Romance


Like most things, diamonds fascinate me. They symbolize wealth, purity, struggle, forever, blood, extremes, beauty, and many other words. I just read this article about them in Smithsonian Online and learned this:

The largest diamond so far found in the universe is the size of a small planet and located 50 light-years away in the constellation Centaurus. Astronomers with the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics discovered the gigantic stone a few years ago, and they believe the 2,500-mile-wide diamond once served as the heart of a star. It’s ten billion trillion trillion carats. The astronomers named it Lucy in honor of the Beatles’ song “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

That’s totally the engagement ring I’m going to get my lover once I get a lover.  And then I learned this:

Credit for the modern cult of the diamond goes primarily to South Africa-based De Beers, the world’s largest diamond producer. Before the 1940s, diamond rings were rarely given as engagement gifts. But De Beers’ marketing campaigns established the idea that the gems are the supreme token of love and affection. Their “A Diamond Is Forever” slogan, first deployed in 1948, is considered one of the most successful advertising campaigns of all time. Through a near total control of supply, De Beers held almost complete power over the diamond market for decades, carefully hoarding the gemstones to keep prices—and profits—high. While the company has lost some of its power to competitors in Canada and Australia over the past few years, it still controls almost two-thirds of the world’s rough diamonds.

yes my window’s open
yes my mouth is open
salt, dead fish, alive fish and sand
and I’m kissing all over back and neck
sketches, poems, naked people, and heroes
after          dark          in          summer
barking big dogs and a silent undertow
in the morning I’ll make you breakfast
your breath is getting slower
its darker the movie’s boring
near drowning desk lamp
a moth on the screen
launched by the flick of my nimble finger
yes I’m swimming in you
yes a sea I couldn’t plan or imagine

 

Ryan McGivern

Everyone has a soul mate somewhere. Tom Petty’s soul mate is a pebble on top of Mount Kilomanjaro in the Ukrainian section of the Andes range. But the point is everyone has a soul mate. The following guide will teach you how to attract your soul mate.

This is a factual statement:
Your self esteem is like the stake at a witch burning: Absolutely necessary.

How your self esteem will ever recover from that time in 8th grade when Caitlyn Dresch pointed out your cold sore in front of the whole class, I’ll never know. But the important thing is that you at least FAKE a strong sense of self esteem. When going on a first date, answer every question with “hell yeah” and never avert your gaze from her eyes.

There you have it. It’s that easy.

It is also important to keep up your hygiene. Eleven basic tenets of masculine hygiene are:

  1. wax your mustache like a French boxer from the 1920′s
  2. never cut your fingernails — the longest fingernails win! Dick Cheney’s are seven inches long although the mainstream press always Photoshops them out!
  3. save toenail clippings so you can show them at that special moment
  4. in a separate container, save eye crusties and sleepies; this is who you are — be proud and she’ll bone you.
  5. brush only the front teeth; no one can see those molars and wisdom teeth anyway so why waste your time when you should be watching sports?
  6. don’t forget the steroids! you need strong thighs for thrusting.
  7. if you have manly chest hair, shave on a Batman symbol just in case.
  8. if you don’t have manly chest hair, Mindflowers endorses Rogaine with extra Monoxodil.
  9. before any first date have your mother smack you in the face with a Mag-Lite flashlight; nothing is sexier to a woman than a black eye and a broken nose.
  10. shave off one eyebrow
  11. botox everything

It has been a common misconception that women are afraid of heights. This is pure nonsense. It may however be true that women are allergic to Stetson cologne, though.

JJ and Ryan McGivern

Gertrud Directed by Carl Theodor Dreyer 1964

Dreyer’s heroine Gertrud is an answer to Kierkegaard’s heterosexual imagination and also to his ‘Johannes the Seducer’. We see here a strong female who in the film’s context of 1883 is a rebellious iconoclastic forerunner of the ‘liberated woman’. Throughout the film, we are given time to view Gertrud’s search for a love whose definition is evolving. This evolution finds its way through the course of three primary relationships whereby she achieves one of love’s great aims; knowing oneself.

Gertrud is in a loveless marriage with Gustav, a well to do aristocrat who is eyeing ever higher positions in the government. He is an echo of Torvold from Ibsen’s Dollhouse, a reasonable man who embodies Kierkegaard’s ethical realm. In Gertrud’s revealing argument with Gustav, she says that the way that he treats her is “worse than indifference. It is a lack of feeling.” Gustav is absolutely stunned by her finding the marriage unsatisfactory since she has been given a life of ease and creature comforts. But she has felt alone and isolated. “Work shouldn’t exile a wife.” She says. “But it is a man’s nature to work.” Gustav replies and argues from the cultural expectation of the day. To complete the picture of Gustav being representative of the ethical sphere of existence and without any aesthetic or immediate connection to his wife, he admits, “The woman that can drive you crazy doesn’t exist.”

In contrast to Gustav is Erland, Gertrud’s passionate lover who is a famous pianist and composer who accompanies Gertrud’s professional operatic singing. Together they comprise a passionate duo reveling in the aesthetic. As is appropriate to the aesthetic sphere, Gertrude says to Erland, “Life is a dream. A long, long clamor of dreams drifting into each other.” Erland asks, “Even my kiss? My mouth?” “Yes, also a dream.” She answers. As the story unfolds, we find that true to his seductive air, Erland is merely playing with Gertrud’s affections and has many lovers of which she is but one. In this way, she has become a Cordelia from Kierkegaard’s Seducer’s Diary.

It is then revealed that Gertrud, before either Gustav or Erland, had been married to a poet laureate of Denmark named Gabe Lidmann. He is known as the county’s “poet of love” and his famous work of poetry is titled Love and Thought. At once the initial thought is to consider Gabe the ‘love’ and Gustav the ‘thought’ but it is more complicated than that dichotomy. Gabe says to Gertrud, “I believe in the pleasures of the flesh and the loneliness of the soul.” which would seem to paint him in the aesthetic sphere with Erland, but Gabe also says, “A woman’s love and a man’s work are mortal enemies.” And because of his interest in the ‘pleasures of the flesh’ to inspire his poetry, his work begins to “dry up” because of their dwindling passion. His actions are also similar to Erland the seducer in that Gertrud discovers that Gabe had steered the relationship to create the illusion that it was Gertrud who left-when in reality she finds it was he pushing her away.

Gertrud’s attitude towards love changes in the film and we are led to believe that her final embodiment of it is the best for her and a high and estimable standard. She says early in the film, “Love is suffering. Love is sadness.” and it seems that along with the sadness, there is no joy, but that changes in the epilogue. In a very Kierkegaardian fashion, when there are flashbacks in the film, there is an abstracted quality, an unreal feeling. Through the use of lighting and camera technique, the cinematography takes on a dreamy quality. For the epilogue too, this technique is used. It seems to hearken to Kierkegaard’s idea of ‘recollection’ as being projected in the past and future. In the epilogue we learn that Gertrud has lived completely independent of men and has learned, “Amor Omnia”, that “love is all”. She is not unhappy, and quite content living the solitary life. Not only has she found happiness in releasing herself from the past and from dependence on others, but we find Gustav and Gertrud’s secret admirer have also. All three at different times come to destroy the fetishes of their love-letters and pictures. As they do so, they free themselves from the ‘hoarding of an objectified love’ in the style of Kierkegaard’s seducer. As the movie closes, our attention is drawn to the beauty and religious nature of Gertrud’s new found faith/love of which she says, “there is nothing but love” with the herald of ringing church bells. Lars von Trier uses this same herald for the heroine Bess’ faith/love.

Like any God-fearing Atheist, I recognize Pride as one of the eight deadly sins (Patriotism is the recent addition) and I’m sinning like obesity, baby, with my four quarts of yellow Pride in The Cloud Appreciation Society (TCAS). I am a card-carrying, dues-paying member (seriously!), and if you have any self-respect left in that amoral empty soul of yours, you will join TCAS quicker than I can fill my water-bed with Pepsi (fourteen hours, eighteen-minutes, 6225 12 ounce cans).

And now, for your eyes only, porn from the Clouds That Look Like Things thread on the TCAS website. If you spooge or get wet or your nipples harden or your ears twitch or whatever being turned on does to the physical you, I understand. Don’t feel bad about your desire. Shame is for losers and Mindflowers readers have won seven of the last eight Triple Crowns (Note: Many Mindflowers readers are, in fact, horses).

[Apologies for the abundance of numbers and measurements in this posting; I spent today writing grants and Foundations adore quantifiable data. I am stuck in that mode].

clouds-about-to-kiss.jpg
clouds about to kiss
.
the-runaway.jpg
the runaway
.
icarus-in-trouble.jpg
Icarus headed for trouble or a ghostly Afghan Hound
.
lying-down-on-a-cloud.jpg
lying down on a cloud

You Are Such A Brick Ryan McGivern

A pin dropped in a Greek amphitheatre I’m told
can be heard.
Who’s bringing pins there I’m not sure.
Maybe Athena, that goddess of household crafts.
That same pin driven into my eyeball
could be felt by me.
Whether in Greece or not.
Who would drive a pin into my eye,
I’m not sure.
Maybe Ares, that god of war and all around asshole.
And blind I may soon become, but I need it this way.
Ares’ way.
And you, you brick, make at once a prison wall
and cathedral tower.
Chartres and Babel.
You’re warm in the sun and I’ll
hide prayers in your cracks.
and like the tarot card, lightning will strike
you and “XVI” will appear above you
and I’ll come streaming out of you,
falling forever frozen in the air.
Tripped on the stumbling block

and crushed under the foundation stone,
I may soon become, but I need it this way.
Your way.

 

Dear Buril,buril.jpg

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Hot, sticky, lots of flies, mosquitoes, sweaty. And how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Seven ways. I won’t enumerate on that for the moment.

Your eyes remind me of two soggy Cheerios floating in a sea of creamy breast milk. Your ears are like two beautiful butterflies copulating on a midnight rose.

You are welcome to any and all of my pistachio shells, but donations are welcome and accepted. I (hope) we will remain together in love forever and a day.

I remain yours,

Earl Cheesesteak

More Imaginary Letters

The Seattle Flash Makeout will commence at exactly
4:20 p.m.
Sunday February 24th

a song will be played.
lots of people will smooch.
bring your own or share one of ours.

the song will end.
We’ll disperse as if…

In Fremont, WA
around the Lenin statue, that man needs some LOVE.
at the corner of 36th and Evanston in Fremont.

Sometimes we get drinks after…
sometimes we smooch some more.

Photographers welcome.

***PLEASE REPOST AS MANY PLACES AS YOU CAN***

PRE-MAKEOUT DRINKS AT NECTAR 2PM

Seattle Times Article
Seattle Flash Makout Tribe

Some political websites purport to have all the news on the Presidential candidates. Ha! What a joke! Has www.bbc.co.uk ever told us what Mitt Romney’s pillow talk is like? Or what Mike Gravel secretly wishes for in the darkest watches of the night?

I’ve learned to not be impressed with the internet. Where other politcal bloggers are simply happy to ‘rate’ the candidates, I have gone through the trouble of dating the candidates.

1. My first date was with Mike Huckabee. Since he’s not really a contender, we simply made a lunch date where I figured we’d have a drink and maybe a walk around the LaBrea Tar Pits. Well, was I in for a treat! I was picked up at 4am by that Walker Texas Ranger guy in a 1994 Toyota Corolla and brought to a barn. There I was made to hay the stalls and wash the horses. Mike showed up around 6:00am and gave an exhortation to “remain steadfast in the Lord”. I said, “I’m thirsty, Mike!” and he said, “So was Jesus and you know what the Jews did? They gave Him gall to drink!” and I says back, “I think it was a Roman who gave him gall to drink, Mike.” and he stomps off screaming something about me being lazy. In closing, I give this date:
Two Relevant Thoughts out of Ten.

2. I next went out with Hillary Clinton. I had bought her flowers and chocolates and everything! I drove to pick her up and she let me in and threw the chocolates at Bill who was air boxing a cardboard cut out of Chris Matthews. I had said that we could see any movie of her choosing and she decided on “27 Dresses”. She cried the whole time. Seriously. It was embarrassing. Then we went out for some sushi and she had one too many sakis. “Ryan, sometimes I question my ability to lead.” “Why’s that Hil?” “I….I know how this will sound, Ryan. But…Its because I’m a woman. I’m afraid I’ll collapse under the pressure.” I looked her square in the eye and said, “That’s absolutely sexist and I’m ashamed of you. Haven’t you ever seen Tootsie? Or Private Benjamin?” She stood to her feet and with her arms raised triumphantly screamed, “I can do it! I can be President!” and then I said, “Well, actually, you can’t. You’ve pretty much lost the primaries. I’m sorry. Are you gonna finish your California Roll?” All said, I give Clinton: Five Retracted Statements Out Of Ten.

3. For my date with John McCain, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot. We were making out all night long! We made out at a bowling alley, a supermarket, my pot dealer’s house, all kinds of places! I like his “policies”! He put my hands to work, he was tough but fair, and he gave me tax credits for my medical care. McCain’s date earned him:
A Mitt Romney/Ryan McGivern endorsement!

4. My date with Barack Obama…What can I say? It was SOOOOO dreamy. He sent me a link to his inspirational Will.i.am video and asked me to go on “the most awesomest date ever in the history of dating.” I asked him what we would do on the date. “Anything and everything you want.” I was like: “OMG!” So we planned on going out this last Saturday and even though he stood me up, I was so inspired I sent him 500 bucks. Then, he re-scheduled for Sunday and stood me up again and I was like: “Hey, Barack. I waited for like 3 hours at the restaurant.” and he was like: “I’m not your ordinary date. I’m changing the way things are done.” and I sent him another 500 bucks. I still haven’t dated him, but I give Obama:
10 Inspiring Vague Promises Out Of 10.

Ryan McGivern
www.myspace.com/mckibbon

www.veracifier.com
www.mittromney.com
www.27dressesthemovie.com
www.tarpits.org

heart-to-heart.jpgI’m falling out of love with myself. . I’m no dummy. I can see the writing on the wall. I’ve been acting differently lately–listening to what other people are saying when before I’d just be trying to remember the name of the two dogs from Magnum P.I.

I’ve even caught myself entertaining altruistic thoughts. This past week I found the words “Let me buy the next round” almost on my lips! I later said that I was drunk, but that’s no excuse. I thought that maybe it was just a disinterest connected to my recent weight gain but I see it goes deeper than that. I think that over time I let my guard down and I saw parts of myself I didn’t know were there.

I prove true the maxim that love “is an ignorance of someone that allows you to believe they’re not as dispicable as the rest of humanity.” I mean, you live with someone long enough and you see their real self. I can eat an entire package of cold hot dogs in one sitting and I play the musical Evita real loud and sing the words all wrong.

I wish I hadn’t wasted the best years of my life on a dead-end relationship with myself. I wish I had a DeLorien. I’d crank it up to 88 in a shopping mall parking lot and go back to 1991 and warn myself “no matter how cute, how luxurious the hair, or knowing the touch, don’t fall in love with yourself!” My 1991 self would look at me with shock and amazement, and most likely a healthy dose of lust because let’s face it: I’ve still ‘got it’.

My friends all tell me its for the best that I move on. My self help books say its a step towards healthy adulthood but its going to be hard to let go. Especially after I’ve given myself a ring and tattooed my name on my chest. And it will be hard to get used to the idea of being a selfish lover as a ‘bad thing’.

Its already uncomfortable. This morning I saw myself in the mirror and I pretended I was too busy brushing my teeth to stop and chat.

But don’t cry for me Marge and Tina. I’ll be alright. Maybe I’ll just have sex with myself once more for closure.

Ryan McGivern

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