Let’s have a mind and raise flowers.

1: Well, I would say its late Egyptian.
2: Most likely Ramses III. But I wouldn’t bet my camel on it.
1: I’ll bet the last of my water and food that its Ramses II period.
2: Let’s take a look in my iPhone’s ‘hieroglyph identification’ app. Hmm. Ramses III.
1: (Gulp) well, that’s interesting.
2: (taking the food and water from partner’s pack and putting it into their own)Ahhh, canned hummus. I love hummus.
1: I do too. (looking hungry)….Hey! Look! A mummy! I bet you its haunted.
2: Some mummies are haunted, yes. But its never a surefire thing. I wouldn’t bet my sunscreen on it.
1: I’ll bet you double or nothing for my food back.
2: You don’t have any food or water to put up to bet.
1: Triple or nothing.
2: You already have nothing. You could do a credit thing, take out a loan or…
1: or, bet my life!
2: or bet your life.
1: Its on.
2: I’m not sure exactly what ‘is on’.
1: I bet you my life that this mummy is haunted.
2: So if it is haunted you live and if it isn’t….
1: You can kill me.
2: You’re my best friend, research team coordinator, Doctoral advisor, kidney donee, half brother, and at times my lover. There is no other life I’d be more honored in ending.
1: Thank you. Besides, I would have slowly died of dehydration and starvation anyway, so really its helping me out.
2: That’s a good point.
1: Half of me hopes this mummy ISN’T haunted.
2: More than half, here.
1: (Picks up a jar) Hey, Mummy! I’m messing around with your stuff!
2: I think that you might need to desecrate it.
1: Like have sex with it.
2: Let’s start with making out and we can go from there.
1: (makes out with jar) Uh! This tastes horrible! (makes out some more) Oh! There’s a dead ol’ cat in here!
2: I thought that looked like a cat burial jar.
1: Uh….I’m getting its burial wrappings and cat hair caught in my teeth. Is that mummy moving yet?
2: A little, but not really in a scary way. Its just waving happily. (waves back) hello!
1: I have the worst luck ever.
2: Hey, luck is subjective.
1: How’s that?
2: I’m going to get my right kidney back.
1: True…I had grown attached to it though.
2: You just never learned your lesson! You remember last year when we went to Vegas and stayed in the Luxor hotel?
1: Of course! I lost my original right kidney in a bet there.
2: And that wasn’t enough to convince you that you have a gambling problem?
1: Gambling is only a problem when it interferes with your life.
2: Well, now its going to be ending your life.
1: Everybody’s got to go somehow. Better by the hand of your best friend and kidney donor in a pyramid than by say….old age or something.
2: (takes sword from sheath and approaches)
1: Hey! One last bet.
2: Okay.
1: I bet you my pith helmet that you’ll regret killing me.
2: Okay. (runs the sword through. 1 staggers gurgling and collapses. 2 waits then shrugs and takes 1’s pith helmet)
Mummy: Ohhhhh! I’m a haunted mummy!
2: The shedding of innocent blood has awoken you!
Mummy: No,
2: The making out with your cat has awoken you!
Mummy: No, I overheard that there’s an extra kidney to be had. I just love kidney pie. You ever had kidney pie?
2: No.
Mummy: I bet you’ll love it.
2: You’re on!

(End scene)

Tim is sleeping in his dark apartment and the phone rings.

Tim: ….Hello?
Dave: Tim!
T: Yeah, yeah, I’m here. Hello?
D: TIM!
T: Dave? Is that you? What is it? Oh my god….
D: Hey man.
T: Yeah, Dave! Are you all right?
D: I’m golden dude. What are you up to?
T: I’m sleeping. Is everything alright?
D: Yeah. Yeah. What? Are you sleeping?
T: I uh…yeah. I uh.
D: Why are you sleeping?
T: Its like uh, four in the morning. We’ve got to be at work in the morning-are you okay?
D: Dude-you got to work in the morning?
T: Tomorrow’s Tuesday. The Hamshire deal….the big eight o’ clock meeting, Dave!
D: Oh! That’s right tomorrow’s Tuesday! I totally lost track of time.
T: How do you lose track of days Dave? Christ! Why are you calling me? Is this about the meeting tomorrow?
D: Tim, dude I’m sorry man. No, I just called to say hi. I totally forgot about the meeting. I’m on vacation.
T: You’re on vacation?
D: I’m on vay-cay, baby. That’s cool about the meeting though. Good luck in there.
T: Thanks. I guess. Why did you call me at four in the morning again?
D: Why do you keep saying its four in the morning?
T: Because it is!
D: Where are you right now?
T: My bed!
D: In L.A.?….Oh, dude….I’m sorry.
T: You’re on vacation?…Aren’t you supposed to present the proposal?
D: I emailed you the powerpoint.
T: No you didn’t.
D: No, I just did. You didn’t see it?
T: I’m not in the office-
D: You got your Blackberry with you?
T: I’m sleeping!
D: Well, when you check it, it’ll be there.
T: A powerpoint.
D: Well, not a powerpoint. A Word document. But you’ll be able to put it into a powerpoint.
T: For tomorrow’s meeting?
D: Yeah. I put in some links to Google images that are cool too. Like one of a bar graph and one of a poodle wearing sunglasses and stuff. Check it out.
T: I will. In the morning. Waitaminute: where are you?
D: New York. I thought I told you.
T: No.
D: Yeah! I’m in New York! Can you believe it?
T: No.
D: Yeah. That’s why I guess I thought you’d be up.
T: Because its what? Seven o’ clock there?
D: Is it? I dunno. I’ve been out drinking all night.
T: Goodnight, Dave.
D: Are you in a bad mood?
T: Well, Dave-
D: Because you really shouldn’t stress about tomorrow’s meeting. There probably won’t be any lay-off announcements tomorrow anyway.
T: There’s going to be lay-offs?
D: …Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.
T: You know about lay-offs? Ms. Lindel said she wouldn’t lay anyone off this fiscal year.
D: Well, she would tell YOU that.
T: What does that mean?
D: I shouldn’t have said anything. Look, dude. I’m sorry I’m talking your ear off. I should let you go-you got like a pivotal career making or breaking meeting tomorrow and you’ve still got to get a powerpoint together for it, so I should let you go.
T: No, wait! You got to tell me what you know about lay-offs! Am I being fired?
D: Dude, Tim. Relax, alright? I’ve got to let you go. I’m meeting some ladies at the club. Talk to you later!

Dave hangs up and Tim clicks his phone down. He tries to rest, but turns uneasily. He finally sits up again turns on the light and calls Dave back on the phone.

Dave: Hello this is Dave.
Tim: Am I being fired tomorrow?
D: Who’s speaking?
T: Me! Tim.
D: Did you get my email about the presentation?
T: No!
D: Oh. I was just expecting you to call when you tried to open it because there will probably be some problems opening it. I used an old Mac letter template and I think it was a pirated copy because I found it on an offshore porn website.
T: Dave. What did Ms. Lindel tell you about my job? Am I being fired?
D: Mom didn’t say anything really. Its not that big a deal.
T:….Ms. Lindel is your mom?
D: Uh…
T: The boss is your  mom?….Dave?
D: Step-mom. Officially she’s my step mom….But she has legally adopted me.
T: Now it all makes sense.
D: What does?….I mean speak up, I can hardly hear you. We’re doing some coke over here and its getting hard to pay attention to what you’re saying.
T: I said it makes sense why you get away with being drunk at the office and why you get raises every year and yet other more talented and hard working people get fired!
D: That sounds accusatory, Tim. I’m not a sensitive guy. But I could take offense. Really. I’m not sensitive or caring at all, and I arguably have no emotions. But you’re getting close to poking a tender spot, here.
T: You know what, Dave? Do you know what I’m going to do?
D: You’re going to tell me off and then hang up the phone and then say something snarky that reincorporates.
T: As funny as that might be, Dave, I’m going to rather divulge my sinister plans to get back at you.
D: I don’t like that ending so much.
T: I didn’t think you would. I’m going to go in to work tomorrow with some Bree cheese-
D: No! You wouldn’t! That’s Mom’s favorite!…
T: And I’m going to romance your mother by feeding her Bree cheese on rye crackers-
D: Oh no!
T: Then I’m going to marry her and through years of manipulation and devious plotting, I will wrestle her job as CEO from her, take over the company, and then I will fire you!
D: Tim….Can’t we make a deal? I mean let’s be reasonable. Please.
T: Too late, Dave. The wheels have already been set in motion. Tim gets out of bed and begins clicking on his iPhone I’m ordering some Bree cheese to be delivered to me right now.
D: You’d have to order all the way from New York at this time of day its like seven o’ clock!
T: Four. I’m in L.A.
D: That only confirms my point! There’s no place in L.A. where you can buy fancy cheese at four in the morning!
T: I’ve found a store already called “Bree Storehouse For The Conniving” in New York and it says that they can rush order it in time for the meeting!
D: Dave looks up and sees he’s standing next to the sign for the store-he motions to the teller to buy some Bree
T: They have one wheel of Bree left and I’m ordering it right now! Hahahahha! What?
D: Did the website tell you the last one was just bought?
T: ….Yes. How did you know?…..realizes and silently admits defeat Dave, I should let you go. I’ve got to get ready for the Hamshire meeting tomorrow.
D: Tim…I’m sorry I woke you up tonight buddy.
T: That’s okay. Don’t worry about it.
D: Have a good morning, buddy.
T: Yeah. You too. Hangs up phone his girlfriend Brenda rolls over from where she’s been hidden in the covers
Brenda: Would you really have married your boss just to get back at Dave? You’ve always told me you don’t want to get married.
T: Oh, Brenda-you know that was an empty threat. It would have never worked out between me and Ms. Lindel anyway. I’m lactose intolerant.
B: You’re lactose intolerant? Uh. I think we need to start seeing other people.
The phone rings
T: Can you answer it? I can’t take anymore. Is holding is head in his hands
B: Hello? Oh, Hi Dave! Yeah. Laughs again and again flirtatiously. Yeah, dinner sounds nice. Yeah, I’m single now. Friday sounds great. Yeah, he’s here. He’s just a sour puss right now. Okay. I’ll tell him. Night, Dave! See you soon. That was Dave.
T: Really. sarcastic
B: Yeah. He said that he’d thought of something snarky you could say that would reincorporate but he forgot it. He’ll call back though. Well. I’ll see you, loser. She leaves in her pj’s and slams the door. The phone rings. Tim looks at it despairingly. Finally concedes to pick it up
T: Hello?
Francois: In thick French accent Allo! This is Francois from Bree Storehouse for The Conniving. Yes, the fellow who bought our last wheel of Bree returned it. Would you still like it sent to you express?
T: Yes….Oh, and do you sell Lactaid?
F: But of course.
T: hahahahahahahahahaha!
curtain

Hey! Oh my goodness. I mean oh my goodness! Good to see you. My. I haven’t seen you since Dave and Paul’s party this spring. Yeah! Yes, I remember you-silly! Of course. You look great. Just great! You’ve been working out. Pilates! Oh my gawd! I tried that once and nearly broke in half, girl! It works for you, though. Damn. I’m telling you, I was on my way to my second pilates class, and caught a different bus and went to The Massage Place on Montana instead. I said: “I value my life more than that.” Well, good for you. Wow. You look great. And I’ve got to say, your nose job looks alright. Yeah! Don’t be shy! No! It looks okay. Yeah. No, I’d heard some things, but from what I’d heard I had a totally different image in mind. But, no, it looks like…not bad at all. Totally. Would I lie? I’m like George Washington over here, girl. I’ll be the first to tell you I took somebody home last night and then passed out half way to second base and then kicked them out at six in the morning ‘cause I had the runs. No, believe me: its just about passable. Yeah! Are you walking this way? I can walk with you. Oh, I’m in a hurry too. Maybe I’ll just walk with you to the parking garage. Okay. Oh, you’re getting a phone call? Go ahead answer it, yeah, no, I’ll just walk with you.

The scene is a Chinese restaurant. There are no customers. Amy and Tamika wait at the entrance. Mona stops mopping the backroom and races to the front to great them as she picks up two menus.

Mona: Hello. A table of two?

Tamika: Three actually. Another’s coming.

Amy: Yeah. We need a table for three-a nice table.

Mona: Okay. [she picks up a third menu]. How about the window seat here?
[Mona leads them to their table, waits as they sit down]

Tamika: That’s perfect. Thanks. People watching is always nice.

Amy: Its alright. (as she and Tamika sit) I like your apron.

Mona: Thanks. (hands menus) Can I get you anything to start off with? Water, Beer?

Tamika: Umm, maybe I’ll have a—

Amy: I watched the Olympics this year. (leans in to Mona like it’s a secret) Its beautiful there….China. (looks to Tamika for support) Its beautiful there. Beautiful people.

Mona: I’m actually Lebanese Greek, myself. But I watched a lot too. We got gold in archery.

Amy: [Obviously is not listening] China. Beautiful. I love Chinese cinema. That one movie. (looks to Mona to name it)…..maybe you haven’t seen it. You should its beautiful.

Tamika: (nervous and embarrassed for Amy) Well, this menu looks great thank you–

Amy: And you’re very articulate. You deserve a raise. I don’t know what you make, but you deserve a raise. Your speaking is very good.

Mona: [a little testy] That’s funny you say that cuz I’m from Minnesota and I usually get that I sound like I’m from the movie Fargo. Can I get you anything to start? Water, Beer, Wine,

Amy: I still think you deserve a raise…….

Tamika: I’ll have a beer.

Mona: I’ll be right back with that beer. [Mona walks to the back room which is one-third of the stage, unseen by the dining room but seen by the audience. Burns hand on stove, hits head on wall, puts hand in pot and pulls it out with a lobster snapped onto it, Mona slips and falls in the wet area and lies still, sprawled on the ground, dead]

Tamika: [after long silence looking at menus, to Amy] I think uh, maybe she was offended.

Amy: [to Tamika] How did I offend her? I complemented her.

Tamika: I dunno, Amy. Maybe she was just a little offended. I don’t know.

Amy: Maybe she’s a bitch.

Tamika: Do you wanna go somewhere else?

Amy: No. Boss’ll wanted to eat here. The Crab Rangoon is to die for and I’m not letting the shitty service ruin my dinner. This is a special occasion and I’m going to enjoy myself

Tamika: [A pause] I thought she was nice. Maybe she took something we said wrong. I don’t know.

Amy: Yeah, whatever. That slut can lick my clit.

Tamika: Shhhh. C’mon. Clit? Really? How’s Michael? You said on the phone that he’s been getting on your nerves?.

Amy: Still ain’t found a job.

Tamika: It’s the economy.

Amy: No its not, Tamika, no its not.. Its those uppity tight ass directors at the Opera House.

Tamika:…What?

[two men come into the restaurant and wait at the “Please Wait To Be Seated” sign]

Amy: Remind me to order some take out Crispy Duck for Michael by the way.

Tamika: Now wait. What about the Opera House?

Amy: He’s auditioned for Madam Butterfly like twice in the last week and they keep turning him down

Tamika: Michael was a checkout clerk at the porn shop, last I heard.

Amy: Oh he quit that like a looong time ago.

Amy: He just got sick of it. Wanted something more, you know.

Tamika: I didn’t know he sang.

Amy: He’s got a good voice, Tamika. A Great Voice. Why are you always so negative? He deserves that job.

Tamika: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything. I just meant that I know that he’s a heavy smoker and often has laryngitis—

Amy: He’s a musical genius, Tamika.

Tamika: And he’s always saying ‘musicals are gay’.

Amy: Those cunt wads are really going to regret not getting him when they had the chance. I’m really proud of him, you know. He’ll be an opera star and I’ll be his debonair socialite girlfriend. Say Tamika, do you happen to have any pot hookups? Our dealer is dry. And I mean really dry. Sobered up, bought a suit. Last time I stopped by his trailer he gave me these brochures about Jesus. Where you gettin’ your weed?

Tamika: I don’t smoke anymore.

Amy: [shakes head] Why you got to say it like that?

Tamika: What do you mean?

Amy: ‘I don’t smoke.’ Like you’re a Pollyanna, the way you phrased it. I asked you a question about your knowledge upon a certain given specific subject and you told me an irrelevant answer. Even if one don’t smoke, one could still have hookups, no? Point made. It’s a little holier-than-thou, Tamika. You’re always doing that. Making me feel like I’m the bad one of the three of us.

Tamika: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings.

Amy: Whatevs. Where’s that cumdumpster waitress. I want my fucking beer. [turns to the two men waiting] She’s a real bitch. You’ll see.

Tamika: And what do you mean I try to make you feel like you’re the bad one?

Amy: You’re always bringing up Tacoma. That shit was not my fault. Sometimes dominoes fall and the chips fall where they may. People die. It happens. You’re all about the ‘cause and effect’. Well, sometimes shit happens without a cause. It just happens…[nervous silence] My, we’ve been having such a good conversation I forgot to even look at the menu. I usually get some sort of chicken. Maybe Kung Pao. [leans in like it’s a secret] Eating chicken makes me feel like I can fly.

Tamika: That’s weird cuz chickens aren’t really great flyers. Of the bird world, I mean. Comparatively.

Amy: Is that so? You know a lot about birds huh? Discovery Channel?

Tamika: Pigeon might be more your style.

Amy: [Smiles] You little smart ass. [tension is broke] That’s probably what they feed us here anyway. You fry anything enough and it’ll taste like chicken. I once fried a foot of yarn-it was pretty good.

Tamika: So why do you think Boss asked us here today? She’s not the type to call us together just for lunch.

Amy: She said she’s got some sort of proposition for us, whatever that means.

Tamika: Yep.

Amy: You think she’s got a job in mind?

Tamika: Could be. But I’m out of that game. I’ve changed. That’s all behind me now.

Amy: You’re shitting me. You’re the best in the business-you can’t quit!

Tamika: I’m just out. That’s it.

Amy: So why you clean these days? You found Jesus or somethin’? God, where’s my beer? [Loudly] Excuse me? Hello? [Back to Tamika] She’s been gone like an hour getting my beer.

Tamika: You didn’t order a beer.

Amy: Yes I did.

Tamika: No, you didn’t. I did. You said that she deserved a raise and I asked for a beer.

Amy: Bull fucking shitfrog!

[the two men at the sign waiting look startled]

Amy: [to the men] Whattya doing, anyway? Eavesdropping?

Man1: Excuse me-Is the restaurant open?

Amy: You’re in it, aren’t you?

Tamika: She’s in the back. She’ll be right out. [men look somewhat placated.]

Amy: When Boss got us together all those years ago, we made a blood oath.

Tamika: Boss and I made a blood oath. You said that you scar easily so you couldn’t

Amy: I get—

Amy and Tamika: Keloids.

Amy: That’s right. There’s just as much DNA in spit as blood, so I don’t see the problem.

Tamika: There’s not the same amount of DNA-and that’s not even the point.

Amy: What is the point?

Tamika: I don’t know-you’re the one who brought it up.

Amy: Brought what up?

Tamika: The blood oath!

Amy: And now you want out. There is no getting out.

Tamika: Oh Jesus.

Amy: You got cold feet. You’re chickening out.

Tamika: People died, Amy.

Amy: And you think you don’t have blood on your hands?

Tamika: That was an accident. And keep your voice down.

Amy: You afraid of those douchebags? [to the two men] Hey. Fuck you guys. [they don’t react-they’re in their own conversation] They aren’t listening. Whattya care anyway? You used to eat skinny asses like them for breakfast.

Tamika: I’m not like that anymore.

Amy: I’ve seen you punch a man’s nose square off his face.

Tamika: My dad doesn’t count.

Amy: You were the Terminator, Tamika. Now you’re….C-3PO……..[silence] What? What you wanna say? I can hear you thinking over there. Sounds like a wedding ring in a garbage disposal. You got something to say, say it.

Tamika: Sometimes I wish I would never have got mixed up in this whole thing. And when Boss shows up, I’ll tell her too. And that’s that.

Amy: [gets up and sits at another table]

Tamika: Come on. Don’t do that. Come back. Amy. [gets up and moves to sit next to Amy] Look. I’m sorry. But. I’ve got to do this. [Amy puts her head down on the table like she’s crying] Don’t take it personal.

Amy: It just feels like you’re running out on us. Absolute betrayal. I’d take a bullet for you. You know that? A bullet. [pulls out cell phone]

Tamika: Who are you calling? Boss?….

Michael: [over speaker phone] Hello?

Amy: Mike-Amy here. Were you sleeping?

Michael: Yes.

Amy: Its three in the afternoon.

Michael: Is it? Oh.

Amy: Look. We need team building over here.

Michael: Who’s we?

Amy: Me and Tamika. She’s trying to run out on me and Boss.

Michael: Am I on speakerphone?

Tamika: Hi Mike.

Michael: So what’s up?

Amy: Some team spirit. Something. You know, like… [makes up song on the spot] “One in mind One in Spirit All For One One For All” Something like that.

Michael: Sure. Sure. Uh……I got it. [Lean On Me by BB King] “Lean on me, when you’re not strong”

Amy: No.

Michael: Uh..[Eye of the Tiger by Survivor] “Risin’ up, back on the street Did my time, took my chances”

Amy: No.

Michael: [Don’t Worry About the Government by Talking Heads] “I smell the pine trees and the peaches in the woods”

Amy: God no. What the fuck Michael? Team spirit. Like a gang. A gang of three loving women who need each other.

Michael: [Tina Turner’s Simply the Best] “I call you when I need you, my heart’s on fire You come to me, come to me wild and wired Mmm, you come to me…..”

Amy: Keep going!

Michael: That’s all I know.

Tamika: That was great, Mike. Thanks.

Michael: I got some more-

Amy: That’s enough, Michael. It worked.

Michael: Glad I could hel—[Amy hangs up on him]

Amy: You’re back aren’t you?

Tamika: No.

[the men have walked up to the table]

Man1: Hi. Are you Tamika Willis and Amy Rauschweitz?

Tamika: Yes.

Amy: No.

Man1: Well, I’m Agent Carter and he is Agent Mathis.

Man2: Hi.

Man1: We’re with the FBI and we’re here to arrest you. We had wanted to get some General Tsao’s chicken before we did, but, the service here is terrible and we couldn’t wait any longer.

Amy: Arrest? I’m innocent. You’ve got no proof.

Tamika: What are the charges, if I can ask?

Man1: Let’s see. Running a Childcare without a license, conducting a circus without a license, making sculptures out of hair in meat packing plants, would you like me to go on?

Tamika: No.

Man2: Yes.

Man1: Growing anthrax on school playground slides, paying tribute to pagan gods inside a Presbyterian church, ……riding an ostrich.

Amy: you’ll never make that one stick.

Man2: And where’s the restaurant staff?

Man1: Good point, Agent Mathis. Where’s the restaurant staff?

Tamika: She’s in the back getting me a beer.

Man1: You better hope to God that’s the truth, Ms. Willis. [Goes into back room. Repeats the same actions as the Waitress. Absolute chaos-falls dead atop her corpse.]

[Man2, Tamika, and Amy look at each other for a number of beats blankly]

Amy: He’s taking a while in there.

Man2: He’ll be back.

[More nervous waiting.]

Tamika: You wanna sit down? [Man2 sits down and they sit in silence.]

Amy: [to Man2] You want a drink or something? Water, beer?

Man2: I’ll take a water.

Amy: [gets up like she’s going into the back room but before she opens the door, turns around] Hahaha! Sucker! I’m outta here. Sorry, Tamika. Give my regards to cell block twelve! You’ll never take Amy Rauschweitz alive! [she runs out cackling]

Man2: Not the most loyal of friends is she?

Tamika: Never trust someone who spits in a cup of your blood.

Man2: [nods]

Tamika: Say, Agent Mathis?

Man2: Yes, Tamika? [they look at each other with passion as though they both desire to kiss]

Tamika: Will you grab me a beer?

Man2: Any preference?

Tamika: Ahhhh…whatever’s on tap.

Man2: [goes into backroom but this time the lights don’t come up but you can hear crashing pots and pans and a scream of pain]

Tamika: [casually exits the restaurant]

END
By JJ Stein and Ryan McGivern