Let's have a mind and raise flowers.

A Bedtime Story for Cool Kids and the Tired Adults Who Read to Them: Crooked Bill

Ryan McGivern — Mon, 13 May 2013 21:07:54 +0000

This is a story. A story about Crooked Bill.
If, as the story goes along, you find yourself uninterested by it you are welcome to change the names of the characters and the actions they undertake until you find it more pleasing.
That’s a little trick that you can use the next time some one begins to tell you “how their day was.” The minute you begin to feel bored just replace “Me and Tim” with “A Dragon and a Robot” and replace “went to eat tacos” with “went to Jupiter to investigate a newly discovered species of penguin.”
But back to Crooked Bill.
It’s a story that’s never been heard before and I know that for certain because it’s never been told before so if it seems familiar it may just be that you had the same dream that I did which inspired the story. But don’t worry! Although you and I may have shared the same dream we may have awoke at different times during the dream so your ‘ending’ might be different than mine.
So anyway, The Story of Crooked Bill.
Are you getting tired yet? It looks like it. Did I just see you yawn? Hmmm.
Can you yawn? How big can you yawn? Wow. That was a big yawn. It was such a great yawn in fact I’m about to yawn myself! Yaaaaaawwwwnn! Whew. That felt good.
Crooked Bill got mistaken for Ethan Hawke a lot. It wasn’t so much that they looked alike as it was that they shared the same smile. Or I should say, “type of smile.”
It would be very troublesome for someone to have to come over to your house, knock on the door, and say “Sorry to bother you, but I just heard a great joke and need to smile. May I borrow yours?” “Well, certainly you may borrow it. But I will need it back tomorrow morning because I plan on looking at the birds.”
And the story of Crooked Bill gets mistaken for a lot of other stories.
Some think it is about a Toucan (because toucans are birds with big crooked bills, you see). Some think it is about an Albatross who lived in the Land Of Black Hole Potholes where time fluctuated like a roller coaster and the days were as crooked as the day is long.
But, no! This is the Story of Crooked Bill and Bill was a Chickadee.
When he was little, he was very little. He was little even compared to other Chickadees and was so small that he was about the size of a Bumblebee.
Buzzz! Buzz!
In fact some of the other Chickadees were not very nice and would say that Bill was more a Chicka-Bee than a Chickadee. Bill didn’t like it when others said unkind things and he would feel sad when they teased him.
Then Bill met Hush.
Hush was a Scarecrow who was very nice. He had a very pleasant smile painted on his face and although he never said a single word, he always had his arms opened wide to give the whole corn field a big hug.
Bill told Hush about all his favorite things.
What are some of your favorite things?
Every person has different favorite things and Chickadees are no different.
Bill’s favorite things were: seeds, insects, and berries.
As the summers and winters went by, Bill wondered where all the Autumns and Springs had gone to, but he realized that time had a way of slipping away like that and soon enough even his Tuesdays and Afternoons in general disappeared.
He matured, grew, learned, failed, tried again, became stronger, made mistakes, got teased more, became wiser, made bad decisions, made new goals, and on and on.
He tried ballet dancing, painting, biochemistry, palm-reading, farming, piloting, shoe repair, hair styling, and rodeo clowning until he finally he found himself playing guitar at a coffee shop.
And then, one Wednesday (which had crept up on him–golly his weeks seemed to zip right by) he discovered the blues.
Blues music is a type of music that even though it sounds like someone’s heart is breaking you feel better by the end of the song.
Bill traveled the countryside playing blues on his guitar and came up with the name Crooked Bill to perform under.
He chose Crooked Bill because of the winding path he took in life before he discovered the blues.
He became very famous in Topeka and Omaha and almost famous in Oklahoma City.
Crooked Bill loved to hear the sound of the audience’s applause.
“Yay! Crooked Bill! Go go go!” “We love Crooked Bill!” “Yippee! Hip hip hooray!”
The audiences would say.
And Bill became older, as all Chickadees do as time goes by and the people who came to see his concerts became older, quieter, and fewer.
One night after a show, Bill got on the last train out of town.
“Choo! Choo!” Said the train as it closed it’s doors.
“Chugga Chugga” It said as it started slowly down the tracks.
The next day Bill hopped off the train and walked down a quiet old highway past the crossroads. There he stopped and pulled his guitar from its case and began singin’
and a strummin’:
“Don’t need me no money
Sure don’t pay no rent
Cuz underneath stars honey
Is where I lay head.
Don’t need me no money
Got nuthin’ to call my own
Cuz underneath stars honey
A bird can feel at home.”

The corn stalks clapped against each other in the wind
and Hush had a big ol’ smile.

Anywho, that’s how my dream about Bill ended.

Iron Man 3: How it could have been better and other thoughts

Ryan McGivern — Fri, 10 May 2013 02:26:52 +0000

Iron Man 3 is a fine film. I got a kick out of it and so did the group of comics fans sitting behind me in the theater. (It’s always fun to see a Marvel movie with other comics folks around.)
Here’s some ideas on the movie including how it could have been even a better movie.

1. Don’t start a movie with the Eiffel 65 song “Blue” for any reason. This will definitely be included in YouTube’s CinemaSins video.
2. ….But this song is part of a larger problem: it is included in the “1999 Preface” scenes.
This whole section is unneeded but more on that later. So “Blue” was chosen to ‘set the mood’ of late 1999. Uh. I get it but isn’t “Blue” the one song of 1999 that everyone would rather forget? There are many better choices of song from 1999!
How about
“Scar Tissue” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers,
“Hard Knock Life” by Jay Z,
“Last Kiss” by Pearl Jam,
or maybe
“Miami” by Will Smith!
You might not want to include the chorus, because the movie later uses Miami as a backdrop but it could be a nice choice to use just a verse.

3. But again: this is all pretty moot because the whole intro 1999 Preface is unhelpful to the film. It is slow, it adds little new or surprising information about Tony. When we see Happy, I thought “Hmmm. Jon Favreau is wearing a costume to add weight as though he was heavier in 1999. Nope. That’s just him, as we see when we come to current day.

4. We need some consistency about Tony’s alcoholism. We see him drinking alone in his wine cellar, and later he refuses beer from Trevor Slattery. No one every makes reference to Tony’s drinking nor does the film seem to acknowledge it in any way. Even the scene where Tony goes to the honky tonk bar and speaks with the drunken grieving mother there isn’t a glimpse of Tony judging or reacting to her appearance nor does the camera work seem to acknowledge it.

5. Happy’s relationship to everyone is hampered by his one-note characterization as an “overly protective goof ball with inflated sense of importance.” Hey! Happy has been in all the movies and he is gravely injured in this film. We would care about it a little more if someone ever gave him some dignity before the bomb went off. He actually does some ‘detective work’ by following a lead and placing himself at risk to get to the bottom of a hunch. That’s cool. But we need to see him in a positive light before this. If Pepper or Tony saw him as ‘cool’ or the script gave him something other than goof balling around we would have.

6. There are two instances of the gag “Cliche is said and it is revealed that its meaning is not understood.” Sheesh. In the initial voiceover from Tony he says “We create our own demons” and then backs away from it and basically says he doesn’t understand it and it has no meaning. Then, Killian says to Pepper something like “We see victory through the fog of failure.” and she says “What does that mean?” and he basically shrugs.
Uh. How smart are our heroes? Why use a cliche if only to expose that cliches are stupid–and then have your main characters be too stupid to get them anyway?
Waste not want not! Wait. Is that pertinent here?

7. Why do Tony and Rhodie hang out at what looks to be a Chilis or a TGIFridays?

8. Why is Pepper with Tony? This question is not handled too well. We get that Pepper has motivated Tony to choose monogamy and ‘settle down’ a bit and she has given him motivation to be a hero (more on that….). But why does this very smart, powerful, beautiful woman love Tony? She are shown that perhaps they have a lot of physical attraction but that is about it. Instead of showing us examples of their relationship, they are separated for much of the movie and they are simply shown
a) arguing
b) post coital sleeping
c) witty bantering

9. And Tony is her ‘hero.’ She takes the role of Princess Peach for the last act of the film (ugh) and Tony tells her that “after New York” he feels a lot of pressure to “protect her.” Tony is a knuckle head so we can understand that he needs to feel that he gets his identity as his girlfriend’s “strong protector.” Uhhh…But!

10. I love that Pepper steps up and is awesome. She dons the suit well, and when she’s Extremis powered she saves Tony. I love that. (I’ll not get into the issue of Pepper stepping into heroism through violence here but that’s a good discussion to have.)

11. We’re given a Christmas themed movie in May. Why? Was the release date screwed up a bit or was the Marvel studio thinking about DVD/Netflix/Redbox release dates? Which brings me to….

12. The “Christmas Carol” theme. It begins in fact on New Years, but it is a “past flashback” sequence. We have the fireworks bookending at the end also (the blowing up suits). Tony has his Scrooge-like awakening of heart (the suit was a cocoon!) and he is a changed man. He even has his heart literally repaired. Go buy the biggest Christmas goose! Tony even tells the kids in the restaurant they look like they’re from A Christmas Carol. This is a cool repurposing of a classic ‘myth.’

13. The whole “Tony does detective work in Tennessee” is useless. He goes to investigate a lead from the Happy bombing. But then he is given the coordinates of the Mandarin’s suspected whereabouts in Miami. These scenes in Tennessee give good “Tony time.” It’s the ‘breakdown’ of the hero. He’s been defeated, he needs to regroup, and is befriended by a child who allows him to see himself in a new light. All this could still be achieved without this phony “I’m doing detective work!” stuff.

14. There is a big missed chance at the end of the film. The Tennessee Kid walks into his garage and finds that Tony has gifted him a bunch of expensive name brand gadgets. He’s even left a note! Uh. Wait. The Kid already has been left by a father and isn’t this just a little bit like an absent father trying to buy their redemption with a kid?
I suggest that it could be shown that the kid and his mom are sitting around in a renovated garage video chatting with Tony who then introduces Pepper to “his friend.” This way we see that Tony is continuing a relationship, and Pepper and he can be a type of extended family with the Kid all under the supervision of the Kid’s mom. It would have been a five second shot and it would have shown us more of a changed Tony and been more meaningful.

So: In closing my favorite line of the film was one that seems easy to miss.
It’s when the Kid says “I’m cold” and Tony says “I know. How’d I know that? Because we’re connected.”
This sums up the movie’s themes pretty well. We see Tony communicating with his near symbiotic suit through the film and yet he is often disconnected from those people around him–especially Pepper. But it is empathy and compassion that are the most powerful assets that we can have. As cool as it might be to communicate with gadgets and technologies and A.I., without human empathy we’re lost.

By the way, despite the weakness of this film I did like it. Especially the falling out of the airplane rescue.

Excellent to-the-point essay on the Christmas Carol theme from Forrest Wickman:

http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2013/05/03/how_iron_man_3_draws_from_charles_dickens_a_christmas_carol.html

A Bedtime Story for Cool Kids and The Tired Adults Who Read To Them: Ted and Tic Toc The Cookoo Kazooist

Ryan McGivern — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 02:59:06 +0000

To find a Cookoo Clock bird you don’t look in a zoo
They live in clocks and can sing and only one could play kazoo too.
His name was Tic Toc the Cookoo Clock Cookoo Kazooist
And his name was on every year’s Top Ten Kazoo list.
Music hop scotched moonbeams from the parlor to the stairs.
Everything hopped in the rhythm that was traveling through the air.
It was a twelve o’clock kazoo-ing to say hello to the pale blue moon.
And Tic Toc the Cookoo Kazooist played to an empty room.
The ears of the Cookoo were hot, red and ouchy
Because the Clock Chicken Ted had yelled and been grouchy.

“My goodness,” thought Tic Toc, “When Ted yells and is grouchy, it really hurts my ears.”
Aside from every Cookoo clock having a Cookoo Bird, they also have a Cookoo Clock Chicken.
Cookoo Clock Chickens are typically very soft and fluffy.
They live in a cozy little apartment below the Cookoo’s nest and it is their job to tell the Cookoo when to sing.
(Or in the case of Tic Toc when to play his kazoo.)
Every hour, Ted came up from his room and stood next to Tic Toc’s nest and said: “Three, Two, One, Blast Off!”
And that was the signal for Tic Toc to burst from the clock and play his kazoo. A
nd everything had been just fine until last week when Ted started getting grouchy
and instead of saying “Three, Two, One, Blast Off!” in a nice tone of voice, Ted started saying it really loud and grouchy.

So one morning, Ted looked at his watch and saw that it was eight fifty seven, time for Ted to go upstairs and say “Three, Two, One, Blast Off!” to Tic Toc.

Ted got up from his big brown comfy couch and walked slowly up the stairs, grumbling all the way up.
“Grumble Grumble Harrumpf.” He said.
Ted stood next to Tic Toc’s nest and looked at his watch it was eight fifty nine and he counted down inside his head until finally: “Three, Two, One, Blast Off!” And nothing happened.
Where was Tic Toc The Cookoo Kazooist?
It was Nine O’Clock and he wasn’t here to mark the hour! Gulp!
Well, Tic Toc the Cookoo Kazooist was walking across the clock to find a nicer place to play Kazoo where he wouldn’t hear yelling grouchy voices.
He strolled along gears and stepped along sprockets
He had nothing but a kazoo and two empty pockets.
He played as he went a happy little tune
But without him marking time, he threw off the moon!
Time was all a jumble without his Cookoo Kazooing
And minutes stopped and started and time trouble started brewing!

And Tic Toc met a minute (small) Clock Monkey sitting on some gears. The Monkey was very wise and listened to Tic Toc’s trouble. “So this Ted Clock Chicken has burst your bubble, with his loud outside voice and his grouchy grumble grumble.” Hmmm. Monkey saw this was a very difficult situation. He stroked at his long white beard. “I’ve got an idea.”
Ideas are like friends–they’re good to have. And ideas that include friends to help each other are the best kind of ideas!

The next day Ted The Cookoo Clock Chicken woke up to find that he was a Cookoo! He was in the clock’s Cookoo nest!
He looked in the mirror and saw that he had been transformed during the night! Wow!
And he looked at his watch and saw that it was Ten Fifty Seven!
Suddenly there appeared a Cookoo Clock Chicken by his nest!
Ted thought to himself that he hoped the Cookoo Clock Chicken would be nice to him and use a friendly tone of voice.
And then, the Cookoo Clock Chicken looked at his watch and it was time to say the signal.
Do you remember what the signal was?–How the Cookoo Clock Chicken counts down?
“Three, Two, One, Blast Off!”
He said that alright, but he said it with love and friendliness in his voice–full of positivity and kindness. Just like this:
“Three, Two, One, Blast Off!”

And Ted jumped out from the clock and Cookoo-ed a loud Chickenlike Cookoo. (And he did very well indeed for his first try.)

When he came back in, there was Tic Toc was there getting out of a chicken costume!
And Clock Monkey was there too!

Clock Monkey explained that they had dressed Ted in a Cookoo costume during the night!
Ted said that he was surprised to find that he was a Cookoo when he woke up but that it was
very nice that Tic Toc used a friendly tone of voice when he said
“Three, Two, One Blast Off!”

“I feel ouchy when your voice gets grouchy.” Said Tic Toc. “I like friendly voice.”
“I’m sorry I used a grouchy voice.” Said Ted.

And Ted and Tic Toc hugged and danced and said how nice it was to have time together as friends.
And time started running smoothly again.

A Dredd-ful movie: How Dredd Could Have Been A Better Movie

Ryan McGivern — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 02:44:19 +0000

Preamble: I know, I know. What’s the point in re-hashing a bad movie and figuring out how it could have been better? Because I love movies so much, I like to consider not just why I don’t like a movie but how it could have been better. So here goes:

1. Voice Over Info Dump: Do we need to know the information given about this ‘Mega City?’ If you’re thinking about doing a Voice Over Info Dump ask: couldn’t we reveal the information easily through action later? And if not, is it necessary information to better reveal our characters?

2. The Morning ‘Suit Up’ scene and Chase Scene in the very beginning are unexciting and gives us no real information about Dredd. If you wanted to spruce up these two scenes, why not include something interesting about Dredd’s apartment? Something that shows us who he is ‘off duty.’ And in the chase scene, we’re given the first dose of our ‘Slo Mo’ drug camera effect. This is unnecessary because we’ll see it plenty of times later. We learn nothing about Dredd’s approach to what he does.

3. We are unsure if Judges are even human. It would have helped to show early on how other Judges behave–if Dredd is different in any way. When Dredd is at the Police Station and sees the Psychic Recruit Cassandra Anderson we do see him interact with the officer, but is she a ‘Judge?’ Are we to think that Judges are cyborgs without personalities, affect, cares, goals?

4. When Dredd and Anderson enter the Peach Trees why is the Medic on duty telling them information on Ma Ma? This de-powers the Judges and misses the chance to have Anderson show that as a ‘newbie’ she’s studied up on the current ‘word on the street.’ But no, we’re denied a character building opportunity.

5. The Medic says Ma Ma “feminized a guy with her teeth.” Would anyone say that? Do they expect that the audience wouldn’t know what ‘castrated’ or ‘emasculated’ meant?

6. Urban was allowed to, or maybe even told to frown the entire movie? It makes his mouth look like a sad fish. The ‘Dredd Scowl’ of the comics does not translate to a real face. And why does Urban walk like the Terminator? This movie aches for energy and no one is given the chance.

7. When Dredd and Anderson find the skinned bodies that had fallen in the courtyard they pile up postulation after postulation: Uh, they lived on the 39th Level so they were thrown off the 39th Level. And it was a ‘turf war’ and the people who did it are still on the 39th Level. Uh. That was easy to figure out.

8. Anderson’s proposed plan of how to proceed: “Find ‘em and hit ‘em hard.” Great plan. Uh, how does this distinguish her from Dredd? Or from any other Judge? We are given no character in either of our ‘main heroes.’

9. Anderson says she won’t wear her helmet “because it disrupts [her] psychic abilities.” I see. Well how about she USE her psychic abilities?! Maybe she could ‘look into the room’ before they enter or she could ‘feel’ where the perpetrators are. Nope.

10. This also brings me to a missed opportunity: What are the benefits of Anderson’s Pychic Powers versus someone on the drug Slo Mo? Or what about Dredd’s helmet? We had the option of showing how Technology, ‘Magic’, and Drugs That Slow Time would stack up against each other in a gun fight.

11. On The Good Side: In the Computer Room where the Robot Eye Guy is, they are playing the theme song to “The Snuff Box.” The main line you’ll hear is: “You thought it was gold but it was bronze!” This is a very funny choice because the show “Snuff Box” is about two men who are employed as Executioners. Ha! We get a glimpse that the creators wanted to have fun, but unfortunately we don’t get a lot of fun. Even when they come back to the Computer Room, the same song is playing! Couldn’t they have thought up another fun tongue in cheek song to play?

12. Lena Headey’s portrayal of Ma-Ma (the drug kingpin) lacks creativity and energy. I was quite surprised to find out that Ma-Ma was played by Headey because I have found her acting in Game of Thrones to be good (albeit low energy and affect). The character of Ma-Ma is a very uninteresting character–what drives her? What distinguishes her from anyone else? I feel that there are actors and actresses who feel that to play a ‘drug addict’ you must be vapid, low energy, and dreamy. This is a strange view I feel because most of the drug-addicted people I’ve met are very interesting, engaging, high energy, and creative.

13. This really feels like a very bad rip off of Raid: Redemption (which is an excellent action film by the way).

14. People usually don’t run into clouds of toxic yellow gas. Maybe the action director could have figured out how to show that the gas exploded around the bad guys and they didn’t have a choice about breathing . Oh well. This is a small consideration in a movie that fails at every other scene.

15. “Concentrate the fire!” Ma-Ma screams over the sound of three mini-guns. Right. By the way movie writers: an audience will always appreciate creativity and ingenuity in a villain more than pure brute ‘power.’ An audience wants to be surprised and challenged by the minds of ‘bigger than life’ characters, not simply see people who have access to big guns shoot them into concrete walls.

16. Dredd and Anderson jump out of a hole in the wall and it just so happens to open onto a skate board patio. We are shown the exterior of the building immediately after and we see that most exterior walls open to a vast vertical drop–it was lucky that they didn’t fall to their deaths in the middle of the movie I guess!

17. The only evidence we have that the writers acknowledge Dredd’s function as a critique of ‘patriotism’ (his character always has been about anti-establishment sentiment) is when he is standing in front of a stylized US flag and is saying “sound like overkill to you?” Its heavy handed but its good to see some effort from the writers.

18. This film devolves into a “Princess in the Tower” story.

19. When Dredd is talking to the Double Cross Judge in the hall, why does the Bad Guy lift his Comm Link arm to call his Bad Buddies rather than his gun? If he had, he would have been able to shoot Dredd!

20. When the Double Cross Judge Woman says she’s going to go after Anderson she says….get ready for it….:
“I see her, I shoot her. She sees me, she hesitates, I shoot her.”
Thank you.

21. The dialogue continues to impress. A Double Cross Judge says to Dredd:
“This city is a meat grinder. People go in one end, meat comes out the other.”
Oh. Okay.
“We just turn the handle.”
Oh. Okay. How does a meat grinder work again?

22. Dredd confronts Ma-Ma in a top-floor ‘Throne Room’ type set that looks a bit like a dingy stage from a high school production. And the big plan that Ma-Ma has in store? She makes a signal and a crowd of her body guards jump out into the open to get gunned down. Okay. Are the writers as smart as Ma-Ma or did they just write her to be as wooden as Dredd? Or did they run out of money to do a good scene?

23. This will take some explaining.
Ma-Ma’s wrist bomb will only blow up if her heart stops.
Therefore there is no risk of the bomb blowing up unless Ma-Ma shoots herself or throws herself off a balcony.
Dredd’s workday is basically over. Good job Dredd.
Well, he shoots her for no reason. Not critically, though and it looks like she’ll survive. Whew.
And waitaminute! How did he shoot her in the Throne Room and in the next shot she’s now in a bedroom lying on a bed?
Well, Dredd then decides to throw her off a balcony. Sure there is a risk that her wrist bomb will still be able to signal the explosives from the ground floor, but why not risk it?

24. Dredd probably thought he was cool when he gave Ma-Ma Slo Mo before throwing her off the balcony. Its too bad that Dredd didn’t know that we’ve seen that already happen in like the first ten minutes of the movie so he was actually not that creative at all. Poor Dredd.

25. Why does Lena Headey (Ma-Ma) decide to not show any emotion at all as she falls to her Slo Mo death? This is the biggest cop-out of the movie: put some decision into it! The writers, the director, the actress all some how allowed the main villain to have a death scene with zero affect? Not ecstasy, fear, anger, wonder?

So. To summarize, Dredd is a pretty bad movie and I am interested to hear any reasons why folks feel it is a good one.

A Bedtime Story for Cool Kids and The Tired Adults Who Read To Them: Birdy Chirp Chirp and the Quiet Morning

Ryan McGivern — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 21:28:58 +0000

There once was a morning that was very quiet. The big bright sun was shining and the flowers were dancing with the butterflies but the birdy birds were not chirping. The birds weren’t singing, tweeting, warbling, cawing, hooting, screeching, clucking, or even cock a doodle dooing.
It was very quiet and very still.
Birdy Chirp Chirp was sitting in her nest, knitting a cozy wool sweater for her friend Oscar the Ostrich when she heard something: nothing!
“Why it is so quiet and I can’t even hear myself think!” Birdy Chirp Chirp whispered to herself.
She opened up her window and craned her neck out to see that the morning looked very normal but it sounded very unusual. It was unusually quiet.
There wasn’t even the sound of the baby chickens saying ‘peep peep’ or the snoring of the Barn Owl who had just gone to sleep.
Birdy Chirp Chirp put on her traveling hat and her walking boots and set out to see what the source of all the silence was.
She looked for bird songs everywhere: the zoo, the museum, the playground, the elementary school, the beach, everywhere! She didn’t hear a single bird singing.
Birdy Chirp Chirp sat down and began to think.
“If I cannot hear any birds singing maybe it is because my ears cannot hear bird songs today.” She said to herself.
“I shall try an experiment! I will sing a bird song and see if I can hear it.” And she sang ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ and Birdy Chirp Chirp could hear it!
“Well,” She said. “If I can hear myself, it might stand to reason that I would hear other birds singing–if they were singing. I shall conduct a survey! I will ask birds if they are singing and collect their answers!”
And she did so and when she was done she looked at her results: and she found that no birds were singing!
“Well, I shall conduct another survey to find out why they are not singing! And it probably would have saved me time to ask this the first time around!” So she flew around the world again and asked every bird why they were not singing.
Every bird that she talked to, the emus, the penguins, the parrots, the buzzards, the chickadees, the turkeys, everyone said the same thing: “What difference does it make? I’m just one little bird. What does it matter what I do or don’t do? Grump!”
It seemed that all the birds in the world had got a case of the Grumps. The Grumps come and go and are quite common and natural but never before had all the birds in the world got the Grumps at once!
Birdy Chirp Chirp spoke with her good friend Crow. Crow as usual had an idea:
“We could tell a joke and get all the birds laughing!”
And Crow flew around the world telling jokes. It helped a bit, and some birds whistled and chirped but again everything went quiet.
Then Birdy Chirp Chirp spoke with her friend Eagle and Eagle as usual had an idea:
“We could give every bird a trophy for each time they sang!”
And Eagle went around the world and gave trophies to the birds who would sing.
And it helped a bit and some birds sang very loud to get Eagle’s trophies but soon enough everything went quiet again.
Then Birdy Chirp Chirp, Crow, and Eagle went to the very wise Miss Cluck Edie Cluck Ba-Kaw, the smartest Chicken they knew.
“Hello Birdy Chirp Chirp, Crow, and Eagle!” She said and gave them all big hugs. Her feathers were warm and a little tickley.
“All the birds of the world have got a case of the Grumps, Miss Cluck Edie Cluck Ba-Kaw, and we can’t figure out how to get those birds all singing again!” Birdy said.
“Well, Grumps are normal and natural but never have I heard of all the birds in the world getting Grumps at once! Hmmm.” Miss Cluck Edie Cluck Ba-Kaw said then thought quietly.
“Birdy,” She finally said, “I know that you sing very well and you also like to knit sweaters quietly. And Crow can caw very loudly and crow can collect shiny things very quietly. And I know Eagle can screech nicely and Eagle can also soar quietly on the wind. Loud or quiet, every bird is unique. Nobody can be a bird just like you Birdy Chirp Chirp.” Said Miss Cluck Edie Cluck Ba-Kaw.
And Birdy Chirp Chirp understood and started to sing and dance in her own special way–like no other bird could. And Crow understood and started to hop in her own special way–like no other bird could.
And Eagle understood and soared in her own special way–like no other bird could.
And soon the other birds saw how much fun they were having being themselves that they began to understand.
“I’m not just any ol’ bird, I’m an ostrich and I like math!” Said Oscar the Ostrich.
“I’m not just any ol’ bird, I’m a pelican and I like to roller skate!” Said Mike the Pelican.
The next morning, when Birdy Chirp Chirp awoke, the big bright sun was shining and the flowers were dancing with the butterflies and the birds of the world were busy being themselves: Each one being a bird like no other bird could.
And Birdy knit a sweater. It was a very nice morning. It was a very birdy morning.

A Bedtime Story for Awesome Kids and the Tired Adults Who Read To Them: The Tailor and The Star Friend

Ryan McGivern — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 01:25:52 +0000

There once was a tailor.
He was a tiny tailor who lived in a small room in the attic of a bee barn. His name was Tootoot LePetite, and he specialized in making sweaters for the honey bees that lived below him. Every night the Bee Keeper would say goodnight to the bees and then bring Tootoot a cup of sleeping tea with a spoon of honey in it.
“Buzzzzz Buzzzzz!” The thousands of bees would say in unison to Tootoot before they fell asleep.
“Goodnight Honey Bees!” Tootoot would say and then he would hear them begin to snore:
“Snnnnooore….Buzzzz….Snnnoorrre……Buzzzz.”
And then it would be Tootoot’s favorite time of day. He would sip on his sleepy tea with a touch of honey in it and look out his window at his tiny town. He would see the gentle grey smoke reaching up from chimneys and candles being lit inside the cottages. He could see the people saying goodnight to friends on the sidewalks and hear the lullabies being sung to good little children being tucked into bed.
Then the very best part: Tootoot would look up into the sky and say:
“Goodnight my friend!”
And his friend the Star Friend would twinkle back.
“Twinkle Twinkle!”
Tootoot had to look carefully for his Star Friend because every night he would appear somewhere new in the night sky. One night Star Friend would hide by the Big Dipper, then the next by Leo, then Orion, Libra next, and so on with a new hiding place each night but Tootoot always found him.
“Twinkle Twinkle.” He would always say.

One day when Tootoot was handing out sweaters to the Honey Bees the Bee Keeper came into the Bee Barn and told Tootoot that she and the Honey Bees were moving to to a new town.
“There is a new field of clovers over the hill and we’re going to buzz on over there. Thank you for keeping the Honey Bees so warm all these years Tootoot. The Honey Bees wanted to give you a gift before they go.”
And at once all the Honey Bees flew up and landed all over Tootoot and tickled him with their tiny little hands.
Tootoot sang:
“Ha ha ha and hee hee hee
I’ve been tickled by a barn full of bees!
They make me laugh from my head to my feet
their tiny tickles are honey sweet.
Ha ha ha and hee hee hee
I’ve been tickled by a barn full of bees!”
Then the Bees all gave one big flutter of their wings and lifted together and Tootoot felt his
feet leave the ground and soon the Honey Bees swung him to and fro near the ceiling.
Tootoot was flying!
They set him safely back on the ground and then zipped away out the barn and over the hill.
Tootoot waved until the very last Bee went out of sight.
That night Tootoot looked out his window drinking his sleepy tea without any honey.
He looked up to the sky and said “Goodnight Star Friend!”
Suddenly instead of a twinkle he saw the Star Friend zip down out of the sky like a falling star down down down towards the dark fields.
“Oh no!” said Tootoot. Tootoot gathered up all of his needles and all this thread and put on his traveling coat and headed towards the dark fields where he saw Star Friend fall.
Tootoot traveled many long days and many dark and cold nights. Everyone he met said that they hadn’t seen any stars fall to the ground so Tootoot kept walking.
One day he met a tiny spider named Ocho hanging from some Spanish Moss.
“Have you seen a star fall to the ground?” Asked Tootoot.
“No, I have not. Lo siento. (Which is how Spanish Spiders say ‘I am sorry.’) But I may have just not seen it. You see, my eyes are often filled with tears because I am so sad and I might have mistaken a falling star for just another tear drop.”
“Why are you so sad Ocho?” Asked Tootoot.
“Because all the other spiders tease me. They tease me because I don’t make webs. I don’t like to make webs. I like to count. I like to count the numbers one through eight over and over.”
“I see. Well, if you’d like to help me look for Star Friend you’re welcome to join me.” Said Tootoot.
“Si, si!” Said Ocho (which is the way some Spanish Spiders say ‘yes’).
So the two set off together, with Ocho riding on Tootoot’s shoulder and Ocho would count each step Tootoot took until he reached eight and then he would start over again.
At the end of each day, Tootoot would ask Ocho how far they had gone.
“Well I counted to 8 224 times today.”
And then Ocho would tell Tootoot a bedtime story and they would say goodnight.

One day as they walked along, they met a Firefly sitting on a Volkswagen Beetle named
Heinrich.
“Have you seen a star fall to the ground?” Tootoot asked.
“Nein (Which is how German Fireflies say no).” He said. “But that doesn’t mean one didn’t. For you see, I am often so angry that I shoot sparks out of my tushy and I may have mistaken a falling star for just another of my tushy sparks.”
“Why are you so angry Heinrich?” Tootoot asked.
“Because all the other fireflies tease me because I don’t like to light up at night. I like to describe every thing I see using only the color blue.” Heinrich said.
“Well, if you would like to help us look for Star Friend you’re welcome to join us.”
“Ja ja!” Said Heinrich (Which is how German Fireflies say yes)

So they walked on and on and each day Heinrich would ride on Tootoot’s shoulder and would describe the scenery:
“That tree over there is a rich blue green and the sky is a wispy azure and the fence is a light Alice Blue and the reeds by the river are a bold Prussian Blue.” and so on like that.
At the end of the day Ocho would add up how far they went.
“Today I counted to 8 397 times.”
And they would tell each other stories at bedtime and fall asleep.

One day they met an old turtle sitting by a pond named Turtle Monk.
“Have you seen a star fall to the ground?” Asked Tootoot.
“I did not see it fall, but I saw where it landed.” Turtle Monk said.
Tootoot, Ocho, and Heinrich gasped: “Where!?”
“Right there in your eyes!” And Turtle Monk pointed at their tiny little eyes.
They bent down and looked in the pond and yes! They could see in each of their eyes there was a Twinkle! They had been looking for so long and the Star Friend had been twinkling right in their eyes the whole time!
They laughed and hugged each other.
Together they moved to the Big City Ant Hill where Tootoot would make sweaters for all the ants and Ocho would count Tootoot’s stitches up to eight over and over and Heinrich would describe the sun to the little ants who were to young to play outside: “It is a big round ball of bright Periwinkle” he would say.
And each night Tootoot would sing to them this lullabye:
“Twinkle twinkle little eyes
My love for you can fill the skies
I love you for who you are
and always will whether near or far
twinkle twinkle little eyes
my love for you can fill the skies.”

A Bedtime Story for Cool Kids and The Tired Adults Who Read To Them: The Monkey and the Grump

Ryan McGivern — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 22:33:50 +0000

There once was an lagoon. It was a deep blue ocean and it was clear and clean.
Octopi gave each other big, complex sailor-knot hugs, and squid raced each other in figure eights.
Everything was very nice and calm. Until one day when Bumpy the Grump showed up.
Everyday Bumpy The Big Ol’ Grump would lounge in the lagoon and splash the manatees. He would wiggle his nose at the herons and would crawl around on the beach and make faces at the seals.
Bumpy would kick sand at the clams, and do silly dances behind the Sandpiper’s backs. Bumpy was a Big Ol’ Grump.
One day all the animals came to Monkey to ask him to do something about Bumpy.
“Have you asked him politely to stop?” Monkey asked.
“Many times, Monkey.” Said Mr. Walrus and everyone nodded except the Sea Cucumbers who just wobbled a bit.
Monkey got a plan to make banana smoothies for Bumpy everyday so that Bumpy’s Grumpies would go away and he would smile more and not be a Grump.
So the next day Monkey climbed up a tree to get bananas for Bumpy’s smoothie.
Oops! Monkey dropped the bunch of bananas and they fell down down down right on top of Bumpy’s head!
“Ouch!” Said Bumpy.
Monkey was so embarrassed and sorry! He felt really bad and chattered his teeth and scrambled down the tree to apologize and say “I’m Sorry Bumpy.”
But when Monkey got to the bottom of the tree Bumpy was talking to a Kelp.
“Wow! I just got hit on the head by the Sun!” Bumpy was saying.
The Bananas had squished on his head and now his eyes were covered up by banana peels.
“The whole world is now dark because the Sun fell down and hit me on the head!” Bumpy was getting really upset and even when Monkey tried to calm him down, Bumpy wouldn’t listen.
Suddenly, Bumpy got an idea.
“I’ve got the bestest mostest perfect idea in the whole big entire world! Bestest idea in the solar system! Even bigger! The Universe! The Multiverse!”
Monkey thought to himself, “This must be a pretty good idea by the sounds of it.”
Monkey watched as Bumpy proceeded to get onto his hands, kick his feet into the air and begin walking around the beach on his hands.
“Aha! Now the Sun will never hit my head again!” He proudly announced as he hand-walked away along the lagoon.
Bumpy seemed happy enough to walk every where on his hands so Monkey and the other animals let him enjoy himself.
And things returned to normal again. For a while.
Then one day Bumpy hand-walked over to a Pelican and made silly noises at her and wiggled his toes like a Big Ol’ Grump.
Soon he was right back into his old ways of bothering all the other animals, the only difference now is that he was on his hands. Monkey thought to himself: “Tonight I will make Bumpy a Banana Smoothie and he will be happy and not a Big Ol’ Grump.”
So that night Monkey climbed a tree to get some bananas.
Oops! Monkey dropped the bunch of bananas and they fell down down down right on top of Bumpy’s butt!
“Ouch!” Bumpy said. “The moon has just fell down on my butt!”
Bumpy became real upset and wouldn’t listen to Monkey when he tried to tell him:
“It was bananas. Not the moon!”
Bumpy did a hand spring into the water and hid hear the rocks.
“I’ll be very very very safe in the water between these rocks!” Bumpy said.
Monkey called out to Bumpy, “Bumpy! It was bananas! Not the moon!”
Bumpy stayed in the water.
He stayed there so long in fact that his feet turned into a big fishy fin and in three days he turned into a Mermaid!
Through the years, Bumpy the Mermaid would convince other animals in the lagoon that the sky was falling and they too would hide between the rocks with him and he would tell them for hours and hours about the time the Sun and the Moon fell down on him.
And it made Monkey and all the other animals happy to see that Bumpy was no longer a Big Ol’ Grump.

A Bedtime Story for Cool Kids and the Tired Adults Who Read to Them: The Panda and the Puppy

Ryan McGivern — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:39:31 +0000

There once was a piggy bank.
It was pink and the size of a mango.
It had no money in it.
Every night Panda would look at the piggy bank and shake it and there was never money inside.
Panda would look at Puppy and say: “Puppy, there is no money in this here piggy bank. My study has confirmed it.”
And Puppy would wag her tail and say, “Well, let us first allow me to also experiment on the piggy bank and we will then collect and compare our data findings.” And Puppy would then shake the piggy bank and there would be no money in it. They would then make a chart of their piggy bank studies and would write with a big red crayon “No Money!” and then they would laugh and kiss and hug. Then they would think about how much they liked yummy tummy apple pie with dreamy creamy vanilla ice cream and then they would go to bed with their tummies growling.
“Growl growl” said their tummies.
“Snore snore” said their noses.

One day Puppy was out sniffing around in hopes of finding some scraps of bamboo to bring home to Panda. Puppy came across a giant tree that was bigger than an elephant–bigger than a house!–bigger than an elephant’s house!–Bigger than an elephant hotel!
Puppy saw a small little door open in the side of the tree and Puppy trotted closer while wagging her little tail back and forth, back and forth, like windshield wipers on the school bus: “Swish Swish!”
A tiny Wood Nymph stood at the door and invited Puppy inside. She waved her hand and Whooosh! Puppy was shrunk to the size of a squirrel.
Inside there was a birthday party for the Oldest Wood Nymph Ever and there were lots of animals dancing and playing. There was a Coyote, a Fox, A Crow, a Spider, an Especially Large Earthworm, and in the livingroom there was a man snoring on the couch.
“Snore snore” Said his nose.
It was a great birthday party with lots of games to play and music to dance to.
In a small quiet room carved into a branch halfway up the trunk was a strange looking Grumpy Tree Troll with tiny little eyes and a beard that reached to his hairy toes sitting on the floor playing jacks.
He offered Puppy to play a game and Puppy did so.
Puppy won the first game of jacks. Yay Puppy! Go Puppy!
Then the Tree Troll pulled out a treasure chest of gold coins. Shiny gold coins!
“I bet you all this gold that you won’t win this next game of jacks.” Said the Grumpy Tree Troll.
“Okay.” Said Puppy.
And Puppy won the second game of Jacks! Yay Puppy! Go Puppy!
Then the Tree Troll said “I bet you all your gold coins that you won’t win this next game of jacks.”
“Okay.” Said Puppy.
And Puppy lost the third game of jacks. Oh, sorry Puppy!
Puppy knew that it was late and that Panda was probably at home waiting for her to come home so they could play fetch. Puppy needed to go home, but she really wanted all that shiny shiny gold!
“I have a bet for you.” Said Puppy.
“Name it!” Said the Grumpy Tree Troll.
“I bet you I can make you say your name.”
“Okay. I bet you a big fortune you can’t make me say my name.”
“What’s your name?”
“I’m not going to tell you my name you silly Puppy!”
“Shucks. Okay. I lose. Who should I write the check out to?”
“Leaf Bottom. Arrrgh!” Leaf Bottom the Grumpy Tree Troll covered his face in shame.
“You got me you sneaky Puppy! Here is my fortune.” And Leaf Bottom tugged at his beard.

Puppy carried the gold all the way home as fast as she could.
When she got to her and Panda’s house, it looked very different.
When she let herself inside there was a very Old Panda Bear sitting in a rocking chair with a big warm blanket over his shoulders.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I must have the wrong house.” Puppy said. “I used to live here with a young and handsome Panda.”
The Old Panda Bear looked up over his glasses. “Huh? The only young and handsome Panda that lived here was me. Many years ago I lived here with a young and beautiful Puppy.”
Puppy wagged her tail. “That was me! I mean that is me! Panda! I’m Puppy!” and they laughed and hugged and kissed.
“See, I brought you home a fortune!” She pointed at the gold with her front paw.
“But I missed you so much! Where have you been?”
Puppy explained the Wood Nymph party.
“Time is different inside trees.” Panda said.
“Yes,” Said Puppy. “I’m sorry I was gone longer than I thought but now I’m back and we’re rich!”
She went to put the gold into their piggy bank but when she lifted it up, it was heavy and full.
She shook it and discovered it was filled with tears.
“I would cry every night because I missed you.” Panda said and sniffled back a tear.
“Sniffle sniffle” said his nose.
Puppy started to cry and ran back to the Big Tree and talked to the Wood Nymph.
She shrunk her down and talked about Puppy’s predicament.
“Yes, time is different in trees,” She said “but there is always a solution to fix any problem. You see, because we burned birthday candles the last time you were here all we have to do is unburn them to get you back.”
So the Wood Nymph lit the birthday candles and had Puppy blow them out. They did this again and again and the candles got bigger and taller each time. At the sixteenth time, the candles were brand new and the Wood Nymph said “That’s it!”
Puppy thanked her and ran home. Yay Puppy! Go Puppy!
Puppy came around their street corner to find Panda cleaning the rain gutters.
When Panda saw Puppy running down the street he leapt down from the ladder.
They met each other by the mailbox and gave each other a big, big hug.
“Puppy,” Said Panda, “Let’s grow old together.”
Puppy licked his face.

A Bedtime Story for Cool Kids and The Tired Adults who Read to Them: Turtle Monk and the Circus Cats

Ryan McGivern — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 15:54:18 +0000

There once was a Circus. It was called “Meow Meow Circus” because all the performers were cats. The cats traveled all over the American South, each night setting up their Big Tent in a different town.
They were busy cats and had hardly anytime at all for all the things they liked to do: scratching, purring, licking, napping, staring out windows, looking at flowers, sleeping, and meowing.
But they all loved their jobs in the circus because they brought so much joy to the families who came to see them.
When “Meow Meow Circus” came to town, even the angry dogs would stop their barking. Everyone loved the hard working circus cats.
One day after all the big circus tents were packed up and loaded onto the train the train conductor said “All aboard!” and blew the whistle “Woooo Woooo!” and the train went over the hill “Chugga Chugga Chugga Chugga Meeeeow Meeeow!”
But Oh No! There were Three Circus Cats still down by the river playing dice under the light of the Big Full Moon.
Rusty the Fire Eating Cat, Misty the Cannonball Cat, and Captain Butterfly the Trapeze Artist had been so busy rolling rice and having fun they missed the train!
“Oh boy oh boy oh boy when they go to hand me a burning torch I won’t be there to eat the fire!” Said Rusty.
“You think that’s bad, when they shoot the cannon nothing will happen! It will be a cat-less cannon! This is bad news for the circus!” Said Misty.
“The air. The air calls to me to swing through it. And here I am with my feet firmly planted on solid ground! A tragedy! A disaster! A CAT-astrophe!” Bellowed Captain Butterfly.
So the three cats got their paws trotting in purrr-suit of the Circus Train but soon it was out of sight and they walked along the train tracks, watching their tiny furry footsteps in the light of the Big Full Moon.
But Oh No! They came to a fork in the train tracks where they could go left or right and they didn’t know which way to go! Their kitty whiskers twitched and their kitty tails twirled.
“A train…left you…right?” Said a sloooow voice from the shadows.
“Step out into the open, you shadowy voice!” Captain Butterfly yelped.
Very slowly, a round mound stepped into the light. It was a giant turtle!
“Hello,” She bowed. “I am Turtle Monk…I didn’t mean to frighten you.” She wore a saffron colored robe and sandals.
“Which way did the train go!?” Said Captain Butterfly.
“Please..?” Added Rusty.
“The way the train went…Was the way you will not go.” Turtle Monk said.
“Of course it is! Just tell us left or right!” Said Captain Butterfly.
“Well…Train tracks are not for cats…Very dangerous you see…So if you walk down the wrong track I will make…a little sound that will make you think you chose correctly but you will suspect that I misled you…and you will think to go down the correct track…until you suspect that I misled you to go down that track…so you will then go back to the wrong track and…you will end up in Cleveland.” Said Turtle Monk.
“You are sure are sneaky!” Said Misty.
“But I will tell you where you can find Kitty Cat Trail. It is an easy walking path lined with pretty flowers and will take you directly to where you want to go.” Said Turtle Monk.
“Gee thank you!” Said Rusty.
“This going to be a riddle, I can sense it.” Said Misty.
“To find Kitty Cat Trail…to begin you must first look behind you.” Said Turtle Monk as she tucked her legs and arms into her robe and shell.
“Aha!” Said Captain Butterfly. “I’ve figured it out. Turtle Monk means that we must look within our memories and together we will find a pussy cat patchwork pattern of archetypal dreams!”
Rusty turned around and look behind himself. “No, she just meant that we had to look behind ourselves.”
“You sure are sneaky!” Said Misty.
“How long will it take us to get to the next town from here?” Asked Captain Butterfly.
“It depends…It depends on how fast you go. If you rush quickly you’ll make it by morning. If you take your time you’ll get there in an hour.” And with that, Turtle Monk tucked her head in her shell. A moment later, the Cats heard the song “Can I Get To Know You Better” playing from a radio inside.
So the Three Circus Cats set off on their way to the next town walking down Kitty Cat Trail.
“Come on you two! Hurry up! If we hurry we’ll get there in an hour and we’ll have time to get some sleep before tomorrow’s big show!” Yelled Captain Butterfly.
“Actually, Turtle Monk said that if we hurry, we’ll get there by morning. If we take our time we’ll get there in an hour.” Said Rusty.
“That’s ridiculous!” Said Misty. “Think about it. That doesn’t make sense!”
So they started running and hurrying and passing by all the pretty flowers that were dancing in the Big Full Moonlight. Lightning bugs whirled and whizzed and did a tiny fireworks display by a patch of honey suckle but the cats never saw it because they were running so fast.
Suddenly, Misty and Rusty got their tiny feet stuck in a mud puddle.
“Squishy! Squishy! Meow Meow!” They said.
Captain Butterfly grabbed a branch of a nearby Pussy Willow Tree and swung over the mud puddle and grabbed Misty and Rusty and landed them safely on the trail.
“Thank goodness you know trapeze!” They said.
They ran and ran and ran some more and suddenly they came across a fire that blocked Kitty Cat Trail and they couldn’t get past.
Rusty stepped close and took three big bites “Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!” and ate up all the fire and they started running again.
“Thank goodness you eat fire!” They said.
And they ran and ran and ran some more until they got to a very high mountain that blocked Kitty Cat Trail and they couldn’t go any further.
Suddenly, Misty saw a cannon and she had Captain Butterfly hold on to her tail as she shot herself out of the cannon and landed on the top of the mountain. She set Captain Butterfly down safely and walked back down the mountain and had Rusty hold onto her tail as she shot herself back up to the top.
“Thank goodness you’re a kitty cannonball!” They said.
They ran down the other side of the mountain and got to the Circus just as the morning sun lit up the Big Circus Tent.
“Morning! Already! Oh No! But Turtle Monk said if we hurried it would only take an hour!” Said Misty.
The Big Circus Boss saw the three cats and said “Shame on you! You missed the train and you are very late! You weren’t here to get a good night’s sleep like all good cats need! I am very disappointed.” Said the Big Circus Boss.
“But a Turtle Monk said that if we would hurry we would get here hours ago and we ran the whole way!” Said Captain Butterfly.
“No, no, tut,tut.” Said the Big Circus Boss. “He told you if you took your time you’d be here in an hour and if you hurried it would take all night. That is just what we told him to say when we saw him by the train track. We then sent out the Lightning Bugs from the Insect Parade Brass Band to signal to stand still so the Owls from the Owl Cabaret could pick you up and fly you back here. But you just kept running and running and running some more.”
“Oh.” They said.
“Hoot! Hoot!” Said the Owl Cabaret.
“You’re fired.” Said the Big Circus Boss.
So the three cats went down by the river and began to play poker. Just as they were beginning to have a real good time, it was getting too dark to see.
Suddenly the Big Full Moon came up over the trees.
“Thank goodness for your moonlight!” They said.

How To Make A Piggy Bank

Ryan McGivern — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 03:56:33 +0000

How To Make A Piggy Bank