Here at MindFlowers, our editoral staff are constantly receiving questions such as “what’s the best way to wipe? Frontside Ollie or Backdoor Hufflepuff?”
So to help you, the average internet-dwelling, light-aversive, fanboy, we’ve decided to take your questions and pitiful pleas for help in a new endeavor called “Ask Ryan”.
Here’s a few questions from the ol’ vault to kick things off.
Thanks to all the contributors to this first installment of
“Ask Ryan”.
Question #1: “I have questions. Do you have answers?” from Hilda
Answer #1: Yes, Hilda. I do.
Question #2: “I seem to have lost my mind. Can you help me find it?”
from Brenda
Answer #2: No Brenda, I can’t. But a good first step would be cutting back on the shrooming and scat play just a little bit. We love you, and when we confront you in your intervention, at some undisclosed but surprising time, we will bring snacks.
Question #3: “I am retired and suffer from emphasema, lymphoma, and heart disease. My doctor is asking me to quit smoking before I undergo my trachectomy in August. My dear wife of 28 years Nadine died last year of cancer and I want to kick the smoking habit in memory of her. Ryan, please help.” from L.W., Athens GA
Answer #3: Smoking has come under fire (no pun intended!) of late by bleeding heart liberals who seek to tax it more and more to fund Welfare Queens who have twelve kids. A word to the wise, Mr. and Mrs. Democrat-I am smoker and I vote! It is true that cigarette smoke smells like dried diarrhea, and it is also true that dried diarrhea smells way better than farts. Why do you think so many people start smoking? To cover up the smell of their farts. Think about it: anyone who has ever sat all day at their desk working a temp job will tell you that holding in farts is painful and distracting. Once they find that they can go outside and release said pressure and use a cigarette to mask their atrocious odor there is no going back. After sex? Cigarettes to the rescue. At a party? All I can say is that as long as there are people eating dairy products, people will have gas. As long as people has gas, they will always choose to smell like dried diarrhea over farts. So, light ‘em if ya got ‘em. Thanks for the question!
Question #4: “Beatboxing seems really hard.” from 
Answer #4: I’m not sure there’s a question there, but I’m sure you feel that way about a lot of things.
Question #5: “What is the capital of Oregon?” from DarqueSyde
Answer #5: Eugene. Population 12,804. State Bird: Marsh Finch. Oregon is a state in the far northwest of the continental United States prone to gloating over not being Idaho. Famous residents include the woman who played Blanche on “The Golden Girls” before she graduated from High School and moved away. The house from “The Goonies” still is located in Oregon, but once it gets its act together will probably move to Cheyenne Wyoming where it has heard there are opportunities.
Question #6: “Are you my mommy?” from Billy
Answer #6: Smoking pot in Oregon is legal if you can think up a good story to tell your doctor. “I feel funny” works, as does “My tummy and/or eyes hurt”. It is also legal in Oregon to have your doctor kill you if you can think of a good story to tell your doctor. “I feel funny” works, as does “My tummy and/or eyes hurt”. They also will give you a prostate exam if you ask hard enough. It is illegal in Oregon to pump your gas at a gas station. You must have a gas station attendant run out to your car like its a NASCAR pitstop and then pump your gas. A doctor can also do this if you ask hard enough. Bestiality: legal. Pumping gas: way out of bounds. Smoking a doobie at your Pap test: Condoned by law. Pumping your gas: Please don’t even ask. Backhanding a senile invalid? Better be a doctor. Pumping unleaded gasoline into your Honda Civic? The police have been called and are on their way. Sasquatch have also been sighted in Oregon.
Question #7: “Do conjoined twins count as one or two in a census?”
from ‘Worried’ age 29
Answer #7: In Oregon, conjoined twins are revered as gods.
Question #8: “I am pregnant. How do I tell my parents?”
from Kaitlynn age 14
Answer #8: Easy. Go to a school dance, have baby in a toilet and then go dance the rest of the night away. Get caught by the cops and have your parents see you on the TV and figure it out for themselves.
Question #9: “How do I tell my conservative family that I am a Democrat?” from rittenword@yahoo.com
Answer #9: See answer number 8.
Email us here at Mindflowers, or just add as a comment to this page. Thanks again diligent readers!
Ryan McGivern
Back when I was a well-endowed six year old with few culinary sensibilities, my ideal breakfast was anything with a syrup slather — pine-nut waffles, three-day-old refrigerated McDonalds pancakes, banana splits, oatmeal with chopped bacon, orange juice from concentrate (with a shot of syrup!). And not that hipster-ass maple syrup bullshit, mind you; I wanted my morning meals oozing with two cups of thrice refined sugar per serving.
Are you a student in grades Kindergarten through 12 looking for only the finest public education available? Then consider Cleveland County Schools in beautiful North Carolina.
These are Resolutions that we at Mindflowers propose you make.
I went to the Check Cashing Place this morning and I made the mistake of asking my attendant through the bullet proof glass how she was.
It is 4am and I am sitting on my bedpan wearing only a Spiderman tie and flippers. Something has to change, perhaps even my very concept of what ‘change’ is. I’ve tried everything, from running off with the circus when I was fourteen (the bearded pinhead woman constantly chided of my style of dress, which at the time consisted of Hawaiian shirts and tights) to mincing off my toes in a grain thresher (I got gangrene).
