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July 14, 2008

Advice Column For The Dregs of Society: Ask Ryan

Posted by Ryan McGivern under How to, Questions, Self Improvement | Tags: |
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Here at MindFlowers, our editoral staff are constantly receiving questions such as “what’s the best way to wipe? Frontside Ollie or Backdoor Hufflepuff?”
So to help you, the average internet-dwelling, light-aversive, fanboy, we’ve decided to take your questions and pitiful pleas for help in a new endeavor called “Ask Ryan”. 
Here’s a few questions from the ol’ vault to kick things off. 

Thanks to all the contributors to this first installment of
“Ask Ryan”.

Question #1: “I have questions. Do you have answers?” from Hilda
Answer #1: Yes, Hilda. I do.

Question #2: “I seem to have lost my mind. Can you help me find it?”
                     from Brenda
Answer #2: No Brenda, I can’t. But a good first step would be cutting back on the shrooming and scat play just a little bit. We love you, and when we confront you in your intervention, at some undisclosed but surprising time, we will bring snacks.

Question #3: “I am retired and suffer from emphasema, lymphoma, and heart disease. My doctor is asking me to quit smoking before I undergo my trachectomy in August. My dear wife of 28 years Nadine died last year of cancer and I want to kick the smoking habit in memory of her. Ryan, please help.”                    from L.W., Athens GA
Answer #3: Smoking has come under fire (no pun intended!) of late by bleeding heart liberals who seek to tax it more and more to fund Welfare Queens who have twelve kids. A word to the wise, Mr. and Mrs. Democrat-I am smoker and I vote! It is true that cigarette smoke smells like dried diarrhea, and it is also true that dried diarrhea smells way better than farts. Why do you think so many people start smoking? To cover up the smell of their farts. Think about it: anyone who has ever sat all day at their desk working a temp job will tell you that holding in farts is painful and distracting. Once they find that they can go outside and release said pressure and use a cigarette to mask their atrocious odor there is no going back. After sex? Cigarettes to the rescue. At a party? All I can say is that as long as there are people eating dairy products, people will have gas. As long as people has gas, they will always choose to smell like dried diarrhea over farts. So, light ‘em if ya got ‘em. Thanks for the question!

Question #4: “Beatboxing seems really hard.”             from ;)
Answer #4: I’m not sure there’s a question there, but I’m sure you feel that way about a lot of things.

Question #5: “What is the capital of Oregon?”               from DarqueSyde
Answer #5: Eugene. Population 12,804. State Bird: Marsh Finch. Oregon is a state in the far northwest of the continental United States prone to gloating over not being Idaho. Famous residents include the woman who played Blanche on “The Golden Girls” before she graduated from High School and moved away. The house from “The Goonies” still is located in Oregon, but once it gets its act together will probably move to Cheyenne Wyoming where it has heard there are opportunities.

Question #6: “Are you my mommy?”                     from Billy
Answer #6: Smoking pot in Oregon is legal if you can think up a good story to tell your doctor. “I feel funny” works, as does “My tummy and/or eyes hurt”. It is also legal in Oregon to have your doctor kill you if you can think of a good story to tell your doctor. “I feel funny” works, as does “My tummy and/or eyes hurt”. They also will give you a prostate exam if you ask hard enough. It is illegal in Oregon to pump your gas at a gas station. You must have a gas station attendant run out to your car like its a NASCAR pitstop and then pump your gas. A doctor can also do this if you ask hard enough. Bestiality: legal. Pumping gas: way out of bounds. Smoking a doobie at your Pap test: Condoned by law. Pumping your gas: Please don’t even ask. Backhanding a senile invalid? Better be a doctor. Pumping unleaded gasoline into your Honda Civic? The police have been called and are on their way. Sasquatch have also been sighted in Oregon.

Question #7: “Do conjoined twins count as one or two in a census?”
                     from ‘Worried’ age 29
Answer #7: In Oregon, conjoined twins are revered as gods.

Question #8: “I am pregnant. How do I tell my parents?” 
                      from Kaitlynn age 14
Answer #8: Easy. Go to a school dance, have baby in a toilet and then go dance the rest of the night away. Get caught by the cops and have your parents see you on the TV and figure it out for themselves.

Question #9: “How do I tell my conservative family that I am a Democrat?”                                   from rittenword@yahoo.com
Answer #9: See answer number 8.

 

Email us here at Mindflowers, or just add as a comment to this page. Thanks again diligent readers!
Ryan McGivern

 

June 11, 2008

Radiohead and urine

Posted by j.j. under Miscellaneous, Music, Questions, Things
1 Comment 

Have you ever slept in a dumpster? That’s how I feel this morning, disoriented, uncouth, some neck pains, two days without a shower, a partly cloudy disposition. Reasons for this discombobulation are too unsavory and personal for me to feel comfort posting them to the Internet masses, so instead I’ll talk about my bladder.

But before we hike through my nether regions, I’ll instestinize about the context, a laser light show last evening featuring music from Radiohead. The light show was fantastic, the music not so much. I’ve never understood why Radiohead is so critically acclaimed. To me they sound whiny and muddled, like jazz without the fun and soul.

Anywho, I prepared a womb of blankets on the laser dome floor, laid down in comfort, chomped on chocolate and sipped mint flavored water, and then the music and colored light extravaganza slipped inside my brain and massaged and tickled my skull from the inside. It was lovely, lovely, lovely, until…

…about a third of a way into the show I felt an extreme need to urinate like a racehorse (do racehorses pee more than non-racehorses?). Peeing was all I could think about:

  • I have a minuscule bladder and I know of other people who do as well. This is an odd thing to know about someone, and I feel judged because of it. When someone is peeing next to me and takes three times as long as me, spraying at supersoaker full blast, I do feel jealousy.
  • Why when sometimes when I NEED to pee so bad it burns there isn’t that much urine that comes out, when other time it doesn’t hurt at all and I could fill up your bathtub?
  • A reoccurring fear I have is if somehow my pee-hole got super-glued shut and I just can’t pee. And then my interior implodes and explodes and the world is a gross and painful mess.
 

March 16, 2008

How To: Horse Whisper

Posted by Ryan McGivern under How to, Play, Psychology, Questions
No Comments 

I have always wanted to enter the tutelage of a horse whisperer.
I think that those equine shrinks could really help me expand my necromancy
to include deep conversation with Secretariat.
My nickname growing up was “Barbi Benton” while I was a baby, “Wet Bed McAsshole” when I was a toddler, “Late Blooming Onion” when I worked at TGIFriday’s, and “Platypus Sack” when I worked at “Outback Steakhouse”.
I had always wanted to be called “Stallion”, but I would have settled for “Mare”.
Is it wrong to love horses? I don’t think so.
Is it wrong to hit a lying down cow with a tractor?…Well, yes. Probably. But that’s beside the point.
As I have now made at least 30 dollars during my six months of sperm donation (A lot of my samples have been tainted because I add tap water to my sample cup to impress the lab workers) and I’ve thought: “Maybe I should start a sperm bank of my own!” And then I started thinking: “Maybe I could combine my love for making money off sperm with horses!”
Eureka.
I went by the fortune teller shop that’s near my acting class and I stopped in real quick to get some pointers on how to spiritually connect with horses.
“What is your spirit guide?” She asked me.
“I dunno. Platypus?”
“And you want to tell the futures of horses? Like for betting purposes?”
“No. I didn’t even think of that! I’d just thought I could make some quick dough off of horse sperm donation.”
“Oh, like a stud farm for raising horses?”
“No. I didn’t even think of that! I’d just thought I could make some quick dough off of horse sperm donation.”
I didn’t get much more help from her since she asked me to leave then, but I think I got at least one good idea: Crystal balls look awesome.
How this will tie into my idea for a unicorn dating service, I’m not sure.
(My business model is an escort service that would employ outcast Amish and excommunicated Jehovah’s Witnesses and dress them in Unicorn suits. They would then give massages that would barely comply with state and federal laws.)

Suggestions on how to summon the spirit of a dead horse, psychoanalyze farm animals, get rid of scabies, or convince those who have been ostracized from religious communities to join you in an uncertified massage/dating service are appreciated.

Ryan McGivern

Best Damn Horse I Did Ever See:
http://www.secretariat.com/
Worst Damn Critter I Did Ever Have: http://www.metrokc.gov/Health/prevcont/scabies.htm

 

March 5, 2008

Questions for Bible Study Group

Posted by J.J. under Play, Pop Culture, Psychology, Questions, Quiz, Things
[2] Comments 
  1. [finance] Does it bother you that my two cents are worth more than yours?
  2. [cooking] Have you ever used tears to spice up a dish?
  3. [gossip] Heath Leger is still alive. I saw him at Hooters earlier this evening at happy hour. He was downing two buck Buttery Nipples.
  4. [hot] If you were nude, waxed in Crisco and stuck in a cage with Newt Gingrich, what would be your initial wrestling moves? (editor’s note: standing moonsault and then stink face)
  5. [hair style] Tell me something lamer than scalping a guy with male pattern baldness?
  6. [Helen Keller's root canal] Would the dentist experience be less painful if you were deaf and blind?
  7. [satiated] Considering Homer Simpson is hung like a horse, what are the genetic odds that Bart is as well?
  8. [automotive] Whatcha gon’ do with all dat junk inside yo trunk?
  9. [mental health] Don’t eat apples. The trees are screaming as you pick their living, exterior placentas and munch on naturally-delicious sweet-tasting veggie abortions.
  10. [how-to] If you’re curious about changing careers into the cosmetology sector, consider biting the top off a piece of broccoli and rolling the hairy feel of its head in your mouth. This is what it feels like to be a professional hair cutter – constantly covered in hair.
  11. [news flash] Do you think it’s creepy, if you sit across from a bathroom and are thinking really hard about a question to write for a blog, to look off into space in the direction of the bathroom door as people go in and out and see you staring?
       

      February 28, 2008

      Remember that dildo I put in you?

      Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Love, Questions, Sex
      No Comments 

      Hey! Crazy running into you. Wow. You look great. Uh, by the way, I was wondering if I could get that dildo back from you. Yeah, the Prussian blue one. No, its not a big deal, its just that if you could get that back to me, that’d be great. No rush.

      Yeah. It was Prussian blue. You know: the dildo I put inside you. Last week? I think it was Tuesday of last week. Yeah. I mean don’t bother yourself to, you know, like, look for it right now or anything. Its just if I could get it back that’d be real cool.

      Do I know where it could be? No really I don’t. Uh, the last time I saw it, it was located inside you, but that was like Tuesday of last week, so…. Well, if you do find it, if you could maybe give me a call and I could come pick it up. That doesn’t work for you? You’d rather just mail it to me? Uh, that’s cool. Sure.

      Gosh, this is really embarrassing to say this, but… just to let you know: I didn’t intentionally forget it so that I’d have another reason to see you again. No! Nothing of the sort. I know that trick, sure-the ol’ “I forgot my jacket at your place can I come get it sometime?” thing. Sure! It works great as a booty call justification. But that is NOT the case presently. No! I just need that dildo back. Sometime. Not a biggie. Anyway, uh, good to see you. I’ll uh, yeah. Uh, see you around! Okay. Bye.

      Ryan McGivern

       

      October 26, 2007

      Quiz: What’s Your Emotional Quotient?

      Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Comedy, Questions, Quiz
      No Comments 
      1. ginger[funny] What happens when you tickle a clown to death?
      2. [what's for supper?] Tabasco, strawberry and radish salad; grilled armadillo sprinkled with baked kudzu chips; honey-dipped raw jellyfish
      3. [a way to go] The Hindenburg, the Titanic, or the Challenger?
      4. [food] Where should I put this Taco Bell chimichanga?
      5. [sweet voices] If your breasts were filled with helium, would you permit Mike Tyson to give suck to your nipples in an effort to hear the highest sound audible to human ears?
      6. [nothing] Imagine time doesn’t exist. What would you do then?
      7. [round pound] The first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Which will you be?
      8. [euphamisms] Would you rather “sluff a chutney”, or “rake the churchyard”?
      9. [H.J.'s] Spit and polish or rough and tumble?
      10. [My roommate Ben] You gonna pay me that 10 bucks you owe me, dude? Don’t make me ask-because that makes me feel like an asshole. I know its just 10 bucks, but its partly the principle of it and I need 10 bucks. That’s like gas money. Or beer money. Seriously. I hate to even bring it up, but sheesh.
      11. [Jesus H. Christ] Who’s your daddy?
       

      September 22, 2007

      Quiz: Are you typical?

      Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Improvised Writing, Psychology, Questions, Quiz
      1 Comment 
      1. [masculinity] Boning down preference: Archie or Jughead?
      2. [sugarcoated psychology] What candy do you most relate to:
        (a) Goobers, (b) Nerds, (c) Airheads, (e) Impotent Sticks
      3. [Budweiser frogs] Less filling or tastes great?
      4. [penis envy] Have you seen the bulge on Zac Efron?
      5. [productivity] Should children be taken out of failing schools and put to work in miniature factories?
      6. [rave chic] When you throw up 62 ounces of water, a tab of LSD and a half dose of ‘E’ on your rave friend “GlitterBot” do you say you’re sorry or pretend to pass out to save face?
      7. [things that make your pants tight] Watching anything with Milla Jovovich in it or eating nothing but Doritos and playing World of Warcraft for 3 days?
       

      September 19, 2007

      Quiz: What Is Your Emotional Intelligence Quotient?

      Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Play, Questions, Quiz, Religion
      No Comments 
      1. [waterfalls] Who misses Left Eye?
      2. [truth] If I were God would you believe in me?
      3. [hammer] What time is it?
      4. [human resources] Was Tony Danza a “good” nanny on “Who’s the Boss”?
      5. [dead presidents] Does trickle down economics feel warm running down your leg?
      6. [Dead Heads] Does that bong water feel warm running down your chin?
      7. [socks] What is your favored masturbation receptacle?
      8. [benefits of terrorism] Shouldn’t 9/11 prove to be an excellent marketing tool for the 911 emergency call line.
       

      September 13, 2007

      Ponderances over cheese and crack

      Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Activities, Psychology, Questions, Quiz, Self Improvement, Sex
      No Comments 
      1. [morality] Near the Applebees dumpster you find a stack of one thousand dollar bills. There is a cockroach sleeping on the stack. Do you keep the cockroach as a pet?
      2. [super powers] Would you choose invisible teeth or having all your thoughts broadcast throughout Times Square?
      3. [physics] Do you feel me?
      4. [romance] If I lit your hair on fire, would you describe yourself as all hot and bothered?
      5. [movies] Would you go down on me in a theater?
      6. [war] If hotdogs replaced bullets and orgies replaced suicide bombings, how quickly would you sign up for the Armed Forces?
      7. [economics] If I dropped a dime on your ass, would you respond with no quarter?
      8. [sexuality] Lake Placid or Watery Grave?
      9. [education] Teaching gorillas English-a) patriotic b) anglo-centric c) fun until they can file charges of sexual harassment.
      10. [child rearing] infanticide via insectide or SIDS via SARS?
      11. [12 step programs] Now that you are on your third step, do you feel a) holier than thou, b) like a schmuck, c) lonely for all the irresponsibility the second step afforded
      12. [being] To be or not to be?
       

      September 12, 2007

      YouTube Republican Debate questions

      Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Activities, Comedy, Philosophy, Pop Culture, Questions, Quiz, Romance, Sex
      No Comments 
      1. [urban planning] Better mode of transportation: catapult or waterslide?
      2. [oceanography] If your legs fused together would you scream: “I’m a beautiful, beautiful mermaid”?
      3. [anatomy] Boobs: love ‘em or leave ‘em?
      4. [philosophy] So, what’s new?
      5. [greater good] Should Eve have castrated Adam?
      6. [jumping] Is Hip-Hop dead?
      7. [hygiene] If the choice was your hand or sandpaper, how would you wipe your diarrhea?
      8. [mechanic] What’s the deal with Axel Rose?
      9. [fine dining] Twinkies do not biodegrade; how many have you consumed?
      10. [romance] If you were a cow, would you let me squeeze your udders?
       

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