt, a little spit and polish, and there you go! You see?

B: Sure, thanks.

C: No problem.

Table

F: (on cell laughing and talking nonsense like a robot and a baby alternately) Hahaha, ok, I’ll see you in a little bit. Bye-bye. She says ‘hello’.

B: Oh.

F: We’re going to “River’s End, M.O.” tonight. That Ben Affleck movie.

B: Cool.

F: Thanks again buddy, by the way. I mean, its not weird for you? Us going out?

B: No. No. I’m totally cool.

F: You’re a good man. A sage, a scholar, a man of the arts, full of wisdom and grace!

B: You know, my counselor said to me once,

F: You’re seeing a counselor? A shrink! You didn’t tell me?

B: My job counselor. Career placement guy at the U.

F: Oh.

B: He said, ‘common sense is quite uncommon’.

F: hmmm.

B: ‘Its good to dream big dreams….

F: right.

B: …..and even better to live them.’ He’s full of stuff like that.

F: I bet. Say, I’ve got to run, I’ve got to meet her like (checks watch) right now. See ya buddy.

B: See ya dude, have fun. (F exits and B dials on cell)

MomVoiceOver: You have reached the Kropfs, we can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you at our earliest available convenience. BEEP

B: You know, ….(checks phone) I got another call, I’ll call you back. (clicks over)

F: Hey, you know, we were just talking and were wondering if you’d want to meet us out at the club after the movie.

B: No, I’ll just stay in tonight.

F: C’mon! It’ll be fun!

B: No, no, no.

Club

(the three of them are dancing.)

THE END

 

January 26, 2011

Script: The Tailor’s New Emperor (a scene for three actors)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, History, Play, Script
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(scene is in a wide courtyard outside the palace striped with the shadows of arches. Emperor’s Spokesperson and Clipboard Assistant are addressing Rabble.)

Emperor’s Spokesperson: All right, settle down you rabble!
Rabble: (muttering)
Emperor’s Spokesperson: I’m going to count to ten. No three. I’m counting to three. Second to the last one to be quiet won’t be able to watch the next execution and the last one to be quiet will be executed! One, Two, Three…
Rabble: (still muttering)
ES: I don’t believe it! By Gods. Shatttup will you!
Clipboard Assistant: Maybe you could try a different approach.You know, sometimes you get more bees with honey.
ES: You mean pollen.
CA: Pardon?
ES: Bees make honey. But they want pollen.
CA: I’ve got your Epi-Pen in my fanny pack by the way.
ES: (to rabble) Look you mouth-breathing dirty-fingernail pyramid-making fly-gathering hoi polloi! Shut your mouths!
CA: You don’t understand these people. I grew up among them. All they hear all day is yelling and the snapping of whips. You’ve got to finesse the masses. Look, right here: rule number 4 of ‘Tyranny for Dummies’ (points at clipboard)
ES: (reads) “subtle coercion may not save you time, but it will save you your vocal chords.” Bah! That’s why we shoulda brought a bullhorn out here. Coercion.
CA: Think of them as a lovely person who’s eye your trying to catch at the supermarket.
ES: ….I buy a lot of baby food and diapers and tell them “I don’t have children yet”…and then stare at them as a conversation opener.
CA: Is that what you do?
ES: Well, I would if I shopped at supermarkets. I just have my servants place grapes in my mouth when I’m hungry.
CA: It is said that non-verbal communication is more important than anything you say.
ES: (pulls out a gun)
CA: Okay, you get points for trying, but watch….(gently puts down clipboard and tightens fanny pack and begins to strut back and forth like Mick Jagger in front of Rabble, after a couple of spins and high kicks Rabble’s attention is fully had.)
ES: Well done.
CA: (too out of breath to answer, just gasps and holds chest)
ES: (To CA) Maybe not their ‘attention’ so much as concern and sexual revulsion, but it worked! (To Rabble) Alright now you ragamuffins, gather ’round close. I’ve got an announcement to make here. Come on, that’s it you rabble!
Rabble: (shuffles within arm’s reach)
ES: Gah! Not lice-jumping close! Back up, Back up now! I’m not a horse whisperer. Can’t you see my assistant here needs air? (Rabble shuffles back a few steps) Alright. Now. I am the Emperor’s Chosen and Most Honorable…
Rabble: Which?
ES: Which what?
Rabble: Which whom, I mean. Which Emperor’s?
ES: Well, the new one of course! Emperor Glorious Sun…As I was saying…(to CA) what was I saying?
CA: You’re the Emperor’s Chosen and Most Honorable…
ES: Most Honorable Messenger.
Rabble: Like a carrier pigeon.
ES: (trying not to be flustered) A bit like that. But my cage is huge okay. Huge. And pretty ornate.
CA: And a lovely little swing in the corner. The envy of the court really–
ES: So I have here with me a royal pronouncement from your Emperor, the Great Glorious Sun! (holds out hand towards CA)
CA: (gives ES ‘five’)
ES: No, the pronouncement!
CA: (looks frantically through the clip board looks up frightened and shakes head ‘no’)
ES: (whispers) You forgot it?
CA: (whispers) I don’t know!
ES:  (whispers) A true answer I have no doubt. But our choices are A) you never brought it to begin with,or  B) you lost it between here and Starbucks.
CA: I may never have had it.
ES: Papyrus. Roll of it about six feet long and rolled up and tied in a silk ribbon. Ringing any bells?
CA: Sarcasm is an ineffectual teaching tool and a poor characteristic in leadership.
ES: Now I’m getting pointers from Captain Senility over here. Brilliant.
Rabble: (whispers) Sarcasm is the easiest form of comedy and an unflowered form of its superior relative, irony.
ES: (sarcastic) Good thought, that! Good. Yeah, thanks… Just you stay out of this, you scamp. (to CA in whisper) I’ll just do the bullet points. No problem. I got it up here. (points at head)
CA: remember: finesse!
Rabble: And a lyrical turn of phrase and some interjections of humor wouldn’t hurt. You know. To keep our interest. Lift our hearts a bit.
ES: (ignoring them) Rabble! Hear me and fear! Tremble and weep!….Garbage collection will not happen this Tuesday because of the Winged Serpent Holiday, but will occur as normal for everyone on Wednesday. So plan ahead for that. And also…Woe To Those Who Speak Ill Of The Dread Thunder God Morthax! Morthax Hears All and Sees All As Patron Deity Of Our Empire!…The Children’s Museum will be having  a special exhibit beginning this week and on through the month featuring the shrunken skulls of state prisoners. As always, children and seniors have free admission. And now a word from our sponsor….(to CA in whisper) who was it again?
CA: Wooden Shovels.
ES: Wooden Shovels!
Rabble: (in a sing song jingle) Wooden Shovels can’t be beat/They make your holes and piles look really neat/
ES: Holes and piles, really?
Rabble: They’ve got a wooden stick and a wooden scoop/you can use ‘em for mud or most any kind of….
ES: Thank you Wooden Shovels! Alright, now on to the serious business….Look, we all know that in the reign of the last Emperor, whose name I won’t even waste my breath on–
CA: Humble Servant of The Socialist People’s Commune.
ES: (shoots CA an angry glance) During their reign, things around here got a little shall we say lax. Now. I know that you can do it. This work, this back breaking, slave driving, soul withering labor is what you were literally born and bred to do. So let’s do it. And let’s put a little pride in our work. When fanning a State Official with ostrich feathers would it kill you to smile?
Rabble: Its just I’ve lost most my teeth…
ES: Closed mouth, man. Closed mouth. (To CA) Show ‘em.
CA: (smiles weakly with pursed lips)
ES: And let’s use you as an example. (points at Rabble) What do you do?
Rabble: I’m a tailor by trade but really, I’ve always thought of myself as a musician really. I’m classically trained.
ES: Okay, tailor. Ol’ Tailor here is making…
Rabble: Fitted undergarments, padded bras, crotchless underwear,
ES: That is specific. Got a niche market do we? Burlap in this season is it?
Rabble: Burlap was last season. Everything now is yak hide or nothing.
CA: He really is quite good. I’m wearing him right now.
ES: (flustered momentarily) Okay so Tailor here, perfect example of a patriot who is working hard for the Empire. Kudos to you. But!..You’re gonna have to work harder. I’m sorry! Hey! Don’t blame the messenger. Its just that right down the Nile river a ways, they’ve started work on wheel technology okay. Now we’re playing catch-up.
Rabble: You might say we were asleep at the wheel.
CA: That’s good.
ES: Puns are the worst form of humor and an unflowered form of their superior relative: the double entendre.
CA: Meow.
ES: The point is, in today’s economy we’re all going to have to pitch in and work a little harder.
Rabble: Easy for you to say.
ES: Pardon? Can you say that a bit louder? Or was it not that easy to say?
Rabble: You’re telling us to pull ourselves up by our boot straps but I broke my last pair of boot straps trying to hang myself with them. All you do is come out here every week and tell us what to do and how we’ll have to work harder because the rich don’t want to pay taxes anymore.
ES: You want to try? You want to try my job for a minute? I bet you won’t last a minute. 
Rabble: You got it! Let’s do it. (they switch positions and Rabble imitates the mannerisms of ES) Lift a rock! Dig a ditch! Hail whichever Emperor we have this week! Blah Blah!
ES: Ahh, beginner’s luck.
CA: You’re pretty good! (swats away something) Ah, a bee!
ES: A bee?
CA: (stabs Rabble with the Epi Pen)
Rabble: Gah!
ES: Not him, you idiot!
CA: Sorry, I got confused!
ES: Oh! (slaps at bee, its too late) Oh, cruel fate! (slumps to ground dead)
CA: I just wanted to say I really enjoy your work.
Rabble: My public speaking–
CA: Well that too, but your tailoring I mean. I’m wearing your Sleek Line Lift And Tuck series right now.
Rabble: Well, you look great in it. That’s not all my doing. A glass blower can’t make the delicious wine that’s poured into it, you see.
CA: (blushing) Well…
Rabble: That’s it for the news today?
CA: Well just that there’s maurading hordes at the gates.
Rabble: That’s going to be tough news to break to the rabble.
CA: Ahhh, they’re used to it. We’ll just outfit you with a war drum, a saber to rattle, a flag, and a copy of the ’Us Versus Them’ speech.
Rabble: Say, about the Emperor…Do you think I could meet him? (excited)
CA: Oh, him? That’s just an image of a giant head projected on a screen that gets switched up every now and then. Keep things fresh.
Rabble: I have so much to learn.
CA: Its not easy controlling the masses. You think I want to wear a fanny pack?  
 


 

January 22, 2011

Script: “…And How Was Your Weekend?” (a play for two actors)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Love, Play, Script
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(the scene is in an office.)

One: Hey there. If you have a minute I would like to talk to you about this morning.
Two: Oh boy. Here we go. This is about how I was three hours late isn’t it.
One: The lateness is a good issue to some day discuss but I was going to actually encourage you.
Two: Encouragement? From you? That’s like believing that my dentist has good news.
One: Yes. I wanted to encourage you to to either clean up your blood in the bathroom or at least notify Jason in custodial services.
Two: Blood? Blood? Oh, you’re talking about my vomit.
One: Okay then. Your vomited blood.
Two: Well, sure, but why splice hairs? The point is maybe you should get your facts straight before you start a witch hunt.
One: Well maybe I did get off on the wrong foot this morning. First things first. Happy Monday.
Two: Now we’re talking Stephanie! Yeah! Rock and Roll Monday! Friday is almost here. I can almost taste Friday now. And perhaps not surprisingly it tastes like blood.
One: You certainly seem excited. You must have had a good weekend.
Two: I had the best weekend ever! Las Vegas baby! Las Freaking Vegas mother freaking Nevada baby!
One: Las Vegas.
Two: Yeah, you know. The City of Light.
One: That’s Paris.
Two: The Big Apple.
One: New York.
Two: The Eternal City.
One: That’s Rome for Pete’s sake.
Two: Look, I’m trying to tell you I was in Las Vegas.
One: How can you be going to Vegas when you owe me five hundred bucks?
Two: I know! That’s why I went there. I went to get you your money back.
One: Good. Because I’ve run out of food and insulin so a little cash will help me out until the end of the month.
Two: Well, I don’t exactly have it for you now, Stephanie. But I’ve got three hundred bucks riding on a sure thing as we speak. A race horse with a hunger to win. A big hunger!
One: You bet three hundred on a horse?
Two: ell, the horse actually ate the three hundred. Its hungry! But I’ve been told I’ll get it back in full in about four days. And who knows? That’s a hungry horse! No telling what else he’ll pay out.
One: That’s some investment scheme.
Two: Well aren’t you judgmental? I happen to think that Vegas is an awesome way to spend a weekend. You’re just jealous Stephanie because your life is more boring than my seven year old daughter’s.
One: My weekends are very full I will have you know. I have my hobbies to keep me busy. You know. My smoking for instance.
Two: Smoking is not a hobby.
One: It is if you use your exhaled smoke to paint a charcoal likeness of prehistoric cave paintings on your kitchen wall.
Two: I’ll give you that.
One: But to tell you the truth, I would like to go to Las Vegas someday.
Two: Oh my god Stephanie! You’ve got to go! Its like the best place in the world! Imagine a city that’s magically appeared from the dream of a fifty year old man in a failed marriage who has given up on life. That’s Vegas!
One: The closest I’ve ever come to going to Las Vegas was a blind date I went on at Disneyland.
Two: I’m jealous! How’d it go?
One: Well, He never showed up, but I had a pretty good time any way.
Two: That guy doesn’t know what he’s missing Stephanie. You are a catch. I bet you were the best looking single woman at Dizz Knee Land by her self that day. I mean aside from the robotic drunk chicks on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
One: That’s awfully nice of you to say. So you were in Las Vegas all weekend?
Two: Well I was there for fifteen minutes.
One: Fifteen minutes? What were you doing with the rest of the weekend?
Two: Walking back here. I lost my car and then I lost my plane tickets and then I lost my bus tickets and then I lost my bicycle in poker games so I had to walk back. And I might mention, I ran the last eight miles so forgive me if I was three hours late. Its not like I didn’t try or anything.
One: You lost your car and let a horse eat your money?
Two: Its not like I wanted the horse to eat my money or I wanted to lose every thing I owned. I’m not an idiot you know. Its your fault I even went to Las Vegas! The way you’re always pestering me about your five hundred bucks and how I really should leave town.
One: I ask you to move out of town and never come back. Not take a vacation to Las Vegas! You moron!
Two: I’m not a moron Stephanie. But maybe I am a fool for loving you.
One: You are nothing but an irresponsible wreck! I should fire you right now.
Two: I bet you won’t.
One: Don’t be so sure, buddy. Why shouldn’t I?
Two: When I ran out of collateral, I bet Jimmy The Card Shark my life that you wouldn’t fire me.
One: So that’s why there’s six goons waiting in the parking lot with guns and shovels.
Two: That’s right. I used your good nature and compassion as leverage to keep my job and also by extension my life.
One: So by my not firing you, all you get is to stay alive?
Two: Well that, and you get to continue seeing me every day. Lucky you huh! (sings) Luck be a lady tonight!
One: So its a win lose proposition.
Two: Hey Stephanie, its like they say. The house always wins.

 

September 10, 2009

Saunia Powell: A Person You Should Meet

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Ideas, Magic, Play, Pop Culture, Travel
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There are many people in the world.
Some, say The Eurythmics, just want to abuse you.
Some will give you bacterial meningitis.
There is one person however who will do you no wrong.
Besides Buddha and Kahil Gibran that is.

She is like the wind.
Or rather, she is like the sunshine.
Maybe like a spring rain.
Or a cloud. But a fluffy cloud. Not the sad kind.

Scratch that. She is not a meteorological or natural event at all.
She is like a lazer beam. Or a microwave oven.
Or maybe neither. Anyway, she is not like a moldy towel.

Her name is Saunia Powell and lemme tell you:
you should meet her.
Seriously. You think that you’ve got life all wrapped up and figured out don’t you?
Well get ready to have your mind exploded because you don’t know jack taint
about nuthin’ until you meet Saunia Powell.

So in your plans for the next year, alongside your trip to see your cousin in Topeka, make time to meet
Saunia Powell.

You won’t regret it.

 

*Saunia Powell likes tea but not coffee. Take her out for a nice tea, won’t you?
*Saunia Powell likes the sunshine, but for Chrissakes, she’ll sunburn if she’s out too long. Be a dear won’t you and bring some SPF 40.

 

Ryan McGivern

 

August 4, 2009

Script: A Brunch Among Friends at Gitmo (a scene for three players)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Play, Prison, Script
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PinkEye: [Enters cell and closes door softly behind him]
DeliThin: Good Morning, PinkEye.
PE: Ahh! You frightened me, DeliThin. What in blazes are you doing awake?
DT: Its hard for me to sleep sometimes. Times when my ‘best friend’ [air quotes] doesn’t come home and I’m worried about him. Times when I have intestinal distress. Or times when I’m thinking about all the ways Star Wars Episode I went wrong.
PE: You need to get over that movie man.
DT: Don’t you tell me what to get over or not get over.
PE: And you need to get over being so overly protective of me.
DT: This conversation is over. I’m so totally over it.
PE: Alright.
DT: Where were you?
PE: [Sigh] I was being interrogated. Like I always am. Waterboarded, stress positions, humiliation you know the normal stuff.
DT: Alright.
PE: And I invited Dave over for brunch.
DT: [a questioning look]
PE: You know, ‘Dave’. He works in the interrogation room? Guard Number 48?
DT: That douchebag?
PE: Dave’s cool. And he’s coming over soon so help me pick up the place.
DT: The guy that we throw our feces at in protest is coming over?
PE: He’s a good guy when you get to know him. He’s really into movies.

DT: Who can’t say that they’re into movies? That is the lamest personal factoid. Have you ever met someone who says ‘I hate movies! I’m more of a radio lover!’

PE: You always say you hate movies.
DT: That’s because Susan Sarandon isn’t getting the roles she should.
PE: Dave is a cool guy. I think you’d like him.
DT: Don’t tell me that. Don’t you tell me that. I hate it when people say I’ll like someone. I’ve never once liked someone that I’ve been told I’m gonna like.
PE: Have you ever liked anyone?
DT: I have good self-esteem…..and….
[a knock on the door]
PE: That’s Dave. You just be on your best behavior. Rather, don’t have any behavior. Just sleep or stare at the wall.
DT: You should be ashamed of yourself the way that you’re ashamed of me!
PE: [to door] Come in! [door opens and Dave enters]
Dave: Well, hello PinkEye. ‘Long time no see!’ hahahahaha.
PE: Yeah! What’s it been? Like three minutes? Hahhahahaha
DT: [To self] I’ve got a feeling this is going to be the worst torture at Gitmo yet.
Dave: And hello there!
PE: Dave, I think you know DeliThin…
Dave: Oh, yes. We’ve never been properly introduced but I held a barking dog inches from his genitals just yesterday. Hello again, DeliThin.
DT: I’m not talkin’ to you until I can talk to a lawyer, pig.
PE: Deli!
Dave: That’s quite alright, PinkEye. [To DT] Can’t we just leave work at work for now and just enjoy ourselves? Life’s too short. Let’s let yesterday’s brutal bygones be bygones.
DT: PinkEye said that you two were having brunch together, Dave. Where’s the goods? Or did you lie to Pinky about that just like you lied to me when you said that you wouldn’t tazer my scrotum anymore?
Dave: I’ve got omelets, coffee, and bagels on the way.
PE: Oh, splendid!
D: Yes. Unfortunately, its against regulations to fraternize with the detainees…
PE: Of course-
D: So I had to smuggle brunch inside my rectum.
DT: I’m starting a hunger strike.
PE: Coffee! I hate to ask but,
D: Yes, I have cream and sugar too.
[an alarm sounds and Dave takes out his baton and beats DT and PE]
D: Sorry guys-kinda a ‘stimulus, response’ thing you know. I hear a siren and ‘whap, whap, whap!’
PE: What was that alarm anyway?
D: It’s the USO early alert system. We’ve got Miley Cyrus coming to entertain the troops. I should get going if I’m to get any proper seating. If you’ll excuse me.
PE: Certainly.
D: I’ll take some Immodium and save brunch for tomorrow. How’s eleven sound?
PE: That sounds delicious!
[Dave exits]
DT: Pinky, you know earlier when you asked if I liked anyone?
PE: Yeah?
DT: I thought of someone.
PE: Oh…..?
DT: I may sound silly-but I really like Miley Cyrus.
PE: Oh.
DT: Not in a creepy way! I just like her music a lot.
PE: This is the first time I’ve felt that you do rightfully belong at Guantanamo Bay.

 

END

 

July 31, 2009

Script: At Gitmo, Friendship is Catchy (for two players)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Play, Prison, Script
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PinkEye: I think I’m coming down with a cold, DeliThin.
DeliThin: What? Well you are or you aren’t.
PE: Well…I…Think I am.
DT: Oh my god, just great!
PE: Well I might not be.
DT: Give it to me straight, PinkEye!
PE: Well I woke up with a sore throat and I feel some body aches.
DT: Great. Just great. You know—you know how susceptible I am to catching colds. You get a cold, and I get it twice as bad.  To serve as illustration–Your name is PinkEye yet it’s me who lost sight in his left eye because I picked at it too much.
PE: Well, I mean…Its just that no one made you pick at your eye so much.
DT: It hurt, PinkEye. It hurt. It itched. I had pink eye. I scratched at my eye until it imploded because I had pink eye. I had pink eye because you had pink eye. Your name is PinkEye!
PE: I woke up in the middle of the night and you were rubbing my fingers directly onto your retina.
DT: Besides the point.
PE: I tried pulling away.
DT: Are you quite done? You finished? You just have to get the last word in don’t you? God, [rubs temples] I think I’m getting a headache from you.
PE: Headaches aren’t catchy.
DT: I hope this isn’t a summer cold.
PE: Summer colds are the worst. I know.
DT: If it isn’t bad enough I got to be locked away for life—I’ve got to be locked away with the fucking Velveteen Rabbit.
PE: I asked you yesterday if you wanted me to throw poop at the guard and get sent to solitary to give you your personal space and you said ‘no’!
DT: Well I didn’t know that you were incubating Swine Flu did I?
PE: I don’t think you can get Swine Flu from rat bites.
DT: Besides the point.
PE: Look, I’m not looking for an argument. If we could keep track of days from this dungeon, we’d find that we argue every day. It doesn’t need to be this way.
DT: You don’t like me.
PE: That’s not what I said at all.
DT: You hate me—you just said it.
PE: You are so dramatic! Look, all I’m saying is that we have enough hardship as it is. Advanced Interrogation Techniques, cruel and demeaning treatment from the guards…With the time we have together we can choose to make the best of it.
DT: I am making the best of it. You ever see me complain about the hoods we have to wear over our heads when paraded out in front of the laughing guards? I like the smell inside my hood. It smells like my breath. You see me complain about the windowless cell? I thank God that I don’t have to worry about early aging due to sun damage. My only problem is you!
PE: DeliThin, that’s it. I’m not your best friend anymore. [turns back to him]
DT: [sighs] I’ve never told anyone this before…My father was known as the ‘Butcher of Seville’. He once killed twelve cattle with his bare mouth. I remember he would come home covered in blood and plop down on the couch and I’d bring him his pipe and slippers. One day he didn’t come home. State Troopers picked him up while trying to transport black market foie gras into Connecticut. He got life in prison. He sent a note to me in a capsule he’d fed a pigeon which was totally unnecessary because he had weekly phone privileges, but that’s besides the point. You know what that note said?
PE: Don’t take your cellmate for granted?
DT: “Become a vegetarian. It’s more humane and more healthy.”
PE: That’s it?
DT: That’s it. I changed my name legally to DeliThin the next day. I was a rebellious teenager…PinkEye, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…
PE: Yeah? And?
DT: That’s it. I’ve been thinking….What?
PE: I’ve never told anyone this before…My dad was called Dr. Timothy Paulford. He had an ophthalmology practice in Malibu. He’d come home each day and check me for cataracts. One day he didn’t come home. He’d run off with his secretary. He sent me an email one day and you know what it said?
DT: Don’t give your cellmate colds?
PE: “Become a vegetarian. It’s more humane and more healthy.”
DT: We are so alike.
PE: More alike than either of us knew.
DT: Did you become a vegetarian?
PE: Of course! It’s more humane and more healthy!
DT: We are so unalike.
PE: More unalike than either of us will ever know.
DT: ….My headache is feeling better.
PE: I guess they are catchy because now I’m getting one.
DT: …I’d told you I’d been thinking, right?
PE: Yeah. And?
DT: That’s it. I’ve been thinking…What?

(END)

 

July 28, 2009

Script: Losing Weight and Saving Souls (for two players)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Drugs, Play, Script, Self Improvement
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Tina: This is going to be the most memorable summer ever!
Sarah: You’re right, Tina! This is one summer at Loon Lake Camp that we’ll never forget!
T: Look at how excited I am! I’m getting goose bumps!
S: My hands are shaking in part because I’m detoxing but certainly also because camp starts today!
T: I’ve got to say, Sarah, that I think I’m going to win ‘counselor of the year’.
S: Not so fast, Tina. I’ve held that honor for the last three years. I’m not going to give it up easily.
T: We’ll just have to wait and see! I think a lot of campers are going to find Jesus this summer.
S: And lose weight.
T: That’s right. Having Arizona’s only Baptist affiliated Fat Camp assures us we’re gonna get a lot of backslid chubbies. This is going to be a memorable year.
S: I’m going to remember it as the summer that our ‘no drownings’ streak ended.
T: The campers haven’t even arrived yet!
S: I know. It was the Camp Nurse, Ms. Burnett.
T: We don’t even have a lake! It dried up in last year’s drought!
S: I know. She drowned in a pool of her own blood.
T: The five year ‘no drowning’ streak is finally over? This IS going to be a memorable summer. Of course, this is also just my first year at Loon Lake so that makes it pretty memorable.
S: I remember my first year working here. I was a virgin then.
T: …I hope the campers come soon. I can’t wait to get into the craft shack and make friendship bracelets!
S: I used up all the thread. Sorry….I made an auto-asphyxiation noose.
T: …Kids are really going to meet Jesus here, I can feel it!
S: And lose weight.
T: Right- and lose weight. Speaking of, I’m hungry.
S: The camp cook died this morning so there won’t be dinner. Just to let you know.
T: How?
S: Slipped in Ms. Burnett’s blood. And then he drowned in it.
T: Two drownings in one day! After a 5 year streak! Where did all her blood come from anyway?
S: I can’t wait to get these kids started on a crash course diet!
T: And learn about martyrs, and spiritual warfare, and possession, and Ephesians,
S: Ha! Kids don’t care about that stuff anymore! Now its all “iPhone” this, and “Xbox” that. We haven’t even had a proper demon possession the last two summers.
T: Well, I’m sure that will change. I myself already had a demon of overeating cast out of me this morning.
S: And it shows, Tina. Looking good!
T: Oh, hush! You’re too kind. But you’re right. I’m looking pretty good. I really don’t know how I can eat all that I do and stay so slim!
S: Ah, the metabolism and vanity of youth.
T: This is going to be such a memorable summer.
S: I’m going to remember as much of this summer as I can, given all the heavy mind-erasing drugs I’ll be using. But before I forget, I should tell you that there will be a planned burning of the soccer field tomorrow.
T: Oh No! I’d planned a soccer tournament and tithe-drive on the field tomorrow! But I guess to prevent wildfires, you’ve just got to pre-burn some areas.
S: Oh, it has nothing to do with wildfires. I’m burning it as part of my soccer tournament and sermon illustration.
T: To show the kids what hell is like? Fight fire with fire as it were?
S: I didn’t think of that. No, its just for them to stand by it and sweat out some water weight.
T: Your sermon is….
S: “And Jesus Wept: Keeping your water weight down.”  It’s a three part series.
T: This is going to be so memorable!
S: It sure will be! Like I remember when I went into your room this morning and replaced your Tic Tacs with Sugarfree Tic-Tacs.
T: Tic-Tacs?….You mean my mood stabilizer and bi-polar medications? I thought they looked funny!
S: Whatever they were, you can expect to lose some weight with Sugarfree Tic-Tacs.
T: I’m on 4000 milligrams of anti-psychotics on an 8 hour cycle, Sarah! I’ll lose my mind before I lose weight!
S: All your screaming is really killing my crank buzz and crushing my heroine chill, man.
T: I’m sorry.
S: Thank you. Apology accepted.
T: I keep forgetting that you’re an old pro at this summer camp thing.
S: That’s right. And you’re just a greenhorn. You don’t know the grim realities of a Bible/Fat Camp.
T: Please show me the ropes.
S: I will. I promise to give you all the insider 411.
T: No, I mean your auto-asphyxiation noose. I’m feeling my brain chemistry radically changing and I’d like to regulate through a tabooed life-threatening form of erotic self-harm.
S: Now you’re talking like a seasoned Bible Camp Counselor.
T: Ah! A Bible/FAT Camp Counselor.
S: C’mon. Let’s go get you a noose and then burn the dead. We’ve got overweight Christian preteens to get ready for.

(End)

 

July 6, 2009

Script: Love and Illegalities (a scene for three players)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Animals, Comedy, Improvised Writing, Justice, Play, Romance, Script
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Police Officer Patty: Okay now Mr. Sherman-I know that you’ve gone through a lot but this will all be over soon.
Mr. Sherman: I can’t take anymore of this! This coffee that is. This is the worst police station coffee I’ve ever had!
POP: I’m sorry. Its just that with budget cuts and everything-
MS: I didn’t ask you for any excuses, Patty…Now, I’ve been waiting patiently for like an hour now-
POP: And I appreciate your patience. First we’ll get these handcuffs off you-
MS: Thank you! They’re on really tight. I can hardly even comb my fingers through my hair!
POP: We’ll get them off you as soon as we get the key. Officer Lou ate the key and he’s drinking Milk of Magnesia as we speak.
Police Officer Lou: (enters) hey guys-here’s that key. Sorry about that.
MS: About time, Lou!
POP: Lou, can you also get me the murder victim’s skull from the evidence locker?
POL: Uhhh…That might take a while to get the key to the evidence locker.
POP: (Looks gently accusing and shakes her head)
POL: I have an eating disorder, Patty. You KNOW that. (exits in a huff)
MS: Don’t make excuses for yourself, Lou! (Patty takes off MS’s cuffs) Ahhh. Now that’s better.
POP: And you’ll have to promise not to choke me again.
MS: No one can tell the future, Patty.
POP: I’m not asking you for a horoscope, Mr. Sherman- just that you won’t choke me again.
MS: Are you familiar with existentialism, Patty?
POP: Of course. My last murder case was committed with an extension cord. (MS looks unsure) And the murder victim was an octopus with an extra tentacle. (MS looks more unsure)…and it got me thinking about the meaning of my life. (MS finally looks appeased)
MS: Well, my point is, Patty-we can never be certain of what will be. Or WHO we’ll be at any given time. There is no essential ‘self’, Patty.
POP: You…your wisdom is powerful. You’re like a philosopher king.
MS: (chokes Patty for three seconds and then sits, looking innocent)
POP: You just choked me!
MS: That was the Mr. Sherman of the past, Patty. I live in the now.
POP: You facinate me (looks romantically at MS).
Police Offficer Lou: (enters) Hey guys! (senses romantic aire) Sorry to interrupt. I got that skull for you. (holds up tiny
container)
POP: Thank you Lou…(looks at inquisitively) That’s much smaller than I had expected.
POL: Well it IS the skull of a squirrel.
POP: I know that! Of course I know that. Still-its remarkably small.
MS: That is small. Even for a squirrel.
POL: …and I cremated it…and I spilled some of it…and I ate some of it.
POP: That skull was our only evidence, Lou! Well this case has just been flushed down the toilet.
POL: Oh yeah. And I flushed some of it down the toilet too.
MS: Well then, in that case I think that I’ll be going.
POP: Lou, will you do me a favor and leave us alone for a minute?
POL: Hey, it was good to see you again Mr. Sherman! Hope to see you soon.
MS: Oh, I’m sure you will. I’m here everyday. Say ‘hi’ to the wife and kids for me.
POL: Will do. Oh, and I didn’t forget-I still have your DVDs of ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and ‘American Psycho’. I’ll bring them for you tomorrow. Seeya! (exits)
MS: Well, Patty-we’ve been doing this dance for how many years now? You bring me in on trumped up charges with
either no evidence or lots of evidence that is quickly ingested by your partner…why don’t we just stop playing these silly games and tell each other how we really feel?
POP: You’re right. Let’s stop playing charades with each other’s hearts. Let’s stop holding the sex themed playing cards of lust so close to our heaving chests. Let’s tell each other the truth.
MS: Where do I begin? (takes her in his arms) Firstly- I killed that squirrel. Secondly- I love you.
POP: And I must tell you Mr. Sherman that I plan on killing you right now. (she pulls free and points her gun at him)
MS: I wasn’t expecting that.
POP: I wouldn’t have expected you to expect this.
MS: I thought that we had a rapport together! The way that you’d tell me I looked handsome in handcuffs, the way that you let me couchsurf at your place last summer….we went to your sister’s Bat Mitzvah together for Christ’s sake.
POP: It was all an elaborate scheme to earn your trust. Seventeen years of botching your murder cases just to get in your good graces.
MS: You won’t kill me, Patty. You don’t have the balls. You wouldn’t hurt a fly.
POP: Truth be told-it was ME who killed that extra tentacled octopus I told you about earlier. And truth be told, I do have balls. And a fully functional and uncircumsized penis.
MS: But….but….Patty…you’re Jewish!
POP: And I consider killing you a mitzvah! (raises gun and pulls trigger but it is empty, nothing happens. She looks at it confused)
Police Officer Lou: (enters) Oh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodnight to Mr. Sherman again. Goodnight, buddy. I love you. Sweet dreams. I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh and sorry Patty, I ate all the bullets that were in your gun. Sorry. (to MS in a whisper) I love you.
MS: So where do we go from here?
POP: I just wish we could start all over again. Go back to the way things were. I’ve been such a fool-been so afraid of love-
MS: I didn’t ask for any excuses, Patty. Besides, that was ‘us’ in the past. I live in the now. And right now-I want someone to spend the rest of my ‘nows’ with. I’ll tell you what…I’m going over to the wharf to club some catfish to death. And I sure would like some company.
POP: How could I say ‘no’ to someone who looks so handsome in handcuffs? (they link arms and walk for the exit)
MS: I know a nice little vegan cafe on the way. They have a great kosher menu. (they exit)

(End Scene)

 

June 29, 2009

Script: Unlucky Archeology (for three players)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Improvised Writing, Play, Script
[2] Comments 

1: Well, I would say its late Egyptian.
2: Most likely Ramses III. But I wouldn’t bet my camel on it.
1: I’ll bet the last of my water and food that its Ramses II period.
2: Let’s take a look in my iPhone’s ‘hieroglyph identification’ app. Hmm. Ramses III.
1: (Gulp) well, that’s interesting.
2: (taking the food and water from partner’s pack and putting it into their own)Ahhh, canned hummus. I love hummus.
1: I do too. (looking hungry)….Hey! Look! A mummy! I bet you its haunted.
2: Some mummies are haunted, yes. But its never a surefire thing. I wouldn’t bet my sunscreen on it.
1: I’ll bet you double or nothing for my food back.
2: You don’t have any food or water to put up to bet.
1: Triple or nothing.
2: You already have nothing. You could do a credit thing, take out a loan or…
1: or, bet my life!
2: or bet your life.
1: Its on.
2: I’m not sure exactly what ‘is on’.
1: I bet you my life that this mummy is haunted.
2: So if it is haunted you live and if it isn’t….
1: You can kill me.
2: You’re my best friend, research team coordinator, Doctoral advisor, kidney donee, half brother, and at times my lover. There is no other life I’d be more honored in ending.
1: Thank you. Besides, I would have slowly died of dehydration and starvation anyway, so really its helping me out.
2: That’s a good point.
1: Half of me hopes this mummy ISN’T haunted.
2: More than half, here.
1: (Picks up a jar) Hey, Mummy! I’m messing around with your stuff!
2: I think that you might need to desecrate it.
1: Like have sex with it.
2: Let’s start with making out and we can go from there.
1: (makes out with jar) Uh! This tastes horrible! (makes out some more) Oh! There’s a dead ol’ cat in here!
2: I thought that looked like a cat burial jar.
1: Uh….I’m getting its burial wrappings and cat hair caught in my teeth. Is that mummy moving yet?
2: A little, but not really in a scary way. Its just waving happily. (waves back) hello!
1: I have the worst luck ever.
2: Hey, luck is subjective.
1: How’s that?
2: I’m going to get my right kidney back.
1: True…I had grown attached to it though.
2: You just never learned your lesson! You remember last year when we went to Vegas and stayed in the Luxor hotel?
1: Of course! I lost my original right kidney in a bet there.
2: And that wasn’t enough to convince you that you have a gambling problem?
1: Gambling is only a problem when it interferes with your life.
2: Well, now its going to be ending your life.
1: Everybody’s got to go somehow. Better by the hand of your best friend and kidney donor in a pyramid than by say….old age or something.
2: (takes sword from sheath and approaches)
1: Hey! One last bet.
2: Okay.
1: I bet you my pith helmet that you’ll regret killing me.
2: Okay. (runs the sword through. 1 staggers gurgling and collapses. 2 waits then shrugs and takes 1’s pith helmet)
Mummy: Ohhhhh! I’m a haunted mummy!
2: The shedding of innocent blood has awoken you!
Mummy: No,
2: The making out with your cat has awoken you!
Mummy: No, I overheard that there’s an extra kidney to be had. I just love kidney pie. You ever had kidney pie?
2: No.
Mummy: I bet you’ll love it.
2: You’re on!

(End scene)

 

June 23, 2009

Script: Cheese and Discontent (a script for three players)

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Improvised Writing, Play, Script
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Tim is sleeping in his dark apartment and the phone rings.

Tim: ….Hello?
Dave: Tim!
T: Yeah, yeah, I’m here. Hello?
D: TIM!
T: Dave? Is that you? What is it? Oh my god….
D: Hey man.
T: Yeah, Dave! Are you all right?
D: I’m golden dude. What are you up to?
T: I’m sleeping. Is everything alright?
D: Yeah. Yeah. What? Are you sleeping?
T: I uh…yeah. I uh.
D: Why are you sleeping?
T: Its like uh, four in the morning. We’ve got to be at work in the morning-are you okay?
D: Dude-you got to work in the morning?
T: Tomorrow’s Tuesday. The Hamshire deal….the big eight o’ clock meeting, Dave!
D: Oh! That’s right tomorrow’s Tuesday! I totally lost track of time.
T: How do you lose track of days Dave? Christ! Why are you calling me? Is this about the meeting tomorrow?
D: Tim, dude I’m sorry man. No, I just called to say hi. I totally forgot about the meeting. I’m on vacation.
T: You’re on vacation?
D: I’m on vay-cay, baby. That’s cool about the meeting though. Good luck in there.
T: Thanks. I guess. Why did you call me at four in the morning again?
D: Why do you keep saying its four in the morning?
T: Because it is!
D: Where are you right now?
T: My bed!
D: In L.A.?….Oh, dude….I’m sorry.
T: You’re on vacation?…Aren’t you supposed to present the proposal?
D: I emailed you the powerpoint.
T: No you didn’t.
D: No, I just did. You didn’t see it?
T: I’m not in the office-
D: You got your Blackberry with you?
T: I’m sleeping!
D: Well, when you check it, it’ll be there.
T: A powerpoint.
D: Well, not a powerpoint. A Word document. But you’ll be able to put it into a powerpoint.
T: For tomorrow’s meeting?
D: Yeah. I put in some links to Google images that are cool too. Like one of a bar graph and one of a poodle wearing sunglasses and stuff. Check it out.
T: I will. In the morning. Waitaminute: where are you?
D: New York. I thought I told you.
T: No.
D: Yeah! I’m in New York! Can you believe it?
T: No.
D: Yeah. That’s why I guess I thought you’d be up.
T: Because its what? Seven o’ clock there?
D: Is it? I dunno. I’ve been out drinking all night.
T: Goodnight, Dave.
D: Are you in a bad mood?
T: Well, Dave-
D: Because you really shouldn’t stress about tomorrow’s meeting. There probably won’t be any lay-off announcements tomorrow anyway.
T: There’s going to be lay-offs?
D: …Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.
T: You know about lay-offs? Ms. Lindel said she wouldn’t lay anyone off this fiscal year.
D: Well, she would tell YOU that.
T: What does that mean?
D: I shouldn’t have said anything. Look, dude. I’m sorry I’m talking your ear off. I should let you go-you got like a pivotal career making or breaking meeting tomorrow and you’ve still got to get a powerpoint together for it, so I should let you go.
T: No, wait! You got to tell me what you know about lay-offs! Am I being fired?
D: Dude, Tim. Relax, alright? I’ve got to let you go. I’m meeting some ladies at the club. Talk to you later!

Dave hangs up and Tim clicks his phone down. He tries to rest, but turns uneasily. He finally sits up again turns on the light and calls Dave back on the phone.

Dave: Hello this is Dave.
Tim: Am I being fired tomorrow?
D: Who’s speaking?
T: Me! Tim.
D: Did you get my email about the presentation?
T: No!
D: Oh. I was just expecting you to call when you tried to open it because there will probably be some problems opening it. I used an old Mac letter template and I think it was a pirated copy because I found it on an offshore porn website.
T: Dave. What did Ms. Lindel tell you about my job? Am I being fired?
D: Mom didn’t say anything really. Its not that big a deal.
T:….Ms. Lindel is your mom?
D: Uh…
T: The boss is your  mom?….Dave?
D: Step-mom. Officially she’s my step mom….But she has legally adopted me.
T: Now it all makes sense.
D: What does?….I mean speak up, I can hardly hear you. We’re doing some coke over here and its getting hard to pay attention to what you’re saying.
T: I said it makes sense why you get away with being drunk at the office and why you get raises every year and yet other more talented and hard working people get fired!
D: That sounds accusatory, Tim. I’m not a sensitive guy. But I could take offense. Really. I’m not sensitive or caring at all, and I arguably have no emotions. But you’re getting close to poking a tender spot, here.
T: You know what, Dave? Do you know what I’m going to do?
D: You’re going to tell me off and then hang up the phone and then say something snarky that reincorporates.
T: As funny as that might be, Dave, I’m going to rather divulge my sinister plans to get back at you.
D: I don’t like that ending so much.
T: I didn’t think you would. I’m going to go in to work tomorrow with some Bree cheese-
D: No! You wouldn’t! That’s Mom’s favorite!…
T: And I’m going to romance your mother by feeding her Bree cheese on rye crackers-
D: Oh no!
T: Then I’m going to marry her and through years of manipulation and devious plotting, I will wrestle her job as CEO from her, take over the company, and then I will fire you!
D: Tim….Can’t we make a deal? I mean let’s be reasonable. Please.
T: Too late, Dave. The wheels have already been set in motion. Tim gets out of bed and begins clicking on his iPhone I’m ordering some Bree cheese to be delivered to me right now.
D: You’d have to order all the way from New York at this time of day its like seven o’ clock!
T: Four. I’m in L.A.
D: That only confirms my point! There’s no place in L.A. where you can buy fancy cheese at four in the morning!
T: I’ve found a store already called “Bree Storehouse For The Conniving” in New York and it says that they can rush order it in time for the meeting!
D: Dave looks up and sees he’s standing next to the sign for the store-he motions to the teller to buy some Bree
T: They have one wheel of Bree left and I’m ordering it right now! Hahahahha! What?
D: Did the website tell you the last one was just bought?
T: ….Yes. How did you know?…..realizes and silently admits defeat Dave, I should let you go. I’ve got to get ready for the Hamshire meeting tomorrow.
D: Tim…I’m sorry I woke you up tonight buddy.
T: That’s okay. Don’t worry about it.
D: Have a good morning, buddy.
T: Yeah. You too. Hangs up phone his girlfriend Brenda rolls over from where she’s been hidden in the covers
Brenda: Would you really have married your boss just to get back at Dave? You’ve always told me you don’t want to get married.
T: Oh, Brenda-you know that was an empty threat. It would have never worked out between me and Ms. Lindel anyway. I’m lactose intolerant.
B: You’re lactose intolerant? Uh. I think we need to start seeing other people.
The phone rings
T: Can you answer it? I can’t take anymore. Is holding is head in his hands
B: Hello? Oh, Hi Dave! Yeah. Laughs again and again flirtatiously. Yeah, dinner sounds nice. Yeah, I’m single now. Friday sounds great. Yeah, he’s here. He’s just a sour puss right now. Okay. I’ll tell him. Night, Dave! See you soon. That was Dave.
T: Really. sarcastic
B: Yeah. He said that he’d thought of something snarky you could say that would reincorporate but he forgot it. He’ll call back though. Well. I’ll see you, loser. She leaves in her pj’s and slams the door. The phone rings. Tim looks at it despairingly. Finally concedes to pick it up
T: Hello?
Francois: In thick French accent Allo! This is Francois from Bree Storehouse for The Conniving. Yes, the fellow who bought our last wheel of Bree returned it. Would you still like it sent to you express?
T: Yes….Oh, and do you sell Lactaid?
F: But of course.
T: hahahahahahahahahaha!
curtain

 

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