Violence

Archived Posts from this Category

December 29, 2008

Israel Proudly Pro-Choice

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Ethics, Justice, Love, Philosophy, Politics, Pop Culture, Religion, Violence
[3] Comments 

Israeli officials this week proudly stepped forward and declared the
nation’s unequivocal pro-choice stance.
“This is a big step forward for our nation. We can put petty quibbles aside and just move forward.” Said new Minister of Pro-Choice Parades Levi Tuvarek.

The decision of the Knesset has shocked some and disturbed many of the American Pr0-Israeli Christian Right.
“Deciding against life is totally un-Christlike.” Said Rex Overthal, Portland’s hip young pastor of Rebel Youth for Christ Church. “Pro-choice is like, totally not cool and my posse’s homeboy Jesus is totally bummed by this decision. When will the Jews start asking ‘what would Jesus do’?”

Israel’s Secretary of Pro-Life Sucks Cabinet, Saif Yosef, speaking at Monday’s press conference had this to say: “The ‘right to life’ is a red herring. Choice is a necessary part of democracy. And Israel is a democracy. So, when Palestinians choose to live in Gaza, Israel can likewise choose to take their lives away.”

This week, Condelezza Rice crawled out from her feces filled burrow under a rock and commended Israel’s pro-choice stance: “As a woman, I know how important it is to have choice and freedom over one’s body. And being able to choose to direct American made smart bombs into schools and apartments is not only a sign of a strong democratic society, its pretty fucking cool. You’ve seen those coffee mugs that read ‘Life begins at Forty’? Well I have one that says, ‘Life ends at Gaza’. I got it for my fortieth birthday from Rumsfeld.”

American Christian Extremists with strong support for Israel have distanced themselves from the country which will host their savior’s battle against the evil doers at Armageddon.
Said Elizabeth Toole, a Christian Extremist during a break of homeschooling her eleven children: “Taking life is just wrong. Me and my husband will now have to schedule a pipe bombing of the Israeli consolate along with the Planned Parenthood office this afternoon. Its gonna be a busy week. God give us strength!”

 

Reported by Ryan McGivern

 

December 22, 2008

Guerilla Art: morons.com

Posted by j.j. under Art, Politics, Violence
No Comments 

My friend Cap’tin  improved this Salt Lake City billboard:

For country, for oil

 

December 7, 2008

Why I am so happy to be in the pre-ovulation stage of my menstrual cycle:

Posted by loliz under Diarrhea, Love, Sex, Violence
[2] Comments 

Well, it’s because, probably right now, my roommate, who I am falling is love with, is probably fucking his abusive ex, who makes him in return abusive.

I was fucking him two and then 5 nights ago. He is great in bed. I am also falling in love with him. Damn all those bipolar Aries.

And guess what.? Because I am in the pre-ovulation stage of my menstrual cycle, I really just don’t care. I want her dead and I maybe want to be with him and they are fucking in a close-by room. But, well, I finally don’t care! Rock On!

(true true true - you should’ve been there! with me being and feeling all detached and uninterested.)

I am really not looking for a long term relationship for this two week period of time, ya know.?

 

October 14, 2008

Respect for the Elders

Posted by j.j. under Photography, Violence
[2] Comments 

Dian Agung Nugroho took this photograph on the streets of China. For some reason it reminds me of people that vote Republican. Link

 

August 19, 2008

John Edwards’ Werewolf Woes: “This is the last confession I’ll make this week.”

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Animals, Politics, Pop Culture, Violence
[11] Comments 

Dear America,

Let me just pause for a minute first to say that poverty is a moral challenge and secondly to wipe these entrails off my chin.  As all readers of the National Enquirer already know, and only a few of the most insane and socially outcast conspiracy theorizing vagrants have mused, I am a werewolf.  I know this comes as a surprise considering that I’ve denied being one so many times.  You may be familiar with my well publicized statements such as:
“You must be on drugs! Of course I’m not a shape shifting minion of the moon.”
and
“I’m about as much werewolf as I am directed by Big Oil Lobbyists. So let me put it plainly- I am not in the pocket of Oil, and my skeleton does not undergo drastic morphing under the influence of lunar phases.”

Well, maybe you’re not on drugs after all, but I’m still not influenced by Big Oil.  I know that my actions have hurt many who trusted me.  Believe me, I’ve seen the autopsy reports and I can pretty much guarantee that those who I devoured while a werewolf lost trust and faith in me in their last earthly moments and to them I am sorry.

You know the saying “once bitten twice shy” is only a saying. And a pretty stupid saying at that.  So if I have bitten you in the recent past, I implore you: don’t be shy.  After all, think about my side of the story. I’ve been under a lot of stress and the moon sometimes gets full folks. Sometimes it gets full. Are you going to point fingers at a middle aged guy with a wife that’s packed on some poundage and who has been infected by a werewolf’s bite?

Come on.  Forgive and forget.  Isn’t that what my buddy Barack has been talking about? Let’s let bygones be bygones.  Didn’t we learn our lessons already from Bill Clinton and Remus Lupin?  Didn’t we find a place in our hearts to forgive the lies of a cheating husband who is trying to garner the trust of an already jaded public?  Didn’t we realize that when Remus Lupin tried to attack Harry Potter that he wasn’t in his right mind?
So America, again I reiterate: I feel bad if my biting and clawing at your femoral arteries has caused either your death or your loss of trust in me but for the rest of you who have yet to succumb to my demonic strength and savage thirst for human livers-let’s sweep this whole thing under the rug.

After all, we’ve got to stand united and not be distracted from our common goals of re-taking the White  House, getting laid, and eating human livers.

Thank you. God bless America.  And don’t venture outside after night fall.

John Edwards

 

July 17, 2008

Livery Stables Must Be Stopped!

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Animals, Ethics, Justice, Politics, Violence
No Comments 

If you love animals as much as I do (rabbits, caribou, finches), you’ve got to help me stop
“Livery Stables”.

My research has found the advertisement below written by their owner and as far as I can tell neither PETA nor Animal Solidarity have heard about this ghastly enterprise. Read below and decide for yourself!!

Dearest Loyal Customer/Animal Loving Patriot:

Our most recent foray into the often turbulent but lucrative animal warehousing market has been met with great success.
Our clientele has always expected the very best from our patented Animal Warehousing Technologies,
but Livery Stables has now raised the bar with our new “Program: Excellence” 

Our newest intiative, “Program: Excellence” is in short a miracle of modern Man.
First, we take our customers most beloved animals, pets, livestock, cattle, and/or seeing eye dogs and give them the everlasting empathy, spiritual connection, and non-judgemental love that they truly deserve. We then put them in a small, ammonia laced bleach bath in a wooden keg.
We then write down any feelings that we are sensing from our co-workers or the world-at-large and then place the creature in a cardboard lined slot in our newly spraypainted drywall.
We then give the animal a good washing with an ammonia mister that we have patented
ourselves called the “Mr. Myster”.
We then will test for breeding compatability with our other shelved pets.

Livery Stables is the Industry Leader.

We have a Corporate Motto which says: “Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.”

Lemuel Osmond
Livery Stables

 
Please join MindFlowers in ending this barbaric venture.
Together, we can save a pet’s life.

 

July 1, 2008

World News: Homicidal Chimp At Large After Daring Escape

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Pop Culture, Violence
No Comments 

The MindFlowers editorial staff didn’t (and couldn’t) make this up. Here’s the article from
www.azcentral.com

LOS ANGELES - A 42-year-old chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is believed to be at large in a Southern California forest after escaping his cage.

A weekend search in the San Bernardino National Forest 50 miles east of Los Angeles came up empty.

“I yelled his name out for hours, for hours, with no one else around. Nothing. Not even a hoot,” said LaDonna Davis, who owns Moe with husband St. James Davis.

St. James Davis brought Moe home from Tanzania in 1967 after the baby primate lost his mother to poachers. He and his wife treated Moe as their surrogate son, toilet-training him, teaching him to eat with a knife and fork and letting him sleep in their bed and watch TV.

But local authorities didn’t view Moe in the same light. For years, the Davises waged a legal battle to keep Moe in their home.

They finally lost in 1999 when Moe bit part of a woman’s finger off when she inserted her hand in his cage. The Davises said he mistook her red-painted fingernail for his favorite licorice. The incident also came after Moe mauled a police officer’s hand.

Over the Davises’ protests, Moe was taken to an animal sanctuary. But in 2005, when they took a cake to celebrate Moe’s birthday with him, the couple was viciously attacked by two other chimpanzees who had escaped their cages.

The chimps nearly killed St. James Davis, chewing off his nose, testicles and foot and biting off chunks of his buttocks and legs, before the sanctuary owner shot the animals to death.

“He’s a very personable, sweet, nice chimp,” McCasland said. “He’s not going to be aggressive unless he’s provoked.”

The couple, who have no children, broke down in tears at a press conference in Los Angeles.

“What am I going to do?” sobbed LaDonna Davis.

“He meant the world to us,” said St. James Davis. “He was the best man at my wedding.”

http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/2008/07/01/20080701chimpescape01-odd.html

 

June 11, 2008

Interview: Scott McClellan

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Comedy, Ethics, Politics, Pop Culture, Violence
No Comments 

Our daring MindFlowers reporter JJ spoke with former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan today.
Scott McClellan has recently released a book titled
“I Will Gladly Eat Poop Directly From Your Butthole For Money”.

JJ: Scott, thanks for speaking with us today.
Scott: I can’t answer any questions about the weather, sports, current events, or my favorite movies.
JJ: Well, okay. There goes my whole ‘Back To The Future or Ghostbusters’ line of questioning. Well, what can you talk about?
Scott: How about Arsenic?
JJ: Uh….
Scott: You see, Ms. Flufferbee’s Brand Arsenic is the nation’s BEST arsenic.
JJ: Best in which sense?
Scott: Taste. Color. Smoothness going down. Deliciousness.
JJ: It’s come to my attention just now that arsenic is poison.
Scott: Not true.
JJ: Actually, I just looked it up on Wikipedia, and it says….
Scott: Look. We’ve been through this before. There are ongoing investigations.
JJ: I just fed arsenic to a lab monkey and it died a horrible screeching death.
Scott: I know Ms. Flufferbee personally. I have asked her if her brand of Arsenic is poisonous. I trust everyword that comes from her dry, sore-spattered mouth. Without question.
JJ: Well, Helen Thomas just joined us to ask you a few questions.
Helen Thomas: Arsenic is poison.
Scott: No! Not true! Helen. Helen. No. That’s. That’s simply just…The world is a safer place with Saddam Hussein removed from power.
JJ and Helen Thomas: Huh?

(a letter is handed to Scott McClellan reading:
“Dear Press Puppet,
Sales are slumping! Stock price dropping! You’re fired!
signed, Your God and Master Ms. Flufferbee”)

Scott: …Arsenic is poison.

 

 

You can buy your copy of Scott McClellan’s new book from
www.please-tell-the-thousands-of-dead-Iraqis-I-made-an-oopsie.com

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puppet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lFUohKcZxw
http://www.owlnet.rice.edu/~rar4619/Images/Goebbels.jpg

 

 

April 25, 2008

Hillary’s Open Letter To America

Posted by Ryan McGivern under Ethics, Politics, Pop Culture, Violence
1 Comment 

Listen up dickheads: I only ‘puppet master’ those who have strings hangin’ out their ass.
I’m sick n’ tired of hearing “Hillary is ruining the Democratic party” pissin’ and moanin’.
Seems that there’s plenty Democrats that are still are lovin’ my sh*t kickin’ ‘tude, if you ask me.

My celly was blowin’ up with all kindsa hate this past week when I said that we could obliterate Iran.
Let’s take this one step at a time:
Can we NOT obliterate Iran? Did we somehow listen to Dennis “Peacenik” Kucinich in the last two weeks
without my knowing it and get rid of all our pretty little nukes? No? Oh, I thought so.
So it seems that I was factually right in that statement.
Would I rather have a campaign run on solid threats we can keep, or a campaign of nebulus promises of hope that may or may not be fulfillable? Lemme think about that for a second.

Some folks got in my grillpiece sayin’ “Isn’t that harsh?…Cold War rhetoric?….Playin’ to fears…Nihilistic?..”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Look dickheads. I’m a Razorback ok? I know how to fight and win. You think I’m gonna talk about annhilating an entire culture in an instant composed of innocent civilians based on an unfounded hypothetical conjecture if I didn’t absolutely know that it would HELP my campaign?
The Kinks (as much as I hate the British) once said, “Give the people what they want.”

As long as y’all want to imagine the U.S. sitting on top of a fetid heap of death and vaporized human remains, I’m gonna keep hittin’ that sweet spot, honey.

People have suggested that “Ol’ What’s His Name” the “Also Ran” (who may or may not be Muslim. One never can be sure.) drop out instead of me. I agree. I think that’s a pretty good idea.
But neither of us will and that just kills you don’t it, liberal America? It just gnaws at your bleeding
hearts, I know it. Why? Because it exposed the Democrats as being just as shrewd, petty, power hungry, and idiotic as the Republicans? Or is it that we’re also playing into the trap of being backbiting, highly schismatic, unorganized, dogs chasing our own tails?
Well, whoop de dooo. You figured it out.
Guess what else: fuck you!
You still only have a choice between ‘Blue’ and ‘Red’, suckas.
And whether I win or lose Barack Hussein Obama or Kindly Old Bigot, I win.

So, vote for me, Hillary. Together we can obliterate.

www.hillaryclinton.com
www.nukeiran.com

 

April 10, 2008

True Stories: Blue Ovaries, Grrrrrrrwl

Posted by j.j. under Activities, Adventure, Justice, Magic, Play, Religion, Sperm, Violence
No Comments 

Weeks ago, on a Sunday, a few friends and I wandered in the forest to spend a day basking in a sulfuric hot springs near Vancouver, CA. As you might imagine, the pleasant smell of the sulfur-laced water was reminiscent of that dream everyone has of wading through a plethoric concentration of rotten eggs, but somehow it was a pleasant experience for me. The natural warmth of mother nature contrasted sensually with her chilled air, and the putrid smells eventually became us because — as is well documented by Cambridge ass-tro-physicists — our own shit don’t stink.

Soon after we arrived a second group joined us consisting of five folks coming from a Renaissance Fair, folks who reminded me of the 80’s video game Golden Axe. They quickly and obnoxiously asserted an uncomfortable social domination over our group, spicing our conversation with shouts of non-politically-correct vulgarity. They got naked (as were most of us), drunk (a cold beer in a hot spring is delightful idea!) and overly-stoned, and then they began literally overly-stoning each other, throwing rocks at each others’ faces and ignoring us, the innocent bystanders. There was one female included in their coterie and it became apparent that an orgy would occur the moment we left. Our presence was a cockblock.

At dusk they brought out a box of 200 glow sticks which lit up the water like a radioactive lightning bug factory. The rock war turned into a glow stick war. “With the rockets green glare, the bongs bursting with THC fortified air, gave proof through the night that empty beer cans were bound to be left there.”

We made our exit as darkness made its entrance, to permit our companions privacy to relieve their blue balls (and the female equivalent) and because there seemed no time limit to their violent ballistic battles. The drunker they got and the darker it got were Oxy clear factors in rapidly declining aim. Oh yeah, and two of their guys were already making out French style.

Most of my group was dissatisfied with the day’s happenings but I was fascinated with this display of raw, timeless human nature. We are all animals, dude. Hear me roar.

By the way, what do you think of “Blue Ovaries” as the name for my autobiography?

All Spice and Periwinkle,
j.j.

 

Next Page »