Start a zine
Raise a cocker spaniel
Trip on smoked banana peels
Pour boiling hot herbal tea into a garden plot and wait for a gazebo to grow
Ignite a sunset
Propose to a garden gnome
Visit the elderly and make them my unwitting models for my “Waiting to Expire” website
Knit a child a sweater made from human hair
Dine among kittens
Take one deep breathe and fourteen little ones then drink three gluten free beers
Join a pottery class only to drop it because “glazing is so passe and its required!”
Recycle jokes I heard from Carlos Mencia as karma
Bury secrets in my closet
Amputate
Pull someone’s finger whether they want me to or not
Listen to the Beatles Rubber Soul album four times in a row in the dark
Watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the sound off with “Dark Side of The Moon” playing
Howl at a sunrise
Light a fire, run away
Put books I don’t want in a bookstore
Sing to the mailperson through the mailslot
Stand in the shower
Write the first sentence of a novel
Dance like people are watching when no one is
Eat ice cream soup
Nap until morning
Raise a family of ducks, cause a divorce and some delinquency
Fly a kite in a lightning storm with the string attached to an electric eel as justice
Fly paper airplanes into airport bathroom stalls
Go to the zoo and ask mournfully: “Who’s really in the cage? Really?”
Daydream, night terror, nocturnally emit, daywalk, moonwalk
Sit in a bathtub
Go window shopping for windows
Swim in a stranger’s eyes
Crank call a relative
Eat popcorn without butter to prove it can be done
Found a museum
Watch a little league game and talk loudly about how commercialized the sport is
Pick a peck of pickled peppers
Plant a tree, chop it down, call it a day
Write a letter to Santa, address it to myself, read it when it arrives and get busy making dolls
BBQ!
Watch “Scooby Doo” and really you know, like ‘feel it,’ man
Watch “Swingblade” as romance
Make a pizza and deliver it to a stranger’s house
Eat mac n’ cheese off a frisbee
Buy a parrot and teach it to say “I love you”–and really mean it this time
Play croquet with a flamingo
Play golf with a mango
Play possum at the library
Baby sit a chair
Prospect for gold in my friend’s house
Study my hand for an hour and think about Carl Sagan
Practice flesh origami
Play guitar with a pool cue
Look up ways to lance boils on the internet
Tell a librarian to lower their voice
Ruin a joke
Tape a note to a public bathroom’s toilet reading: “Carpe Diem”
Listen to punk for once in my life, goddammit
Solve the riddle of the Sphinx
Read the Bible backwards
Wash the ground around a parked car
Whistle a merry little tune
Make a scrapbook of my toenail clippings
Paint furniture!
Draw an insensitive cartoon, release it, then retract it with a poorly worded apology
Put a bandaid under my left eye
Go to a church and raise my hand to ask questions during the sermon
Offer a cemetery to volunteer as a Zombie Lookout
Eavesdrop on others
Ride the bus all day, nap off and on
Watch Judge Judy and learn a thing or two about real life, man
Befriend a fish
Bowl for fish
Fish for compliments
Gamble on a game of “Risk”
Collect comics that feature Wolverine because “I can identify with him.”
Cake!
Trace the outline of my face and features in the mirror, enter parallel universe
Sew some drapes, y’all!
Lift 12oz. weights
Donate blood
Play volleyball in jeans, then motorcycle away and make love in silhouette
Exorcise
Watch “Space Jam” in slow motion
Write the Wall Street Journal an Op-Ed piece about my opinions, feelings, fears
Deep fat fryer!
Hangout at the grocery store and supermarket shuffle with people in a hurry
Watch a cat give birth while smoking a clove cigarette and making critiques
Listen to AM radio
Eat the watermelon seeds at a watermelon seed spitting contest
Ghost ride the whip
Smile!
Make lists
Self Improvement
October 26, 2011
101 Things To Do When You’ve Had Too Much Coffee
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Bipolars!, Diarrhea, Drugs, Ideas, Self Improvement[2] Comments
April 22, 2011
How To: Effectively Communicate
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, How to, Self Improvement[4] Comments
Assert your power! You have climbed to the top of the evolutionary doggy pile and
now its time to communicate effectively in the most passionate doggy style.
Give it all you got! Never stop talking and gesticulating. It will require a lubricated throat and sweaty hands to make sure you can keep your communication flow operating at Sam Kinnison levels. Get going! Now is your time to shine.
The aim of this instructional essay is to get you communicating like Koko the Gorilla can only dream of in her barely sentient noggin. So read these words with every ounce of strength you’ve got! The written word is still a valid form of communication and this blog entry, The Ten Commandments, the playlist taped to the stage by Iggy Pop’s microphone, and Battlefield Earth are all examples of this truism.
What is Passive Communication?
Great question!
Passive Communication allows others to make decisions for you which is really really stupid unless you are in a coma or horribly senile, in which case it would be a great idea.
Passive Communication means remaining silent even at the cost of your own best interests. Like when my ex-girlfriend Stephanie married that jerk Steve and the Priest asked the congregation “if there was any reason that they should not get married to speak now or forever hold your peace” and I just sat there in the pew literally biting my tongue. It wasn’t until much later at their reception at the Elk’s Lodge that I spoke my mind with the eloquence of five Jim Beams in me. But sometimes in communication, timing is just as important as volume and profanity.
Passive Communication utilizes sarcasm and proves that everyone loves passivity sometimes—at least when it is aimed at another co-worker in the office who intimidates the two of you. Then your sarcasm and coy backbiting will thrill and delight.
Passive Communication means you give in to others even when it means that you will be filled with resentment. And resentment’s Latin root is ‘resent’ like the word ‘present’ and resentment will be an everlasting present to you which you can open again and again while drinking beer sitting in front of a broken TV, watching your inky black reflection in its horrifying screen.
Passive Communication means that you are not honest with your desires and can be one of the last remaining reasons you have still not made out with your married cousin.
What is Aggressive Communication?
Aggressive Communication means you bottle up your feelings in a magical Genie lamp you bought at that creepy antique store in San Francisco’s Chinatown until they finally manifest themselves in the form of Bea Arthur and wrap their very long legs around your neck and make you drink of their hateful musk.
Aggressive Communication means interrupting the other person. This includes coitus interruptus or interrupting your grandmother’s 85th birthday party for coitus.
Aggressive Communication is when you shout, yell, or raise your voice. This is why aggressive communication is an absolutely necessary mode of communication for teachers, bullfighters, stage actors, and birthing coaches.
Aggressive Communication includes being inappropriately honest. Now, don’t get me wrong–honesty is the best policy and I myself have never told a lie. But it is important to choose your words wisely. Instead of ‘idiotic’ use ‘demonstrably moronic’ and you can replace ‘horse faced’ with “looks like a famous sports athelete…you know, like Seabiscuit.”
What is Assertive Communication?
This is the worst type of communication because you will be pretty much putting yourself at risk of emotional vulnerability.
We here at MindFlowers Communication Technologies hope that this has been helpful and all you readers out there that are currently in struggling marriages have found a few helpful hints on how to end your union in a spectacular and memorable way.
July 1, 2010
Hey Teens! Let’s Talk: Survival
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Parenting, Self ImprovementLeave a Comment
Life is cruel kids. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t look good doing it. I’m talkin’ ’bout style baby! Living large in a dizzing cacaphony of evolutionary forces can be daunting but with the right moves and really tight jeans you’ll not only be surviving, you’ll be thriving!
Share this information with your fellow gang-members and keep it from rival gangs for it will breed certain success in your living and maybe even your breeding. How do you know that this information is only for the most hard boiled badasses dead-set on not gettin’ dead? Its written. Who else still reads except for tough as nails end-of-the-world survivalists who want to be able to read the labels on the tin cans stored in their fallout shelter?
Get the most out of life and pass on your ultra strong genetics to the next generation as quick as possible! Preferably with that really hot new foreign exchange student.
Poisoning
Hey kids! Like duh! Poison is totally gross unless its diluted just enough to give you a kickin’ buzz. Have you been poisoned? Oh oh. How do you know the difference between dying and seeing The Truth? If you’re asking that question, my guess is that you’ve had just the right amount of LSD.
Some poisonings are worse than others. Food poisoning from Taco Bell is one thing, but food poisoning from Taco Bell on a date can feel fatally embarrassing! Ogh! If you’re poisoned call the National Poison Hotline at 1 800 222 1222.
Being Home Alone
Being at home without any parents around is the best thing that can happen to you as a teenager but it can also be very dangerous. Most teenaged fatalities occur when teens are left to their own devices and have ample time behind closed doors to masturbate unfettered by the bounds by society, common sense, human civility, or safety. When I was fifteen and my parents left me alone all weekend while attending a funeral in Iowa, I nearly eunuched myself.
Its important kids to remember to use the Safety Protocol of Rubbin’ One Out: Blisters are cause for pause.
Being Approached By A Stranger
Remember when going home with a stranger to carefully note the streets and landmarks around the motel to which they’re bringing you. This will help you know the closest Chinese Take Out place to suggest.
Snake Bites
Ouch!
Now you’re armed with the most dangerous weapon: knowledge.
And most of you are armed with the second most dangerous weapon: STDs. But we’ll cover that subject later.
June 22, 2010
Hey Teens! Let’s Talk: Depression
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Parenting, Self ImprovementLeave a Comment
Many teens are presently playing Guitar Hero and wondering: Am I depressed?
The question is always made more difficult for teens to ask and answer because teens have just so many reasons to be depressed.
First of all, they’re growing up in a global economic depression and everywhere they look birds and manatees are stuck together by BP oil.
Secondly, have you seen the skin on a teenager? If you awoke each morning to a new leper mask that looked like a Jackson Pollacked sebum crime scene, you’d have the case of the blues too.
Diagnosing Depression
Yes, you may be depressed. But you also just might be Kristen Stewart or watching a movie with Kristen Stewart in it. Malaise can occur under many circumstances. If you’re depressed, you may experience a clarity about how much life sucks and how phony adults are. Other signs include ‘getting it’, ‘preferring smoking pot over drinking shitty beer like all the other jock douches at school’, and ‘not playing into The Man’s lies anymore’.
Making The Most of Your Depression
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And when life gives you depression, take Prozac.
Some teens think that having depression means they won’t be able to have fun anymore, but there’s been a major shift in consciousness in recent years about how to make having depression work for you–rather than you working for it.
Taking days off from school to ‘get your head right’ will grant you endless unsupervised hours to play video games and masturbate with abandon.
Eating carbohydrates will pad you from the world and shield you with the warm hug of fatty tissue, perhaps the last hug you’ll ever have.
Remember teens, depression is just another lousy part of this wretched joke we call life. So enjoy it while you can.
Teen depression is a cake walk compared to adult depression, believe me.
More on depression:
http://www.teendepression.org/
November 28, 2009
Many Santas are coming to town!!
Posted by Ryan McGivern and J.J. under Activities, Adventure, Events, Religion, Romance, Self Improvement[2] Comments
A Santacon invite:
Thanksgiving is now behind us, putting us squarely in ‘The Holidays’ now, which can mean only one thing: Santa Clauses coming To Town… LOTS of them.
On Saturday, December 12th, 2009, beginning at 11:30am, hundreds of Santas of all stripes will converge at an as-yet-undisclosed location to begin a day of fun known alternately as ‘Santarchy’ or ‘Santacon’.
If you’ve never attended a Santarchy, we highly recommend it. There’s just nothing like roaming the city dressed as Santa Claus in a big, red Santa mob, singing carols, handing out candy canes, and popping into pubs for a quick sip once in awhile.
For more information on Santarchy/Santacon Seattle, check out the Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=168342134116, or go to http://www.trisantacon.com/, where you can get info about the Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, and Bellingham Santacons. Be sure to check back at those sites closer to the day of the event to get information on where to meet and how to catch up if you miss the start.
And if you need a Santa suit, you might be surprised at how inexpensive they actually are. This time of year you can find them at lots of major retailers, or whip up something yourself from old clothes, fabric, or odds-and-ends laying round the house. And although Santa is the primary character roaming the streets on Santarchy, you’ll be sure to find some elves, and maybe reindeer and other known Santa associates.
We hope to see you out on December 12th for Seattle Santarchy!
Happy Holidays!
dirty bunny
July 28, 2009
Script: Losing Weight and Saving Souls (for two players)
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Drugs, Play, Script, Self ImprovementLeave a Comment
Tina: This is going to be the most memorable summer ever!
Sarah: You’re right, Tina! This is one summer at Loon Lake Camp that we’ll never forget!
T: Look at how excited I am! I’m getting goose bumps!
S: My hands are shaking in part because I’m detoxing but certainly also because camp starts today!
T: I’ve got to say, Sarah, that I think I’m going to win ‘counselor of the year’.
S: Not so fast, Tina. I’ve held that honor for the last three years. I’m not going to give it up easily.
T: We’ll just have to wait and see! I think a lot of campers are going to find Jesus this summer.
S: And lose weight.
T: That’s right. Having Arizona’s only Baptist affiliated Fat Camp assures us we’re gonna get a lot of backslid chubbies. This is going to be a memorable year.
S: I’m going to remember it as the summer that our ‘no drownings’ streak ended.
T: The campers haven’t even arrived yet!
S: I know. It was the Camp Nurse, Ms. Burnett.
T: We don’t even have a lake! It dried up in last year’s drought!
S: I know. She drowned in a pool of her own blood.
T: The five year ‘no drowning’ streak is finally over? This IS going to be a memorable summer. Of course, this is also just my first year at Loon Lake so that makes it pretty memorable.
S: I remember my first year working here. I was a virgin then.
T: …I hope the campers come soon. I can’t wait to get into the craft shack and make friendship bracelets!
S: I used up all the thread. Sorry….I made an auto-asphyxiation noose.
T: …Kids are really going to meet Jesus here, I can feel it!
S: And lose weight.
T: Right- and lose weight. Speaking of, I’m hungry.
S: The camp cook died this morning so there won’t be dinner. Just to let you know.
T: How?
S: Slipped in Ms. Burnett’s blood. And then he drowned in it.
T: Two drownings in one day! After a 5 year streak! Where did all her blood come from anyway?
S: I can’t wait to get these kids started on a crash course diet!
T: And learn about martyrs, and spiritual warfare, and possession, and Ephesians,
S: Ha! Kids don’t care about that stuff anymore! Now its all “iPhone” this, and “Xbox” that. We haven’t even had a proper demon possession the last two summers.
T: Well, I’m sure that will change. I myself already had a demon of overeating cast out of me this morning.
S: And it shows, Tina. Looking good!
T: Oh, hush! You’re too kind. But you’re right. I’m looking pretty good. I really don’t know how I can eat all that I do and stay so slim!
S: Ah, the metabolism and vanity of youth.
T: This is going to be such a memorable summer.
S: I’m going to remember as much of this summer as I can, given all the heavy mind-erasing drugs I’ll be using. But before I forget, I should tell you that there will be a planned burning of the soccer field tomorrow.
T: Oh No! I’d planned a soccer tournament and tithe-drive on the field tomorrow! But I guess to prevent wildfires, you’ve just got to pre-burn some areas.
S: Oh, it has nothing to do with wildfires. I’m burning it as part of my soccer tournament and sermon illustration.
T: To show the kids what hell is like? Fight fire with fire as it were?
S: I didn’t think of that. No, its just for them to stand by it and sweat out some water weight.
T: Your sermon is….
S: “And Jesus Wept: Keeping your water weight down.” It’s a three part series.
T: This is going to be so memorable!
S: It sure will be! Like I remember when I went into your room this morning and replaced your Tic Tacs with Sugarfree Tic-Tacs.
T: Tic-Tacs?….You mean my mood stabilizer and bi-polar medications? I thought they looked funny!
S: Whatever they were, you can expect to lose some weight with Sugarfree Tic-Tacs.
T: I’m on 4000 milligrams of anti-psychotics on an 8 hour cycle, Sarah! I’ll lose my mind before I lose weight!
S: All your screaming is really killing my crank buzz and crushing my heroine chill, man.
T: I’m sorry.
S: Thank you. Apology accepted.
T: I keep forgetting that you’re an old pro at this summer camp thing.
S: That’s right. And you’re just a greenhorn. You don’t know the grim realities of a Bible/Fat Camp.
T: Please show me the ropes.
S: I will. I promise to give you all the insider 411.
T: No, I mean your auto-asphyxiation noose. I’m feeling my brain chemistry radically changing and I’d like to regulate through a tabooed life-threatening form of erotic self-harm.
S: Now you’re talking like a seasoned Bible Camp Counselor.
T: Ah! A Bible/FAT Camp Counselor.
S: C’mon. Let’s go get you a noose and then burn the dead. We’ve got overweight Christian preteens to get ready for.
(End)
March 12, 2009
I told my therapist about you.
Posted by j.j. under Art, Psychology, Self ImprovementLeave a Comment
January 23, 2009
Buy yourself a piece of the New Obama Age.
Posted by Ryan McGivern under Merchandise, Self Improvement, ThingsLeave a Comment
Hello friends and enemies.
I’ve just finished a sandwich that qualified as a sandwich by its being two pieces of bread.
I wanted to share with you all a secret: I don’t believe in aliens.
Which makes my UFO sightings all the more troubling.
There is a lot about me that you probably don’t know. Like:
1) I’ve never checked out a book from a library.
2) I can talk about any sport and any recent game played by any two teams well enough to suggest that I actually care about sports yet without having ever watched a full game of anything other than my roommates’ “Risk” tournaments.
3) I’ve got full-on Obama fever.
To celebrate the New Obama Era, I wanted to point you all over to my friend’s eBay page where he’s got a steam chair for sale.
Seriously, a steam chair.
Have you seen that James Bond movie where Bond is almost killed by
being stuck in that hot ass sarcaphagus thing that’s like boiling him
alive? Yeah. Its like that.
What better way to ring in the beginning of Obama’s term than with
the only chair that could almost kill James Bond?
Bid early and often.
http://shop.ebay.com/merchant/andydevore
December 12, 2008
Flowchart: How to live your life
Posted by j.j. under Adventure, How to, Self Improvement[3] Comments
November 24, 2008
Wanna see my new tattoo?
Oh, you could already see it since I’m wearing a tank top?
Yes, it did hurt like hell…or that’s what my friend who watched it go down told me after I sobered up.
Its not much to look at right now, I know.
This one just sets up the characters you know. Kinda introduces the archetypes that will be appearing. What I like about this first one is that it works as a stand alone project.
Its got its own merit.
But this isn’t the end. No. There’s gonna be a sequel.
Dude. Check out my new tattoo! Oh, you could see it since I’m not wearing a shirt?
I forgot that I wasn’t.
This one is a little darker isn’t it? You see, I knew that my audience had aged and would be a little more jaded than last time. There’s definitely some surprises in there huh?
Well, as if you couldn’t guess, there’s gonna be another one. Kinda to wrap up the loose ends.
I know, I know, it’ll be hard to wait but it’ll definitely be worth it when it all comes together.
Hi. What’s up?
Not much. I just uh, been hanging out.
What? A tattoo? The last installment of my tattoo trilogy?
Yeah. Uh…Its done. I uh gotta run and pick up my niece….okay, okay.
Here. Look.
There were production problems. I don’t know where it went wrong.
The story was there, but I guess its just past its time now huh?
Shoulda struck while the iron was hot. All the themes that seemed so
pertinent under the Bush administration just aren’t as applicable in today’s new culture of “hope”.
I blame it on the lighting. It just looks fake. The first Hulk movie had better graphics.
Oh well. Hey! I got this great idea for the next tattoo though: A remake of my first tattoo but this time set in the future!
